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This is what happens when a vampire writer goes camping…

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I went camping last night. Not far from home or anything, which is why I’m home again while the rest of the family enjoys the rest of their camping experience. I learned that fibromyalgia and a leaky air mattress are not good bedfellows.

Anyway, before the cold, sandy ground beneath the deflated air mattress seeped its icy tendrils into the very marrow of my bones, I used my camping time wisely:

Note the finger grip curves lovingly carved into the right hand side.
Note the finger grip curves lovingly carved into the right hand side.

I suppose now is the time that I should be like, “Okay, clearly I miss writing about vampires.” But I’m still in denial about that, and I don’t have time to write about vampires right now, anyway. So, let’s just say I did this for research. If you’re out there, writing a book about vampires or vampire hunters, you need to know stuff about how to make wooden stakes. It’s pretty straight forward; I started with a chunk of log that had been split, and then split again so it had a triangular wedge shape. Then I patiently and very slowly whittled one end down to a point. It’s actually quite sharp and probably could penetrate somebody’s breast bone if you put a lot of force behind it. So, I’m not sure if this counts as a deadly weapon. I probably wouldn’t drive around with it.

Then, at my cousin Tony’s urging, I whittled out three long, shallow scoops to use as a grip. Total time: about an hour and fifteen minutes.

So, there you go. If you’re writing a vampire book, or you’re just wondering how long it takes the Scoobies to make all those damn stakes, it takes an hour and fifteen minutes per stake, and you need to sharpen your knife between stakes.

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7 Comments

  1. Mojitana
    Mojitana

    That they take less time once you’ve made a bunch in a row and get into a stake making groove.

    August 24, 2013
    |Reply
  2. I made mine out of the handle of an old cricket bat. Much better for grip. Though I’ve never been cosplaying as a watcher, or other vampire hunter, so I’ve no occasion to use it 🙁 . Someone please invent vampires?

    Hope you feel better soon.

    August 24, 2013
    |Reply
  3. whiskers
    whiskers

    I see this and all I can think is OH FUCK ME SPLINTERS.

    August 24, 2013
    |Reply
  4. I’m writing about vampires, two different stories actually, and neither of them will use wooden stakes to kill them. The one story I’m thinking gasoline and a lighter, cuz fire’s cool.

    August 24, 2013
    |Reply
  5. Hicku
    Hicku

    Some places do classify vampire stakes as deadly weapons, believe it or not! I have a prop of Mr. Pointy, and my college roommate went to my R.A., apparently concerned that I was bugfuck nuts and planning to murder her in her sleep. My R.A. did not believe I was planning to murder anyone, but still told me I couldn’t keep the stake in the dorm, because it was technically classified as a “live weapon” due to its sharp point.

    Go figure.

    August 25, 2013
    |Reply
  6. Bubbles
    Bubbles

    Ugh, air mattresses are the worst. Easter morning before last I woke up flat on the floor because my parent’s air mattress had sprung a leak in the night. Even when they stay inflated it’s a rough night.

    August 25, 2013
    |Reply

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