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50 Shades Freed recap Chapter 25: “My race is almost run.”

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This is it. The last chapter of the entire 50 Shades of Grey series. I mean, there’s an epilogue, and a vignette, and the first part of the first book rewritten from Christian’s POV– OMG YOU GUISE THIS IS TOTALLY NOT LIKE TWILIGHT LIKE AT ALL–, but the chapters, the main part of the story, the horrible, crushing legacy of “love him ’til he’s well” is over. It’s… it’s over.

If you remember what happened in our last chapter, then good for you! Because it’s been a fuck of a long time since I’ve done a recap. Anyway, Christian was about to tell Ana literally everything she has been longing to know ever since she met him. He’s going to tell her all about Mrs. Robinson, and how he got into kinky fuckery. The entire plot of the series is about to be wrapped up in a single conversation. So, how does Ana react?

Do I want to hear this?

easy_buster_cropped
Pictured: my patience with this book.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

OF COURSE YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS!

HOW DARE YOU, HOW VERY, VERY DAAAAAAAAARE YOU, MAKE ME READ THREE WAY TOO LONG NOVELS OF CONSTANT WHINGING THAT CHEDWARD WON’T TELL YOU ANYTHING, ONLY TO DOUBT THAT YOU WANT HIM TO TELL YOU IN THE VERY FIRST PARAGRAPH OF THE VERY LAST CHAPTER OF THE VERY LAST BOOK! HOW DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE YOU!

Christian tells Ana that he was doing yard work for Mrs. Robinson when she brought him lemonade, then slapped him, kissed him, and slapped him again. Because she went to the Daytime Soaps School of Nonsensical Seduction.

“Do you want to hear this?” Christian asks.

Yes… No…

Only if you want to tell me.” My voice is small as I lie facing him, my mind reeling.

I say again... HOW DARE YOU!
I say again… HOW DARE YOU!

She didn’t touch me when she kissed me,” he murmurs and turns his head to gaze at me. “You have to understand… my life was hell on earth. I was a walking hard-on, fifteen years old, tall for my age, hormones raging. The girls at school–” He stops, but I’ve got the picture; a scared, lonely, but attractive adolescent. My heart twists.

“I was angry, so fucking angry at everyone, at myself, my folks. I had no friends. My therapist at the time was a total asshole. My folks, they kept me on a tight leash; they didn’t understand.”

So, basically he was a very normal, typical American teenager? Except for the part where he keeps saying, “my folks.” I’ve never met anyone born after 1970 who says, “My folks” this often.

Christian began a sexual relationship as a sub to Mrs. Robinson:

“And you know something, Ana? My world came into focus. Sharp and clear. Everything. It was exactly what I needed. She was a breath of fresh air. Making the decisions, taking all that shit away from me, letting me breathe.”

So, remember everybody, BDSM is the cure-all. But also, the problem. I guess. Somehow.

This is what I don’t understand, and maybe you guys can help me out in the comments: if Chedward was miraculously healed by being a submissive to Mrs. Robinson, then why did he turn to sadism and Dominance? It seems like if being a sub was helping him, and he was clearly able to achieve subspace in an enjoyable way, he would have stuck with being submissive.

OH SHIT, I FORGOT WHAT BOOK I WAS READING.

Let me explain to you why Christian went from being a sub to being a Dom totally unable to switch:

  • This is plagiarized from Twilight.
  • In Twilight, Edward accidentally hurts Bella all the time during their intimate alone times.
  • So Chedward has to hurt Anabella all through these books.
  • But the author seems to have a problem with BDSM, viewing it as abusive at the very least.
  • So for Christian Grey to have been abused and mentally scarred by his relationship with Mrs. Robinson, he had to be a sub.
  • Also, I’m pretty sure that Christian Grey would have seemed less “manly” to a lot of female readers if he were a sub, and ick, women being in charge during sex is so gross and unsexy, so he has to make a nonsensical 180 to full-time Dom with absolutely no chance of switching.
  • Because the very notion of sexual submission is automatically emasculating in the minds of 80% of contemporary romance readers,

So, what this is telling me is that I need to write an alpha male sub, because these mythic creatures can exist and be, gasp, sexy.

“And even when it was over, my world stayed in focus because of her. And it stayed that way until I met you.”

Wait, his world remained in focus from his submission to Mrs. Robinson until he met Ana, at which point his world went out of focus… so you know what would have made this book a) better b) more suspenseful and c) make more sense? If Christian didn’t have this long string of women he’d dominated in the past. What if Ana had been the first woman he’d wanted to Dom with? What if that’s what blew his entire world view to pieces? Then the BDSM plot device would have been so much less insulting. He’s confused, he’s angry that he’s powerless to stop these feelings, he doesn’t want to change, etc. My god. It would almost resemble a plot, or character development.

“You turned my world on its head.” He closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, they are raw.

Here you go, buddy.
Here you go, buddy.

“My world was ordered, calm, and controlled, then you came into my life with your smart mouth, your innocence, your beauty, and your quiet temerity… and everything before you was just dull, empty, mediocre… it was nothing.”

I’m really glad that E.L. worked this in here, because it would have been weird to end the book without another string of unearned praise for Ana.

“I fell in love,” he whispers.

I stop breathing. He caresses my cheek.

“So did I,” I murmur with the little breath I have left.

His eyes soften. “I know,” he mouths.

Read that again, but imagine the scene taking place in a faulty airlock.

After a few paragraphs, Christian says:

“If you grow up with a wholly negative self-image, thinking you’re some kind of reject, an unlovable savage, you think you deserve to be beaten.”

Savage, huh? Also, Christian seemed to believe that all of his subs deserved to be beaten, because they looked like his mother. So, he has a negative image of Ana, as well?

Christian goes on to say the same kind of shit that he’s been saying for all three books (his submission to Elena helped him, he quit drinking, he stopped fighting, he sees the relationship for what it was), but we’re supposed to believe it’s some big fucking revelation because it’s the end of the book and everything is surprising to Ana. So either she hasn’t been listening to him throughout the entire series, or she’s the kind of person who watched Titanic and was shocked when the boat sank.

“But you like control,” I whisper.

Yes. I do. I always will, Ana. It’s who I am. I surrendered it for a brief while. Let someone make all my decisions for me. I couldn’t do it myself– I wasn’t in a fit state. But through my submission to her, I found myself and found the strength to take charge of my life… take control and make my own decisions.”

So, now this officially doesn’t make sense. He surrendered control because he was too controlling, and it helped him by… making him realize he should be more controlling? And this was a positive thing? I just want to make sure that I, as the reader, am understanding this correctly: even though “make my own decisions” translates to engaging in unsafe sex and BDSM practices and emotionally manipulating a woman (Leila) into a mental breakdown, it made him better?

“Dropping out of Harvard?”

“My decision, and it was the best decision I ever made. Until I met you.”

Me?”

Is there someone else here, Ana? Jesus Christ.

Christian tells Ana that it was Elena that encouraged him to follow Ana to Georgia, because she was trying to break them up. Remember when everyone was like, “You have to read the whole series so you can understand that he reforms and becomes a good man?” That’s some grade A bullshit, because this is the last fucking chapter, and all I’m seeing is an author scurrying desperately to blame the behavior of her abusive shit stain of a hero on any woman who’s ever come into contact with him. This book is like an MRA manifesto. It should have a fedora on the fucking cover. The title should be, It’s All Her Fault.

“She thought I needed all the trappings of the lifestyle I enjoyed.”

The Dom?” I whisper.

He nodds. “It enabled me to keep everyone at arm’s length, gave me control, and kept me detached, or so I thought. I’m sure you’ve worked out why,” he adds softly.

“Your birth mom?”

“I didn’t want to be hurt again. And then you left me.” His words are barely audible. “And I was a mess.”

These are the big revelations, by the way. If you’re feeling a sense of deja vu, it’s not just you. You really have read this conversation over and over. But if the author insists hard enough, it’s all new and revelatory.

Ana asks Christian if he misses being a Dom. Like… since when? Since the last time you guys had sex or something? Anyway, he says he does:

But only insofar as I miss the control it brings. And frankly, your stupid stunt” — he stops– “that saved my sister,” he whispers, his words full of relief, awe, and disbelief. “That’s how I know.”

“Know?”

“Really know that you love me.”

I frown. “You do?”

“Yes. Because you risked so much… for me, for my family.”

Photo on 12-29-13 at 2.41 PM

I don’t know what’s more infuriating to me, the idea that the entire plot of this series is apparently that Ana has to prove to her abuser that she loves him, or that the main conflict is only being explicitly defined in the very last chapter of the very last book.

“You have a V here when you frown,” he murmurs. “It’s very soft to kiss. I can behave so badly… and yet you’re still here.”

What is this shit? A greatest hits chapter?

Christian tells Ana he thought she would leave him because:

“Because of the way I behaved when you told me you were pregnant.” He runs his finger down my cheek. “You were right. I am an adolescent.” 

Oh shit… I did say that. My subconscious glares at me. His doctor said that!

Christian, I said some awful things.” He puts his index finger over my lips.

“Hush, I deserved to hear them. Besides, this is my bedtime story.”

Once again, Ana tries to apologize for setting reasonable boundaries, like, “Could you please not slam shit around and scream at me when you find out the birth control method you forced upon me because the more reliable barrier method you simply didn’t care to use failed.” I’m so glad this book is nearly over.

Christian makes a remark about how he expected they would have a child in the future, and Ana thinks:

Just one? No… Not an only child. Not like me. Perhaps now’s not the best time to bring that up.

You fucking think?! You can’t just randomly introduce new conflict in the last chapter of the last book of a fucking series! AAAARGH!

“Well, you pulled the rug out from under me. Christ, was that unexpected. Never in a million years, when I asked you what was wrong, did I expect you to be pregnant.” He sighs. “I was so mad. Mad at you. Mad at myself. Mad at everyone. And it took me back, that feeling of nothing being in my control. I had to get out. I went to see Flynn, but he was at some school parents’ evening.” Christian pauses and arches an eyebrow.

“Ironic,” I whisper. Christian smirks in agreement.

That’s not irony. That’s coincidence. Aren’t you an editor with an English degree, Ana?

Christian’s chain of excuses leads up to the big event. He’s going to tell Ana what happened when he saw Elena:

Oh shit. We’ve cut to the chase. My heart doubles in speed. Do I really want to know this? My subconscious glares at me, a plucked eyebrow raised in warning.

If you’d actually cut to the chase, this entire fucking life-long drag-out of this goddamned series would have been a single fucking book, but in your own time I guess, Ana. Plus, this is the second time, after three books of “Please talk to me,” that Ana is now doubting she actually wants him to talk to her. It doesn’t increase the tension. It’s just fucking annoying.

Aside: since the subconscious and the inner goddess are polar opposites of each other, and the subconscious has noticeably plucked eyebrows, the part of Ana’s inner goddess will be played by Peter Capaldi:

capaldi eyebrows

 

Anyway, Christian explains that Elena made a pass at him that night, Ana gets to call her a Bitch Troll again, and Christian tells her about how he broke it off with Mrs. Robinson and is never going to see her again. Which is going to be quite the trick to pull off, since he still has her business tied up with his and all.

“I’m sorry,” I mutter.

He frowns. “What for?”

“Being so angry the next day.”

He snorts. “Baby, I understand angry.”

Here, we see Ana apologizing to Christian for being mad that he slammed shit around and screamed at her when she told him she was pregnant, then stormed off and spent the night drinking with the woman who has tried repeatedly to sabotage their relationship. And we see him magnanimously forgiving her by brushing off her apology.

Excuse me a moment.

I say again... HOW DARE YOU!

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easy_buster_cropped

He goes on to tell her that he was only mad about the baby because he wanted to be the center of her universe. Which is a totally reasonable and not at all juvenile, manipulative, and generally prickish thing to say to someone. This, of course, makes Ana cry, because she exists solely to fulfill his needs, as the good lord intended of women. They talk about his mom, and Ana asks him to forgive her for being such a shitty parent, and he says:

“I’m scared I’ll be a shitty father.”

I stroke his dear face. Oh, my Fifty, Fifty, Fifty. “Christian, do you think for one minute I’d let you be a shitty father?”

You let him be a shitty husband, so why not? The idea that she thinks she can force him to be a good father means they should not be having a kid. Because that’s not how parenthood works. No one can make someone else be a good parent, no matter how hard they work at it.

Ana asks Christian why he’s being forthcoming about all this stuff:

“Why am I being forthcoming? I can’t say. Seeing you practically dead on the cold concrete, maybe. The fact I’m going to be a father. I don’t know. You said you wanted to know, and I don’t want Elena to come between us. She can’t. She’s the past and I’ve said that to you so many times.”

Right, you’ve totally said that so many times. And then when the chips were down, you ran straight to her. This is an “actions speak louder than words” kind of situation, buddy.

“If she hadn’t made a pass at you… would you still be friends?”

“That’s more than one question.”

“Sorry. You don’t have to tell me.” I flush. “You’ve already volunteered more than I ever thought you would.”

I’m glad the book didn’t end without another “flush.” I would have felt incomplete. Also, uh… yeah, he does have to tell you if he would have maintained a relationship with a woman who tried to break up your marriage. It’s called being emotionally honest with your partner, dipshit.

They have some weird back and forth about how much he wants to have sex with her, but he won’t because safety, then there’s a section break and:

I wake with a start.

This moron is alarmed at everything. I cannot imagine a world in which I am routinely startled by normal bodily functions like waking up. What happens when she takes a shit? Does her heart stop? What about when she sneezes? Is that like watching American Horror Story in the dark during a thunderstorm? WHY IS SHE ALWAYS STARTLED WHEN SHE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS?

I feel like I’m running out of pages here, and we’re not going to get an answer re: Ana’s constant sense of terror at every day occurrences.

It’s Monday, and I spent all of yesterday lounging about in bed. Christian let me go out only briefly to see Ray. Honestly, he’s still such a control freak. I smile fondly. My control freak.

Hands off, ladies, he’s taken. The guy who will prevent you from spending time with your recently severely injured father is, sadly, off the market.

Ana thinks about how Christian telling her all these big revelations (90% of which were not new information at all) will put the past behind them. Or maybe not:

We haven’t spoken of the Bitch Troll once since his confession. I hope we never do. To me she’s dead and buried.

Methinks the idiot doth protest too much. See, if she was really “dead and buried,” Ana wouldn’t think it was some big milestone that they hadn’t talked about her in a day. And she wouldn’t be referring to her as the Bitch Troll if she’d let go of her anger the way she’s claiming.

Ana goes out to the kitchen for breakfast, and Christian says:

“Ana, you are not going to work.”

Ever again.

Christian tells her he’s not going to work, either, and she acts like it’s some big damn deal, but for a guy who is Master of The Universe, he certainly holds some steady 20 hour work weeks throughout this series.

Hey, read this:

I slide onto a barstool beside him and hoist my skirt up a little. Mrs. Jones places a cup of tea in front of me.

You look good,” Christian says. I cross my legs. “Very good. Especially here.” He traces a finger over the bare flesh that shows above my thigh-highs. My pulse quickens as his finger runs across my skin. “This skirt is very short,” he murmurs, vague disapproval in his voice as his eyes follow his finger.

