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50 Shades Freed recap chapter 9, or “Fuck this. Just fuck all of it.”

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No links this week, let’s just get into this depressing train wreck, shall we?

If you’d been missing descriptions of how insufferably close these two idiots sleep, well, you’re in luck:

When I wake before the alarm the following morning, Christian is wrapped around me like ivy, his head on my chest, his arm around my waist, and his leg between mine.

So, if you had “ivy” in the “repetitive descriptions” pool, congratulations, you have to take a shot.

Oh, Fifty. He is so needy on some level.

Excuse me, on some level? Have you even met this person, Ana? This is the guy who, a few short months ago, wanted to control what you ate and wore.

Christian gets up for his shower, and they flirt, and it’s just as obnoxious as every other time they flirt. Of course they call each other Mr. and Mrs. Grey, and it’s just as clever this time as the forty-three-thousand, two-hundred and fifteen times they’ve done it before. Then they have to have sex instead of him going to the shower, because this is an erotic novel:

I squeal, and he crawls up my body, trailing little kisses on my knee, my thigh… my… oh… Christian!

Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior, guys.
There’s a section break, and we’re at breakfast:

“Good morning, Mrs. Grey,” Mrs. Jones greets me. I flush, embarrassed, remembering her tryst with Taylor the night before.

Tryst? Is that the word we’re going with here? It seems kind of strong for a kiss in a room with an open door, but whatever. Let’s roll.

I sit on the barstool beside my husband, who just looks radiant: freshly showered, his hair damp, wearing a crisp white shirt and that silver-gray tie. My favorite tie. I have fond memories of that tie.

So do I, Ana.

whoops, wrong tie.

Okay, so this isn’t the tie she was talking about. But she gives us another wonderful mental image in that excerpt. His damp hair is wearing a crisp white shirt and a tie.
Christian orders Ana to eat, she argues with him… is this book starting to give anyone else that uneasy feeling of staring into a mirror with a mirror directly behind you, so the reflection stretches into infinity, beckoning you into the cold world of the mirror ghosts, who will feed on your soul for all eternity?
No? Just me, then?

Christian tells Ana he has a business trip in New York later in the week, and he wants her to go with him. Hey, remember that time Ana had a business trip in New York, and Christian sabotaged it, because he was afraid she would cheat on him? Just reminding you about that.
Ana tells him she can’t get the time off, and he basically pats her on the head, because of course she’ll abandon her job to come with him. His job is the real job, after all. She’s just pretending to work. Ain’t that cute? She argues with him, pointing out that she can’t really run a company if she’s never there, and she just took a freaking three week vacation, so now is not the time to traipse off. He’s not patronizing or anything:

I stop, because Christian is grinning at me. “What?” I snap.

“Nothing. Just you,” he says.

This dude can eat a whole bag of extra salty unwashed dicks.

Ana asks Christian if he’s going to fly Charlie Tango to New York. Yes, Ana. He’s going to fly a fucking helicopter cross country. I know next to nothing about air traffic vehicles, and even I thought, “What are you, some kind of dumb ass?” when I read that question. Christian explains that the helicopter doesn’t have that kind of range, and besides, it won’t be fixed for another two weeks.

Hang on. The helicopter accident happened… at least three months ago, right? It’s hard to keep the crazy stupid timeline straight. At one point, I thought they’d said the helicopter was a loss. Even if they didn’t, that’s a long ass time to be working on repairing something. Why not just buy a new one, at that point? Did he lose his virginity in this helicopter or something? Is that why it has to be this specific one?

My smile is partly from relief, but also the knowledge that the demise of Charlie Tango has occupied a great deal of Christian’s thoughts and time over the last few weeks.

Except we’re only going to bring it up just now, near page two hundred. That’s how much it’s worried him.

Ana reminds him that the last time he flew his helicopter, they all thought he was dead. To reassure her, Christian says:

“Five people have been fired because of that, Ana. It won’t happen again.”

I love that E.L. James seems to think that a good business strategy for success is to fire everyone, all the time. Christian is always talking about people he’s going to fire, or how their jobs are on the line if this or that doesn’t happen. And in this case, it’s especially laughable because 1) the accident with Charlie Tango was due to sabotage and 2) as the pilot, it was his fault, for not doing a pre-flight check. He doesn’t do pre-flight checks, we’ve already seen that in the first book. Someone does those pre-flight checks before he arrives, then he hops in and flies. For all we know, the proper checks were done, but someone got in between that check and his arrival time. But sure, fire everyone for your mistake, because that’s how business works.

Oh shit, that really is how business works.

Whatever, I still hate this fucking guy.

Ana brings up the subject of the gun in his desk. Brace yourself for the bull shittery that results:

“It’s Leila’s,” he says finally.

“It’s fully loaded.”

“How do you know?” His frown deepens.

“I checked it yesterday.”

He scowls at me. “I don’t want you messing with guns. I hope you put the safety back on.”

I blink at him, momentarily stupefied. “Christian, there’s no safety on that revolver. Don’t you know anything about guns?”

His eyes widen. “Um… no.”

He probably knows about as much as E.L., but here, this is at least plausible. While there are some revolvers available commercially that have safety mechanisms, it’s a largely redundant feature on a firearm that has to be cocked or, in the case of a double action revolver, requires a significant amount of force to squeeze the trigger.

But look at this jackass. He has a gun. In his desk. Fully loaded. He doesn’t know how to use it. He didn’t even know if there was a safety or not. But Ana should not have been messing with guns, because her tiny, vulnerable female brain is clearly unable to comprehend the danger of them.

He has Leila’s gun. I am stunned by this news and briefly wonder what’s happened to her. Is she still in – where is it? East somewhere. New Hampshire? I can’t remember.

Um, that would be a pretty fucking important detail to me, if someone had broken into my house and tried to kill me. I wouldn’t obsess every second over them, but having an idea if they were still, you know, incarcerated or whatever, would be nice.

Then Taylor comes in, and Ana gets squirrelly about the fact Taylor saw her in stockings and a men’s shirt the night before. Because Taylor doesn’t have a Tumblr account. No, seriously about 98.4% of all pictures on Tumblr are women wearing black stockings and men’s dress shirts. It’s not a big deal.

“I am just going to brush my teeth,” I mutter. Christian always brushes his teeth before breakfast. I don’t understand why.

I don’t understand why that was the hook to end on before a section break, but who the fuck cares because at this point, 50 Shades the series is as unsalvageable as Charlie Tango should have been.

 “You should ask Taylor to teach you how to shoot,” I say as we travel down in the elevator.

“You should ask Taylor to teach you how to shoot you.” There, fixed it for you, E.L. No need to thank me.

“Ana, I despise guns. My mom has patched up too many victims of gun crime, and my dad is vehemently antigun. I grew up with their ethos. I support at least two gun control initiatives here in Washington.”

Without knowing anything about guns? SMART. You should definitely be involved in the lawmaking process regarding them. But more importantly, I’m glad your “vehemently antigun” parents instilled in you a sense of moral outrage over that and not, you know, ABUSING WOMEN.

“Oh. Does Taylor carry a gun?”

Christian’s mouth thins.

“Sometimes.”

“You don’t approve?” I ask, as Christian ushers me out of the elevator on the ground floor.

“No,” he says, tight-lipped. “Let’s just say that Taylor and I hold very different views with regard to gun control.” I’m with Taylor on this.

I love it. “Guns? Me? Oh, no, no, no. I’m very antigun. Unless it comes to my bodyguard. I act like it’s out of my hands that he carries, but let’s be honest, I fire people for shit they can’t control all the time. What I’m saying here is, ‘No one can be protected by guns… except me. Because I’m important.'”

In the last recap, I had someone leave a comment that they can’t follow my blog anymore because of my stance on guns. Which I find hilarious because a) I’ve made public my support for stricter gun laws (you know, that whole “well regulated” part of the 2nd Amendment), and b) I’m pretty moderate on the issue, which means that while I’m used to people getting pissed at me, I can never tell why they’re pissed at me on this one. For all I know, that person stopped reading the blog because I didn’t include an animated .gif of myself shooting two pistols into the sky, Yosemite Sam style. But no matter where you stand on the issue, I think we all have to agree that it’s fucking useless to hire a team of bodyguards to protect you from someone who is trying to kill you and then ask them to do it without using guns. On top of that, it’s hypocritical in the extreme to back anti-gun measures, but pay someone to protect you with guns.

I don’t know why I’m so shocked at Chedward’s open hypocrisy here. I think I occasionally black out and forget what book I’m recapping, because nothing important has been consistent in these books, anyway.

Ana asks him one more time to learn how to shoot, and he tells her:

“No. End of discussion, Anastasia.”

So… let me get this straight. Chedward isn’t going to learn anything about the fully loaded gun he has in his desk drawer?

LET’S TAKE THIS SCOTTY STYLE, ALL MY FELLOW OLDERSTERS!
 Keep a gun in your desk, Chedward! DOOOO IT.

Ana asks Christian where Leila is, because maybe she was the person driving the Dodge, and he tells Ana that Leila is with her parents in Connecticut:

“Yes, I checked. She’s enrolled in an art school in Hamden. She started this week.”

So, obviously, Ana’s first thought should be, “WTF WHY IS SHE AT AN ART SCHOOL SHE TRIED TO MURDER ME LIKE A FEW MONTHS AGO, DUDE.”

Nope. Not our Ana. Not our “bright” “intelligent” “brilliant” Ana:

“You’ve spoken to her,” I whisper, all the blood draining from my face.

No, Ana, the reason all the blood should be draining from your face is that the woman who was so mentally broken just a few months ago that she came to your apartment with a gun is now just flitting around free as a bird because your husband didn’t want to call the police on his ex-girlfriend.

Christian continues, “I’m keeping tabs on her, checking that she stays on her side of the continent. She’s better, Ana. Flynn has referred her to a shrink in New Haven, and all the reports are very positive. She’s always been interested in art, so…” He stops, his face still searching mine. And in that moment I suspect that he is paying for her art classes. Do I want to know? Should I ask him? I mean, it’s not as if he can’t afford it, but why does he feel the obligation?

Perhaps it’s because he knows, somewhere deep down, that his continual emotional abuse is what ultimately broke her? Because that’s why I think he should pay for anything she might need. But we all know it’s so she won’t tell anyone about the kinky BDSM sex games he’s so super ashamed of (but photographs for posterity).

