Skip to content

Totally TMI Reviews: Hitachi Magic Wand “Massager”

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m introducing a new, sex-positive, kink-friendly feature here at the ole Troutnation watering hole. Totally TMI Reviews. Does what it says on the tin. I review sex toys, and you either scroll on past and say, “Toooooo much information, Jenny,” or you go, “Too much information?!” and click the link, and everyone goes home happy. These posts will have real talk about sexy stuff, so don’t click if you oughtn’t.

I’m a genuinely cheap person. Sometimes I say “thrifty” when I’m trying to sound wise, but in reality, I just don’t like to spend a lot of money on stuff, even when it’s ridiculous to avoid the expenditure. For many, many years, I’ve considered the Hitachi Magic Wand to be one of those frivolous big-ticket items, like a vacuum cleaner that sucks up dirt or a new front tie rod for my husband’s car.

Since we’re replacing the tie rod and we bought a vacuum, the next logical step is obviously a giant vibrator. I’ve already written about one in The Girlfriend:

As he finished his sentence, he brought out a wand-style vibrator with a bulbous head and… oh good god, it plugged in. It plugged in to the wall.”

and it seemed like cheating to not at least do some retroactive research.

Before I bought, I checked some reviews online, and they wavered between:

and:

Either it was the world’s best orgasm machine and its owner need never go outside again, or it was an object of horrific torture, whose too-strong vibrations would rend the user’s pelvis unto dust.

In reality, the Hitachi Magic Wand was actually more like this:

It was fun, but a little confusing, and you’re not sure if you like it or not at first, but then you’re like, “Yeah. Okay. I can dig this.”

Why don’t I break it down according to some of the things I’ve seen in other reviews?

The vibrations are too strong. Okay, I can back this one up. The vibrations are definitely strong. Like, “Am I going to go numb first?” strong. And the user manual tells you to never use it near your thyroid gland. Like, holy shit. What is going to happen to my thyroid gland? The thing is, even though the vibration was really intense, it wasn’t unpleasant or too much. It gave me a pins-and-needles sensation after a few minutes, though. I get why it’s too much for some people to handle, especially if there’s direct contact.

It’s too loud. It’s louder than your average battery powered egg vibrator, but from some of the reviews I’d read, I expected this to sound like a revving straight twin. It was kind of loud, but not in the way a cheap plastic vibrator is loud, with a lot of clanking and high pitched rattling. This was a lower tone, and more of a consistent wah-wah-wah-wah repetition. Also, I have a really thick comforter, so that helped muffle it.

It makes you come too fast. First of all, I can’t even believe this is a common complaint, and second, I personally didn’t find this to be the case. In fact, it was a really nice, slow building orgasm that was a lot of fun, even with the prickly numb feeling.

It can help you squirt/be multi-orgasmic. While nothing aquatic happened, I can see why someone could achieve multiple orgasms with the Magic Wand. Remember the pins-and-needles numbness I mentioned before? That actually helped me overcome my usual post-orgasmic don’ttouchmedon’ttouchmedon’ttouchme response. Even as strong as the vibration was, I didn’t have to pull it away to avoid feeling oversensitive. It’s a way different experience than any other vibrator I’ve tried, so it was easy to last a lot longer and just keep going.

I’m gonna recommend this one. Here’s the thing, if it doesn’t work for you as a sex toy, it definitely will work for you as a legit massager. I’ve been making a lot of jokes on Twitter about how I bought this for my “back pain,” but I did try it out on my back and it was fucking heavenly. I had this really enormous tumor by my spine a few years ago, and ever since it was removed, I’ve had burning pain where the muscle is scarred, and this thing… oh man. I bought it for masturbating, but it’s nice to get a post-coital back rub from it, too. If you buy it and it doesn’t get you off, you’re still going to be glad you spent the money on it, because it knows how to treat you back and shoulders right. They don’t call it “The Cadillac of Vibrators” for nothing.

I bought mine from Adam & Eve, and they’re always having sales with like, codes and stuff you can get if you just Google for them, and that will bring the price down. Definitely a good purchase.

I named mine Rupert Giles.

Did you enjoy this post?

Trout Nation content is always free, but you can help keep things going by making a small donation via Ko-fi!

Or, consider becoming a Patreon patron!

37 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    lmao “I named mine Rupert Giles” hahahaha

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
    • Anonymous
      Anonymous

      on a more serious note, is there a way to ever overcome that post-orgasm “don’ttouchme” thing? I have no idea how people have multiple orgasms. After I have one, I’m done for the day. The Clitoris Has Left the Building. I don’t know man.

      November 5, 2013
      |Reply
      • LOL I live for multiple orgasms. The trick is to move to a different section. After all, our clit isn’t only in one spot. Experiment one night, and you will be amazed all the different ways, angles and areas you can come. OMG!!!