“Is it? I hadn’t noticed.”

Christian gazes at me, his mouth twisted in an amused yet exasperated smirk.

“Really, Mrs. Grey?”

I blush.

“I’m not sure this look is suitable for the workplace,” he murmurs.

“Well, since I’m not going to work, that a moot point.”

“Moot?”

“Moot,” I mouth.

Christian smirks again and resumes eating his omelet. “I have a better idea.”

“You do?”

He glances at me through long lashes, gray eyes darkening. I inhale sharply. Oh my. About time.

Did you notice something in that excerpt? Was it that Mrs. Jones never left the kitchen? She’s like, right there, making Ana some eggs and toast, while this awkward, supposedly steamy flirting is happening right in front of her. How does she not just projectile vomit all over the tile backsplash? Okay, I know. It’s because everyone in this book thinks these two are the most sexy, adventurous, courageous, brave, intelligent, funny, charming, beautiful, humble, exciting people who ever fell into a love so pure it puts all others to shame, but it’s just too big a stretch of the imagination for me to think that a housekeeper wouldn’t be profoundly uncomfortable listening to Christian further grooming his wife for emotional manipulation.

Because guess what?! He still won’t fuck her! For her own good! Ha, those women. They never know what’s good for them, am I right?

Christian’s “better idea” is going to see new house. Before they do, this happens:

Leaving the breakfast bar, he tugs his T-shirt over his head, treating me to the sight of his finely sculptured shoulders and naked back as he saunters out of the great room. I stop mid-chew. He’s doing this on purpose. Why?

Because in Twilight, Bella wants to have sex with Edward and he consistently turns her down because he’s afraid of hurting her. Ana, everything that happens to you happens because it happened in Twilight. I’m surprised nobody’s written a fanfic wherein Bella Swan finds a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and reads it The Neverending Story style, gasping and flushing every time she recognizes that she is, in fact, a part of the story.

 

What you are feeling looking at this photo and being reminded of this scene is how I feel every time I even accidentally glance at this book.
What you are feeling looking at this photo and being reminded of this scene is how I feel every time I even accidentally glance at the number 50 in any context.

After a section break, Ana once again informs the reader that she’s like, so totally over Mrs. Robinson, no, really, doesn’t even think about her at all, and Christian puts his hand on her knee and she’s so super hot for him, etc. Then there is another section break, and why isn’t this book done yet? Hasn’t the main conflict been wrapped up? Anyway, they meet Elliot outside the new house, where construction is happening, and then there’s another section break where in something ASTOUNDING happens:

The new work is sympathetic  and in keeping with the old-world charm of the house… Gia’s done well.

Okay, brace yourself, dear reader. Ana doesn’t say anything else about Gia. She doesn’t think about how she’s a home wrecker or a slut or overly familiar with other people’s husbands or has a bad dye job or wears too much makeup, she just thinks, “This female character is good at her job,” and adds nothing after that. This is literally the first time that has happened in this entire series.

Bask in it, dear reader. We’ve earned this fleeting reprieve.

Christian says something about hanging José’s photos in the house, and Ana is all falsely modest about her looks, and then:

“Worse things to do than look at your beautiful smiling face all day. Hungry?” he asks.

“Hungry for what?” I whisper.

You win, book. I give up.
You win, book. I give up.

There’s some talk about the baby and Ana shows Christian the ultrasound, because she’s just been carrying it around with her this whole time, I guess. Christian suggests they have a picnic in the meadow, because Twilight, and then there’s a section break and Christian is on the phone to Ros, being busy and important. Then Welch calls, and Christian gets serious:

He narrows his eyes for a moment, then gives me a cool, chilling smile. A shiver runs down my back.

Mmm, so sexy when you’re afraid of your husband. He calls Ros:

“Ros, how much stock do we own in Lincoln Timber?” he kneels up.