But let’s examine this “better” claim. First of all, is it possible for someone to get over a total psychotic break in a few months? Second, who decided Leila was “better”? The colleague of Dr. Flynn? Dr. Flynn the guy who was treating Christian and who suggested that Ana had the power to cure him with her love? Oh, well, as long as it’s that guy, I guess everyone is fine and no one should expect to get shot by a crazy ex any time soon. And also, wouldn’t this entire situation be a lot easier if Leila were, I don’t know, in jail? Or at least in a facility that had some kind of security? Because isn’t that what usually happens when you break and enter with the intent to commit murder?

There I go again, expecting that this book isn’t set in some badly constructed fantasy world of author intrusion and blind ignorance.

Then there are six pages of emails in which Christian and Ana pointlessly flirt and rehash everything that has happened in the last few chapters. I will spare you the utterly boring, useless, and not at all plot-furthering correspondence that I’m 100% certain was put in just to pad out word count. Which is totally unnecessary, because the book is way too fucking long as it is.

Section break, and it’s Thursday:

I cannot help my despondent mood as Sawyer drives me to the office on Thursday. Christian’s threatened business trip to New York has happened, and though he’s been gone only a few hours, I miss him already.

Despondent: low spirits from loss of hope or courage. Ana has lost hope because Christian has been gone a few hours. That’s not how she’s supposed to feel. That’s how I am supposed to feel, because I’m reading about it.

So then there’s about a page’s worth of emails again, in which we learn that Ana is going out:

I intend to have a few cocktails with Kate – that should help me sleep.

Awesome, glad you found another way to use your friendship to your advantage, even if she’s not paying your rent anymore.

Put on your bullshit waders, guys, it’s about to get deep. Ana gets a call from Christian when his plane lands, and the first thing he wants to know is what she’s doing with Kate:

Oh no. “We’re just going out for a quiet drink.”

Christian says nothing.

“Sawyer and the new woman – Prescott – are coming to watch over us,” I offer, trying to placate him.

“I thought Kate was coming to the apartment.”

“She is after a quick drink.” Please let me go out!

He’s not even in the same state, and he has this control over her. Healthy marriage!

Christian remains resolutely silent, and I know he’s not happy. “I’ve seen her only a few times since you and I met. Please. She’s my best friend.”

Name something you shouldn’t be arguing about with your husband.

Survey says…

Remember those domestic violence and how-to-spot-an-abuser handouts I was using for the first book? Wasn’t there something in there about, oh, gosh, I don’t know… isolating a woman from her friends and family?  Keep in mind, Ana was LIVING WITH KATE and hasn’t seen her much since she and Christian met. This is a person who LIVED IN THE SAME APARTMENT WITH HER. That’s how much of Ana’s time Christian needs to control.

“Ana, I don’t want to keep you from your friends.

Bullfuckingshit yes you do, turdbag.

But I thought she was coming back to the apartment.”

“Okay,” I acquiesce. “We’ll stay in.”

“Only while this lunatic is out there. Please.”

Which lunatic, Chedward? You? Seriously, have you guys noticed how conveniently “lunatics” pop up in their lives, causing these dramatic and unavoidable threats that mean Ana absolutely must stay at home or under Christian’s surveillance all the time? First it was Leila, now it’s Jack Hyde and the mystery woman driving the Dodge. I’m going to guess that this will become a regular thing. “Honey, don’t forget, I have Kate’s bachelorette party to go to.” “Oh, um, you can’t, because, uh, um, huh… uh… Bic… Mcpen… lamp…erson, yeah, that’s right! Bic McPenlamperson! My old nemesis Bic McPenlamperson is out to destroy us. So you can’t go.”

“Good,” he breathes, his relief evident. I feel guilty for worrying him.

Christian tells her they’re still on the tarmac at JFK, and he called her because she told him to call the second they landed, which results in this exchange:

“Well, Mr. Grey, I’m glad one of us is punctilious.”

He laughs. “Mrs. Grey, your gift for hyperbole knows no bounds.[…]”

That wasn’t hyperbole, though. Punctilious means you do things to the letter, your behavior is exact and precise… which is what he was doing. She wasn’t exaggerating at all when she said he was being punctilious. Either E.L. doesn’t know what one of those words means, or she doesn’t know what both of those words mean. I’ll leave it up to your merciful consciences to decide which is more likely.

They do about half a page of “No, you hang up,” and then right when I’m about to go hang myself, they switch to the email.

After a section break, Kate shows up at Ana’s place of business. There is hugging and eye rolling, and Ana tells Kate:

“Christian wants us to go back to the apartment.”

If I were Kate, the next thing I would be saying is, “Christian can go fuck himself,” but Kate tries a gentler tactic and suggests they go out for just one little bitty drink.

We’re followed by Miss Belinda Prescott, who’s new to the security team – a tall African American with a no-nonsense attitude. I’ve yet to warm up to her maybe because she’s too cool and professional.

Keep in mind how Taylor, Sawyer, and the rest of them act all the time. Ana has warmed up to them just fine, but they are, after all, white men.

When Ana gives Sawyer the name of the bar they want to go to, this happens:

“Mr. Grey requested you go back to the apartment,” Prescott pipes up.

“Mr. Grey isn’t here,” I snap. “The Zig Zag, please.”

“Ma’am,” Sawyer replies witha sideways glance at Prescott, who wisely holds her tongue.

Yes, woman of color, wisely hold your tongue when a white lady is speaking. Everyone, just take a second to imagine how this scene would have gone down if it were Taylor, a white man, and not Prescott, a black woman. Think of how many times we’ve seen this go down already and it never happens like this. Ana has routinely ignored Christian’s wishes and told the security team to do so, as well, but she’s always done it with a little bit of worry that she’ll get them in trouble. And she’s never, to my memory, been so strident about it. But it’s okay in this case because Prescott a) is a woman and b) is a black woman. Which is probably also why she’s allowed to be on the security team; if she were a white woman, she would be a threat, as we’ve already seen time and again.

In the car, Kate and Ana discuss the extra security that’s been put on the whole Grey family, and Ana begins to realize that she doesn’t have all the information, because Christian hasn’t told her a lot of stuff. But they can’t discuss it in the car because, I shit you not, Ana is worried that it will get back to Christian that she knows things she’s not supposed to:

I glance up to see Sawyer eyeing me in the rearview mirror. The red light turns to green and he surges forward, focusing on the road ahead. I hold my finger up to my lips and Kate nods.

How are people reading this shit and finding it romantic? “Careful, best friend, better not say too much in front of my husband’s spies.” THAT IS NOT OKAY.

Ugh, I seriously have a rage headache.

After a section break, Ana and Kate are already into their second drink of the evening, and they’re talking about Gia Matteo, the architect. They call her a bitch, a social climber, rag on her for having a “fling” with Elliot (hey Kate? Takes more than one person to fling), and then they literally raise their glasses to the fact that Ana told Gia off.

A toast! To internalized misogyny!

Then there’s another break, and they’re on their third drink. Now they’re talking about how Carrick wanted Christian to get a prenup, and then there’s some foreshadowing about kids and pregnancy, and then Ana goes to the bathroom and Prescott follows her:

Prescott accompanies me. She says nothing. She doesn’t have to. Disapproval radiates off her like a lethal isotope.

Oh good, Prescott isn’t just a black woman, she’s an angry black woman, and her anger is making our white heroine uncomfortable.

“I haven’t been out on my own since I got married,” I mutter wordlessly at the closed stall door.

How the fuck did you mutter a full sentence wordlessly? As in, without words? You said the words, we can see them, they’re between the fucking quotation marks. And seriously, how did that sentence get into a final, printed book?

I make a face, knowing that she’s standing on the other side of the door, waiting while I pee.

You know what, Ana? This woman is probably going to lose her job because your husband is a fucking idiot and since he can’t fire you, he’ll probably fire everyone on the security team because they didn’t taser you, bind your wrists with zip ties, slap a bag over your head and stuff you in the trunk of the car for your own safety. She has a right to be mad at you and him both, because you’re both stupid and now she’s going to have to start sending out her CV again. Also, this is probably not her dream job, guarding you while you pee. So shut the fuck up.

Seriously, I’m so peeved about this, because it’s so blatant. When Ana is followed by the white male bodyguards, she’s annoyed, but she’s not openly hostile to them. She’s almost apologetic toward them, because she gets that they’re just doing their job. But a black female? Oh, good thing you’re here, because Ana is about to unload all of her frustration at her abusive husband onto you.

After another break, it’s 10:15, one drink has turned into four, and Kate is telling Ana that marriage obviously agrees with her because she seems so much more confident. Ana thinks:

Could I be any happier? In spite of all his baggage, his nature, his Fiftyness, I have met and married the man of my dreams.

First of all, your dreams are stupid and they suck dung-dipped donkey balls. Second, look at what you’re saying here. You’re saying that he’s the man of your dreams in spite of literally everything that makes up the sum total of his personality. It’s like saying, “I love Cadbury eggs, but it’s the chocolate and fondant I’m not into.” It makes no fucking sense, just like it makes no fucking sense to not love Cadbury eggs because they’re delicious and no, I will not make an exception for your diabetes, you better love those fuckers from afar, all unrequited and shit. But seriously, how does her rationale make any sense? In spite of the man he is, he is the man of my dreams. This is setting the bar pretty fucking low in terms of romantic hero standards. “As long as I can ignore who he really is, he is my Prince Charming.” Good job, Ana.

They leave the bar, and Ana can’t resist another dig at Prescott, because after all, she’s a woman and she’s there:

“I’m sure Miss Good-Two-Shoes Prescott has told Christian I’m not at home. He’ll be mad,” I mutter to Kate. And maybe he’ll think of some delicious way to punish me… hopefully.

I am not shirtless, my paleness just blends into my linen shirt. Also, I am having some kind of rage aneurism.

Okay, back in the car, Ana was afraid Sawyer was going to inform on her, but now that we have a woman to hate, it’s obviously going to be the woman who does it. Because women are gossipy bitches, am I right, ladies? The fact that it’s not Prescott’s fault that Christian is a controlling bag of severed penises and torn off scrote isn’t even a part of Ana’s thinking. Prescott is going to get her “in trouble,” and Christian deserves none of the blame because he might do something sexy in retribution. Which is stupid, anyway, because BDSM is supposed to be sexy fun times, not an excuse to beat up your wife because she made you angry. That’s not kink, it’s abuse.
After they drop Kate off at her apartment – and Ana talks herself out of being homesick for her old life by insisting she loves Christian more – Ana finds five calls, a text, and an email from Christian on her Blackberry. Beyonce, can you handle this?
Boy the way you blowin’ up my phone won’t make me leave no faster
put my coat on faster
leave my girls no faster
I should have left my phone at home ’cause this is a disaster
callin’ like a collector
sorry I cannot answer.