        November 5, 2013
        |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        I have multiples when I have vaginal/g-spot orgasms, but not usually clitoral.

        November 5, 2013
        |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        i was never able to (always had the donttouchmeouch feeling after one) until i started taking wellbutrin xl for my anxiety. i discovered that multiples are a delightfully unforeseen side effect (it removed the pain after the first so that i could keep going for number 2, 3, 4,…) the joy is somewhat offset by the constant tinnitus, though.

        November 5, 2013
        |Reply
        • Brittany
          Brittany

          This is so crazy to me!!! Because I just started taking Wellbutrin not too long ago and have been experiencing multiple orgasms as well!…. today I actually ejaculated…. that has NEVER happened to me before. Its been glorious.
          What a weird coincidence though.

          May 16, 2017
          |Reply
      • I find if we take a minute to rest I can often work my way up again – but I get multiples pretty easily so I may have just won the genetic lottery? I don’t know. It did get easier after I started taking fish oil supplements, though, which I take for depression (works as well as actual antidepressants for me – I tried fish oil once when I was between prescriptions and never went back) but is known to do good things for your sex drive. (There’s a book called the orgasmic diet (I think) that a few of my friends swear by. One of them recommended the fish oil to me.)

        *random people on the internet are not the same as medical advice, if you are depressed talk to an actual doctor, all that stuff*

        November 8, 2013
        |Reply
        • Brittany
          Brittany

          I love your statement at the end. Appreciated.

          May 16, 2017
          |Reply
  2. Jo Rankins
    Jo Rankins

    Oh man. The magic wand is an essential part of my relationship. We had our first one for… I want to say 5 years? And then one day it broke (after we used it so much that some of the plastic literally melted and it was all crooked and it made a funny sound if you held it the wrong day), and we just spent a couple days in sexless shock. Thank god we got a new one. We never unplug it, we just keep it in and hide it under the bed.

    Basically yes, best thing ever. We got ours from Babeland. I don’t have the website in front of me to compare, but I think it’s a bit more expensive than Adam & Eve. It’s female/LGBT+ run, though, so I buy from them to put my vagina where my mouth is, politically speaking. Even if I AM disappointed that they have a ~Fifty Shades of Grey~ themed line of products. But hey, money.

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    That Adam & Eve site has a section for 50 Shades of Grey. It’s basically the books and various sex toys with the words 50 Shades of Grey on them. And there’s the vibrator with the words “Charlie Tango” written on it. Did I miss the scene where Ana fucked the helicopter?

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
    • I would have thought that would be an improvement on the existing scenes, mind you. Though I dread to think what euphemisms would result. “Charlie Tango put its up there down there. Oh gaaaawwd”

      November 5, 2013
      |Reply
      • OMG, i’m going to wake the kids i’m laughing so hard at that

        November 8, 2013
        |Reply
    • That would be a bit grisly I think… Though Ana certainly deserves a SAW-ish demise. So I’m all for her engaging in dome helicopter fuckery.

      November 5, 2013
      |Reply
    • Alex
      Alex

      “Did I miss the scene where Ana fucked the helicopter?”

      “Look ma, no hands!”

      (Not that Christian would ever let her pilot the helicopter herself, of course)

      November 6, 2013
      |Reply
    • Reenie
      Reenie

      That’s actually why Charlie Tango crashed…. Ana eyeballed it and thought… ooooh thats some kinky fuckery and Christian was all “nuh-uh girlfriend” and crashed it. Or maybe the vibrator crashes for dramatic affect.

      November 6, 2013
      |Reply
  4. Renee J
    Renee J

    I use one of those back massagers that plug in the wall. I think I bought it at Target.

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
    • Petra47
      Petra47

      I swear by my Dr. Scholl’s massager. Have to have one that plugs into the wall! I go through batteries far too quickly.

      November 5, 2013
      |Reply
  5. i’d heartily recommend reviews of the jimmy jane form line or lelo. both quality products. rechargeable and relatively quiet.

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
  6. Pere Script. Is it technically proselytisation if you’re neither involved with the site, nor use it anymore?

    Try http://www.edenfantasys.com. They have a points program which allows you to buy toys for FREE. Basically, you sign up (which is free), perform certain actions on the site, like liking toys on Facebook, creating and adding toys to your wishlist, doing reviews and posting on the forum, and you get points, which you then convert to in-site gift cards. And then buy lots and lots of toys with them. I bought my ex hundreds of dollars worth of toys, and didn’t spend a penny. One thing, though, in the US postage on orders over $50 is free, but outside it’s at cost – roughly $20-30. Luckily the gift cards can cover this, too.

