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50 Shades Freed recap chapter 22, or “A dumbass walks into a bank.”

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Hello Dear Readers! It’s been a while!

Here’s something I have to absolutely share with you: Beneath The Hat is posting audiobook versions of my 50 Shades of Grey recaps. This is a thing, and it is happening. Kate Davidson reads them, and she is so amazing and funny. Please, check them out, because she’s done a fantastic job.

Okay. Recrap time.

A lot of people have noted that there are some aspects of 50 Shades that are a little… unrealistic. Like a twenty-two year old who doesn’t have an email address and who gets a job directly out of college.

This chapter blows them all away for sheer stupidity and unbelievability.

At the end of chapter twenty-one, Ana has just answered her phone, expecting Mia on the other end, but it’s Jack Hyde. You know, the Jack Hyde who should be in jail without bond because he’s committed several violent and dangerous acts against the protagonists?

Jack asks Ana if she remembers him. I should hope so, since he was her boss at SIP just four months ago. But considering Ana’s concept of time, it’s good that Jack checked. He tells Ana that he’s been having a “chat” with Mia, and Ana demands to know what he’s done to her.

“Listen here, you prick-teasing, gold-digging whore. You fucked up my life. Grey fucked up my life. You owe me. I have the little bitch with me now. And you, that cocksucker you married, and his whole fucking family are going to pay.”

He said, probably twiddling his mustache. Seriously, who crams that many multi-syllabic insults into one piece of dialogue? It’s a good thing police don’t exist in 50 Shades world, because if they did, they could trace the call in the amount of time it’s taken Jack to sling cliche insults.

Jack tells Ana that he wants five million dollars, today.

Wait, just five million dollars?

“I want his money. I really want his fucking money. If things had been different, it could have been me. So you’re going to get it for me. I want five million dollars, today.”

“Jack, I don’t have access to that kind of money.”

Hey, this is interesting. How often has Christian told Ana that everything he has belongs to her? We’re about to see how well that statement stands up.

Jack gives Ana two hours before he kills Mia. He tells her not to the call the police– as if that were going to be an actual issue, as this dipshit didn’t call the cops even when a woman broke into her apartment and pointed a gun at her– or Christian or her security team, because if she does, Jack will somehow magically know.

“You understand!” he shouts.

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Or I will kill her.”

I gasp.

So… did you not understand, then, Ana? Also, here’s a free punctuation tip. “You understand” should have been followed by a ? if it were a question, not an !, because “he shouts” serves the same purpose as the !. You could have had it all, E.L. You could have had it all!

After she hangs up, this happens:

“Hannah, I have to go out. I’m not sure how long I’ll be. Cancel my appointments this afternoon. Let Elizabeth know I have to deal with an emergency.”

Remember when Ana blamed Hannah for getting her pregnant by moving appointments after Ana asked her specificially to move appointments? That. Also, for someone who wanted to get by on her own professional merits, Ana doesn’t really have any professional merits. She’s constantly leaving work early, dragging her personal business into the office, bringing an entourage of security people… this is all shit that would not fly at a company not owned by her husband, but she never acknowledges that. Unless it’s to pull a “poor me, I wanted to get by on my own merits, but my husband bought me this job,” while simultaneously pulling this type of shit that would get her fired anywhere else and generally behaving as though she has a much higher standing in the company than she does.

Ana asks Sawyer to drive her home, and he does. In the car, Ana thinks:

I gaze out the window in stark terror as I go over my plan. Get home. Change. Find checkbook. Escape from Ryan and Swayer somehow. Go to bank. Hell, how much room does five million dollars take up? What will it weigh? Will I need a suitcase? Should I telephone the bank in advance?

Yes. You should telephone the bank as much as two weeks in advance. More on that later. Right now, I want to touch on something very troubling here: Ana feels like she needs to “escape” from her security detail. The people who are supposed to be keeping her safe, and who are supposedly employed by her husband herself. I’ve mentioned before that it’s really fucking creepy that she can’t tell them to just take a hike and have them listen, but now she’s actively plotting an escape?

Mia. Mia. What if he doesn’t have Mia? How can I check? If I call Grace it will raise her suspicions, and possibly endanger Mia.

“Hey Grace! Is Mia home?” How fucking hard is that? Can you imagine the trouble it would be to live in this universe. Every time you fucking called someone: “Hey, Bob, is Jerry in?” “No… no, he’s not. OH GOD SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO JERRY! OH GOD, JERRY’S DEAD! I MEAN HE MIGHT STILL BE AT WORK, BUT HE’S PROBABLY DEAD! WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYY?!”

Also, Ana, this is exactly why you call the police, regardless of what the kidnapper said. Let me break it down for you:

  1. Jack Hyde is not magic. You can call the cops, and he won’t actually know you did.
  2. If Jack Hyde wants money, he’s not going to kill Mia.
  3. The police can communicate with Jack and get proof of life.
  4. Also, the police aren’t fucking idiots, and they’re trained to handle this kind of thing.
  5. The bank is going to call the police, anyway, when you roll up on them with a duffle bag and demand five million in cash.

I glance out the back window of the SUV. Am I being followed? My heart races as I examine the cars following us. They look innocuous enough.

When evil people drive normal cars, the cars turn into Crowley’s Bentley from Good Omens, and are identifiable on sight.

Sawyer updates Taylor on their whereabouts, and Ana asks if Christian is still in Portland. He is. Ana thinks:

Good. I have to keep Christian safe. my hand strays down to my belly, and I rub it consciously. And you, Little Blip. Keep you both safe.

Yeah, be sure you keep Christian safe, since he’s not in any immediate danger and you are.

And your little blip, too!
And your little blip, too!

Seriously, nothing screams “Responsible prenatal care” like wandering around a major city alone with five million dollars in a duffle bag, looking for the drop.

Also, I want to examine this “I rub it consciously” part of the sentence. Why was “consciously” even needed. Every action Ana is taking is in first person present tense, so she couldn’t possibly tell us about what she’s doing if she’s not conscious of it. If this were first person past tense, she could say things like, “I toyed with my hair unconsciously” or whatever, because the action has passed and she can note that she had been doing it without realize it at the time. But in first person present, pretty much every action is conscious.

Once they arrive at the apartment, Ana goes to Christian’s study to ransack it looking for the checkbook. At this point, I thought to myself, “Ana, Jack is not going to take a fucking check,” but then things went further and made more sense, etc. Anyway, this happens:

Stumbling in panic around his desk, I wrench open the drawer to find the checkbooks. Leila’s gun slides forward into view. I feel an incongruous twinge of annoyance that Christian has not secured this weapon. He knows nothing about guns. Jeez, he could get hurt.

Photo on 2013-08-28 at 22.32

I like that she’s just annoyed that her husband is keeping a gun that isn’t registered to him in his desk in their home. Especially now that she’s pregnant and that kind of behavior is going to be super safe when they have children.

After a moment’s hesitation, I grab the pistol, check to ensure it’s loaded, and tuck it into the waistband of my black slacks.

I can’t remember… does this the magical, all carbon fiber pistol that does not exist have a safety? If it did, maybe you should have checked that, too, before you jammed it down your pants.

Try not to get whiplash here, because I’m going to be going fast:

I turn my attention to tracking down the right checkbook. There are five, and only one is in the names of C. Grey and Mrs. A. Grey.

He’s “C. Grey,” she’s “MRS. A. Grey,” because her role, first and foremost, is as Christian’s wife. Also, everything that is his is hers, as we’ve heard him tell her so many times… so why is her name only on one account?

I have about fifty-four thousand dollars in my own account.

Everything that is his is hers, but he has eleventy bajillion dollars and she has 54k. That’s enough to run away from an abusive husband with, but he’s also got all of her banking info, and can probably just take all that money out whenever he feels like it.

I have no idea how much money is in this one. But Christian must be good for five million dollars, surely. Perhaps there’s money in the safe?

Again, what’s his is hers, but she doesn’t know how much money they have? No, that’s fine. That sounds totally legit for a functional adult relationship.

Crap. I have no idea of the number. Didn’t he mention the combination was in his filing cabinet? I try the cabinet, but it’s locked.

There’s money in the safe, and the combination is in a locked filing cabinet. But everything that’s his is hers.

AM I MAKING MY POINT HERE? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I’M REALLY LAYING IT DOWN HARD.

Ana goes into the bedroom and thinks:

Perhaps I should have slept here last night. What is the point of arguing with someone who, by his own admission, is Fifty Shades?

Here, we have Ana telling herself she should just ignore Christian’s behavior. Yeah, no. This isn’t a book about abuse at all.

From the closet I fish out a large soft duffel bag. Will five million dollars fit into this? Christian’s gym bag is lying there on the floor. I open it, expecting to find it full of dirty laundry, but no– his gym kit is clean and fresh. Mrs. Jones does indeed get everywhere.

You know, Mia’s being held hostage by a mad man, but this was a really important detail, so I’m glad we now know what the inside of Christian’s gym bag is like. I couldn’t have possibly comprehended the story and all its complexities if I didn’t know that Christian “Perfect” Grey doesn’t have a sweaty gym bag.

Ana has to escape to go to the bank (I’m not sure why she couldn’t have just asked Sawyer to drive her to the bank… unless that’s a “proscribed” trip Sawyer would have to clear with Chedward ahead of time.

Let’s watch the totally normal way Ana leaves her own fucking apartment:

I make my way slowly and quietly to the foyer, aware of the CCTV camera, which is trained on the elevator. I think Sawyer’s still in Taylor’s office. Cautiously, I open the foyer door, making as little noise as possible. Shutting it quietly behind me, I stand on the very threshold, up against the door, out of the view of the CCTV lens. I fish my cell phone out of my purse and call Sawyer.

“Mrs. Grey.”

“Sawyer, I’m in the room upstairs, will you give me a hand with something?” I keep my voice low, knowing he’s just down the hallway on the other side of this door.

Despite some tedious word repetition– and really, all authors run into that problem from time to time– this is actually a pretty tense, well written passage. Where it fails is the part where the heroine of this romance novel is desperately trying to escape from the hero’s apartment.

I take a deep, steadying breath and briefly contemplate the irony of escaping from my own home like a felon.

If a felon tried to escape Chedward’s apartment, he’d just send them art school.

Ana gets in the elevator and the doors close dramatically just as Sawyer runs into the foyer. Huh. That rhymes.

I glance longingly at my R8 as I rush to the Saab, open the door, toss the duffel bag onto the passenger seat, and slide into the driver’s seat.

Why doesn’t she take the R8? If you’re trying to get somewhere quickly, why wouldn’t you take the faster vehicle? She gets out of the garage before Sawyer can catch her, and as she drives away, she thinks:

I know Sawyer will call Christian or Taylor, but I’ll deal with that when I have to– I don’t have time to dwell on it now. I squirm uncomfortably in my seat, knowing in my heart of hearts that Sawyer’s probably lost his job. Don’t dwell.

How is this not ringing major alarm bells for her? Ana. Honey. To leave the house of your volition, you had to sneak out. Your husband is going to fire the security guard who let you escape, because he failed in his job in not confining you to either work or the apartment. This is not Chedward keeping you safe and watching out for your best interests. This is keeping you imprisoned.

Fucking Christ, I cannot believe women fall for this as romantic. I swear to fuck someone spilled a whole bunch of meth into the water reserves in the United States or something. That’s the only way this happened, or a radioactive cloud of weaponized stupid or something. I can’t even blame our misogynistic culture anymore. Warren Jeffs would look at this mess and think it was creepy.

Now, just in case you were going, “Ana hasn’t criticized another woman in a while, maybe she’s too busy with Mia being kidnapped and all,” well, how silly of you for assuming Ana is ever too busy to tear down other women:

“May I help you ma’am?” The young woman gives me a bright, insincere smile, and for a moment I regret changing into jeans.

“I’d like to withdraw a large sum of money.”

Ms. Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow.

From now on, I’ll be mentally swapping “Ana” for “Ms. Judgmental Cunt.”

Don’t give me that look. You know she’d call you worse if you accidentally crossed her path.

“you have an account with us?” she fails to hide her sarcasm.

“Yes,” I snap. “My husband and I have several accounts here. His name is Christian Grey.”

Her eyes widen fractionally and insincerity gives way to shock. Her eyes sweep up and down me once more, this time with a combination of disbelief and awe.

And then the teller runs into the back to stab herself in the throat with a letter opener because Christian Grey is off the market and she will never, ever be as special and perfect and shiny as Ana, so why is life worth living.

It seems to be a really depressing and annoying theme in this book that Ana is only afforded respect when people find out she’s polishing the royal Grey knob. Every single time she goes out in public, she has a run-in with Some Bitch ™ who acts nasty to her until she finds out that Ana is Christian Grey’s chosen cum depository. Only then is she treated like a human being worthy of not being constantly sneered at and shat upon. Ana is a college graduate who actually got employment right out of college in 2011. That’s something to stitch onto a banner and ride into battle with. But nope, that’s not important, and her education, career, and identity as an individual aren’t her defining characteristics. Getting down on Chedward’s boner is her identity, and without him, she would be worthless. What a great message, good job, E.L..

Because Ana walked in off the street and casually tried to withdraw five million, Ms. Unfortunate Victim of Being Female in Proximity to Ana has to go and get the manager.

She scurries out. I sink into the seat, and a wave of nausea washes over me as the gun presses uncomfortably into the small of my back.

Ana brought a gun into a bank. Ana brought a firearm that was not registered to her into a bank. SHE BROUGHT A FUCKING GUN INTO A FUCKING BANK.

Okay, newsflash, E.L.? I realize that people in the UK honestly seem to believe that in America we run around shooting guns at each other willy-nilly and everybody is heavily armed all the time, but we do have like, laws and rules and shit. One of those rules– one that Ana would almost certainly know, even if she wasn’t Ms. Firearm Prodigy Because My Dad Was in The Army, that you cannot take a gun into a fucking bank. You know. Unless you want to go to Federal prison.

orange-is-the-new-black
At least Ana won’t notice when Red starves her out.

The bank manager comes out and introduces himself, then he explains that this is fucking Fantasyland, so it’s no problem for Ana to just walk out the goddamned door with a duffel bag full of cash:

“We normally ask for some notice for large amounts of money.” He pauses and flashes me a reassuring but supercilious smile. “Fortunately, however, we hold the cash reserve for the entire Pacific Northwest,” he boasts.

That’s bullshit. That’s “just google it and you’d know this was bullshit” bullshit. The Federal reserve for the 12th district (which is where Seattle is located) is in San Francisco. And it doesn’t hold the entire cash reserve for the district. And it’s not in Seattle. Not even a little bit. There is a Federal reserve branch in Seattle, absolutely… but you’re not going to open your savings or checking account there. That’s not what the Federal reserve does. Federal reserve branches are responsible for moving cash to commercial banks and other financial institutions when needed. There are no personal accounts in a Federal reserve bank.

Oh, hey. Ana rolled up into a Federal reserve branch with an unlicensed firearm. That would go awesome in real life.