Thanks, Beybey.
Christian’s email says the following:

Sawyer tells me that you are drinking cocktails in a bar when you said you wouldn’t.

Do you have any idea how mad I am at the moment?

You’re probably as mad about it as I am happy that it was SAWYER and not PRESCOTT who tattled. FUCK YOU ANA.

My heart sinks. Oh shit! I really am in trouble. My subconscious glares at me, then shrugs, wearing her you-made-your-bed-you-lie-in-it face. What did I expect?

You expected to go out with your friend for drinks like an adult woman with personal autonomy?

Then they get to the apartment and shit is all smashed up and Jack Hyde is there, beaten unconscious by one of the body guards. But I don’t really give a shit and I’m guessing you don’t, either. End of chapter.

191 Comments

  1. Wow this abusive shit gets worse and worse. Just when I think it can't get topped …

    Also I think 98% of photos on Tumblr are of the dudes from “Supernatural”.

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
    • I completely agree with you on both points.

      September 6, 2014
      |Reply
    • K
      K

      I’m a SPN fan, and I have to say that’s 100% fact.

      August 2, 2015
      |Reply
    • kathgrr
      kathgrr

      and colin firth…

      October 24, 2015
      |Reply
  2. Rachel :)
    Rachel :)

    As bad as this chapter was, you had me rolling from your cranky face meme and the “corrected” editing you did!

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Hey, so lucky they weren't at home where jack Hyde was getting all smashy, right? I bet that'll be the moral of the story.

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  4. I keep trying to mutter shit wordlessly. It's not working

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  5. I cannot be the only person who would be sweating like a pig if I woke up that wrapped around someone. I also cannot be the only person who has to pee like a racehorse in the morning. Because that's sexy.

    Did you know that you can get gangrene in your dick? That's a thing. That's a thing Christian should get.

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  6. I hate Christian motherfucking Grey. I hate Ana motherfucking Grey. And I hate these motherfucking books.

    On the flipside, I love you for reading this shit and bringing us such awesome recaps.

    This chapter… Ugh. So much abuse in this, that I honestly wonder how anyone can read this and NOT see it.

    Oh and the “nothing.. Just you,” patronising bullshit? My ex did that to me almost daily and I was so manipulated that at first, I thought it was cute. Now, I see that it was, well, patronising bullshit and…. RAGE.

    I honestly don't see how they can make a film of this festering turd and not have Christian come across as the piece of filth he is. But of course, we know that when the film does come out, the lovers of this book will be swooning in their cinema seats, enjoying a movie about TRUE LOVE.

    someone please remove my brain. If this is what's popular and what's held up as romance, I no longer need it.

    Oh and I no longer need it for writing my books, seeing as apparently characters can now speak sentences “wordlessly.” WHAT THE HELL?! *weeps for literature*

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  7. Ing
    Ing

    Now I want a cadbrrry egg

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  8. Oh, I forgot – I don't like cadbury eggs. Well, I like the caramel ones, but the creme ones are gross.

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  9. Rachel :)
    Rachel :)

    Even though I know Christian will be upset with her because she went out no matter what, she actually avoided “disaster” by not listening to him. She could have stayed in and had her good time ruined by Hyde breaking in and getting the crap kicked out of him; or she could have done what she did (which was have a few harmless drinks and going home like any other person) and now only have to call the cops to file a report. Plus he'll be in jail for breaking and entering, sabotage and attempted murder. Plus Ana and Kate didn't have to have their good time ruined by all this Christian's nemesis BS. Done and done! And how do people keep breaking into these places?! Does he leave the keys under the mat? Are the windows open all the time? Do they work with ninjas or something? Seriously, it makes no sense!! And I know she's not going to call the cops. I don't know why I keep excepting these people to act responsible when nothing in these recaps has given me the inclination that they would.

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  10. “…a whole bag of extra salty unwashed dicks.”

    Dude, you're making me hungry. I need a snack.

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  11. Ing
    Ing

    that's a sign of a well crafted story there. Villain face faults and fails hilariously off screen with no effort needed from heroes. Remember how Se7en ended with Kevin Spacy choking to death on a rice crispy treat while planning to abduct Matt Daimon's wife?

    March 6, 2013
    |Reply
  12. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Is it just me or does nothing happen in these books over and over again. It's like Seinfeld -about nothing – only the characters aren't interesting and it isn't funny.

    They got up, did some stuff you do every day, got into the same damn fight, she went to a bar for drinks where nothing happened, then went home. More interesting shit happens to me when I am home sick.
    Now this Dr Jekel brake-in/fight sounds like it could have been interesting, but it probably isn't and now Chedward will have to fire everyone at the house, and the security that was following Gidget around because, well SOMEONE needs to be fired.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  13. Is there such a thing as hatefic? Because I have the strangest, strongest urge to play “unreliable narrator” and tell this story from Taylor's point of view, in which all off this is Ana's decent into madness. This book is actually really interesting if you see half of the events as Ana's delusions. Leila isn't “in an art school,” she's been tucked away in an asylum and Chedward is paying for it, not because he's a stand-up guy but because it was the only way to buy the family's silence in what he did to their daughter.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  14. Ing
    Ing

    my first though at “art school” was Christian totally had her killed and hurried in the woods

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
    • Maggie
      Maggie

      I thought Leila was at “art school” the same way my dog with an eye tumor was at a farm in upstate Vermont. I bet she had a lobotomy and some hardcore sedatives.

      May 16, 2015
      |Reply
  15. Neurite
    Neurite

    I know, right? And anyone actually thinking logically about a “there's a crazed stalker bent on personal revenge against me” situation would have realized that not being at the apartment was probably safer. Gee, it's almost as if this wasn't about Ana's safety, but about restricting and isolating her.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  16. Right? This guy has 24-7 hour security but can't put some extra security into the apartment door?

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  17. How much longer until Ana finds out she's pregnant? Because I can just see Christian being pissed about her going out drinking while pregnant even though she doesn't know she's pregnant.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  18. Serenity
    Serenity

    Please. So much please! Do this!

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  19. So now we can add racist to Anna/James' list of faults. It's unfortunate that he did try to look at that gun and have it go off in his face. You know, since he doesn't know how they work and all.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  20. Even if you couldn't recognize the abuse, you should at least be able to recognize that this guy is a fucking douchenozzle and NOT a romantic hero.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  21. on second thought, her characterization of Jose is racist. I guess that quality has always been there. I still vote for the gun going off in his face. Would serve him right on so many levels. He's got a guard who could handle the gun and dispose of it for him and Edward just decides to keep it anyway in fucking LOADED gun in his office in a drawer that is UNLOCKED while people are out to get him. It's not like he has any desire to learn how to actually use it to protect himself from lunatics #1-274.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  22. Neurite
    Neurite

    Oh lord the “my husband controls my social life and movements and I am terrified that someone will tell on me because I disobeyed his orders… but maybe he will punish me sexily, yum!” transition. 🙁

    This actually confirms a suspicion I've had. When 50 Shades fans say “all those critics are just prudes who are offended by BDSM”, and the critics reply that the BDSM in the books really isn't the problem and actually pretty mild, it's the abusive stuff elsewhere in the relationship that's the problem – I think what's causing the miscommunication here is that some 50 Shades fans somehow think of the abusive, controlling relationship stuff as just another aspect of the BDSM. Which, no. Just no.

    It's totally possible to incorporate BDSM roleplaying in your relationship via everyday “rules games”. Plenty kinksters enjoy punishment fantasies, and for some good punishment, the sub must have “messed up” somehow first. Whether you do this by setting up intentionally impossible-to-keep rules (so that even the most obedient sub will end up breaking them) or setting up totally feasible (if sometimes silly/unreasonable) rules that the “bratty” sub intentionally breaks*, this can be all sorts of fun. And if this had been better written, then this may have been what Ana got up to here. IF this had been explicitly discussed and agreed on by the two of them at some point previous, and clearly designated a consensual roleplay. But no, Chedward is given some “legitimate” reason for his rules and will clearly get actually angry at Ana, and Ana is genuinely worried about his anger (instead of just some fun trepidation of “oooh, I wonder how I'll get punished for this one?”). Yikes.

    (Plus, if this was a BDSM roleplaying thing between them, telling Kate that she'd been ordered to stay home would be a no-no. Keep innocent bystanders out of your sex life, thx.)

    *If you want a lovely sexy example of the latter, I recommend listening to Janet Jackson's “Discipline”. Mmmm.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  23. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    So, and maybe I'm crazy for even trying to apply logic to this book, doesn't that make it a good thing that ana and kate went out for drinks rather than stay in? Because then the might have been endangered by jack hyde? If she gets in trouble for it anyway I'm going to throw things.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  24. Ing
    Ing

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  25. I am not joking when I say my uncle offered to do that to any guy who broke my heart.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  26. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. Some dude is in the apartment my ass- all this crazy shit keeps happening to the characters for NO FUCKING REASON.

    WORST PLOT EVER.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  27. In the last recap, someone suggested a Taylor fic, so I'm doing that, with the intent of showing the relationship between Christian and Ana from the POV of a character many die-hards love. So far I've had a couple people PM me with their concerns that I've portrayed Christian accurately, but they don't like him, and don't understand why. I started a couple years before Ana even comes into the picture, when he was newly with Leila. If you want to check it out, it's here:

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9060451/1/Couple-Shades-of-Taylor

    Let's see how much this changes things for the die-hards.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  28. So, about “checking on Leila”: breach of professional secrecy on a regular basis is just totally fine in these books?
    Wow, that pisses me off.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  29. Mutter wordessly? How about this…

    One bright morning in the middle of the night
    Two dead boys began to fight.
    Back to back they faced each other,
    Dress their swords and shots each other.
    The deaf policeman heard the noise
    And came and killed the two dead boys.
    If you do not believe my lie is true,
    As the blindman – he saw it too.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
    • Cutecat213
      Cutecat213

      This is beautiful. Just– I love it to pieces. Thank you for sharing it! It’s so poignant.

      May 26, 2016
      |Reply
  30. Also the building that they live in is a real place in Seattle, and I quote:
    Full-Service Concierge with 24-hour video surveillance for controlled security
    Semi-private elevators for each residence

    How the fuck are all these random yahoos getting in the building?