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
  7. Bought myself the mini battery power one. That replaced everything else in the toy box! Hubby bought me the regular plug in one, which is great. Had to try not to laugh though. I’m married to an engineer, and there isn’t a plug next to the bed. It was pretty hair raising to walk in when he was set up and find the hitachi plugged in via a 50′ orange construction extension cord! Just how much juice does that thing need anyway?

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
  8. Thanks to the wonder of SSRI inhibitors my orgasms are almost mythical creatures (but I’d rather not be so noise sensitive that I want to strangle a pet for vocalizing). I have been in lust for the Hitachi Magic Wand for a long time, and your review hasn’t lessened it in the least.

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
  9. Michelle
    Michelle

    A podcast I listen to has a 50% off deal with Adam and Eve right now. I believe the promo code is “terrible.”

    Go forth and get your kink on.

    November 5, 2013
    |Reply
    • Filthy
      Filthy

      Lou Reads?

      November 5, 2013
      |Reply
  10. Troutfan
    Troutfan

    Speaking of Anthony Head, if you haven’t seen it already, Imagine Me & You is a super darling (when you excuse it for the “I didn’t know I was a lesbian until after I got married to a man” trope) movie that can provide you with some happy Anthony Head smiles like this one:
    http://media.giphy.com/media/7IHEd3t3soPII/giphy.gif

    November 6, 2013
    |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      I love him in that film, “I love the smell of hot dog in the evening”! However I don’t agree with you on the trope, I think it’s more a case of she has feelings for that one girl and had she never met her, she would’ve been happily straight. Which is the case for some people, myself included.

      November 6, 2013
      |Reply
      • Troutfan
        Troutfan

        I’m a lesbian, so obviously I have a bias here. But it’s definitely a trope for most lesbian movies where both characters are actually alive and still in love by the end of the movie (which is rare).
        http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ClosetKey

        I can completely understand sexuality as a spectrum and someone who is almost completely hetero falling in love with someone who is the same sex. I can honestly relate to Rachel’s character because I dated/slept with men and was pretty “meh” about the whole thing, until I realized it’s because I have that true spark and satisfaction with women.

        I don’t have a problem with this movie specifically but it does take part in a Hollywood trend that you can’t have a romantic normal lesbian-meets-lesbian movie. Sure, for the Kinsey 1’s and 2’s out there, it makes perfect sense and is relateable, but for any 4-6 it just reinforces a subtle message that homosexuality is some kind of forbidden fruit that’s only okay when you’re sure it’s your one soulmate.

        November 7, 2013
        |Reply
  11. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    You know, I will read anything that says TMI, because I am just so curious. In reality – it was the last sentence that got to me. 😀 Fun review.

    November 7, 2013
    |Reply
  12. the only vibrater I’ve ever eye humped with ferocity is the Sybian… but I can’t get one until my kids move out.

    November 7, 2013
    |Reply
  13. K
    K

    Love this new addition to your blog! I need to find a vibrator that is as quiet as possible while still being effective. I live with my parents and get distracted if I try to play music to cover up the vibration noise. Any recommendations? Ugh, I think they know what I’m up to but respect my privacy too much to mention it, which is wonderful of them but still mortifying.

    November 10, 2013
    |Reply
  14. Since it’s TMI time: The first time I used my hitachi afterwards I curled up hugging it saying “you’re my new best friend”. My boyfriend at the time found it hilarious. I may still do that sometimes.

    November 12, 2013
    |Reply
  15. Evil-lyn
    Evil-lyn

    Rupert Giles … Yum.
    You’re a bad influence … I’m totally going to name my next vibrator Tom Hiddleston!

    January 4, 2014
    |Reply
  16. This is by far the most hilarious Hitachi magic wand review I have ever read. Thanks for the laughs! Maybe we should integrate your review to our website http://maxiwand.com?

    May 18, 2015
    |Reply
  17. Ricky
    Ricky

    Best investment ever in our marriage.
    We now have sex every day. My wife knows she will always climax, and always 3-5 times. We start off her on top, then on her side, then doggy style, and she climaxes in each position. Doggy style with the vibrator for her is heaven, and she can continue to climax until she is exhausted.

    Thank you Mr. Hitachi for helping our marriage.

    February 10, 2016
    |Reply
  18. Edith Esquivel
    Edith Esquivel

    Don’t buy from Maxiwand.com. They are not listed as Vibratex safe vendors. They told me they could not send me the product to Mexico due to Hitachi’s policies, and when I sent them Vibratex answer that the product can be sent to North America, which includes Mexico “Marc L.” (Actual signature on mail) , from customer service, ignored the facts and got surprisingly aggressive. They send original wands to blogs but that doesn’t mean the one you will get is legit, and if you need customer service later, believe me, it is not Marc’s forte to write nicely. Go to Vibratex website and buy from their guaranteed vendors. It is safer and possibly cheaper.

    March 15, 2018
    |Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *