I’m introducing a new, sex-positive, kink-friendly feature here at the ole Troutnation watering hole. Totally TMI Reviews. Does what it says on the tin. I review sex toys, and you either scroll on past and say, “Toooooo much information, Jenny,” or you go, “Too much information?!” and click the link, and everyone goes home happy. These posts will have real talk about sexy stuff, so don’t click if you oughtn’t.
I’m a genuinely cheap person. Sometimes I say “thrifty” when I’m trying to sound wise, but in reality, I just don’t like to spend a lot of money on stuff, even when it’s ridiculous to avoid the expenditure. For many, many years, I’ve considered the Hitachi Magic Wand to be one of those frivolous big-ticket items, like a vacuum cleaner that sucks up dirt or a new front tie rod for my husband’s car.
Since we’re replacing the tie rod and we bought a vacuum, the next logical step is obviously a giant vibrator. I’ve already written about one in The Girlfriend:
“As he finished his sentence, he brought out a wand-style vibrator with a bulbous head and… oh good god, it plugged in. It plugged in to the wall.”
and it seemed like cheating to not at least do some retroactive research.
Before I bought, I checked some reviews online, and they wavered between:
Either it was the world’s best orgasm machine and its owner need never go outside again, or it was an object of horrific torture, whose too-strong vibrations would rend the user’s pelvis unto dust.
In reality, the Hitachi Magic Wand was actually more like this:
It was fun, but a little confusing, and you’re not sure if you like it or not at first, but then you’re like, “Yeah. Okay. I can dig this.”
Why don’t I break it down according to some of the things I’ve seen in other reviews?
The vibrations are too strong. Okay, I can back this one up. The vibrations are definitely strong. Like, “Am I going to go numb first?” strong. And the user manual tells you to never use it near your thyroid gland. Like, holy shit. What is going to happen to my thyroid gland? The thing is, even though the vibration was really intense, it wasn’t unpleasant or too much. It gave me a pins-and-needles sensation after a few minutes, though. I get why it’s too much for some people to handle, especially if there’s direct contact.
It’s too loud. It’s louder than your average battery powered egg vibrator, but from some of the reviews I’d read, I expected this to sound like a revving straight twin. It was kind of loud, but not in the way a cheap plastic vibrator is loud, with a lot of clanking and high pitched rattling. This was a lower tone, and more of a consistent wah-wah-wah-wah repetition. Also, I have a really thick comforter, so that helped muffle it.
It makes you come too fast. First of all, I can’t even believe this is a common complaint, and second, I personally didn’t find this to be the case. In fact, it was a really nice, slow building orgasm that was a lot of fun, even with the prickly numb feeling.
It can help you squirt/be multi-orgasmic. While nothing aquatic happened, I can see why someone could achieve multiple orgasms with the Magic Wand. Remember the pins-and-needles numbness I mentioned before? That actually helped me overcome my usual post-orgasmic don’ttouchmedon’ttouchmedon’ttouchme response. Even as strong as the vibration was, I didn’t have to pull it away to avoid feeling oversensitive. It’s a way different experience than any other vibrator I’ve tried, so it was easy to last a lot longer and just keep going.
I’m gonna recommend this one. Here’s the thing, if it doesn’t work for you as a sex toy, it definitely will work for you as a legit massager. I’ve been making a lot of jokes on Twitter about how I bought this for my “back pain,” but I did try it out on my back and it was fucking heavenly. I had this really enormous tumor by my spine a few years ago, and ever since it was removed, I’ve had burning pain where the muscle is scarred, and this thing… oh man. I bought it for masturbating, but it’s nice to get a post-coital back rub from it, too. If you buy it and it doesn’t get you off, you’re still going to be glad you spent the money on it, because it knows how to treat you back and shoulders right. They don’t call it “The Cadillac of Vibrators” for nothing.
I bought mine from Adam & Eve, and they’re always having sales with like, codes and stuff you can get if you just Google for them, and that will bring the price down. Definitely a good purchase.
I named mine Rupert Giles.