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  31. Watch these videos on safe BDSM:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJMrCJPDpfM
    You can scroll through for more. Notice how much of an emphasis he places on safety, and even when he talks about how part of the point is to instill some pain, he enforces, repeatedly, not taking it past what a person can take, push the limits, but still pay attention and cause to irreversible harm, and pay attention even when they're not speaking because it can put a sub on another level where they may be unable to think of the in safe word, but you my still need to back off.

    Compare that to Christian.

    That real BDSMer's first video on 50 Shades is just a rant, and his second is more thought out, though still that it sucks. As someone whose been into BDSM for more than two decades, I think he knows what he's talking about.

    I watched a few last night, and they're very good.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  32. I'm writing a fic from Taylor's POV and will keep it canon, and on this topic, I'm still unsure. I can't figure out how the hell to keep Taylor as the one character most of us like and still have this happen, though I have a few ideas. Actually one. All I can think of is Christian ordering Taylor to let things happen to keep Ana terrified of the world. Prior to her, he had one security person, and now he has a team. I call conspiracy.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  33. Nikkence
    Nikkence

    Bic McPenlamperson! Thank you so much for that delightful made up name which nearly caused tea to end up all over my laptop.

    I was fortunate to have finished said tea before the Cadbury Creme Egg rant, which still has me giggling as I type this.

    Perhaps if you do make that Yosemite Sam .gif, it will convert people to your pro-gun views.

    Do people make pilgrimage to your idyllic rural retreat and lay tributes to your awesomeness all about your home? I bet they do. If they don't, they should. In fact, were it not for looking like Creepy McStalkerson, I'd totally join them.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  34. I'm already working on it:

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9060451/1/Couple-Shades-of-Taylor

    Started a couple years before Ana came into the pic, and am keeping as much to canon as possible because I think simply getting another point of view that isn't Ana's will be enlightening. Taylors' not getting the orgasmic bliss, yet he's loyal to a boss who is constantly on the verge of firing everyone and won't quit himself (I've given a reason for this), he doesn't like Christian's treatment of Leila, and won't like what he sees happen with Ana. I'll follow the books pretty closely when Ana comes into the picture.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  35. …yeah, spitefic seems pretty accurate.

    If I do this, would any of you be interested in my posting a link in the next update?

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  36. Katie
    Katie

    So Chedward hates guns, but he's been holding onto one for, what, several months? Why doesn't he have it destroyed? And why the hell isn't it under lock and key if he is going to keep it? Does he at least do something with the gun when he finds out Ana is pregnant? Please tell me they do not attempt to raise a child in a house with an easily-accessible loaded firearm. I can't stand the idea that this book, in addition to supporting all kinds of other horrific ideas, also supports ideas about gun safety that put the lives of children in such direct lethal danger.

    ….I had something else to say, but then the realization of gun + child made me forget about everything else. Uh….oh, right–isn't it illegal for him to have that gun, since someone else owns it? I get that Leila would not have legal ownership of the gun anymore after trying to kill someone with it, but A)there's no legal record of that crime because this books is filled with idiots, and B) items taken away from criminals don't just go to whoever calles “dibs” first. Legally that gun is stolen. Chedward is in possession of a stolen firearm.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  37. Katie
    Katie

    *”this books is” should be either “this book is” or “these books are”. Sorry, my rage must be affecting my grammar.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  38. Gwen
    Gwen

    Jen, you've clearly got penis and balls on your mind. ALso, I guess EL forgot about the white guilt part of Ana's character, which was so obvious in the beginning of the books, because now she has Ana being all racist and rude to Prescott.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  39. I really can't believe people excuse the abusive overtones in these books when they're so overt. But maybe the prior commenter above had a point: they think it's apart of the BDSM when it's obvious it isn't, Christian literally says he is pissed at her and within no sexual context. It just boggles my mind that people defend this crap, period.

    Ugh, and I am so over the racial/ethnic stereotyping in these books! Did you forget you were half-Chilean, Miss James? And it's a double whammy this time, an ethnic woman! Ana won't be able to help herself!

    And I'm the one who had her book rejected last week? >.<

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  40. Marteani, I'd like to invite you (and any other writers willing to take on Chedward's douche-baggery) to http://spinthatnovel.blogspot.com … I'm collecting liks to spitefics, anit-fanfics, non-fanfics, all relating to FSoG to add for a depository of fresh air free of stagnant, romanticized abuse.

    I've got a story from a reformed Ana's POV, escaping Christian's madness and saving the world from glittery zompire bombs.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  41. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I'm just going to say it because this particular recap is the one that's cemented it for me.

    I hate Ana. I hate her more than I hate Christian. Yes, I know, he's an abusive asshole. I don't care. I hate her more. And you know why? Because of shit like this:

    “I cannot help my despondent mood as Sawyer drives me to the office on Thursday. Christian's threatened business trip to New York has happened, and though he's been gone only a few hours, I miss him already.”

    My husband left on 1/31 (my birthday, for Christ's sake!) on a month long business trip. He was supposed to come home this Saturday, 3/9, but I just had a message from him today (there is a 13 hr time difference between my current location and his so actually talking is infrequent) that he and his team will probably have to stay longer. Possibly as long as 4/1.

    You know what I was doing a few hours after he left for the airport? Eating key lime pie (which he hates), in my favorite ratty sweats, with the thermostat set to 65 (which he would claim was causing hypothermia if he were here) and feeling really damn excited to have a little time to myself.

    Was I sad he was going to be gone a month? Yes. Was I despondent and moping around like a lost cocker spaniel? Fuck, no. I have better things to do. And now, when he might be away for another month? Pissed at his boss, certainly. And yes, I miss him like all hell and can't wait for him to get home. But until he does? I'm going to happily do all the things I love because I'm a well rounded human being who has purpose besides mooning over some asshole. And you know what, my husband actually appreciates that I'm independent and can take care of myself. Imagine that!

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  42. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    This is setting the bar pretty fucking low in terms of romantic hero standards. “As long as I can ignore who he really is, he is my Prince Charming.”

    But that's the point, isn't it? Neither Christian nor Ana are really in love with each other – they're in love with their own separate fantasies that they've projected onto each other. They're both so self-absorbed, they're not even capable of seeing each other as they really are.

    And you know what the tragedy of that is? In the hands of a decent author, that could have been so interesting. Instead we got this… dreck.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  43. Katie
    Katie

    A friend of mine is a paleontologist, which means he regularly has to do field work for weeks at a time, and often with short notice. He's gone often enough that the main reason he got a dog was so that he would know his wife was protected while he was away (just to be clear, this isn't the Chedward “women are weak and need men to defend them” line of thought–this friend also takes pride in how deadly his wife is with a dagger). And this work doesn't just keep him away from home, it's DANGEROUS. He has been on field jobs where people died, and has nearly died himself several times. And yet his wife does not become all mopey and “despondent” when he leaves.

    When Chedward starts getting forced to leave town for work for a regular basis, for extended periods, to do a job where he has to deliberately focus on not getting anyone killed, THEN I will have sympathy for Ana's despondency.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  44. Alys, that idea for the Taylor fic sounds more plausible than anything in these actual books. I'm off to read your fic now.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  45. Elinor
    Elinor

    “…a whole bag of extra salty unwashed dicks.”

    I laughed so hard when I read that.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  46. Ok two things:
    1) I love how in retrospect it was a good thing that Ana acted like an independent woman and went out with Kate because otherwise they both might've been hurt by Hyde. I think Christian even acknowledges this (that or Ana their drivel tends to bleed together in my mind), but is still mad enough to want to beat her! Instead of being all “wow, I really fucked up. if she had listened to my controlling commands she could have been killed!” but noooo he's all “bitch, you should've done what i said and gotten yourself shot or stabbed! i'm a beat the shit out of you for successfully avoiding getting injured which i would also blame you for.” fuck this fucking fucker.
    2) I wrote an english paper about the abuse in this trilogy and had to paraphrase and skip alot of the abuse because there was too much for what still ended up being a six page paper. yeah this trilogy is so not romantic at all.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  47. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    You made me laugh incredibly loud with your Cadbury Egg rant, tie picture, and family feud reference!

    But I will honestly say that this recap gave me a headache because the abuse in here is ridiculous. How can you think this is romantic? I read A LOT of romances and there was another author whose heroine was like Ana and I put the book down. I couldn't read it. I was disgusted every time her “dream man” did something clearly abusive to her. I just don't get it.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  48. Alys, I started reading your Taylor fic because, well, TAYLOR! But I just had to point out – not that you asked 🙂 – there actually is an Army base near Seattle. The Air Force base is connected to an Army base (Joint Base Lewis-McChord). Just throwing it out there (I live here and my bf worked at that base).

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  49. Em
    Em

    I had a friend who once confided in me that she and her husband were into kink. He'd give her orders, she'd obey, so on and so forth towards kinky nirvana. She did mention that if disobeyed she could get punished, but it was pretty obvious the idea excited rather than scared her because, like you said, the 'punishment' was completely consensual and she was 'disobeying' as part of the sex game.

    Being married and in a BDSM relationship didn't stop her going out to a bar with the rest of us or working a nine-to-five or leaving the house if she felt like it. Sometimes her husband would call when we'd be out, she'd answer, they'd be all giggly and mushy and she'd hang up. BAM! Normal relationships can be kinky as long as they're built on trust and consent. What EL James has done is used BDSM as an excuse to have her romantic hero abuse her heroine. And that's just shit.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  50. D'oh! I looked online and couldn't find one, nor could a friend whose husband is in the Army on the other side of the continent find it. I'll edit and change that late tonight. Thanks!

    I'm down in Vancouver. The haters I know in this town feel kind of icky, like our stomping grounds are tainted. I'm heading up to Seattle in July for a writers' conference (want to meet up and get a drink or something and stew in our mutual feelings about this abuse-as-romance trend?), and expect to feel the same there, though I'd rather think about Frasier because I love that show.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  51. Lord yes. I've got friends with military husbands who go to WAR, including one whose husband was in one of the most heavily-bombed Stryker units to date, and did they get despondent? No. Sad, yes, but they realized they had to carry on with life while not knowing if they'd ever see their husbands again. In some cases, husbands missed their children being born. (The one soldier-wife I know is still technically enlisted as active duty, but her religion mandates she get pregnant as often as possible, some form of fundamental Catholicism where all forms of birth control is shunned, which is opposite the 95% who've taken it.)