Boo

If you were to call your bank to request a withdrawal of five million dollars, here’s what’s going to happen.

  1. They will ask you if they can write you a cashier’s check instead.
  2. They will inform you that if cash is absolutely necessary, they will need up to fourteen days to manage the withdrawal.
  3. During these fourteen days, they will report your withdrawal request to the FBI. Because they have to. It’s part of the Bank Secrecy Act and the Patriot act.
  4. A government agency will likely investigate why you need to withdraw a large amount of cash, to make sure it isn’t, you know. Ransom money. Or that you haven’t been caught in a scam, or that you’re not funding terrorism, etc.
  5. They will also be ordering the money. In this case, the bank is apparently the Federal reserve of Fiftyshadesland, so that’s not an issue. But were this based in reality at all, they would need to request that money from the local Federal reserve branch.
  6. They will hire extra security for the day of your transaction.
  7. They will likely alert local law enforcement to be present on the day of your transaction. This is for your safety, as well as the safety of other bank employees
  8. They will ask you how you plan to transport the money.

You don’t just roll into a bank and withdraw five million dollars. No, not even if you’re Christian Grey’s wife and it says it in really big letters on the top of your resumé. It. Doesn’t. Happen.

Furthermore, no bank manager in the history of ever, anywhere, is going to tell a bank customer, “Oh yeah, we’ve got five million just sitting in the vault.” They don’t want you to know that shit. Chances are, the tellers don’t even know how much money is in the vault.

“Mr. Wheelan, I’m in a hurry. What do I need to do? I have my driver’s license, and our joint account checkbook. Do I just write a check?”

Then Mr. Wheelan is like, “It’s kind of suspicious that you are in a hurry to leave this bank with a large amount of money when you’ve never made a single withdrawal from this account before. So… no, you can’t have the money, and I’m calling the police.”

Just kidding! He asks Ana for her driver’s license so he can process the transaction. This is where Ana hits her first snag, because she never changed her name on her driver’s license. So the moral of the story, ladies, is that if you don’t change you name like your husband told you to, someone could get kidnapped and die.

Ana gives the bank manager her black Amex and he says:

“Mrs. Anastasia Grey,” Whelan reads. “Yes, that should do.” He frowns. “This is highly irregular, Mrs. Grey.”

I swear to Christ, it takes four phone calls and an act of congress just to deposit a check over ten grand at my bank. Yeah, it’s super realistic that she could just get five million in cash.

Ana pulls the My Husband Will Think Badly of You card, and it works (protip: that would NOT work). The manager goes to get additional paperwork, and while in real life this is where he would be calling the cops, he comes back with Christian on the phone.

“You’re leaving me?” Christian’s words are an agonized, breathless whisper.

What?

“No!” My voice mirrors his. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no– how can he think that? The money?He thinks I’m going because of the money? And in a moment of horrific clarity, I realize the only way I’m going to keep Christian at arm’s length, out of harm’s way, and to save his sister… is to lie.

Ana tells Christian she’s leaving him, and it’s not as satisfying as it should be because you know she’s lying. He asks her if it was always about the money. And then I’m like, “These people are dumb as fuck.” Because Chedward is worth billions… why would Ana take just five million dollars?

They have a long ass, dramatic, boring as fuck “I will always love you” moment, and then Whelan comes back in.

“Your husband has agreed to liquidate five million dollars worth of his assets, Mrs. Grey. This is highly irregular but as our main client… he was insistent… very insistent.”

Christian Grey is the main client of the United States Federal Reserve.

kristen wiig are you fucking kidding me

I can’t even with this bullshit anymore. If this book were well-written, I could suspend some disbelief. If the story was in anyway compelling, I could let shit slide. I realize that one of the biggest draws of the kinky billionaire genre is the money. And why wouldn’t it be? Everyone dreams of living a life where money isn’t an object. But the author didn’t even stop to think, “Hmmm… maybe it’s not as easy to withdraw five million as it is to withdraw fifty bucks, so I should probably figure out a different way around this plot point. It will be less dramatic, but more realistic, and therefore some poor woman in Michigan won’t take up drinking again.” NOPE! The falsely manufactured drama is so much more satisfying, even when it flies in the face of the possible.

Look, unless you’re writing actual fantasy, this shit:

a wizard did it

Does not fly.

Ana signs the paperwork and the manager tells her that it will take them a half hour to prepare the money. Bull fucking shit it only takes that long to retrieve, count, and wrap up that much cash, but remember, this is the First National Bank of Fantasyland.

A few moments, minutes, hours later– I don’t know– Miss Insincere Smile reenters with a carafe of water and a glass.

“Mrs. Grey,” she says softly as she places the glass on the desk.

“Thank you.” I take the glass and drink gratefully.

Uh, if you’re so goddamned grateful, maybe you could stop calling her snide little nicknames in your head. Asshole.

I sit back in the chair, feeling the reassuring presence of Leila’s pistol at my waist, digging into my back. Who would have thought I’d ever feel grateful that Leila once pulled a gun on me. Oh, Ray, I’m so glad you taught me how to shoot.

But he didn’t teach you common sense, apparently. Like, “Don’t carry an unregistered, concealed firearm into a Federal building.”

The manager comes back to tell her that the money is ready, but there’s a complication. Sawyer has found her at the bank, probably to shoot her with a tranq dart and take her back to Escala. Because nobody leaves Christian Grey.

Sawyer could blow this whole plan. I gaze up at Whelan.

“There’s someone out there I don’t want to see. Someone following me.”

Whelan’s eyes widen.

“Do you want me to call the police?”

17-i-lol

Like Ana is ever going to call the police. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m sorry, it just doesn’t. No bank manager in their right mind is going to be like, “Huh, this visibly disturbed woman just came in, requested to withdraw five million dollars, started crying, then a guy comes in and she’s like, ‘I’m being followed,'” and NOT CALL THE POLICE. This guy has a responsibility to call the cops. It’s part of his job.

Instead, Ana asks for privacy to make a phone call. She calls Jack, who tells her that he knows her security followed her, and also there’s a black SUV waiting at the rear of the bank. And Ana realizes that it’s the Dodge that followed them before, so mystery solved, I guess? He gives her three minutes, and she says:

“It may take longer than three minutes.” My heart leaps into my throat once more.

“You’re bright for a gold-digging whore, Grey. You figure it out. And dump your cell phone once you reach the vehicle. Got it bitch?”

REALLY? Does everyone in this story have to stroke Ana’s intelligence ego? Because you’re all wasting her breath. She doesn’t need her brain, now that she’s impressively fucking Mr. Impressive.

Ana asks the manager if he’ll help her take the money out of the back door of the bank. And he’s like, “No, because this is insane, and I’ve already called the police.”

Just kidding! He says:

“As you wish, Mrs. Grey. I’ll have two clerks help with the bags and two security guards to supervise. If you could follow me?”

Christian Grey is just that special, that a bank manager is going to risk something as dangerous as taking five million dollars cash out the back door with just two security guards and a couple of tellers.

Oh yeah. PS., in America we call them Tellers.

So, section break and:

Two minutes later my entourage and I are out on the street, heading over to the Dodge. Its windows are blacked out, and I can’t tell who’s at the wheel. But as we approach, the driver’s door swings open, and a woman clad in all black with a black cap pulled low over her face climbs gracefully out of the car. Elizabeth from the office! What the hell.

Elizabeth, you’ll remember, was the one who seemed “haunted” or some similar dramatic shit when discussing Jack’s assault of Ana.

She moves to the rear of the SUV and opens the trunk. The two young bank clerks carrying the money sling the heavy bags into the back.

Elizabeth greets Ana, and a little way down the page:

Whelan and his team disappear back into the bank, leaving me alone with the head of personnel at SIP , who’s involved in kidnapping, extortion, and very possibly other felonies.

Oh my god. I’ve figured it out. Ana really is bright. It’s just that in the world of 50 Shades, everyone is stupid. Real stupid. Idiocracy stupid. So Ana just seems smart. Because a smart person, a smart bank manager, would not look at this situation and go, “Obviously distraught woman, huge cash withdrawal, someone following her, unmarked black SUV and driver dressed all in black… sounds legit, let’s go back inside and not call the cops!”

Elizabeth tells Ana to hand over her cellphone, and Ana does. Then Elizabeth tells Ana to get into the car… and she does. Elizabeth is going to take Ana to Jack. Ana asks Elizabeth why she’s helping Jack:

“Does he have some kind of hold on you?” I ask. Her eyes shoot to mine and she slams on the brakes, throwing me forward so hard that I hit my face against the headrest of the front seat.

I’m so excited for this part of the movie.

“I said be quiet,” she snarls. “And I suggest you put on your seat belt.”

And in that moment I know that he does. Something so awful that she’s prepared to do this for him. I wonder briefly what that could be. Theft from the company? Something from her private life? Something sexual? I shudder at the thought. Christian said that none of Jack’s PAs would talk. Perhaps it’s the same story with all of them. That’s why he wanted to fuck me, too.

I wonder if all the former PAs have signed nondisclosure agreements. BOOM.

bada boom

Elizabeth drives Ana to an abandoned building.  Hey, you know what would have been a good idea, Ana? You could have pulled the gun on her, forced her to call Jack and tell him she had the money and was on the way, then you could have run to the police, and THEY COULD HAVE TRACKED DOWN JACK AND SAVED MIA.

But that’s not dramatic enough, so Ana has to go and confront Jack. He makes Elizabeth check the money, then he smacks Ana in the face, thus fulfilling the fantasy of every sane person reading this book:

The ferocious, unprovoked blow knocks me to the ground, and my head bounces with a sickening thud off the concrete. Pain explodes in my head, my eyes fill with tears, and my vision blurs as the shock of the impact resonates, unleashing agony that pulses through my skull.

Then he kicks her in the ribs, because I’m sure every single one of us would do the same.

“That’s for SIP, you fucking bitch!” Jack screams.

Damn. Publishing is a rough business.

Elizabeth yells at him to stop, and he does, to yell at Elizabeth, and then Ana pulls her gun and shoots him in the knee. IN THE KNEE. 

Hey, here’s a tip. If you’re ever in a situation where someone is beating you to death? CENTER MASS.

I turn to face Elizabeth, and she’s gaping at me in horror and raising her hands above her head.

And Ana empties the clip into her, because she looked at Christian one time and also she’s blonde.

Just kidding. I don’t remember if she was blonde or not.

Ana drops the gun– after just wounding Jack and leaving the other kidnapper totally unscathed? I can’t remember how many shots she’s supposed to have in this gun. Is it a revolver or a pistol? Either way, she should have been able to get more than one bullet into Jack and another into Elizabeth. Or not, because remember, this is the gun that was described as all carbon fiber, so really she would have only been able to shoot it one time before it exploded into a thousand shards.

Also, if Ana had shot both of them and not dropped the gun, she would have been saving herself, and that’s not acceptable. Not when Christian Grey can magically appear– wait, wasn’t he supposed to be going to Portland in the last chapter?– to rescue Ana. In ALL CAPS, no less:

“ANA!”

Darkness… peace.

But there’s another chapter after this, so she’s unfortunately not dead.

228 Comments

  1. Sophie
    Sophie

    oh, the LITTLE HOGLET!!! he may have made life worth living again.I less than three him.

    Perhaps Ana borrowed Leila’s concealed weapons permit? LOLLLL that a glance at an easily forged plastic card is good enough ID, too. It’s the little things, like ana not knowing if minutes or hours pass, but still focusing clearly on being spiteful about a woman who wasn’t pretty enough to fuck a billionaire.

    August 29, 2013
    |Reply
  2. Sophie
    Sophie

    also Chruntstain better kill the bank manager. Ana “gazed up” at him.

    August 29, 2013
    |Reply
  3. This is what I’ve meant when I’ve told some people that this trilogy keeps getting worse and worse. When I wanted to take out $5k to buy a car, I had to give 72 hours of notice because banks kind of like to make sure they don’t run out of cash. My brother was a banker, and he told me before that banks only keep as much cash as they anticipate giving out in any given day with about 10% over that. They like to minimize potential losses in a building where people off the street can go.

    You overlooked wank about the black Amex card Edward got Bella, I mean…hell, you know what I mean. You can’t just get those cards! You have to EARN them by regularly spending large amounts of money for an extended time! I swear to Christ myself, a friend of mine got one of those and it took two years of spending over $10k/mo (he had a goal of getting the card). It didn’t matter that his family owns a ton of oil in Texas. That’s not enough. SPENDING is because Amex gets transaction fees, and they want to know the fees on your spending will cover the major benefits they offer with the card.

    There is so much stupid I forgot for a moment she had a gun. I swear I’m ashamed to be living anywhere in the area of these freaks. In the last couple weeks I’ve driven by the Heathman a couple dozen times (I have business down Broadway), and wanted to slam my head into the steering wheel. Today my sweetheart is in Seattle and I want to cry because Seattle. Local word is strong that this tripe will all be filmed locally.

    August 29, 2013
    |Reply
    • Also this chapter is a lot like the (anti)climactic scene at the end of Twilight. Heroine goes off to be a heroine and save someone by not calling the police, gets smacked around, gets saved, etc..

      If you want the not-calling-the-police thing to work, you MUST involve supernatural elements so there’s a really good reason. Vampires, etc., aren’t going to want to involve the police and have their cover blown. This scene worked better in the fanfic version for that sole reason. This is why my Sacred Blood series has some supernatural stuff. There needs to be a plausible reason to keep the cops out of it!! I can’t suspend my disbelief when everyone is human without being thoroughly convinced that everyone is severely stupid and proof of Idiocracy and the need of a padded room and a hug-me jacket.

      August 29, 2013
      |Reply
      • Alex
        Alex

        “If you want the not-calling-the-police thing to work, you MUST involve supernatural elements so there’s a really good reason. Vampires, etc., aren’t going to want to involve the police and have their cover blown.”

        I’d expand that to a more general “because you’re worse than they are”. It could be because you’re a vampire, it could be because the “hostage” is blackmail material, or it could be because you’re taking it personally and are heading over to murder their entire organisation.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • Stella
        Stella

        “I’d expand that to a more general “because you’re worse than they are”.”

        Yeah, it could be because you’re also a criminal (or have been framed so that everyone thinks you’re one) and involving the police would get YOU arrested before it would help the hostage. There’s a reason a lot of supernatural hierarchies are written like the Mafia.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • Okay, “worse than they are” is a good way to put it. But if your loved one is a hostage, and you don’t have plans to go on a shooting-spree (I generally read and write about people who don’t want to violate a bunch of laws), wouldn’t you still call the cops?

        The only way to make Ana not calling the cops work would be supernatural. Hyde wouldn’t know, she’s not planning to get revenge by killing him, or anything else. There is no reason other than stupidity to not call the cops. She doesn’t look heroic. She looks stupid. The big complaint I’ve heard from fans is that she didn’t call the cops.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
      • Alex
        Alex

        Another possibility: the cops are in on it. Or some of the cops are, and you don’t know which ones.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
      • Stella
        Stella

        Personally, I would call the cops. I just don’t think the involvement of the supernatural is the ONLY plausible way that someone would NOT call them.

        I do agree that there’s no plausible reason for Ana not to involve the authorities in THIS book, but that’s because this book is stupid.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • Oh hush, you’re ruining my world in which I am the center and can make no errors when typing fast while tired and without thinking. =D

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
    • Georgiana
      Georgiana

      Thank you, Alys. I want you to know I seriously appreciate you posting this information. My fiance has to buy a car in, like, the next couple of days. Depending on who we buy it from, we may be paying cash for it, and it’ll be about the same amount you mentioned: $5K. Personally, I’m kinda stupid myself when it comes to large bank withdrawals, so I had fiance ask the bank if this would be an issue. Thankfully, we belong to a large national bank, and they said as long as we weren’t coming in to snag something like $20K it was no problem. However, it could have put us in an awkward situation if we found a car for him and couldn’t get at the cash. 😉

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • Georgiana
        Georgiana

        And HI JENNY!!!! I love the recaps. 🙂

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
    • Elizabeth
      Elizabeth

      “Local word is strong that this tripe will all be filmed locally.”

      Dear lord, no. This travesty never should have even touched fictional Seattle in the first place, and I can’t even stomach the idea of the movie screwing up the city.

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • I’d like to see them try to get OHSU to let them film there. I’ve been in the ER a few times since this book was released, and for kicks I ask my attending nurses if they knew the third book had some scenes there. Let’s just say their reactions were not reactions of favor. The last time I was there one of them told me right out that the hospital is not thrilled to have been shown in the light it was, especially the blatant HIPAA violations and allowing a random doctor to waltz in and take over patient care. The funny thing is that time I had a potential abscess and none other that Madame James bantered with me via Twitter until I got the final word of no abscess.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      Maybe the reason Chedward never calls the cops is because his ridiculously named company is some kind of money laundering front and that’s why he never seems to work.
      Still not a reason for Ana not to call the cops since the book is written from her idiotic point of view and she clearly doesn’t know he’s a criminal.

      Side note one: Does anyone in the US who gets a ransom call and is told not to call the cops actually not call the cops? I mean, barring the reasons above. Really? That’s the FIRST thing you do!

      Side note two: From the moment it was Jack on the phone and not Mia I was expecting the next thing Ana would think or say would be something to the effect of “How do I know you have Mia?” C’mon! Anyone who’s seen Ransom, Proof of Life or really ANY MOVIE WITH A HOSTAGE YOU CAN’T SEE would know to ask for proof that you have that person! But Ana’s soooooooo smart and brilliant and yada yada. Plus, EL, asking for proof he has Mia could add more freaking drama to the story! She could get on the phone and be audibly crying or shaking. Jack could yank the phone from her before she could answer some question. She could scream. Ana could be replaying her terrified voice in her mind as she tries to race to beat the clock. This isn’t rocket science!!

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
      • Sophie
        Sophie

        I guess because there aren’t many kidnappings in Hardy or the Bronte sisters, and Ana is too clever to lower herself to watch TV, such things are out of her rarefied, intellectual frame of reference. I sometimes wonder if that would be ELJ’s excuse for why Ana knows nothing about helicopters or email. Then again, it’s modern fiction she’s reading for her job, isn’t it? like there’s any point worrying about this stuff at this stage, but i do.

        September 10, 2013
        |Reply
  4. This was brilliant. I almost can’t wait to read these books, because at least the inaccuracies in these are ridiculous ignorant ones, not scientific or philosophical ones.

    August 29, 2013
    |Reply
    • It’s really hard to get through these books. The recaps are better. See how long you can read before swearing literally out loud.

      August 29, 2013
      |Reply
      • Oh, I’m sure I won’t get past the first page without doing that XD But reading through The Host and the entire Twilight Series (and doing recaps of those) before it should help. And by “help” I mean “numb my brain sufficiently enough that I’ll be able to handle it”. These recaps have been an excellent way to prepare for what’s coming, though.

        August 29, 2013
        |Reply
      • Quizzical Llama, would you have the link to those recaps? I’d love to read them!

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • As horrid as SMeyer is, she is wonderful compared to EL James. No, I’m not kidding. I’d rather read Twilight five times all the way through.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
        • Yeah, I’ve read a bit of the first book of 50 Shades, just to get an idea of it, and I know the writing style is going to drive me insane, not to mention the *obvious* abuse that is supposedly not abuse, but at the moment The Host’s bad science is so infuriating that it would be nice to have the change, I guess. I’m hoping Twilight’s better.

          August 30, 2013
          |Reply
      • Sophie
        Sophie

        I raced through Twilight and got swept up in the romance etc – I knew it was daft, and probably not very ‘good’ but the writing style and the politics weren’t a barrier to me enjoying the story. Until Breaking Dawn when the whole baby bullshit turned it into a 13-year-old’s lame happy families fantasy… but before that, I enjoyed it, I’m a sucker for a love story and I thought she kept it alive quite skilfully. (again, until that creepy imprinting shit, which, ew)

        50SOG, the writing style and politics in the first chapter made me give up in disgust The story could be amazing (I know it’s the opposite of amazing) and it couldnt survive the way it’s told.

        August 31, 2013
        |Reply
      • OMG BD was hilarious in how bad it was. That imprinting was sickening. A newborn should NEVER be sexually paired up, especially without any will involved, and she couldn’t give consent anyway. Taylor wasn’t comfortable with having to romance up a kid for the movie and SMeyer tried telling him to think about it as a brotherly thing. Okay, so incestuous pedophilia. That’s…not making it better.

        Bella’s a manipulative, ungrateful emo twit, and Edward is a sexually repressed adolescent whose family caters to his every whim and who lacks respect for women. The only thing I liked about the books is the weather. I hate the sun and love the rain. So the weather made me happy. The rest? Ugh. SMeyer can come up with general story ideas, but that’s where it should end. Sell the idea and let someone else strip the pedophilia, abuse, stalking, running away from conflict, and overuse of deus ex machina.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • Sophie
        Sophie

        I hate the sun and love the rain too 🙂

        September 10, 2013
        |Reply
    • Oh my god, The Host is the worst. I used it as birdcage liner.

      August 29, 2013
      |Reply
      • Haha that seems like the best use that could be made of it! I guess I’ll have to buy a bird…

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
        • I have two parrots and they’re a lot of work. But the Senegal is really rather fond of chewing up bits of paper. Like the first chapter of The Host.
          Thanks for following my blog, by the way!

          August 30, 2013
          |Reply
      • I would be so tempted to use 50 Shades to line my guinea pigs’ litter box but I don’t have a paper copy, just a pdf of it in its original fanfic form lol.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
        • I bought my copy at the used bookstore. On store credit. So no money was exchanged.

          August 30, 2013
          |Reply
          • My copies of The Host, Twilight series and 50 Shades trilogy were all bought for me by a friend, and mailed to me, in one package. One big Amazon box of terribleness.

            August 30, 2013
      • The Host got so many positive reviews, I’m pretty sure people are way less torn about it than 50 Shades and Twilight, but DEAR GOD IT’S SO BAD! I’ve only read the first 4 chapters and I could write an entire dissertation on the scientific inaccuracies alone before even looking at all the other problems. Bird cage liner is definitely what it’s made for.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • Alice A
        Alice A

        I dunno, I really liked The Host. I thought Twilight was terrible (okay I admit I was a huge fan but then I turned 15 and realised how wrong I was) but I still re-read The Host from time to time.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • The Host is problematic.
        I actually liked Twilight, so I wanted to see if I’d like anything else S Meyer wrote. And the type of things that bothered me about Twilight just jumped out glaringly in The Host. I still found it interesting enough to finish, but that was after I realized I had to throw out any expectation of plausibility to still find it interesting. If this makes sense.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
      • Caroline
        Caroline

        When I read The Host, which was being sold as the author’s foray into grown-up territory, my first thought was: “So Meyer figured that the best way to convince the world she could write for the adult crowds was to shamelessly rip off K. A. Applegate’s Animorphs series?”
        I mean, I’m talking about novels that came complete with flickbooks in the bottom corners of the pages. And yet, Meyer’s offering still managed to be dumber, more shallow and infinitely less entertaining than the original.
        However, I cannot wait for E. L. James’ future take on the Host, in which the “hero” will proceed to sexily pull out the wormy slug out of the “heroine”‘s ear, before he bones her silly against the 3 shells of their flying saucer’s bathroom, whilst she prattles about “quickening” “down there”.

        September 4, 2013
        |Reply
  5. Awwwww, I was hoping she was dead. 🙁

    I think 1. this is your funniest recap yet, honestly and 2. there’s something wrong that it just took me three tries to spell my own name.

    August 29, 2013
    |Reply
  6. In my head, Taylor is Jason Statham, Sawyer is Chris Hemsworth, Ryan is Michael Ealy, and Reynolds is Jeffrey Donovan. I don’t know why. They just are. And I desperately want to read the Taylor’s story. I have no doubt in my mind that it is eight-hundred times more interesting than this drivel.

    By the way, I think it was a revolver. Which should never be stored loaded since it lacks a safety (at least, the revolvers I’ve handled didn’t have one). And, considering EL James’s idea about firearms and her lack of research on them, I wouldn’t put it past her to make a revolver “carbon fiber.” I can imagine a lightweight Colt Cobra or something. Maybe a snub nose 38 special, but “carbon fiber?” jesus. Do some research. But no. That would require work. Work like looking it up on Google.

    In other news, I found an awesome Adventure Time shirt at Kohl’s today. There were only two left and both were in my size.

    August 29, 2013
    |Reply
      • Thanks for the link! I started reading this and lost the link, curses. So glad to have found it again!

        I’m bookmarking this time… lol (I forgot the username for my ancient ff.net account, oops)

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • In the next chapter or two, Taylor and Jones will start interacting with Ana on some level.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
    • Isn’t Sawyer a woman? Or did the female security person get fired? I’ve clearly lost track

      Also I wont to know why she wasn’t expected to have two forms of identification. When I got married I had a slight issue closing my old bank account because I was mid-way through the name changing process and my license didn’t match. Or something. I don’t remember, it was a long time ago.

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • Sophie
        Sophie

        She was not only female, but black, so yeah, they fired her for doing her job.. She was fair game for these two c***ts and their c***t of an author,

        August 31, 2013
        |Reply
      • Yeah, the black woman was fired because Ana was desperate to have some will of her own, and so of course it had to be the black woman’s fault. There is so much wrong with that whole scene.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
  7. Katie
    Katie

    I know somebody who had their first kid a few years ago, and while the wife was pregnant they referred to the baby as ‘Blip.’ Seeing Ana refer to her devil spawn that way is a bit infuriating to me.

    Also, the picture with you crossing your fingers and looking up to the sky hopefully? That had me literally laughing out loud. That was fantastic 😀

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  8. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Crowley’s Bentley!!! You’re my hero.

    Also, I’m in school for accountancy. Auditors would have a SHIT FIT over this. SHIT. FIT. And the Federal Reserve only deals with banks. Not people. However wealthy.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Kate
      Kate

      I have an Economics degree and during the scene with the bank I just kept seeing Mark Wahlberg in The Other Guys yelling, “We’re gonna lock you up in the Federal Reserve!” and then Will Ferrell is in the background saying, “He still doesn’t understand the concept.” Only Mark Wahlberg represents everyone in the story and E.L. James, and Will Ferrell is anyone with common sense.

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        Everyone keeps telling me to see that, so I suppose I will have to, lol.

        September 3, 2013
        |Reply
  9. Karen Wapinski
    Karen Wapinski

    thank you for all these recaps i really look forward to them and share them with my sister and best friend. since we are regrettably nearing the end of the book (a phrase that never crossed my mind when i was actually reading it) i have to ask if you’re going to turn your attention to another series to recap? please say yes 😀

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  10. Jenny, you were in fine form with this recap. I laughed out loud several times which was slightly awkward since I was reading this on my phone at the laundromat. Oh well, I’m sure the good patrons of said laundromat have seen weirder.

    I actually keep picturing Sawyer as Josh Holloway. I like the idea of Sawyer on LOST doing an epic con on Christian Grey pre-island. Someone write a fanfic! lol

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • beckongcat
      beckongcat

      The fact that I think lost Sawyer is more of a moral person and more likeable than Chedward should tell us something.

      July 24, 2015
      |Reply
  11. Sophie
    Sophie

    Jenny can I ask a question – would you consider putting an archive on here like you had on the last blog, you know, one of those lists at the side that gives you links to all posts month by month in a drop down list? to make it easier to find awesome half-remembered stuff, or to see if I missed awesome stuff in the past, etc?

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  12. Happy Anarchist
    Happy Anarchist

    Coming out of lurk mode to say: just saw Secretary for the first time the other day; picturing Chedward and Ana as creepy James Spader and awkward Maggie Gyllenhaal makes fifty shades of hellbroth 1000x better. The reverse didn’t quite ruin the spanky parts of the movie, but it sure as hell made the romance feel weird. And now I’ll spend the rest of the day thinking about spanking instead of actually working…

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Zee
      Zee

      I try and keep the Secretary separate from 50 because the Secretary doesn’t deserve that. Don’t do it. You’ll ruin an amazing film.

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • I agree. Secretary has its problematic parts but it is leagues above 50 Shades. It has some lovely cinematography IMO and characters I actually give a damn about.

        This movie also got me (someone who knew nothing more about kink and BDSM than the narrow stereotypes fed to me by popular culture) to think differently about the subject. I like that Leigh (the heroine of Secretary) isn’t a virgin when she meets Edward Grey and that after he ends their relationship she starts researching BDSM on her own and looking for a new Dom. This would be unthinkable in 50 Shades because in this book Ana’s sexuality rises and sets in Chedward’s pants.

        I also like that Secretary features Leigh masturbating twice. The movie takes female pleasure seriously and confronts it head on in a sexy and even amusing way. This is pretty rare in popular culture especially compared to the frequency of portrayals of men masturbating. I’d take Leigh over Ana any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
  13. Jemmy
    Jemmy

    “If a felon tried to escape Chedward’s apartment, he’d just send them art school.”

    I laughed way too much at that line.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  14. Lieju
    Lieju

    I don’t actually blame Ana for (the most of) her behaviour in this chapter.
    It’s not weird for her to assume Jack knows everything and has power everywhere, after all, that’s what Christian is like.
    And if you consider her a victim of abuse, maybe this is all her subconsciously trying to escape, or just have some freedom?
    After all, if (or when) she gets caught, she can hope to escape Christian’s wrath by saying she was forced into it.

    Also, was I the only one, who, when reading Jack saying ‘If things had been different, it could have been me.’, thought he meant he could have been the one to marry Grey.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Stella
      Stella

      You were not the only one who thought that.

      Also, this would be a GREAT test run for Ana if she did want to leave Christian. He’s readily parted with five million dollars, very few questions asked, after she fake-dumped him on the phone. If I were her I’d make the drop for Mia, pay off Sawyer with some of the 54K and run like a bat out of hell with the rest.

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • People have pointed out that the child makes running harder, and I’ve been wondering if running now would help that some – she could claim not to know who the father was, and it would slow him down some at least. I certainly know they don’t assume paternity – I got so annoyed at the nurses badgering me to sign consent forms for my newborn when I wanted to sleep and my husband was standing right there, but apparently his signature doesn’t count until the birth certificate is filed.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • Lady, what state was that? Generally it’s presumed a husband is the father, even when there’s reason to believe he’s not. When the ex-wife of an ex of mine cheated on him during a two-month period they were apart and they both knew the baby wasn’t his, they still had to fight in court to get the birth certificate to reflect the actual father, even after blood work proved it. So he was, for a time, considered to have all the same rights, even before the birth certificate was filed.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • We’re in Pennsylvania, and we had to do the same runaround both times. (I had my girls at two different hospitals, so I don’t think it was just crazy nurses or anything.) It had to be my signature on the consent forms and I had to have the matching wristband. Admittedly we left less than 24 hours after the birth both times, so for all I know it would have changed if we’d been there longer. I hadn’t considered that it might be a state-by-state thing.

        September 6, 2013
        |Reply
  15. Flo
    Flo

    As someone who used to work in banking–wtf?! E. L. James should be pistol whipped and shot with than gun.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  16. Helen
    Helen

    I just. don’t. understand. What she does in this chapter makes no fucking sense even without the ridiculous part about being able to withdraw millions from a normal bank. Seriously – he says “don’t call the cops” but how on earth will he know? Or even if she does think the phone is tapped or whatever, why can’t she tell Sawyer, Taylor, the bank manager, somebody? How is Jack going to find out?

    And this is supposed to be an intelligent woman. *sigh*

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      Maybe Jack put a bug in the plum dress, knowing it is the only dress she ever wears.

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • sorcha
        sorcha

        LOL!!

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
  17. kristy
    kristy

    I’m going to use “radioactive cloud of weaponized stupid” in every possible sentence.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  18. Laura
    Laura

    “From now on, I’ll be mentally swapping ‘Ana’ for ‘Ms. Judgmental Cunt.'”

    Don’t give me that look. You know she’d call you worse if you accidentally crossed her path.”

    My immediate thought after reading this was, “Yep, I’m blonde, and a bartender.” I’d probably get accused of trying to ply Chedward away from her with the promise of booze and my body. Actually, this sounds like a good assassination attempt plot… slip some arsenic in one of their wine bottles… who’d know?

    And, now I’m one of those people who are mentally planning real ways to kill fictional characters. I need a drink.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      It’d be the perfect crime since anyone that knew Ana would know she’s perpetually one glass of wine away from alcohol poisoning anyway.

      September 1, 2013
      |Reply
  19. Sassy
    Sassy

    I love the ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ GIF. Sometimes I need to watch it about 10 times just to fully express how I feel about this crap.

    I’m going to miss these recaps so much when you’re done!!! I’d love to see you tackle Twishite, or something equally terrible and LOL-worthy.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  20. So, in the real world, who keeps $5mil in a single bank account? Isn’t that shit only insured until a certain dollar amount, I think $250,000?

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • That would get really problematic for the super-wealthy – they’d have to have dozens or hundreds of bank accounts. I have to assume that some banks (and brokers, I guess) offer special accounts with higher limits.

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
    • Yeah, wait a minute. Why doesn’t Christian have a Swiss bank account or one of those offshore accounts movie supervillains keep their ill-gotten gains in?

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
    • Erin
      Erin

      If you’re wealthy, you don’t put your money in bank accounts. Not much of it, anyway. Bank accounts generally get less than 1% interest, and inflation averages out to 3% or so. Money in the bank is depreciating yearly, and you don’t become (and stay) wealthy by letting your money depreciate.

      Some money would be in bank accounts, enough to handle expenses and rapid transfers. But the majority of it would be invested. E.L. Dipshit even touched on this when she mentioned Chedward “[liquidating] some of his assets.” In order to get your hands on $5 million that fast, you’d need to contact whomever is managing your portfolio and have them cash in flexible assets. This would be BEFORE that money arrived in the bank and that whole lengthy process began. Also, he’d probably have to sell said assets at a loss in order to move them so quickly–that $5 million could end up costing quite a bit more.

      I’m not an expert on this by any means, so please correct me if I got something wrong. I have had to handle large sums of money before, though, and if I had just left $5 million in a bank account I would have been out of a job. If E.L. James is handling her money this badly I am going to laaaaaugh . . . and wait gleefully for her to go bankrupt.

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
  21. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Now, y’see, I live in the UK and know nothing about US banks other than what’s been kindly provided by Mistress Trout and above commenters… but seriously, EL? Seriously?

    Even over here, you need two forms of ID if you want to muck around with your account. And although withdrawing money isn’t ‘mucking about’, I think FIVE MILLION DOLLARS (or your regional equivalent) would raise some eyebrows. Hell, you need ID to collect a parcel at the Post Office depot, and even then they give you suspicious looks….

    The point being, in a world where you have to phone the bank to tell them if you’re going on holiday because they might stop your credit card if it suddenly makes transactions overseas (yes, that is a thing that happens), any sane person knows that what Ana does is impossible to the highest degree. Even within the realms of fiction.

    (Otherwise bank robbers would pull that trick all the time and not have to bother with the balaclavas, firearms and shouting or whatever actually goes on outside movies.)

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Alice A
      Alice A

      When we went to America, my dad didn’t call his bank to warn them and so his hard was frozen until he could get it fixed. DAD, you’ve been overseas at least once every year for the past ten years, how could you either forget or not realise?!

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • Zee
        Zee

        Screw the banks, I was just overseas, using wifi on my phone and I got blocked out of my email in case I wasn’t me. Email. Just in case there was a financial trail in my emails that someone overseas was trying to access.

        August 31, 2013
        |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      Even here in the States some banks will cut off your debit card if you travel too far from home. When I was 19 I drove from south Texas to Orlando (it was a bit more than 1300 miles) when I went to pay for my hotel room in Orlando (my apartment wasn’t going to be ready until the day after I got in to town) my debit card came back denied. When I called the bank about it they said it was because my card was being used “suddenly” in a different state from where I lived.

      And the thing was, it wasn’t like I’d used it in Brownsville, Tx, then the next day or later that day used it in Orlando. I could see that potentially being suspicious, especially if none of the transactions in the last few months had been plane tickets. I used it in at least 3 different cities in Texas on gas and food, I’d used it in Louisiana, I’d used it on gas, 2 meals and a hotel in Mississippi and I’d used it in at least 2 different towns in Florida before getting to Orlando. Anyone with my bank records and a 5th grade level understanding of American geography could have seen “Oh, whoever has this card is driving from south Texas to Orlando.”

      It took me nearly an hour to convince the bank over the phone that I was me and I had in fact driven myself to Florida because I was MOVING there. All while having hotel staff hover over me as if they were sure I was going to split and run out on my bill.

      The next day my card got cut off again because I’d used it in a suburb of Orlando when I’d told them I’d moved to Orlando, not Kissimmee. I’m so, so, so glad I dropped Bank of America. It’s like they just look for new ways to piss off as many customers as possible as often as possible.

      September 1, 2013
      |Reply
      • Well, I’m glad that when I failed to realize my credit card was over limit in Louisiana, (from Ohio) I was able to use my ATM card to pay my hotel. I did not know ow lucky I was! Then again, this was a dozen years ago, so maybe now I couldn’t. But I don’t have Bank of America, either.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
      • I have USAA and love them. There was something suspicious going on with my account, and instead of cutting everything off, left the charges as pending, didn’t lower my account balance or availability, and CALLED ME to let me know and ask how I’d like it handled. Since the charges weren’t authorized, they rushed me a new debit card and left my old one active until the new one arrived, and if there were to be any charges I didn’t authorize until then, they’d take care of it. I totally could have gone on a shopping spree and had it taken off, but didn’t. This just happened in this past week. I’m so impressed.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • Annie
        Annie

        Kathleen- That trip to Florida was 10 years ago. I had Bank of America only because it was the only bank that existed both in the city my dad lived in and in Orlando and we wanted him to be able to move money quickly from one account to the other. When I got back to Texas a year later the first thing I did was snuggle my dog (well, dad’s dog, but my dog too), then got Mexican food, then closed my Bank of America account. I couldn’t wait to be rid of them.

        Alys- I love USAA. I grew up in San Antonio and theyre a major employer there. My mother’s had a USAA account since she was a teen and my first account ever was a USAA account when I was 8. Several members of my family work for them and they all say they’re awesome employers too.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • Annie, I wish there were more locations outside USAA. It’s clear they are a very caring institution, even for those of us with civilian accounts.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • Annie
        Annie

        Yeah, I use a local Credit Union down here in south Texas, but if/when (please, oh, please) I move back to San Antonio I’d jump back to USAA lickity-split. And not just because my mom works there as well as a few cousins and such. I get them back even if I knew no one that worked there.

        My mom had major surgery on her back and couldn’t work while she was recovering. They gave her a raise in the months before the surgery to allow her to be able to save more money for when she’d be out of work for a few months, then they saved her job for her until she’d gotten the okay to go back to work TEN MONTHS LATER. In this kind of job market, they saved her job for ten months. When they had zero obligation to do so legal or otherwise. USAA doesn’t just take care of their customers, they take amazing care of their employees too. I’ve only ever heard good things.

        And I wish more companies did that because when your business is customer service it benefits you to have happy employees. Happy employees deal better, more calmly and more rationally with angry, upset customes, their happy moods are contagious and makes the people having an average day chipper and happy in turn, and they remember it. Customers want to come to you because they never leave feeling worse than when they came in, etc.

        And you have things like: I remember as a kid when mom would pull up the car to deposit a check, they always sent these candies or mints in the tube with your receipt, cash, etc. If they saw my brother and I in the car they’d throw in a lot more of them. Then one of the ladies started bringing Dum Dums lollipops and when she saw us (and I’m sure other kids) she sent us a huge handful of mints and a lollipop each. She would remember that my favorite was strawberry and send me a strawberry lollipop every time. I could see her up there through the window digging in the bowl to find a strawberry one for me.

        And obviously you remember those kinds of things. Now that I’m grown, when I’m in San Antonio I use USAA and I recommend it to everyone in town. By giving that little girl in pigtails a strawberry sucker they got a potential customer for life. So many companies loose sight of that kind of “a customer remembers kindness” mentality so they can make a quick buck.

        Oh, and nice link: the Credit Union I use now, if they see the dogs in the car they send them each a big milkbone, and when they see my son the send him a Dum Dum lollipop. And they make sure to send him a red one each time because it’s his favorite color. So I suppose I picked the local institution that reminded me the most of USAA and of home, 🙂

        September 3, 2013
        |Reply
    • Stella
      Stella

      My friend’s mother forced her father to chuck out some ancient suits and replace them (the first time he’d bought new clothes in almost a decade). The bank froze his card for ‘suspicious activity’.

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
  22. I have had to deal with banks a lot lately, and they are a massive pain in the ass. I wouldn’t even try and get a couple grand in cash let alone 5 million. But if I was Hyde I would ask for a hell of a lot more than that. Or better yet, find something to blackmail her with and have her just wire him money on a regular basis. Like maybe telling all the companies SIP has to deal with that their CEO is an incompetent fuck up who screwed her way to the top and dealing with her isn’t worth their time. Or hell, she’s dumb enough, photoshop some pictures of her with another guy and threaten to send them to Christian.

    No matter how many ways I look at this I can’t decide who’s the stupidest character in this chapter. Ana for… every action she takes in this chapter, Christian for… everything he does in this chapter… the bank manager, for everything he does in this chapter… Seeing a trend here…

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  23. Promise
    Promise

    Per the Washington State Dept. of Licensing’s FAQ page:

    When do I need to have a concealed pistol license?
    By law, you must have a concealed pistol license (CPL) when you are:
    •Carrying a pistol concealed on your person.
    •Carrying or placing a loaded pistol in a vehicle.

    Do I need to register my firearms in Washington State?
    No.

    How do I transfer ownership of my pistol or revolver?
    There isn’t a requirement to transfer ownership. However, both parties may complete a Pistol/Revolver Private Disposition/Transfer form voluntarily to report the change in ownership. You won’t receive a notification after we receive the form.

    So the whole thing about the gun not being registered is actually something EL got right (shocking, I know). I know you have to have gun ownership registered in some states, but AFAIK, not in most of them.

    Doesn’t make Ana taking the gun into the bank with her make any sense, except I guess that’s the only way she’d have it with her when she got to where Jack was, but this whole plot point is stupid anyway.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Facepalm, because I should have remembered that when I researched it when the gun first came up in the second book! So, she did need a concealed carry permit, but the gun didn’t need to be registered.

      August 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • Promise
        Promise

        Thanks to Law and Order, most Americans don’t realize that every state doesn’t require gun registration.

        Even with a concealed carry permit, I don’t she would be authorized to take it into the bank.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • I struggle with remembering all of the rules for my state alone, LOL. Never mind 49 others. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to move to Vermont.

        August 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • No, it wouldn’t be allowed in a bank even with a CCP. Banks post signs that firearms aren’t allowed, and a CCP doesn’t give license to ignore that. So Ana is in double violation of the law.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • The bank my mom goes to even has a sign on the door asking you to take off your sunglasses before you enter. In addition to the one saying no concealed weapons are permitted.

        September 4, 2013
        |Reply
  24. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Every time some woman looks at Anna with surprise when she tells them she’s Christian’s wife, all I can think of is Arrested Development and Ann – “Her?”

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  25. RodeoBob
    RodeoBob

    I haven’t been reading along, so it might be in the text somewhere, but does Ana actually have any proof at all that Jack has kidnapped Mia? All I’ve seen in the recap is that Ana picked up the phone, saw the caller ID was Mia’s, but Jack was on the line.

    Is there any proof that Jack didn’t just steal Mia’s phone, or spoof the caller ID to show Mia’s number? We see in this chapter that Ana doesn’t actually, you know, confirm Mia is missing.

    Is the big reveal going to be that Jack tricked Ana (‘clever Ana, smart Ana, brave Ana’) with a caller ID spoof, and the Mia was never in any danger? Good Lord I know these books are dumb, but really?

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • ElBandito
      ElBandito

      Heh, if it was me writing it, I’d make it that it was actually Christian posing as Jack. Jack’s corpse may be buried somewhere in a trash heap, but Christian decides to further ‘test’ Ana (or make sure he’d have some excuse to abuse her worse/kill her once and for all) because hey, Ana called him Bluebeard all the damn time in FSOG–and Bluebeard did ‘test’ his wives to see how they react towards suspicious doors. Christian has an access to Mia’s phone, so the whole time Ana was acting idiotic, Mia’s probably walking around her own house trying to figure out where her phone went.

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
  26. I.D. Blind
    I.D. Blind

    And again I begin reading your new post, burst into laughing, and stop after reading 10%.
    Why?
    Because that book, even in such small dozes, still kills my brain cells. This time I stopped when she rubbed the little blip. Consciously!
    Could someone please rewrite the world and leave this book out?

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  27. Kitteh303
    Kitteh303

    These recraps are actively making me dumber. Your commentary is brilliant but unfortunately dwarfed by the sheer monolithic stupidity that is 50 shades. I can’t words.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  28. RodeoBob
    RodeoBob

    I hate to say it, but E.L James can’t even write a woman-hater properly:

    “Listen here, you prick-teasing, gold-digging whore.

    Look, I’ve read some MRA stuff. I’ve seen sexist remarks, and there is a taxonomy involved.

    Whores perform sexual acts without commitment, in exchange for money. That means they aren’t prick-teasers (who withhold sexual acts) or gold-diggers (who seek commitment)
    Prick-teasers (according to internet misogynists) enjoy humiliating men, and do it for the feeling of power, so they aren’t gold-diggers or whores.

    Jack says refers to Chedward as “that cocksucker you married” which is a rather odd construction to use when speaking to a woman, but in the context of “if things had been different, it could have been me”, it might work to paint Jack an an “Evil Bi-Sexual!”, which would be in keeping with these books terrible views about homosexuality.

    Ana hangs out around Christian, and if nothing else, she should have soaked up some of his manipulative, domineering ways.

    “Oh, you want five million dollars? Are you stupid? Do you know how many private detectives, security contractors, and mercenaries I could hire for five million dollars? The Russian mafia is active in the pacific northwest; do you know how inexpensive it is to hire a hit man? I won’t go to the police; you’ll just disappear one day somewhere between your home and buying milk at the store, and when the police find your remains in a dirty shed in the Olympic Peninsula, there won’t be any skin on your fingertips or teeth in your head to identify you with. My husband bought a company because he wanted to keep an eye on his girlfriend. What lengths do you think he would go to if someone hurt his sister?”

    In a better book, Ana dating a Dom would mean she’s understand power dynamics, and recognize a potential scene when she saw one.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Emmy
      Emmy

      “I hate to say it, but E.L James can’t even write a woman-hater properly”

      Now that is just plain not true: she wrote Ana 😉

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
    • Well, to be fair, I have been called a whore for refusing to sleep with a guy, and that’s happened several times. MRAs have their definitions for each term, but many of them think nothing of using all of them to insult a single woman.

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • Same here. Except the guys I don’t sleep with prefer “slut” to “whore”.
        I’ve wondered why and someone told me they probably intend the insult to mean that you are banging every other guy out there except them.

        And of course- because I’m not going about in flannels and a crewcut, while smoking a cigar-
        they don’t think to make sure I’ve actually slept with a man in this decade before they get insulted.
        But that’s another issue.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
  29. I have been waiting for you to get to this chapter, because it really is the funniest one of the bunch. I remember reading it and just howling with mirth until the tears ran.

    This recap was one of your best, I think.

    But! Regional accents are funny, because when you said “Sawyer rhymes with foyer” I was totally confused… because in Canada it’s pronounced “foy-yay” since we’re all fancy and French and shit. (Honestly, it just made me smile. Not trying to be a grammar pedant or a douche.)

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Haha. I had the same reaction. In fact I had to read that twice, as my Canuckian mind went ‘Wut? Sawyer. Sigh-yay?’.

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      being English I say ‘foy-yay’ and ‘soy-yar’ so now I’m wondering how else either of them would be…? Soy-yay? foy-yar? *confused*

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • Zee
        Zee

        Which part of England? I’m in Essex, and I’d say Foy-yer. You can make of that what you will 😉

        August 31, 2013
        |Reply
      • I’m in the midwestern United States. If someone pronounced it “foy-yay” they would probably get mocked for being too fancy.

        August 31, 2013
        |Reply
      • Annie
        Annie

        I’m from Texas and I do say “foy-yay,” but I can confirm what Jen said because I have been told before “Well, Miss La-Dee-Dah, it might be said foy-yay in fancy pants Hoity-Toityville, but here in Texas we say our ‘r’s. It’s a foy-YER.”
        Then I have to counter with some comment about that we (I am Texan, after all) may say our ‘r’s but we sure are all about droppin’ those ‘g’s when they’re at the end of a word.”

        I also picked up foy-yay more than likely from my VERY Texan, yet very proper grandma. I can remember not being allowed to sit on the ‘divan’ because it was much too pretty for people to sit on. And woe betide the person that dared call is a sofa or worse yet, a couch.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
      • Caroline
        Caroline

        Yeah, I also got a little confused there. I’m French, and to us it’s closer to “fwa-yeɪ”. In the U.S. (West Coast) and in Canada (Ontario), I’d only ever heard it pronounced “foy-yay”, so it made me wonder if little Tom Soy-yer had really been little Tom Soy-yay all along. Which would totally ruin my belted renditions of the cartoon’s theme song! Crisis averted.

        September 4, 2013
        |Reply
  30. this was completely hilarious and i loved it. thank you!

    not really clear on why Chedward needs a gym bag when he’s certainly rich enough to have a personal gym. not to mention that we never see him working out. which is surprising, given the sexy potential.

    Ana should be shown to people learning about personal safety as the gold standard for how not to do it.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  31. OK, this is far and away the most bulltastic chapter in the history of chapters, but EVEN AMID ALL THAT, we get one of E.L.’s classic continuity fails:

    . . . Miss Insincere Smile reenters with a carafe of water and a glass.

    “Mrs. Grey,” she says softly as she places the glass on the desk.

    “Thank you.” I take the glass and drink gratefully.

    So . . . who filled the glass? Also, why the fuck do I care, in this (ostensibly) dramatically tense scene, if Ana is being offered a drink? They wasted at least half a page on her choice of beverage in the first chapter of the series, not to mention the tea scene in the hospital in FSF and “I have needs . . . bathroom needs” (dumbest line ever) in chapter 9 of FSOG, and the next chapter will be all about Ana using a catheter. What’s with E.L.’s obsession with liquids, input and output? WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, MISS POTATION OBSESSER?!

    Also: As I understand it, not even cops are trained to shoot to wound if they reasonably fear getting shot themselves. Was that part of Ray’s military experience?

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • I can just about guarantee that the fanfic version of this was, “I have needs . . . human needs.” Bella said that at some point in I think the first book so she could go shower and brush her teeth.

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
  32. Karen
    Karen

    Is it wrong that the part of this chapter that annoyed me the most was the bank teller apparently thinking less of her for wearing jeans? It’s the pacific northwest, that is not a good indicator of status here.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      Is that really a sign of status anywhere in the US besides maybe (and it’s a big maybe) Beverly Hills or parts of Manhattan?
      If they were baggy, torn (in the laundry-day-last-clean-pair-of-pants way, not in the chic way), stained I can perhaps see that, but there are designer, stylishly cut, ungodly expensive, one-percenter jeans and I’m assuming with the gobs of money, Christian’s exacting and obsessive standards and Ana’s personal stylist or whatever she was, Ana would be wearing the latter.

      Also, ummm… Why did she have to change clothes? Wouldn’t that just waste time? And who would even think to change clothes while in such a panic and on such a short (2 hours? Really, EL? Two hours? Really?) deadline?

      September 1, 2013
      |Reply
  33. I laughed really hard at this.

    And then I remembered that E. L. James is a published author (and an obscenely successful one at that) and I’m not.

    And then I had a drink.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
  34. Am I the only one who’s seriously WTF’d out by all of Anna’s mumbling to “blip”? It’s never actually, you know, affection toward the baby… It’s always just mumblings about how the baby makes Anna’s life and choices so important. I get the distinct impression that she is one of those women who is going consider reproducing the end-all-be-all of life, and walk around saying insensitive things like “you don’t know real love until you have a baby”, and “breast feeding is what makes you a real woman.”

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Too bad she’s breastfeeding her husband. Wait until the epilogue. Just wait. With a puke bucket.

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
    • Kate
      Kate

      Never been pregnant, but I think it’s pretty dang creepy that she’s talking to/about a thing the size of a lima bean. A friend of mine talks about her husband’s sudden understanding they were having a baby. I mean, they knew, it was a planned pregnancy, they’d done ultrasounds, heart monitoring, bought baby stuff, but he didn’t really connect to the reality of the situation until it started kicking. It went from, “my wife is pregnant,” to “there’s a BABY in there!” I have no way of knowing, but I don’t think I could cultivate a relationship with a foetus until it felt to me like there was a tiny human in there. At least until it was a viable pregnancy, and Ana’s, what, 5 weeks at this point?

      But, EL’s had two children, maybe this mirrors her experience?

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
      • Almost all of my own friends talk to theirs as well, at least the ones who planned. The ones who didn’t plan it took a while to get over the shock. What’s odd is how fast Ana acclimated to it when it was a huge shock. “OMG I’m pregnant…WTF OH NOES” to “Aw, I love you, Little Bean,” in, what, 24 hours? This is supposed to mirror Bella accepting her pregnancy in about two seconds and having a sudden willingness to die for the baby when right before that she didn’t even care about having kids.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
      • Annie
        Annie

        The one time I was pregnant I talked to the baby starting pretty early. Buuuuttt it took us many years to get pregnant so I had a very long time to process it, and I had pretty bad hyperemesis once I finally got pregnant. During those times when I was so sick I didn’t know how I could make it another day, another hour, another minute I talked to him to remind myself why I had to press on. The hyperemesis for me started very quickly for me, around week 5, and lasted until the day he was born. So, yeah, I talked to him when he was essentially a collection of cells.

        I think my husband didn’t really feel a connection to the baby until he felt him kicking too. Even then it was a light connection because on some level he felt resentful that the baby was making me so sick. He saw his beloved wife sick as hell every day and only felt the baby every so often.

        All that said, I also kind of wonder if women that have an unplanned pregnancy feel a connection to the baby so soon. By the 12 week sonogram it isn’t a bean (which is what it’s usually called that early on fertility and pregnancy message boards because that’s exactly what it looks like on dating sonograms) any more, but looks like a baby. A head with a profile, a body, 4 limbs. The head is proportionally much bigger than on a term baby, of course, but it definitely looks human. Many women I’ve known that have had unplanned pregnancy have said that’s when it kind of hit them it was a baby, their baby, not this event that was ripping asunder all their plans.
        I suppose it’s different for everyone, and I’m sure there are women out there who have an unplanned pregnancy that feel a nearly immediate connection, Ana just doesn’t seem like the type to have an immediate emotional connection to anyone but herself and Chedward.

        September 2, 2013
        |Reply
        • I never talked to mine, the whole time I was pregnant, except for reading it stories or playing music for it, but I did *think* of it as a little bean, from the first ultrasound. Mine was an accidental pregnancy, and that first ultrasound was actually to date the pregnancy so that it could be terminated…so it was definitely unplanned and unwanted…though I obviously went through with it. Even when the decision was made to keep it, though, I didn’t really connect with it that much, aside from feeling empathy for it and its little heartbeat. So in my experience, it did certainly take longer to build the emotional connection than it seemed to take Ana, but I could still kind of see it.

          September 2, 2013
          |Reply
  35. Amanda
    Amanda

    Oh man I love how the teller is giving her snarky stink-eye before she even said how large of a withdrawal she wanted to make. “A woman in jeans?? GETTING MONEY FROM A BANK? Let me put on my worst customer service face.” Because apparently this is the scene from Pretty Woman where she gets sneered at in the clothing store, except that it’s in a bank and there’s no reason for tellers to sneer at customers for showing up in day clothes.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      OMG yes. In fact SO MUCH of these books is ELJ desperately wanting to be Julia Roberts in that scene, isn’t it? All the ‘Yeah, bitch, he’s MINE’ is just her fantasising about humiliating other women who judged her on her looks. She forgets that by describing Ana as so beautiful that men faint in her wake, she’s kind of made it unlikely that the women who see her with Grey won’t believe he’s with her unless she grabs him and needily rubs all over him. You can’t have it both ways ELJ. You can’t have every man who sees Ana fall desperately in lust with her and lso have every woman who sees her and Grey together be surprised and disappointed that he’s with her.

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • SandorClegane13
        SandorClegane13

        I know, and it’s not like she’s one of those people who can light up any room they walk into with their charismatic personality. She’s about as charismatic as a sack of rabbit carcasses.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
  36. Christina
    Christina

    This has nothing to do with this post (which was brilliant by the way!) and everything to do with The Boss and The Girlfriend. I bought both off of Amazon a few days ago and enjoyed every moment I spent reading them.

    I found The Boss to be exciting, sexy, and hilarious but goddamn, The Girlfriend moved me. By the fifth page I was crying, the last chapter I sobbed. Full on lip quivering, weird sound making, can’t help myself sobbed.

    Thanks to your blog and your books I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried and cried so hard I’ve puked (I mean that as a compliment, I don’t ralph easily!). Thanks for doing what you do.

    August 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Zee
      Zee

      I just got them both on amazon too, but today, since Jenny decided the perfect time for these posts was when I was gorging myself on pizza and gelato in Italy 😛 touché Jenny, touché!

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
  37. Zee
    Zee

    The bank thing is such a crock. Sometimes, someone at my store will forget our weekly change order and we’ll have to arrange with the local branch of the bank we’re connected with to get some. It can take six hours just to get £300 worth of pennies and ten pence pieces. I’m purely talking about English banks, obviously, and even though we serve them lunch, even though we’ve done it multiple times, even though we’re two minutes apart from each other … Six hours. I still have to cross a road. Even with a few workmates coming to do that sort of transaction, that is terrifying. EL James needs to wake up into the real world.

    August 31, 2013
    |Reply
  38. Amber
    Amber

    Completely aside from taking out 5 mil in cash on short notice (which is laughable as mentioned), does nobody else have transaction limits? I paid for my car in cash a few years ago, it was just about 5K, and I had to do it in installments because i’m only allowed to spend 4K per day. Like, pure spending, paying bills or business transactions are obviously treated differently. And that’s not even just cash, I can’t even use my debit card for more than 4K daily.

    Also, lol at the idea that rich people don’t wear jeans. Come on. Being rich doesn’t mean you lose your desire to be comfortable when you aren’t working. One of our clients is a dude who not only has his own private jet (and three other varying sorts of planes plus a helicopter), but he built his own damn airport to house them in, and you wouldn’t think it just talking to him or looking at him.

    August 31, 2013
    |Reply
    • Jemmy
      Jemmy

      To be completely fair, I can’t see a billionaire having such a small transaction limit on his accounts. It would make it next to impossible for them to go shopping. I guess they could have high limit credit cards when then get auto billed to the bank each month, but a billionaire who can’t go out and spend 300k on a car isn’t going to be having much fun in my opinion.

      But a pure cash withdrawal is different. No bank is going to hold massive cash reserves on the off chance someone is going to need that kind of money.

      August 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        But, and this might just be for my bank, my main account will only let me take £200 cash out a day, and £300 from my credit card or savings. But there’s no limit to what I can charge, so long as i have the funds. I’d think most stinking rich would charge it.