    Ana can't function for a few days? Talk about massive co-dependency. No wonder she needs an abuser like I need oxygen. She can't function without someone to take care of her.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  52. I can't even believe how much I hate Ana and Christian. I. Hate. Them.

    Scotty joke though, that was lol.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  53. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    “Christian always brushes his teeth before breakfast. I don't understand why.”

    Uh, it's not just Christian. I brush my teeth before breakfast too. It's part of my morning routine. Put on contacts, brush teeth, pee, etc. Crap. I have something in common with This Fucking Guy?

    FYI – I stumbled upon a Fifty Shades of Taylor fanfic a few months ago thanks to some links in the comments here. It begins when Taylor starts working for This Fucking Guy. For the first few chapters, it's mostly about the way Taylor views TFG (and lots of stuff about his relationship with Gail). At the end of chapter 8, Taylor sees Ana and Christian meet and in chapter 9, you get to see how Taylor views Christian bringing a drunk Ana back to his hotel room (hint: not favorably).
    http://fifty-shades-of-grey.me/fifty-shades-of-taylor/chapter-1/

    I hated Twilight and 50 Shades, but this fanfic was much more interesting and well written. At the very least, there was no wordless muttering.

    I hate Chedward and Ana so much that they almost fucking deserve each other.

    The gun thing really made me mad. Fine, take Leila's gun away since you don't want the crazy girl running around with a loaded gun. But did you ever think maybe there was a better way to store it than just tossing it in your unlocked desk drawer? Maybe give it to Taylor and have him at least take the bullets out? And then lock it in a safe? The utter hypocrisy that Chedward is so fervently antigun (while being so completely ignorant of guns) but being okay with his security team protecting him with said guns makes my head want to explode. Guns are bad, mmmkay? Unless someone is protecting my precious snowflake ass, that is.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
    • Yvonne
      Yvonne

      I don’t understand why anyone would brush their teeth BEFORE breakfast. It makes absolutely no sense. First of all, the lingering taste of the toothpaste will make your breakfast taste terrible. ESPECIALLY orange juice. Secondly, you just made brushing your teeth completely pointless because you immediately used those same teeth to chew a bunch of food, getting them dirty again instantly. That’s like taking a shower right before going for a jog and getting all sweaty, THEN going out in public to work and run errands. Your breath will reek if you eat AFTER brushing.

      August 1, 2015
      |Reply
    • Yvonne
      Yvonne

      Also, you just brushed your teeth before bed the previous night. Nothing has dirtied your teeth during sleep.

      August 1, 2015
      |Reply
  54. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    The Scotty picture was perfect. I really hope Chedward decides to twirl his gun like Wyatt Earp and shoots himself in front of David Silver.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  55. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Fucking hell. This book. WHY IS THIS A THING WHY DO WOMEN READ THIS.
    Ana, you're 21/22. You're going out for a drink with a friend. If your husband doesn't allow that, YOU HAVE THE WRONG HUSBAND.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  56. “For all I know, that person stopped reading the blog because I didn't include an animated .gif of myself shooting two pistols into the sky, Yosemite Sam style.”

    That's why *I* was going to stop reading your blog, but then I was won over once again by your rage-filled charm. ^_^

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  57. Oh, um, you can't, because, uh, um, huh… uh… Bic… Mcpen… lamp…erson, yeah, that's right! Bic McPenlamperson! My old nemesis Bic McPenlamperson is out to destroy us. So you can't go.”

    Bic McPenlamperson FTW!

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  58. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Also, people, you should FLATTR THIS SHIT! seriously.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  59. Wait. Chapter 9 and Hyde is captured? He's The Big Bad of the book (right?) and he gets unspectacularly caught in Chapter motherfucking 9?! …the plot's gonna take another dive into Stupid in the next chapter, isn't it? Hyde's gonna somehow escape the awesome bodyguard team of the CEO of the Universe, or simply get put away somewhere only to come back, or, or – goddamnit, this is AWFUL. This is not how things are done! If it turns out that Elena a.k.a. Mrs. Robinson is not only the woman behind the wheel but also the one who let Leila into Grey's apartment (as his bff, she probably has the entry codes to his apartment), I won't be surprised. Because OF COURSE.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  60. “'Ma'am,' Sawyer replies with a sideways glance at Prescott, who wisely holds her tongue.”

    Not trying to defend E.L., since she hasn't exactly been Lady Sensitive when it comes to non-white characters. But when I read that bit, I imagined Sawyer looking at Prescott as if to say, “See? I wasn't kidding. This is how fucked up their marriage is.” In which case, it is indeed wise for Prescott to hold her tongue, since Ana would inevitably whine to Christian about it (after much prodding on his part after he sees her looking despondent or whatever) and he'd have Prescott exiled from Seattle.

    Anyone want to write a fic in which everyone who has ever worked for Ana and Christian forms a support group? Taylor, Mrs. Jones, Sawyer, Prescott, the flight crew, Philippe and Gaston, Hannah, Ros, Andrea, Gia, just off the top of my head.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  61. “First of all, is it possible for someone to get over a total psychotic break in a few months?”

    Yes, with the right treatment and the right meds someone could be well into recovery after a few months. Plus they could be enrolled in art school whilst still getting outpatient treatment. Even with circumstances like Leila's, being locked up is not the best treatment plan. Being with people who love and support you is usually the best place a person can be when recovering from a psychotic incident. Unfortunately that isn't always possible.

    But the rest of the recap was awesome, as well as rage inducing. I would completely understand if you wanted to stop reading this awful book, I certainly don't want you to burst an aneurism because of it.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  62. Teresa
    Teresa

    “For all I know, that person stopped reading the blog because I didn't include an animated .gif of myself shooting two pistols into the sky, Yosemite Sam style.”

    I'm now picturing this picture of you Jen. It really made reading the rest of the recap much more fun 🙂

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  63. See, I was seriously asking, so I appreciate the reply. However, we can now go forward confident that Leila is never going to get better, because you specified “the right treatment and the right meds,” and this is a colleague of Dr. Flynn, so this guy was probably like, “Oh, you know what you should do? Get a boyfriend to love away the hurt.”

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  64. I brush mine then too or I forget because I'm bad at that kind of thing.

    Think about the fact that we know this and we also know they have sex first thing in the morning.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  65. YES! That is all I can think of. In fact, when I was writing chapter eleven or twelve of The Boss I included a scene where Sophie just cannot fathom the thought of kissing someone without brushing first.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  66. Seriously, I could taste my own breath this morning when I woke up, let alone somebody else's morning breath. *shudder*

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  67. “But she gives us another wonderful mental image in that excerpt. His damp hair is wearing a crisp white shirt and a tie.”

    You know someone is going to make a picture of this now, right?

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  68. I had a mental image of the hired help armed with pitchforks and torches, storming the apartment and singing, “Kill the Beast!”

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  69. I'm guessing she has to get Jack Hyde out of the way, so they can move on to THE PREGNANCY. Because if these recaps have taught me anything, it's that E.L. James is incapable of juggling more than one plotline at a time.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  70. I'm really hoping the tie with the eyes and hair get added to the shop, preferably printed on a t-shirt. I'd wear the shit out of that.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  71. Boss chapters tomorrow….Shades of Taylor tonight! <3

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  72. I will occasionally wake up with my SO wrapped around me like Ivy (and to top it off the cat is usually staring me in the face/trying to share my pillow) and it is hot, sweaty, and completely unpleasant.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  73. That's because only upper middle class poor white people have white guilt. Filthy rich people are suppose to be racist and rude to those working under them. If they are women that is.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  74. I would much rather punish my SO for cleaning my house and maintaining healthy life habits. Positive reinforcement and all that.

    My house is clean? Your ass is getting a sexy consensual thrashing.

    You went out with your friends? To a club? And you let me know? Oooh baby, you getting tied up and gagged when you get home.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  75. *sobbing softly* I can't find the cadbury peanut butter ones anymore. It's positively tragic.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  76. I was actually wondering, what exactly is the plot in this book? What is the main story line? I get the little side story lines, but I'm lost on what the actual purpose of the novel is.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  77. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    “She did mention that if disobeyed she could get punished, but it was pretty obvious the idea excited rather than scared her because, like you said, the 'punishment' was completely consensual and she was 'disobeying' as part of the sex game. “

    Exactly, exactly. And I have to say, if I did something to piss off my SO (just in life, people annoy eachother and fight, ect) any kind of kink or anything is OFF THE TABLE until things between us are good. He wouldn't (wouldn't want to anyway!) “punish” me for something he was actually annoyed about. That's a line, for sure.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  78. The picture of the tie with hair and eyes will never get old. Never.

    I blink at him, momentarily stupefied. “Christian, there's no safety on that revolver. Don't you know anything about guns?”

    His eyes widen. “Um… no.”

    Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. My dad was an Air Force cop when I was a kid, so I learned about gun safety early on. First of all, you are never supposed to leave a loaded gun jut lying around like that. Secondly, it's important to know everything you can about taking care of said gun and I just realized that I'm preaching to the choir. Though this does remind me that I'm going shooting next weekend. I look forward to pretending that the target looks like Christian Grey. Or his coiffed tie.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  79. Aw man, the not brushed teeth thing is why I can't truly enjoy romances that take place more than 100 years ago. All I can think of is how filthy everything about them must be.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  80. I've never even touched a gun before in my life, and even I know you don't just leave one lying around.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  81. White guilt only counts toward brown people, not black people.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  82. Did you ever read that old science fiction story “Stanley Toothbrush”? Basically a guy gets conjured into existence by someone saying his name over and over.

    I'm just saying, if Jen wakes up tomorrow with Bic McPenlamperson in her bed, we'll know why.

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  83. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    As a person who has been in therapy from a young age (i was isolating, not mingling, and acting up) I can say that my therapist (we ended our relationship during my last year of college) who became a dear friend who instantly recognize dr. Flynn as the quack he really is!
    A caring therapist, a true professional, would do everything possible to help Ana get away from the bastard that is Mr. Gray.
    I should know, I had a bad time my junior year in college, and thought of harming myself and another person. Unlike Leila, who Christian says is “better” because Mr. Quack is checking up on her and relays this info. to Christian, my doctor immediately thought of sending to a safe place (a hospital) my family talked him out of it, saying i should come home with them. I stayed with my family and unlike Leila, who seems to have NO FRIENDS OR FAMILY but you know who began to feel a little better and went back to school.
    E.L. James is either a selfish uncaring bitch or has no idea whatsoever how therapists (in real life I doubt this Flynn doofus would keep his job for long) at least the caring ones, do their jobs,

    Jen, you have it spot on that Ana likes to be humiliated, put down, raped, and otherwise treating like pond scum by Christian.

    Here's the proof: while Ana and moaning and whining about how Christian is soooo pissed she's out drinking with Kate, at one point, she says “he'll probably find a delicious way to punish me..hopefully.”

    No sane woman would act like this, unless her hubby was A. another control freak, or B. Mahmoud Ahmedinejad

    Sorry E.L. most of the time in REAL LIFE in REEL TIME this doesn't happen. Unless, you also have a controlling, bullying, rapey hubby whom you hope will find time to “deliciously” punish you, whenever you do something he deems WRONG!

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  84. E
    E

    I was on tumblr and I saw someone post this:

    “When my kids get to 'that age' I'm just going to hand them 50 shades of Grey and say 'here's all you need to know.'”

    I just can't even…

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  85. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Plot? Wait, where?

    March 7, 2013
    |Reply
  86. Alys, I am also reading your fic, I'm really enjoying it! Today when I saw “Mrs. Jones” in the recap I was all like “Liz! Yay!” So, thank you for writing!

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  87. brookemopolitan
    brookemopolitan

    a picture is worth 1000 words… and agreed 😀

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  88. brookemopolitan
    brookemopolitan

    because loving away the hurt clearly worked so well for Christian. This shrink… this fucking shrink *runs away from the rage*

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  89. brookemopolitan
    brookemopolitan

    That continued, right? “here's all you need to know… ABOUT WHAT NOT TO ACCEPT IN A RELATIONSHIP.”

    right?

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  90. Sherry
    Sherry

    This had me dying: “First of all, your dreams are stupid and they suck dung-dipped donkey balls.”

    It's been a dreadful, stressball-filled couple of weeks, so you have no idea how much these recaps (suffer though you must) help. Many blessings to you.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  91. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    What age? 12, 15, 21, 30, 65.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  92. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Oh come on the reason she doesn't like Prescott is not that she's black, it's because she's a radioactive isotope, since some isotopes aren't radioactive and Ana says she a lethal one I assume she's a radioactive isotope, plus she's black and a woman, but I don't think that's the problem here, it's the isotope thing. Right? cause I wouldn't like an isotope around me either I mean who likes that sort of thing.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  93. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Oh and I'm sick of the gun references with E.L.
    Is this her indictment of American and our guns?
    Really get off it E.L. Come to my house and I'll show you my guns, I'll show you how they all work and how well all of them have shot through all of your books, ha. No really I haven't bought any of her books I don't need to thanks to you Jen! Love ya I couldn't imagine finding them entertaining without you deconstructing them in such a deliciously delightful way.
    Love the photo of you at quick glance I did think you were naked.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  94. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    “When I wake before the alarm the following morning, Christian is wrapped around me like ivy, his head on my chest, his arm around my waist, and his leg between mine.”

    I'm trying to picture this and all I can see is a deformed contortionist wrapped around a stick. Srsly, can a normally proportioned human body achieve the Ivy Position without breaking at least a few ribs?

    I loved Cadbury Creme Eggs until I gorged on them one day and barfed for hours. Now I can't even look at them.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  95. How are people reading this shit and finding it romantic? “Careful, best friend, better not say too much in front of my husband's spies.” THAT IS NOT OKAY.

    This is why I consider this series part of the horror genre, rather than the romance genre. Too much horrifying shit all up in these books.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  96. brookemopolitan
    brookemopolitan

    the correct age is never… because to give a child 50 Shades as a manual for a healthy sexual relationship is child abuse

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  97. E
    E

    I was hoping during the scene (I don't know which book,they're all the same to me) in Flynn's office that when christian left the room Flynn would jusgrab her by the shoulders and say “run.”

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  98. Dung dipped donkey balls is definitely making its way into my vocabulary.

    Also, I now want Ana to write Chedward an email along the lines of “Guess who showed up AT THE APARTMENT while I was out. SUCK IT, asshole.” But she won't.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  99. Will he be wrapped around her like ivy?

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  100. Needs more anti sex themes and “bad shit happens to those don't conform to the norm” messages to be horror.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  101. Yeah, given the guy has Taylor, his security guy who does know how to handle and secure firearms, it would make a hell of a lot more sense to hand it over to him to deal with.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  102. I took the sideways glance as probably the staff going “see what I mean, she's such a pita”, but then I realised the 'wisely holds her tongue' is Ana's commentary, so it's just Ana being a bitch.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  103. I've been through phases with these books (via the recaps). First amusement, then bemusement, then anger, fury, aaaaaand it kind of went back to just being hopeless and funny. UNTIL I GOT TO THE PART WHERE E.L. DUMBFUCK JAMES PUT THE INSANE PERSON IN ART SCHOOL! What the major fuck?!?! Nonono, art school is where you go and become insane, not where you stick insane people to begin with! I'm in art school. This is the most insulting thing to me in this entire fucking series. Oh yeah, she's nuts and kind of into art sooo art school? It's not therapy, it's extremely stressful, and it's like James is implying that's just naturally where someone with mental health issues is gonna fit in. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK, E.L. JAMES! Agh, I can't even finish reading this right now after looking forward to it all day because I spent 16 fucking hours working at my ART SCHOOL today. Bugger all!

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  104. Recovering people should not be in art school. It is not therapy. It's stressful as fuck. Source: I'm in art school… and GOING insane (didn't start out that way). Spent 16 hours there today because of all the heaps of work we have to get done for midterms. Recovering from a psychotic break in art school? You're gonna have a bad time!

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  105. Just so we're all clear, the central conflict of this chapter is a 22 year old woman going out for a drink with a friend….WITHOUT HER HUSBAND'S PERMISSION

    and there are actually people out there who think this is the most romantic thing ever written

    my faith in humanity ebbs by the day

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  106. Sydney, my older brother who is Schizophrenic and who had a ten year psychotic episode, I am not exaggerating, managed to go to university two years after he first started to recover. He studied Marine Biology which was an intensive course due to the work study elements. Plus in the two years prior to university, so basically as soon as he left the locked psychiatric ward, he was studying for 3 Access to Higher Education courses which he got distinctions in for all three. So with the right support from both the community psychiatric team and family, it is possible. However I m speaking from a UK perspective, where our mental health care is fairly good. I don't know what it's like in America.

    Jenny, I thought that probably wasn't a hypothetical question and since I have experience of this because of my brother I thought I would be a good person to answer. I have to say that I find Dr Flynn and his colleagues behaviour absolutely reprehensible, their should both be struck off for sharing confidential information. Even with the patient's consent there are limits to what you are allowed to share, and I suspect Chedward is getting verbatim reports of Leila's sessions.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  107. The 50 shades recaps at historyofbdsm.com are also fascinating, especially the first book – he does some interesting analysis about the relationship in general and the bdsm in particular. It even highlights some of Christian's failings that Jen didn't catch. Do you remember the scene with the wine on her body? While everyone here was flipping out about eww germs, he was flipping out about how you DO NOT leave a bound sub alone.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  108. I don't like guns, have never held one, etc. etc., and even I know that you never ever never leave one lying around loaded. DA FUCK.

    When I read this book (on the recommendation of a friend who honestly DID NOT pick up on any of the abusive themes, and still thinks I'm overreacting about them) I was so distracted by the fact that Jesus Bearded Christ, we have here a grown woman who is forbidden by her husband to go for a drink with her best friend that I didn't even pick up on the racial elements in Ana's interactions with Prescott.

    Now I'm extra-pissed, and also kind of ashamed of myself that I didn't notice it.

    I've said it before but it bears repeating – these recaps are consistently some of the best critical writing out there. Thank you.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  109. Some people do have BDSM relationships with real punishment, not just “funishment” – meaning they agree ahead of time that the sub has to do something genuinely unpleasant if they break the rules. Which isn't my kink, but whatever makes them happy. Historyofbdsm.com pointed out that one of the problems in 50 shades is that James doesn't seem to know the difference, so the characters are continually confused as to whether ana should actually be avoiding upsetting chedward or not.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  110. See, I disagreed with his assertion that you can't leave a bound sub alone. That might be his personal preference, but the way she was bound wasn't necessarily unsafe (if I remember correctly, that was the scene where the “binding” was having her t-shirt pulled over her face and being told not to move) and for some people, binding/escape is their kink. One partner binds the other, then leaves the room and the bound partner escapes. Now, they don't leave the building, obviously, and they're near by, but to say that under no circumstance should you ever leave a bound person alone… eh. During breath play or strapado? OH HELL TO THE NO.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  111. But I love that he's covering the BDSM aspect so closely. For all the good it will do the idiots who are using these books as their manual. 🙁

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  112. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Totally agreeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  113. Well, you know, artists are crazy and tortured, and that's why they're artists. Blah blah mental illness = creativity blah blah. I once actually had someone suggest that being mentally ill made me a good writer… because obviously, you can't be creative unless you're insane.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  114. I've got it! He's holding onto the gun so he can pop Ana and blame it on Leila when she comes to see Christian to thank him for the opportunity to explore the magical world of Art School.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  115. Thank you Sophie, it sounds like your brother is doing very well. I've also been a science major in geology. These courses are not the same. The major problem I have with E.L. James including that little plot twist is that she's practically insinuating a) art school is not a serious program that takes a lot of consideration before entering and b) art school is for the disturbed. The character Leila is not portrayed as a capable recovering person with family and healthcare support(like your brother), she's portrayed as a lunie that just needs a little art therapy to settle her nerves. As someone taking my education very very seriously, it's absolutely insulting.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  116. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    TEAM FREE WILL.

    And yeah, I can't even with this abuse shit. It's not even sneaky! It's PURE TEXTBOOK. And supposed to be romantic?
    I just can't, man. I get sick shivers at the thought of someone modeling their relationships on this horror-show.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  117. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    First of all, Jenny, I love you in ways I probably shouldn't for how awesome all these recaps are. I haven't ever commented before, but I've been reading quietly and stalking your blog for months, and each new entry improves my day so very much.

    I'm finally commenting because I didn't read a whole lot about rape culture before I started reading your blog. I didn't analyze it. I didn't think about it in a really defined way. I had all sorts of feels about it, of course, but I never really put them into words. Now, I'm finding ALL the articles, and I'm suddenly seeing ALL the examples in my own life.

    Last night, I had the most sobering experience yet about just how normalized rape culture has become. I was using my wonderful husband's computer last night and read an article on rape culture. I left the browser open, so when he got home, he read it, too. Afterward, he turned to me and said, “I don't know what to do about all these rape articles recently. I mean, I agree with them completely. But… other than raising our future kids not to act like that, there's really nothing else to be done.”

    We started to debate back and forth whether there was more or not, and he finally said, “But I don't know anyone who does [physically touch/attack/assault women when they shouldn't]. Only crazy people do that.”

    I looked at him in shock for a moment. Then I said, “Would you like to know exactly how many times during my life I have been touched when and where I didn't want to be? I'd like to tell you, but I can't. I've lost count because it's happened so many times. It's not just crazy people. It can't be. There simply aren't that many crazy people in the world.”

    He got really quiet after that, and then he admitted that I'm right.

    And that's the real problem right there. Wonderful, good, amazing, fantastic, gentle men (like my husband! I got pretty lucky!) don't realize just how pervasive it is. My hubby is wonderful, and I do believe that if he were to ever see something overt happening in front of him, he would do everything in his power to stop it. He's pretty awesome like that. But even he just doesn't see so much of what happens. For some reason, it just doesn't register for him. So he doesn't see how much of a problem rape culture is.

    It's normal people. Not all crazies. NORMAL PEOPLE. I can't even begin to stress just how scary that thought is, even though it's reality.

    (Continued in a second as another reply because Blogspot hates me for trying to write such a long comment.)

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  118. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    As I was saying…

    Later on in the discussion, I started naming names: men who went to high school with us years and years ago, men with whom he's hung out in the past, men who can be a lot of fun to be around… and who all also happen to be known sexual harassers/assaulters. I was able to come up with five names just off the top of my head. Keep in mind, this was out of a group of only 200 men who graduated with us. Normal guys. And in ten seconds, I named five of them who I know for a fact have sexually assaulted someone in the past decade.

    So, guys, what can you do other than raising your children not to be terrible human beings? There are lots of things, and there are some great articles online with some great ideas. One of the easiest things to do, though, is just to take a moment to think. It's not just the crazy folks out there who tolerate or condone rape culture. There simply aren't enough crazy people out there to account for the sheer number of incidences that happen every day. The problem is normal people, both men and women, who have grown up thinking that rape culture is the norm, and so the cycle continues. Normal people, everyone. The person in front of you in line in Starbucks. Your coworker. Your best friend. The person you accidentally bumped into at the store last week.

    All of these normal people put together, all of them thinking not that they want to go out and rape someone today but rather that it's not a big deal for that guy on the train to keep putting moves on the girl who's obviously trying to ignore him because he's just a guy and that's what guys do, who together create rape culture. Very few people do anything hugely terrible, but when the entire society allows slightly bad things to happen, the entire spectrum gets shifted, and that's when people get hurt.

    On a much lighter note, Jenny, were you involved with the Pottersues community forever and ever ago? Some of your comments make me think you might have been, and that makes my evil lesbian minion love for you grow ever stronger. If you weren't, ignore that last statement. <3

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  119. I can second that the art school work load is absolutely insane. To be fair, it was too much for me and was the catalyst into my alcoholic depression.
    I had previously attended other full time college classes and was utterly unprepared for the work load of a prestigious art school (on top of which I was working full time and living on my own for the first time. It was just a shit sandwich all around). They required full time school plus at the bare minimum of 40 hours of homework a week (that was half-assing it).
    Doesn't sound like easy going therapy to me.

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  120. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    “Put on your bullshit waders” is a wonderful phrase, and we should all endeavour to use it in conversation. Keep up the good work, Jen!

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  121. “It's Leila's,” he says finally.

    “It's fully loaded.”

    “How do you know?” His frown deepens.

    “I checked it yesterday.”

    He scowls at me. “I don't want you messing with guns. I hope you put the safety back on.”

    I blink at him, momentarily stupefied. “Christian, there's no safety on that revolver. Don't you know anything about guns?”

    His eyes widen. “Um… no.”

    Ana stares at him in amazement for a second and then raises the gun… “let me show you” and empty's the clip into his chest at point blank range saving the last bullet for herself.

    several minutes later Taylor enters and surveys the bloody scene.. “Bout f*cking time” he mutters before emptying the wall safe and planning his retirement with mrs Jones in the Bahamas……

    Ahhhh I feel better now……..

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  122. I didn't see if someone pointed this out but…..if she's so preggers…the alcohol….messed up baby…..

    March 8, 2013
    |Reply
  123. Fuck.

    Writing is the only thing keeping me sane these days.

    How dare I reverse my Poe flow!

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  124. Escape-play uses certain equipment ensuring safety. The reason you don't leave a bound sub alone without break-away equipment is in case the sub starts to panic, which can happen even with experience.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  125. Some recent studies are finding that very few women can identify signs of abuse anymore. Abuse has been normalized.

    Don't be ashamed for not picking up on the racial overtones toward Prescott. What we've got here is a situation where one person is being racist, yes, but the more pressing issue is that someone is in an abusive relationship with a sick fuck who, in real life, would probably kill her. The potential for murder will be noticed before racism, sexism, any other -ism, because you can't correct murder. If Ana was just being a brat with Kate and moaning about how hard it is to be rich, then the racism toward Prescott would have been the bigger issue.

    Also the abuse is more noticeable because in our own real lives, books like this are helping make abuse, and the danger it brings, more accepted, whereas Ana's behavior toward Prescott isn't making racism more accepted.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  126. I think some men think only “crazy” people can assault is because, while a quarter of women have been victims, far fewer men than a quarter actually do the assaulting. Most perps abuse many women. For us, this still makes us fear every man. For men, they don't think their own buddies would do something like that. So it's got to be some other group of guys. This doesn't mean these guys are excusing those who do this crap.

    I think it helps the men in our lives for us to talk openly about our experiences and what we feel. I'm very open about my history of assault at the hands of an ex, and about being molested as a kid, though, and this is, honest to the gods, the first time I'm saying this, but there have actually been two other guys who've done stuff for me, and I'm finally starting to process this. When I have a bit more, I'll talk about it too. The more the men in our lives know, the harder it will be to deny that even normal-deeming guys who appear to be good guys can do this. Let's let them get mad on our behalves. The more they see that it's not an isolated incident here and there, but rather a very real, everyday threat, the more they're likely to be proactive to protect us. I'm not saying we “need men to protect us,” but it does help our cause to have all the allies we can willing to speak up for us.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  127. Not always, thank goodness. A lot of women have a few nights of drinking before knowing. If you immediately cut it our upon finding out, the chance of lasting harm begins to diminish. This doesn't mean go off and have a single night of drinking if you know though.

    Of course in the Shadesiverse, Ana could drink heavily every night and snort crack and still give birth to a perfectly healthy baby.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  128. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    What is this? Peanut butter cadbury eggs? We do not have those in the UK. How come you have them?!?!?!

    SO A UK COMPANY IS DEPRIVING THE UK OF WHAT SOUND LIKE THE BEST EGGS EVER

    This is an outrage.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
    • Julia
      Julia

      I imagined that last line being yelled by Saboo from “The Mighty Boosh”, heeee.

      July 4, 2015
      |Reply
  129. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    In one of the other books there was a black guy who was 'beautiful' and who Ana liked and smiled at. Christian, who gets jealous if someone looks at a photo of Ana, didn't care. Didn't see him as a threat. Likewise Ana's token black woman friend, I think? She treats 'black' as like 'gay' – putting someone out of the competition and making them reducible to that one characteristic.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  130. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    The contract makes it sound like a 24/7 kind of thing, as does his constant talk of punishing her for 'disobeying' him outside of as part of their sex life – which is so confusing. She really wants to go out, she doesn't want to go out in order to 'disobey' and get 'punished'. She talks of threats and acts scared.

    I think this might be part of the rape fantasy – James wants Ana to be 'punished' by Christian, but she refuses to have her ask for it or enjoy it as part of their sex life, so she has this confusing thing where he 'genuinely' punishes her. This way it's not her 'fault' that she enjoys it.

    which would be all well and good in a book written by someone who knew how to write. but it's not.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  131. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Also look at how Ana automatically demeans what Leila's doing. Christian says 'art school', implying a full-time, maybe a degree course – Ana says 'art classes', implying she goes to paint insipid watercolour still lives of flowers once a week. Granted, that makes more sense in the case of someone recovering from a serious illness – but it's not what he said.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  132. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Oh God, the thing where he tells her not to play with guns, then admits he doesn't know anything about them, and realises she knows more than him – and he doesn't apologise or ask her opinion on what he should do? HOW IS THIS MAN A ROMANTIC HERO? HOW?

    I realise the post already said this, I just have to ask again because it is BAFFLING

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  133. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    She says she's 'writing' another one 🙁

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  134. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Gee, how can you say that! Christian LUVZ Ana!!11!! 😉

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  135. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I keep thinking this. All this stuff about how neither can believe the other loves them, and James makes it all about false modesty – How can he love me? My eyes are too big and too blue! – rather than actually thinking about what forms a connection between two people. But if Ana actually had low self-esteem, and actually wasn't perfect, instead of pretending to think she isn't when she knows she is, and if those years of therapy had given Christian any insight at all, however basic, this could be an interesting story.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  136. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    That's so Christian! XD XD

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  137. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    It was me who said above about the watercolour classes, and I do think James has this image in her mind of groups of ladies in smocks sitting and painting demure little pictures for a couple of hours a week.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  138. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    being married to Christian is the worst kind of shit though.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  139. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    As has been said before, just imagine Christian was, I dunno, a shop assistant or a bin man or a bus driver and then imagine how it would look that he won't let his wife out of the house.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  140. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Because it seems in the US they put peanuts in fucking everything. My friend has a mild peanut allergy and when we went there on holiday we seriously spent hours looking for chocolate that did not contain peanuts. I have to say I found the chocolate in general pretty lacklustre, maybe that's why they have to add loads of extra crap in it.

    I choose to comment on chocolate rather than the actual topic because this book is just too depressing to think about. Also nomnomnom cadbury.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  141. Well, I'm Canadian.

    AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND THEM IN YEARS. IT'S SO FREAKING DEPRESSING. The peanut butter was soooo good, too, it was peanut butter-y and not like Reeses' peanut butter. Which is good, but this was sooooo good.