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
    • I have USAA, and there are no single-transaction withdrawal limits provided the bank I’m withdrawing from is willing to go so high (and the feds step in for $10k-single-transactions, but USAA will still allow it). Just call USAA and let them know. Since there aren’t local branches, it’s done as a cash advance through the credit part. Since USAA is so awesome, they cover the fees.

      I went through I think Union One when I needed to withdraw $5k for a vehicle, and had to give them heads up.

      By the way, I love USAA, just in case you issued the name the first five times in these comments. I’ve never loved a bank the way I love them. They serve primarily military and their families, but civilians can get accounts too, though can’t access loan services. Despite that, best bank ever.

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
  39. Lily
    Lily

    Gahhh, thank god there were Crowley and Wizard Giles references in here. It’s the only thing that prevented the shape of my keyboard from being imprinted in my forehead.

    August 31, 2013
    |Reply
    • Just shared that on facebook. I wish it were longer though, it could have listed specific events in more detail instead of being so general. Still a good read though.

      September 1, 2013
      |Reply
      • Ygi
        Ygi

        I absolutely agree – a longer and more detailed story would have been nice. They could have also used The Boss as the negative control sample hehe 🙂

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
      • Yes. Or a book about a male sub and female dom. …I can’t be the only female sadist on the planet, where the fuck are these books!? I can find tons of gay ones, but, they don’t really count because they’ll have a male sub by default… Come on people! …I kind of want to plagiarize 50 Shades of Shit and turn it into 50 Shades of Satire (trademark: me 😛 ) and leave everything as is, but flip the genders. And see how people respond when they see it like that. Like the flipped Blurred Lines video from the Slut Shaming post. …But I couldn’t leave it as is, even for satirical purposes, I’d have to fix that appalling grammar… >.>

        September 1, 2013
        |Reply
    • I thought that was Oregon State University. 🙂

      Excellent article. It’s completely correct, and I like that they pointed out that there is such a thing as consensual BDSM and that it requires respect in negotiations, which didn’t happen. Like Avery said, I wish that it went into more detail.

      September 2, 2013
      |Reply
  40. ceedee
    ceedee

    BIG BADA BOOM!!!

    September 1, 2013
    |Reply
  41. Jenny, are you holding Roadhouse hostage? 😮 Will you bring it back if we give you $5,000,000? You haven’t hurt it have you?

    September 1, 2013
    |Reply
  42. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Ahum… That’s MRS judgemental cunt… Pretty sure Christian would spank you for making that mistake! Lol

    September 1, 2013
    |Reply
  43. Red
    Red

    I couldn’t be the only one who saw Jack as Dr Evil saying “5 MILLion dollars!” While everyone else was saying O_o “Really?”

    September 1, 2013
    |Reply
    • I totally thought that too! I wounder if he held his pinky up to his mouth as well.

      September 1, 2013
      |Reply
    • I immediately flashed to the scene with Dr. Evil’s anachronistic ransom request at that point in the recap. Good to know I’m not the only one. ヘ(^_^ヘ)

      September 3, 2013
      |Reply
  44. Sushi
    Sushi

    Anyone remember that Sweet Valley High storyline with that serial killer girl Margo who looked just like the twins (apart from her hair) and she moved to the town and dyed her hair and tried to murder Elizabeth and become her. And then it turned out SHE had a twin too, called Nora, and they fought over who would be Jessica and so Nora killed Jessica before Margo could but plot twist! Margo had already kidnapped her and Nora had really killed her own twin?

    Still more plausible – and far more entertaining – than these books.

    September 1, 2013
    |Reply
  45. freakycharlie94
    freakycharlie94

    Awesome re-cap, Jenny!

    September 1, 2013
    |Reply
  46. Oh boy, really want to know E.L James’s reaction to the study. She denies that books perpetuate abuse, and so forth. What will she way when she sees that some people conducted a STUDY and found her books to be abusive?

    September 1, 2013
    |Reply
  47. Erin
    Erin

    I’m a screenwriter, so when someone says “five million dollars,” I automatically wonder what exactly that would look like. Turns out it looks like this: http://www.frontiernet.net/~wildpig/5mil.jpg

    Nice job getting that into a duffel bag, Ana. What are you, Mary Poppins?

    September 2, 2013
    |Reply
  48. Calla
    Calla

    New here, though I’ve been lurking. I just wanted to say thank you for going through the agonizing trial of reading these books. I found out about your blog a little over a month ago after reading some other 50 Shades reviews. I had been reading your recaps round the clock when suddenly I realized I had reached the end of them and now I would have to do the unthinkable, which was wait like everyone else has to wait for the next entry. Now I’m just bummed there’s only one chapter left. But I guess we have the movie to look forward to…or not. Anyway, thanks for the 50 Shades laughs!

    September 2, 2013
    |Reply
  49. Pam
    Pam

    “Look, unless you’re writing actual fantasy, this shit does not fly.”

    And even if you *are* writing actual fantasy, it still wouldn’t fly. One of the hallmarks of a good fantasy story is well-thought-out, consistent world-building. When you’re asking your readers to accept the existence of, say, dragons, it’s much harder to get them to suspend their disbelief if the dragons live in a world that makes no damn sense.

    September 2, 2013
    |Reply
  50. The-Great-Dragon
    The-Great-Dragon

    “I want his money. I really want his fucking money. If things had been different, it could have been me…”
    Lmao. That makes it sound like Jack Hyde’s saying if things had been different, HE’D be the one married to Christian. (Is it weird that I could kind of see that?)

    September 2, 2013
    |Reply
    • Lurker
      Lurker

      They are two horrible people who use their power over vulnerable women to force them in sexual relationships with them and blackmail them. Also, DETROIT.

      It’s perfect!

      September 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        Lmao. It so is. You could really spin a whole Destiny Storyline with it too. Pretty sure Edward and Jack are soul mates.

        September 3, 2013
        |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        I meant Christian. Whoops.

        September 3, 2013
        |Reply
  51. Amy
    Amy

    Jack was doing his Groundskeeper Willie impression, you cheese-eating surrender monkey.

    September 3, 2013
    |Reply
  52. Lurker
    Lurker

    “When evil people drive normal cars, the cars turn into Crowley’s Bentley from Good Omens, and are identifiable on sight.”

    Humor and references are the only thing that is making those recaps funny instead of “WHY”.

    Ana is still horrible, but not having Christian around made everything so much better!

    September 3, 2013
    |Reply
  53. Two things… WP says you have 160 comments, and even on the #comments page, I see 7.

    Anyhow, as right as you are about so much of this chapter… THIS CHAPTER! Sorry, but I do want to make it clear that you can carry a gun into a bank. Well, a regular commercial bank, even in Washington http://www.washingtongunrights.com/ . However, that would be only if she was properly open carrying, or had a conceal permit. Either way, the gun would be properly holstered. But since this magically turned into the Federal Reserve, then no, she couldn’t. And as the Federal Reserve, wouldn’t they have a metal detector? You can’t even tour the US Mint in Philadelphia without showing your ID and going through a metal detector. I know the gun is non-existent carbon fiber technology, but are the bullets?

    What kind of idiot doesn’t check the safety of a gun, and then sticks it into the waistband of her jeans? And wouldn’t it be terribly uncomfortable? Yeah, Ray did a really good job teaching her about gun safety and respecting the tool…

    September 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • I was also thrown off by seeing just one comment for a while. 🙂

      Also the concealed carry and open carry laws only apply to public property here. Banks are private property, your home is private property, etc., and as such, banks and you can decide guns aren’t allowed.

      From the link you posted:

      “Can I carry in a bank, grocery store, church?
      They are all private property and may impose their own rules. The Federal Government may own shares of a bank but they DO NOT function as Federal Property.”

      I live in Vancouver, Washington, and have yet to go into a bank that allows guns. Every single one I’ve been in has signs on the doors next to the “assault or murder of a bank employee is a federal crime punishable by yadda yadda.”

      Gun & Ammo magazine wrote an article on the best states for gun rights.

      http://www.gunsandammo.com/2013/03/14/ga-ranks-the-best-states-for-gun-owners-in-2013/

      Washington is closer to the bottom, at #40. This isn’t a shoot-’em’-up state where a CCW means you can carry absolutely anywhere. There are restrictions. Apparently quite a few of them, more than I thought. It’s an issue that doesn’t come up much because out gun-owners are generally satisfied with the gun laws as they are.

      Ana would have had better luck not concealing the gun when going into a bank.

      September 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • You would certainly know Seattle better than I do. Like you said, it comes down to the individual bank companies, and the policies do differ, and a lot from state to state. I know someone here in PA who carries a few thousand dollars from his business to his local bank every day, and has no problem open-carrying his gun into the bank. I so seldom go to the bank myself anymore, I couldn’t tell you what signs are by/on the doors.

        September 3, 2013
        |Reply
    • Simi
      Simi

      how cool would it be if it accidentally blows up her ass!

      September 4, 2013
      |Reply
  54. The-Great-Dragon
    The-Great-Dragon

    I swear, the thing that bugs me the most about this and Twilight is that they could have actually been really good thrillers. Both E.L James and Stephanie Meyer have shown a marvelous capacity for writing tense and scary scenes (often unintentionally.) It’s the romance that falls flat, because it relies too much on lazy writing and classically bad romantic tropes. (plus, you know, abuse.)

    Seriously, this would have made an amazing horror/thriller. Granted, I’m not sure if E.L. James could have handled it. I think she’d have written that badly as well, tbh.

    September 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      I agree, at least when it comes to Twilight. When people would ask me what I thought of the series after I read it (a lot of people asked that. It seemed like in my circles and even in my family a lot of people were curious about the series, but unsure as well. I was one of them. I ended up reading all 4 mostly because I was on bed rest and you can only crochet so many blankets and booties and watch so much daytime television before going insane) I told them that it was a good premise and story in the hands of a really bad writer up until the 4th book. I mostly read Breaking Dawn because it was so laughably bad and I wanted to see what ridiculous thing would happen next.
      I chalked up the subtle abuse (or maybe it just seems subtle to me now compared to 50 Shades’ blatant abuse) and co-dependence to Meyer being a subpar writer and so let it slide.

      50 Shades, on the other hand, I think I detest it so much that I really have a hard time seeing even little positives. Plus, you have “suspense” like there was in this chapter that is so full of holes and just utter ridiculousness that any feeling of tension or apprehension is zapped away.

      September 15, 2013
      |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        That’s why I fee like E.L. James couldn’t handle it. I think any good bits of writing were pretty accidental. I loathe calling people bad writers (I’d rather say they wrote a bad story, because that happens to all writers, and, like, Stephenie Meyer kind of brought it with The Host) but E.L James is a bad writer. Legitimately bad.
        Smeyer, on the other hand – I feel like Twilight fell apart in the typical ways that all first stories fall apart, but it showed promise and it was a pretty brilliant concept. A lot of what Meyer did was what they teach you in English Class, you know, and it wasn’t great, but you could see where she’s coming from. Like her use of the thesaurus was really inaffective, but that’s because she chose bizarre, clunky, outdated words that didn’t fit with the flow. (but in school they were always like “use the thesaurus, find bigger words, la la la” rather than teach how to do that affectively.)
        Additionally, I feel like Meyer’s ability to write a thriller really shows itself in Midnight Sun. Edward was creepy as shit. That’s really probably the real reason that book never came out, because it would have DESTROYED whatever semblance of romance Twilight achieved. For reals, Edward is such a creepy stalker. Weirdo.

        September 24, 2013
        |Reply
  55. Simi
    Simi

    Hitting in the head pretty hard is dangerous, yes, but you don’t fall down. and, the body has reflex reactions, Ana, surely your arms would have gone straight up to protect your smart head?

    PS. you don’t even need to be smart for that. its natural.

    September 4, 2013
    |Reply
  56. Andrea
    Andrea

    I’m also fairly certain you can’t “liquidate assets” like that. I have an ancient mutual fund from my grandparents I’ve had to tap into a few times, and every time I have to wait until the end of the business day for the funds to clear.

    I feel like EL James should have invented a reason for them to have gotten 5 million dollars earlier in the story — maybe something to do with the lesbian architect and the house they are building? — that then got cleared up, so they just fortuitously had 5 million in the safe for Ana to steal. She could have shot the lock with the gun.

    September 5, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      That would have been so much better.

      I can think of maybe two other options as well:

      1) Christian had emergency money on hand in the safe anyway – since he’s paranoid and people are always after him

      2) Jack Hyde contacts Ana earlier in the novel, giving her a week to retrieve the money or else he’ll…kill/kidnap Mia or something. THEN Ana does the whole “I’m leaving you/I need money” thing with Christian and she goes to a hotel to wait out the week until she can get the money. We spend some time with Ana and Christian separated, suspense builds and we get some insight into Ana. Then the day arrives, she does her thing, gets in the scuffle with Jack, and the book continues from there.

      So E.L. James really had three ways to go with this that, personally, I think would have been better. Or, at the very least, more realistic.

      September 5, 2013
      |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        Although, let’s be honest, there’s no way Christian would actually let Ana leave him (another thing wrong this this chapter.)

        September 5, 2013
        |Reply
  57. lori
    lori

    Why does Chedward need a gym bag? To walk down the hall to his state of the art , cant let the subs leave or get fat, home gym??? He wouldn’t need a gym bag while traveling, most crappy hotels have facilities of some sort, much less the high end places he deigns to lodge.

    September 5, 2013
    |Reply
    • I was wondering this also. Dude probably makes his personal trainer travel with him anyway.

      September 6, 2013
      |Reply
  58. Me
    Me

    Help me out here, I’ve never been pregnant (nor do I even want to be), but I dunno, wouldn’t hitting yourself in the head and being kicked in the ribs, not to mention the stress that’s been building up cause at least some complications in the pregnancy, and possibly even an abortion?
    Just askin’.

    September 6, 2013
    |Reply
    • It would be a bad idea, but she’d probably be okay – especially since it’s still pretty early in the pregnancy. Physical trauma doesn’t usually create problems until the last trimester. The stress isn’t great for her child either, but it’s unlikely to create immediate problems. (The stress hormones change how the baby’s brain processes stress and emotion and it could cause emotional issues as an adult. Not that the child of these two idiots was going to escape those.) The heavy drinking and the weight loss, on the other hand….

      September 6, 2013
      |Reply
      • The heavy drinking, I’ll give you. But my cousin’s wife was anorexic and had three healthy babies. I had HORRIBLE morning sickness and lost 20 pounds and weighed 102 right up to my third trimester with no issues. The body gives the baby what it needs.

        September 6, 2013
        |Reply
      • laina1312
        laina1312

        @Renee That’s not always true or women wouldn’t end in the hospital for hyperemesis gravidarum. Not to mention that stuff has to come from somewhere. I don’t know about you but I don’t have an extra supply of vitamin C or whatever shoved into my left thigh 😛

        September 6, 2013
        |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      I had bad hyperemesis gravidarum when I was pregnant and lost quite a bit of weight. I ended up needing an emergency c-section just before I hit 37 weeks because I was so sick that the baby was starting to lose weight. He ended up being fine, with very few complications. Mostly he was just very, very thin and very, very hungry.
      That said, the first trimester was very harrowing. I wasn’t getting even close to the nutrients I needed to support myself, let alone the baby. My doctor reckons that probably one of the major things that saved the pregnancy was that I was overweight when I got pregnant. She thinks if I had been within the “ideal” range for weight or especially underweight, I probably wouldn’t have stayed pregnant beyond 9 weeks or so.

      I kind of think that with Ana being presumably underweight and not eating well or much, added emotional stress and physical trauma very likely could have caused complications. At the same time, it’s not outside the realm of believability that she wouldn’t have complications either. She’d have been well advised to see a doctor almost immediately once everyone was safe (I haven’t read the book beyond this chapter, so I don’t know if she does or not) and should count herself lucky if she had no complications, but it’s not unrealistic.

      September 15, 2013
      |Reply
  59. Christine
    Christine

    “But as we approach, the driver’s door swings open, and a woman clad in all black with a black cap pulled low over her face climbs gracefully out of the car. Elizabeth from the office! What the hell.”

    This chapter is such a dive into Fantasyland’s Ass, I think that was what caused me to read: “Elizabeth from The Office!”
    And for maybe ten whole seconds, I was thinking: ‘Was there an Elizabeth in The Office? Who was she again? Maybe she was in the US-version, and not in the UK-version. Why is she in – O. Wait.’

    September 6, 2013
    |Reply
    • Lieju
      Lieju

      Well, this was originally a fanfic.

      Wouldn’t surprise me if random cameos started happening.

      ‘And then Robocop showed up and punched Hyde away but EdChristian came and said ‘No Robocop your not touching my woman!’ And Robocop saw how cool his tie was and how his pants hung THAT WAY and Robocop couldn’t wear pants anymore (A/N: Although maybe he wears metal pants?) and he got sad and exploded and then they saw it was only the metal that exploded and inside was a human who looked just like James Kirk (A/N: Not the old one, but the new hot one.)
      ‘Hi my name is Peter (A/N: see it’s not Kirk so it’s not stealing! Stop trolling!) said the man.

      “Who are you?” Said Ana, biting her lip because he was hot. Not as hot as Christian, said her inner Goddess while painting Mona Lisa (A/N: See? Ana is cultured)

      “I am Peter Fist. I was turned into a robot by an evil queen but your pure essence healed me. But I see you have a wedding ring so sorry your in love already.” he said sadly.

      “Yes she is my wife.” Said Christian.

      Him calling me wife made me hot since he loves me so much and my naughty bits turned funny.

      “So your the Chosen one who has to fight the EVIL.” said Peter mysteriously and flew away.

      I wondered what that was about but then Edward looked at me and I came and we had sex.
      But had I known what was in store for us I would have worried.

      September 7, 2013
      |Reply
      • Pam
        Pam

        MOAR

        September 7, 2013
        |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        That…was amazing. Seriously, bravo.

        September 7, 2013
        |Reply
      • Lieju
        Lieju

        A/N: Thanks for all the reviews except for the flames. I am just writing this for my own amusement, okay? So no critisism! And I know the tense changes through-out the story that’s called ARTISTIC INTEGRITY!

        “You think you have spoiled my plans!” Hyde looked at me angrily. He got up.

        “We thought you were defeated by the Robocop!” Mia said shockingly.

        Hyde grinned evilly and looked at me evilly. “I admit your wise beyond you’re years, Miss Steele, but you can’t defeat my plans! I will destroy New York with A BOMB!”

        I looked at Christian who looked at Hyde angrily for calling me ‘Miss Steele.’ Oh crap.

        “Shut up!”

        Hyde shut up, shocked at yelling Christian who looked angily at the villian.

        Then I remembered something. “Hey, what did you mean with ‘the bomb’.”

        Hyde looked at me impressedly. “Nothing gets past you, does it? Now I understand why she fears you so much- OUTCH!”

        He looked like he had a headache than his head exploded.

        “What the fuck was that?” Christian said handsomely.

        I was sad that he cursed. (Although it made me hot.) But cursing is wrong and I must help him get over it with my love.

        But before I could do that the police came.

        “What is the problem here?” Said the officer who looked like David Caruso. (A/N: Cookie for anyone who spots the reference!)

        The other police who was a black woman said. “This looks like a murder MOST FOUL!”
        I looked at her and immediately liked her because I have no problems with black people.
        And I had a lot of respect for her because she was well read (A/N she quoted Shakespeare in case you didn’t notice) despite her blackness.

        “The brain just explodeded!” Yelled Mia angrily.

        “We have no time for this!” yelled Christian as angrily but more sexily. “There is a BOMB!”

        Everyone was shocked.

        You know, I’ll continue this as long as people ask me to. This is not a threat, just a warning.

        September 8, 2013
        |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        …I didn’t think it could get better and then the second installment happened. Seriously, can this be a thing now because I adore it like you wouldn’t believe.

        September 9, 2013
        |Reply
    • Lieju
      Lieju

      (A/N: Sorry if this seems confusing at first, it will be clear later.)

      I sat down at the table with my bottle of bourbon (A/N: it’s the kind of alcohol that DOESN’T harm the babies, okay?)and took my morning copy of New Yorker to start my day with.

      Then Christian came in talking to his cellphone wearing a sexy shirt.
      “Yes, you should buy the stocks before the Shanghai Stock Exchange is liquidated. Bye I’ll go now.”

      He looked at me fatiguedly. “It’s hard work.”

      “Maybe you should sell all the bad stocks and buy just good ones?” I suggested bravely.

      He looked at me and for a moment I was scared but he smiled and said “I knew I married a smart woman.”
      (A/N See, he calls her a woman and not a girl so its feminist)

      “Have you eaten already?” he asked and I said yes but he wasn’t happy.

      “I decide what I eat!” I said and he was taken aback.
      He looked at me and his eyes looked like mountain lakes filled with sadness.

      I felt bad and wanted to drain those lakes with my waterpump of love. But then my cellphone rang.

      “Hi this is Kate!”
      I frowned but tried to sound smiling “Hi. What do you want?”

      “I was so worried, are you okay, Ana? I heard you were attacked and that you were involved in the bomb-threat yesterday and that you are pregnant-”
      “Yeah, whatever. Bye.” I said annoyedly. Kate is such an inquisitioner.

      But now I thought of the bomb threat yesterday (A/N: I decided to tell it as a flashback to add tension)

      We ran to the New York. Christian told the police to go away and they did because it would have been bad publicity otherwise.

      “But where is THE BOMB!?” I yelled. “New York is such a big island!” I looked at the statue of Liberty and saluted it because I was filled with nationalist pride.

      But we found the bomb eventually. But now we had a new problem!
      “What will we do with THE BOMB!” yelled Mia scaredly.

      I dissasmbled the bomb. “Ray tought me to do that.” I explained.

      “What a mysterious BOMB!” I said frustratedly.
      Christian frowned mysteriously. “That BOMB! Could it be!”

      END FLASHBACK

      “By the way, I’m hungry!” said Christian attractively. “But not for food!”
      I blushed venomously. He couldn’t mean!
      “Let’s do it on the table!” he said and I was even more embarassed but my Inner goddess was already changing to her bikini made of meat (A/N think of lady Gaga) while doing the cancan.

      Tables aren’t for sex, they are for eating! Said my subconscious dressed as a nun.

      But we did it anyway.
      My you know what felt like guess what and he took off his things and put his THAT in my thing-that-shall-not-be named and did the unmentionable on the whatsit.

      (A/N can you have sex when you are pregnant? I’m not sure but if you can’t its artistic liberty.)

      September 9, 2013
      |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        11/10 would fanwank to. omg need moar

        September 10, 2013
        |Reply
      • Josie
        Josie

        This is hilarious! I especially loved the description of the super hot sex scene. But where’s the bit about her having the bestest orgasm ever? Whoops, is that a criticism? Sorry 😉

        September 10, 2013
        |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        “Maybe you should sell all the bad stocks and buy just good ones?” I suggested bravely.

        Oh god.

        MOAR.

        September 12, 2013
        |Reply
      • Lieju
        Lieju

        (A/N: I didn’t describe her orgasm on purpose because it’s CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!)

        After we had sex i went to the shower and showered and then I went to my office which was a room that Christian had refurnished so I could work from home.

        “I better do some work!” I said to myself and opened the text-file of the manuscript I had to edit in Microsoft WORD. Then I pushed a button so all the mis-spelled words were underlined and then went through THE WHOLE DOCUMENT and chose better unmis-spelled words.

        Then I sent it back to the office but now I felt troubled.

        I went to the kitchen and saw Taylor was there doing his bodyguard work.
        “Where is Christian?” I asked and he said “He is in the third living-room.” and went back to fighting ninjas.

        I found Christian and saw he was playing the piano while singing opera. I recognised it was Wagner but wasn’t sure if it was Männerlist größer als Frauenlist or Der fliegende Holländer but he was singing perfectly.

        “Oh, hi.” he said imperviously. “I didn’t see you come in.”

        I didn’t know what to say so I said. “I’m sad.”
        “Don’t be sad that makes me feel sad” he said sadly and I felt quilty.

        Anyways I said: “I wasn’t planning to get pregnant yet. I am a moderm woman so I was planning to do something with my life before I get kids, like become a prime minister or write a best-seller or go to Australia.”

        And then we had sex on the piano while he was singing.

        He pushed me on the piano so my butt was touching the keys and by head was on the pedals and then he went in me so much that my elbows were pushed backwards.
        “Come on” he said and I did.

        And then my cellphone rang.
        “Hi.” I said tiredly. (A/N because of the sex)

        “Hi this is Leona.” Leona said blondily. She is a woman from the office. I’m not sure what she does there but I had seen her sneak around the office.

        “What do you want?” I asked.

        “I wanted to talk about your corrections.” She whined.

        Oh Crap. “Why?”
        “I returned them to the chief publishers and they said your work was really impressive.” leona sneezed and I suspected she had a flu and her face was all bloated.

        “And they wanted you to write your own book because you’re work was so good.”

        I was startled. I bit my lip. Could I do that? Then I thought of little Blip and I knew I could because if I could make a living human being, I should be able to make a book. It was my destiny.

        “Yes I’ll write a book.” I said. But on one condition: I want to write a book about SCIENCE!”

        She was shcked. “But that will never sell!” She blurted out.

        I was adamant: “I want to take this chance to make a difference I owe this much to the world.”

        “Okay bye” She said.

        September 13, 2013
        |Reply
        • CV
          CV

          Lieju, I hope that you will read this, even though nearly two years have passed since your comment… but you just MADE MY NIGHT. I had a few shitty days and I hadn’t laughed in a while, and then each part of your story made me laugh out loud. Best 50 Shades of My Immortal I have ever read 😀

          July 10, 2015
          |Reply
        • beckongcat
          beckongcat

          I am so sorry I missed this. But I was getting dirty looks because I was trying to hide my laughter and snorted at the piano part. Genius. Thank you for this.

          July 24, 2015
          |Reply
  60. Amy
    Amy

    “Fucking Christ, I cannot believe women fall for this as romantic. I swear to fuck someone spilled a whole bunch of meth into the water reserves in the United States or something. That’s the only way this happened, or a radioactive cloud of weaponized stupid or something”

    RIGHT?? I absolutely CANNOT FIGURE OUT why people like these books and the overall story, I swear I feel like I am the brain-dead one who cannot fathom what the hell the draw is!!!

    September 15, 2013
    |Reply
  61. Melissa
    Melissa

    I just typed up and deleted a really long comment. Just…ugh…this book.

    I’m a teller and I just want to point out that tellers have check cashing limits. Mine is $3,000. My senior teller’s is, I think, $10,000. My teller supervisor’s is $100,000. My BANK MANAGER’S is $100,000. The CITY EXECUTIVE (as in, the guy in charge of all the branches in my area) is $250,000. If someone came into my bank wanting to cash a $5 million check…well, after I was through laughing in their face for thinking we have that kind of money in the vault, I would have to inform them that THERE IS NO ONE IN THE CITY WITH THE AUTHORITY TO ALLOW ME TO CASH THE CHECK. And the bitch doesn’t even have a valid fucking license on her. Just…how fucking dumb? Well, she brought a loaded, concealed weapon into a bank, so I guess that answers that question.

    And fuck E.L. James for acting like a teller is going to be a bitch to Ana because she’s in jeans but then gets all servile after finding out she’s Christian Grey’s current cum dumpster. No. I and all the tellers I know are nice as hell to people in jeans. It’s those assholes wanting us to withdraw a ridiculous amount of money without a valid fucking license that we get attitude with. Any teller would be nice to her until she came up with her bullshit “I need to withdraw a large amount of money” line. And I can say, with confidence, that Ana is one of those nasty pieces of work that shows up with no ID, wanting a fuckton of money, right then and there, and pitches a fucking fit at a teller when she hears the word “No” and screams “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!” And if I had some 80lb. 20-year-old psycho without a valid license demanding $5 million, I would not call her supposed husband, I would hit the silent alarm and then cackle when said woman was surrounded by a SWAT team. And then that bitch would be on the ground, in handcuffs (and not in the geez, double crap, so hot type of way) being disarmed while someone read her her rights. And then that phone call to her husband would be a lot different because it would be from Ana, from the jail, as her one phone call because she would be booked for attempted armed robbery. BECAUSE THAT’S REAL LIFE, E.L. JAMES.

    September 15, 2013
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  62. Hi, Jenny. I’ve been reading your recaps to this tremendously awful trilogy but haven’t commented until now. I read the first novel back when it was released due to all the hype (and my “friend” begging and pleading with me to read it because it’s SOO GOOD) and it took me twice as long as it normally does to read through a book because I found the writing to be atrocious, the “plot” to be lame, and the sex scenes to be boring. As a direct result of these recaps, I now realize that this book also blatantly depicts an abusive relationship totally accidentally, as the author is convinced that this shite is “romantic”, not disturbing. The closer I get to the end of these recaps, the more depressed I feel.

    I want to give a trigger warning because I’m about to highlight my own experience with emotional and mental abuse.

    Ana is me. Or at least her thoughts are–you know, other than being a judgmental bitch, pretentious, and absolutely fucking stupid. But while reading these recaps, I find myself empathizing (not sympathizing, because Ana is horrible). She has all the symptoms I exhibited. Justifying abusive actions due to an alleged horrible past? Check. My ex told me that his father beat the shit out of him, and whether if it was true or not, I used this as a justification for his actions. Thinking he’s changing when he’s clearly not? Check. I would tell myself time and time again throughout my year-long “relationship”/prison sentence that I was “curing” my ex with the power of love. Emotional and mental manipulation in order to further his agenda? Check. He would purposely say and do things to hurt me or further control me. For instance: I have a chronic neurological disorder and he routinely used this knowledge of my illness against me. One day, he would claim that he was completely accepting of my illness, and that he was the only one who was; not many of those OTHER men would put up with all the crap I deal with due to the disorder. Then, literally the next day, he’d blame me for something that is beyond my control. He’d say I wasn’t “normal” and he “was”, which is bullshit because he was ten times more fucked up than anyone I have ever known. He’d claim I’d “trapped” him into a relationship because “you made me love you but you have some condition and I hate it”. Then, later that very day, he’d say, “Everyone thinks you’re retarded (yes, that was the word he used) but I don’t!” And I would cling onto that insignificant and inaccurate “I don’t” while purposely ignoring the reality.