    I miss those eggs.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  142. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I do actually find I write better when I'm depressed. I choose not to analyse this too much. Since I've been relatively healthy I've written one short story over like a year and I really don't think it's that good.

    On the “art school” part, I don't know how it is in the US but there certainly exist art courses where you can get by not doing that much work. Of course there are also art courses where you have to work insanely hard. But “she's going to art school” is pretty vague and could be referring to a more casual course.

    I just think there are enough serious problems with this book and with Leila's “story arc” that that detail doesn't bother me.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  143. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    and even though he is always telling her to drink, even when she says she'd rather have a coke.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  144. Seriously. She's had quite a few drinks at this point while pregnant. It's pissing me off that E.L. James knowingly wrote an obvious hint that Ana got pregnant, yet continues to have her drink.

    How on earth is this baby born without problems?!

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  145. I can almost guarantee that Prescott is E.L.'s version of werewolf Leah from Meyer's series. They are both strong women of color in “a man's profession,” tasked with defending Ana/Bella, and unwilling to kiss her ass and tell her she's made of gold. Leah is pretty much shit upon the entire Twilight series, too, for being such a bitch (read: practical and no-nonsense) so…par for the course here.

    March 9, 2013
    |Reply
  146. @War Writer: Good points, though I think Anabella's Chedward-dependent sexuality (she was a virgin before she met him, can't have an orgasm without him, can't be sexual if it's not directly for his benefit and so on) might count as anti-sex. As for the pro-conformism, ehhh, I'd say that bad shit happens to Anabella every time she doesn't conform to Chedward's will. That might also count.

    @Anonymous: Yes, yes it is.

    March 10, 2013
    |Reply
  147. I know that's likely a typo, but it just struck me that berry flavoured chocolate eggs would be fantastic. And they could actually call them “Cadberry Eggs”! 🙂

    March 10, 2013
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  148. Part of me wishes that EL James would find herself in a relationship like the one that she wrote and hopefully realize what a disservice she's done to the world. In my perfect dream reality, she would then renounce her novel, apologize to her readers, and devote herself to eliminating abuse wherever she goes.

    The rest of me wouldn't want anyone to have to suffer through such a relationship, even her.

    March 10, 2013
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  149. I totally didn't realize that, but you're right. Prescott is definitely Leah (who was my favourite Twilight character, actually.)

    March 10, 2013
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  150. OH man, that would be so cool. It could be an awesome action novel after that, with Taylor helping Ana flee while Flynn (who's secretly like an FBI Agent of some sort who's been spying on Christian because Christian's part of the mob or something) trying to protect them. Man, I want to read that book.

    March 10, 2013
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  151. Ugh about the eggs! I need to do that. lol I keep buying the little ones and eating the entire package in one sitting. Thank goodness they aren't available year-round.

    March 10, 2013
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  152. Right. If Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen weren't so rich, their abhorrent behavior wouldn't be accepted, overlooked, and even celebrated.

    March 11, 2013
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  153. I've heard. She originally was talking about writing the books from Chedward's views (hmmmm, what other series does that sound like?), and now it's something original. Let's see how she does without having another series to rewrite.

    March 11, 2013
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  154. Nadia Oliver
    Nadia Oliver

    What made me happy was the fact that the ALL MIGHT ALL KNOWING ALL F**king King of it all Chedward DIDN'T know something. I was raised around guns. My dad was a Detective, all, and I mean ALLLLL, of my uncles on both sides of the family were in the police force. I knew from a very young age the difference between a revolver and a semi automatic, where the saftey was and most importantly..If I even THOUGHT about touching one of the guns,I would be grounded forever. Jen's way of bringing to light new and usable curse words is fantastic. Between this and The Boss I am so filled with “Waiting for the next chapter” angst I am going to start taking my anit depressant drugs again…LOL….I love Jen to pieces.

    March 11, 2013
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  155. The reoccurring theme of Christian making sure AnaBella's eating reminds me of a book I was reading where the protagonist ate so much toast I was certain the author was on a low carb diet when writing it. So perhaps that's the case here, some restrictive weight loss diet of the author and not some sexy, sexy meal time domination fetish. 😉

    March 12, 2013
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  156. *SPOILER*

    She does. And the scene in which it happens made me scream in utter rage, and I've been waiting for an outlet to channel this rage. I cannot wait for the recap of the chapter that punishment happens in.

    March 13, 2013
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  157. Anonymous
    Anonymous
  158. Delurking to say how much I'm in love with your blog. As much as I hate 50 Shades, it's amazing how a book that shallow can inspire real creativity and thoughtfulness.

    March 13, 2013
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  159. Holy shit, that's some good-ass fanfiction. Everyone who's been saying that these characters could've been interesting in the hands of a good writer was spot on. Shit, she even made Doctor fucking Flynn into a compelling character, and that guy is an irredeemable, ethics-free piece of dook.

    March 13, 2013
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  160. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Will you please put a “This guy. This Fucking Guy.” shirt in the Troutmart? Or if they don't like f-bombs it can just be “This Guy. This Effing Guy.”

    I would totally buy that shit and whenever anyone asked me about it I'd give them a little vistaprint card with your blog address on it.

    March 14, 2013
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  161. brookemopolitan
    brookemopolitan

    What are her tips? Rip off an already shitty book and condition women to accept abuse while you do it?

    March 15, 2013
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  162. ali
    ali

    i just got back from a short vacation in costa rica, and i kept seeing fsog books or the 3-pack being sold with little notes on the front that said something like, “read the most popular romance in the world!”

    so sad. 🙁

    but, jenny, i looove your recaps/blog/the boss and now that i have internet again you are the first piece of my internet world that i am catching up on. 🙂 keep slogging through it, i appreciate your work so much!!

    March 15, 2013
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  163. Daisy
    Daisy

    ITA and it just goes to show the potential for taking these terrible characters and making them interesting (or at the very least not making them into complete pieces of shit who I hate). Sad that EL James got a book deal for writing about Chedward's rage and control issues and this other fanfic writer managed to make the plot and characters a hundred times more palatable, well written, and, you know, unhorrible.

    March 17, 2013
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  164. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    “It makes no fucking sense, just like it makes no fucking sense to not love Cadbury eggs because they're delicious and no, I will not make an exception for your diabetes, you better love those fuckers from afar, all unrequited and shit.”

    I loved that and bought some today. Also I cant with this book any more and really really enjoy the boss.

    March 26, 2013
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  165. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    So i was introduced to your blog by a friend last year when we were all bitching about how horribly written these books are, not to mention proper D/s behavior and how this is not it ON TOP OF absolutely nothing in these books being even mildly erotic (seriously, i think Snooki's book was better than this drivel). i have been alternating between peeing-myself-with-laughter and rage-face-at-fictional-characters-behavior while reading your recaps. reading the Cadbury eggs bit today was the last straw. i read this blog at work, literally sounded like a hoarse seal, laughing so hard i couldn't breath and then falling out of my chair and under my desk for a couple minutes. Cadbury eggs are a staple in my diet this time of year and i love everything you wrote. keep it up!

    April 5, 2013
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  166. C
    C

    Oh God…. Ima pee myself laughing so hard! This should be the reading at the end of the book when Taylor has their funeral after they die of terminal stupity. But in keeping with the non romance here, they die at the exact same time. Right on the heels of THE BEST ORGASM EVER IN THE HISTORY OF BESTEST ORGASMS!!!!!! Oh that would be an epic ending.

    April 27, 2013
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  167. Lieke
    Lieke

    My old nemesis Bic McPenlamperson… That cracks me up. I’m going to write a fanfic about this.

    October 7, 2013
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  168. B
    B

    I’m starting to wish my hair were a different color. Ana’s ruined the whole brunette thing for me.

    January 16, 2014
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  169. halcyon1234
    halcyon1234

    Remember the SIP business trip to NYC? Yes, I remember. I remember that Ana was supposed to go with Jack. Then Jack got conveniently rapey, and got fired. And Ana got promoted to his job.

    And then she got married, shirked all her responsibilities, and went on a three-week vacation from a job she’s barely had half that long.

    Meaning she either completely flaked out on that business trip (yes, she was totally the best person to fill that job) *OR* it means that she dumped it on a subordinate. Don’t you love that. “Hey, you, this is am important business trip that requires a senior level person. You’re an intern. You need to fly across the country right now to cover for me. Yes, it’s last minute, so you better cancel all your plans immediately. Also, the new owner of the company is an unforgiving asshole who fires people for things beyond their control, and since you are unprepared and unqualified to do this trip, this basically means your career is now in the shitter”.

    fucking amazing leadership, Ana.

    December 10, 2014
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  170. ashebutt
    ashebutt

    I know it’s kind of ridiculous to comment on a post so long after it was posted, but something bugs me, and has bugged me, re: Leila. I’m from CA, so this might not hold true for WA, but if they had just called the police after her suicide attempt, she would have been 5150’d, or placed under a psychiatric hold. Which would mean she couldn’t own a gun, she wouldn’t have been able to do any attempted murdering, and she would have gotten some actual help.

    It was bothering me too much not to mention. This whole series bothers me too much though. When I first started reading it, I literally had a hard time believing I was reading the real version. Like, how in the world was this published?

    August 29, 2015
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  171. Cherry
    Cherry

    As a diabetic, and a lover of Cadburry eggs, i know the feeling of the unrequited love. It’s there. Ever-present, just waiting for me to suck it up and deal with the hyperglycemia and eat the damn thing like i know im going to.

    November 3, 2015
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  172. Kat
    Kat

    Okay, so I’ve red the books but only now, after a few years, I can see how my opinion on things has changed. I’ve never liked the books, there was always something off about them. Now that I know what feminism and actual BDSM is, I know what I actually didn’t like about this story. And I’m so angry, because my friends, 25+ year old women, with husbands and kids keep reading this bullshit and saying that it was the best romance they’ve ever read. And me giving them examples of why it’s NOT okay and not sexy at all doesn’t change anything. I’m so angry, because Christian is straight up an abuser and what he does isn’t even BDSM (which should be safe, sane and consensual). He beats Ana up whenever he feels like it, telling her that it’s just kink, while he said numerous times that she’s not his sub. Which means, at least in my head, that they aren’t in 24/7 D/s relationship, so why does he act like they are? And whenever I see any of my friends on Facebook swooning over Grey, I just tell them that they’re fucking stupid. And when they get offended and unfriend me – even fucking better, because I don’t wanna be friends with women who are so utterly stupid.

    January 29, 2016
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