    Furthermore, he’d claim to love me one day, then the next say that we were “just friends”, break up with me without actually TELLING me that we were broken up, just assuming that I knew. Once, two days after he said he saw a future with me, he entered a relationship with someone else. And I looked past all this, because I, in spite of everything, loved him. I told myself that the moments where he wasn’t being awful were amazing, and I should ignore everything else, just like Ana. My friends saw it, they saw right through him from the start, but I adamantly refused to acknowledge how horrible a person he was. Even after we broke up for the final time, which occurred with him dumping me three days after he all but proposed, I remained on his leash for a year, pining for him, crying for him. For a boy…who treated me like shit more often than not. I felt worthless. Unworthy of love. I figured that if I couldn’t keep him, I couldn’t keep anyone because of my illness.

    It’s been over 2 years, and I’m over him. There’s someone else in the picture who treats me ten times better, but the sting of what he did to me remains. I quit everything I once enjoyed for him, including school and my job. I stopped writing, which I’ve been steadily doing since middle school. I was 23 when all this was happening, but he made me feel like a child. Which adds a whole different dimension for me with how childlike Ana acts in regards to Christian. I didn’t realize until I read these recaps how mentally abusive and just plain fucked up of a relationship I was in. Thank you for doing this, because while they are certainly hilarious, they are also an epiphany, I suspect for quite a few readers of your blog. The fact that this POS is the highest selling “romance” of all time makes me physically ill. I’m so relieved that I’m not the only one to see how fucked up this trilogy is, and how fucked up its popularity is. Sometimes, you can feel like the only one when “I need a Christian Grey now!!1111” posts keep popping up in your news feed. So thank you, Jenny, for both opening my eyes and returning my faith in humanity.

    September 18, 2013
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  63. The-Great-Dragon
    The-Great-Dragon

    QUESTION – I started rereading the recaps and I’m just curious, did Noah Logan ever become important at any point? You remember, the random guy in the elevator that had just moved into the building? What was the point of him?

    September 24, 2013
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  64. Donna F
    Donna F

    I have thoroughly enjoyed these recaps. I’m guessing you gave up after the chapter about the bank? I totally understand. I don’t know how you made it this far, but I’m experiencing withdrawal and hoping you’re planning to finish. Yes?

    September 24, 2013
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    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      Okay, I’m not big on wine, so I might be missing something, but – (The Grey Red Satin) “The tasting notes include black cherry, cocoa powder, caramel, vanilla, leather and clove spice.”

      …Leather? Nothing wets the appetite like dried cow skin, amiright?

      Also, “The White Silk wine…is meant to have floral aromatics of lychee, honey and pear, crisp grapefruit, mineral and butterscotch.”

      Mmmm. Mineral.

      Based off the way E.L. James makes books and (judging by Ana) tea, I’m not exactly trusting her with wine, even if she didn’t actually make it. Hell, she probably stole this from SMeyer too (even though Mormon’s aren’t supposed to drink, which kind of makes 50 Shades a bigger, alcohol-laced slap in the face.)

      September 26, 2013
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  65. Jen
    Jen

    Egads! I need more.These recaps are why I spent the last week not doing anything productive until I absolutely had to. D: Part of the appeal is that I am studying forensic psychology, so psychopaths fascinate me, but also your jokes and awesome geek references to lighten it up makes it all so bearable. =D

    September 27, 2013
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  66. Lieke
    Lieke

    These books are giving suspension of disbelief a whole other meaning. You can’t just turn your brain off. No, you don’t need common sense and basic knowledge and your libido and fancy morals and… Just, leave everything at the door.

    I like that Ana’s ‘plan’ includes changing. In my mind (where 50 shades is actually fun to read), this means she’s literally going to change into a normal person. At which point, she will realise that she has to call the police and let them handle the situation.

    Unfortunately, I can’t stay in my fantasy world forever, so I have to come back to the reality where Ana only has two hours to get the money or Mia gets killed, but she thinks it’s totally acceptable to waste time picking a new outfit to wear to the kidnapping rendezvous point. Then I laugh and laugh and laugh. And cry.

    October 13, 2013
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  67. Melissa
    Melissa

    I hate these books and am totally, 100% addicted to your recaps. I expect serious withdrawal when we reach the end. Boooooo!

    I’m reading “The Boss” and I love it. I’m not much of a romance reader because it usually seems very fake to me and I prefer blood and guts or at least suspense with my hearts and flowers, but your story is well done I love Sophie and the sex scenes are so hot my iPad is smoking. Bravo!

    October 24, 2013
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  68. Oh god this is so absurd I couldn’t stop reading. On the premiere of this “blockbuster” I will wait with my carbon fiber gun and shoot the audience in their knees.

    November 12, 2013
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  69. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Oh dear Lord, a Good Omens reference! LOL I think if Crowley were ever to meet Ana, he’d facepalm really hard, go ‘There’s one spawn of evil I’m not responsible for creating!’ and resign.

    December 1, 2013
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  70. Oh…oh my fucking god. This has to be the best, worst chapter of the whole trainwreck that is the 50 Shades saga! People honestly, truly love these books? I can’t even…. Maybe we really do all need to just go hang ourselves and end it. Truly, thanks for taking the bullet for all of us with these recaps. Now I never have to actually read this steaming pile because I might just end up slashing my own wrists.

    September 7, 2014
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  71. peasant007
    peasant007

    I know I’m way late to the party with this comment, but I’m rereading these recaps and I specifically wanted to clarify some banking things.

    I am disregarding the part about Ana’s bank being a Federal Reserve branch because it’s already been established that that part of the scene isn’t realistic.

    Anyway.

    I was a teller for a major bank. The branch of the bank that I worked for was a “mall branch.” Our location wasn’t directly inside of the mall, but we were on the same lot and half of the mall stores had accounts with our bank. Major, national stores (being vague because, you know, client privacy and stuff). So our branch saw more actual, physical cash money on a day-to-day basis than a “regular” branch would, especially during the Christmas season.

    As one could imagine, with Christmas deposits, there would be tons of cash. Almost every night drop (especially Monday morning ones because the bank was closed on Sundays) had over $10K in it, which, when the money was entered in by the teller processing the deposit, the computer would AUTOMATICALLY bring up the CTR screen (the Federal thing for anything involving cash, even one cent, over $10K). As a side note, this screen would automatically pop up when there was more than $10K LEAVING. Automatic. No papers, nothing. The computer wouldn’t even let you leave the screen until you entered in the information.

    Moving on.

    Tellers actually DO have a pretty good idea as to how much cash money is in the vault. The reason why is this: A teller cannot have more than $10K total in their drawers at any given time (and believe me, there were surprise audits once a month. We had to shut down our window while the auditor counted our cash). Their top drawer cannot have more than $2500 (including bait money-the money a teller is supposed to give to the person who might be robbing them; money that has its serial numbers written down in a file specifically so it can be tracked). Their bottom drawer cannot have more than $7500. When a teller gets close to hitting the $10K mark (which they can tell by looking at their automated balance) they sell to the vault (run by the vault teller). If they cannot sell at that moment, they must stick their overflow cash into their personal coin vaults and make sure their coin vault is locked (coin vault is not counted during surprise audits).

    So a regular teller binds up their money in the appropriate money wraps ($2000 in 20’s, $100 in 1’s etc.) they stamp each packet with their teller stamp, and then they “sell” their money to the vault, and the vault “buys” the money. That money is not used for the rest of the day just in case the teller is out of balance (and if it absolutely needs to be, then the vault teller, who by the way is still dealing with customers as well as the vault, runs that cash through the counter to make absolute sure that the $2000 in 20’s or whatever isn’t over or short). The vault can then just grab the packets of the money that belonged to the teller and run that through the counter. In an ideal situation, both the regular teller and the vault is in balance (as a side note, being out of balance on the vault is a total bitch because you have to count ALL the money that you got from all the tellers. It takes three times as long to count).

    So after all of that, an average teller can see how much money is currently in their drawer by computer, and they can see how much money they’ve dealt with during the day. Tellers talk. “Oh my god, I dealt with $75K today!” “I had $80K!” (Paper cash becomes very abstract when you’re a teller. It’s very strange). The vault teller will then give a total and everyone shakes their head and kind of laugh about how flippant they are about stacks of green paper.

    So here’s the thing. Much like a teller can only have so much money in their drawer at a time, the vault itself can only have so much (Vault money doesn’t count the teller drawers, just the physical cash in the vault itself). As a mall branch for a bank that dealt with major corporations, we had a higher limit. And that limit was $500K.

    One year, during the Christmas season (If I recall correctly it was the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend) the vault had over $525K that came in. We all paused, looked at the relatively small stacks of money (which was mostly 20’s) and realized that we were looking at over half a million dollars. The pile was nowhere near big enough to swim in like Scrooge McDuck, by the way. Anyway, we had to call for an emergency cash pickup because we HAD. TOO. MUCH. MONEY. We were out of compliance. If we would have been robbed, we would ALL have been fired.

    So what is my point? My point is that every single aspect of this banking scene is unrealistic (we already knew that, but still). No actual branch has that much cash on hand, they are not ALLOWED to, and if they DID, it would have been in smaller bills, mostly 20’s (Ana would have needed at least ten LARGE duffle bags to carry the amount of cash she needed). And then everyone would have been fired because why the hell would an average bank branch have that kind of cash? That would be asking for a bank robbery.

    And then, of course, there is the fact that, yes, you need to call in advance if you needed that much actual cash (heck, if someone wanted more than $10K in 100’s they had to call in advance), there are automated reports that the teller processing the transactions HAS to file, by law, and they can’t exit the screen until they do so (as I mentioned before), and, naturally, because the ENTIRE thing is suspicious, the teller is REQUIRED, by law, to not only contact the Fed, but, in this particular instance, call the cops as well.

    So there you go. This series makes me angry on so many levels (and I get mad at my friends who go on and on about how great this book is and how much they’ve LEARNED from it) but this entire banking thing is what made me post a TL:DR statement. *sigh*

    November 7, 2014
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  72. Katy Newton
    Katy Newton

    Even later to the party, but… “Your husband has agreed to liquidate five million dollars worth of his assets” doesn’t mean “Your husband has consented to you withdrawing $5m in cash”. It means “Your husband has identified assets that he owns (which could be anything from shares to other companies to residential or commercial properties) and is prepared to sell them in order to pay you $5m”. Which would take, well, time.

    February 8, 2015
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  73. Katy Newton
    Katy Newton

    I mean, that’s what “liquidate” means, it means “turn assets that are not cash into cash”.

    *head explodes*

    February 8, 2015
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  74. No, that gun does not have a safety.

    Also, I find it difficult to believe that a teller would be rude to one of their clients for wearing jeans. Yes, any person who walks into a bank potentially has an account with that bank, or perhaps wants to open one. And she was wearing DENIM PANTS. Not like she looked like a hobo who had been spanging for weeks on end without a break or a thought to personal hygiene.

    April 18, 2015
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  75. My 10 and 11 year old loved the Munchkin game. We saw it on Wil Wheton’s ” Table Top” Youtube channel. When I saw that there was an Adventure Time version I was super excited. My kids went crazy over this version. The show and the D&D style of the game fit together perfectly to make it a fresh experience. I would love to see some A.T. game tokens and dungeon board included or available for separate purchase. Even without those additions the game is wonderful and I recommend it to anyone who loves the show even if they have not played the original Munchkin game.

    *** Antispam disabled. Check access key in CleanTalk plugin options. ***

    June 28, 2015
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  76. Crumblycube
    Crumblycube

    Been reading your posts for awhile now but best reference ever = “When evil people drive normal cars, the cars turn into Crowley’s Bentley from Good Omens, and are identifiable on sight.”

    July 4, 2015
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  77. Yvonne
    Yvonne

    Also, everything that is his is hers, as we’ve heard him tell her so many times… so why is her name only on one account?

    ~ My guess is that the rest are business accounts. And if I were Christian, I certainly wouldn’t trust dipshit Ana with those. We all know she’s plenty stupid enough to fuck them up, one way or another.

    What is the point of arguing with someone who, by his own admission, is Fifty Shades?

    ~ Fifty shades of WHAT, Ana? Finish the fucking sentence! It does NOT matter that we know the title of the book and that we’ve gone over the whole “fifty shades of fucked up” numerous times before. Forget the “clever” significance of the title. In REAL life, you would never say what you just said. No. You would say “fifty shades of fucked up” or simply “fucked up.” “Fifty shades” alone does. Not. Work.

    Fucking Christ, I cannot believe women fall for this as romantic. I swear to fuck someone spilled a whole bunch of meth into the water reserves in the United States or something. That’s the only way this happened, or a radioactive cloud of weaponized stupid or something.

    ~ My bet is that E.L. Fudge made a deal with Satan. I’m not kidding. I am DEAD serious. I have never been surer of anyone being in league with Satan.

    “you have an account with us?” she fails to hide her sarcasm.

    ~ Bullshit! NO bank teller, or anyone on earth who wants to keep their job, is going to be sarcastic with a customer. And why the fuck would this woman have ANY reason to doubt you have an account with that bank? Do people regularly walk in off the streets and attempt to withdraw cash from non-existent accounts?

    Elizabeth yells at him to stop, and he does, to yell at Elizabeth, and then Ana pulls her gun and shoots him in the knee. IN THE KNEE.

    Hey, here’s a tip. If you’re ever in a situation where someone is beating you to death? CENTER MASS.

    ~ Yeah, and get charged with murder. This happens. For real. Doesn’t matter if you’ve gotten the shit beaten out of you. If the assailant does not have a weapon, then you cannot legally claim self defense when you kill him with a deadly weapon. All you’d need to do is simply point the gun at him and tell him to back the fuck off. There is absolutely no need to shoot someone who has no means to shoot you back, so the knee is more than sufficient. I’ve watched enough Court TV to know how the system works.

    August 16, 2015
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  78. Yvonne
    Yvonne

    P.S.: There’s a mother facing 20 years for shooting her ex-husband, whom she had RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST, for entering her home. She claimed she was protecting her kids. THAT’S how fucked up the system is.

    August 16, 2015
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  79. Cordia Mollica
    Cordia Mollica

    I totally agree with all the questions you raised. Has anyone ever wondered how to fill out forms online? I have, and found a simple service. Try PDFfiller to fill NCDP Universal Claim Form here or http://www.dol.wa.gov. It allows you to to fill out PDF files.

    September 30, 2015
    |Reply

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