My scalp prickles. Oh no, what’s this?

“So, consolidate the shares into GEH, then fire the board… except the CEO… I don’t give a fuck… I hear you, just do it… thank you… keep me informed.”

Why don’t you fire the CEO yourself, Christian? Since you’re such a hard ass? I’ve noticed that throughout this entire series, he never gets his hands dirty at his company, despite being “Master of The Universe.”

Welch found out that Linc, Elena’s ex-husband, posted bail for Jack Hyde.

Wait, is his name Linc Lincoln?!

Pushing past that, can E.L. figure out who the fucking villain is? Linc has barely been mentioned in this series, except to say that he beat up his wife for having an affair. What kind of a shitty, half-baked plot twist is this? You can’t just throw in a random villain at the very end. Also, random yahoos can’t find out who posted bail for who through legal channels, so once again, Christian is using his wealth to circumvent the law. Ana says:

Well, he’ll look like an idiot,” I murmur, dismayed. “I mean, Hyde committed another crime while out on bail.”

Okay, no, he won’t look like an idiot, because that information is supposed to be confidential, and is that really the point? Like, if this dude posted bail in the hopes that Hyde would murder you, why are you thinking, “He’ll look like an idiot,” as though that’s some kind of fitting consequence?

Since this is the greatest hits chapter, Christian responds:

“Fair point well made, Mrs. Grey.”

You know, there’s a difference between repetition as a motif and repetition born of amateur–

“Several years back, when I was twenty-one, Linc beat his wife to a pulp. He broke her jaw, her left arm, and four of her ribs because she was fucking me.” His eyes harden. “And now I learn he posted bail for a man who tried to kill me, kidnapped my sister, and fractured my wife’s skull. I’ve had enough. I think it’s payback time.”

I blanch. Holy shit. “Fair point well made, Mr. Grey,” I whisper.

Fuck it. Never mind.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you,” he whispers.

“You didn’t,” I lie.

He arches a brow, amused.

“You just took me by surprise,” I whisper, then swallow. Christian is really quite scary sometimes.

Do I really need to be here for this anymore?

Why did Christian go into business with Linc if he’s such an ahole? Was it to help Elena? Or so he’d have this leverage over him? If it’s the former, eh, I can see that. If it’s the latter, what kind of idiot is Linc?

Christian says:

“I will do anything to keep you safe. Keep my family safe. Keep this little one safe,” he murmurs and splays his hand out over my belly in a gentle caress.

He’ll do anything, except report major crimes, not commit crimes or pay someone else to commit them for him, or alter his violent and controlling behavior in any way. But other than those things, which are entirely under his sole control, he will do anything.

Then they start having sex, and he’s all Edward about it. He says:

“Your body’s changing,” he whispers.

Already? Isn’t she like ten weeks pregnant or something? I got to twelve weeks before I even knew I was pregnant with my first baby. I even lost weight.

Basically, the entire scene is a boring retread of every other sex scene that hasn’t involved some kind of prop. But I’m so, so glad it’s in here, because:

My panties disintegrate.

I almost want to say that reading this entire series has been worth it, just for that line.

Almost.

My inner goddess is unleashed,

capaldi eyebrows
It occurs to me that it’s not that difficult to imagine Ana’s inner goddess saying “kinky fuckery” when she’s Malcolm fucking Tucker.

Then there’s a section break after Ana has an orgasm, and E.L. wedges “fair point well made” in there again like this is Dead Horse Fight Club, and Ana asks Christian if he misses BDSM. Well, she asks if he misses “it” because god forbid we use proper terms for anything.

He stills, gazing at me. “Sometimes,” he whispers.

Oh. “Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that,” I murmur and kiss him lightly on his lips, curling around him like a vine. Images of us together, in the playroom; the Tallis, the table, on the cross, shackled to the bed… I love his kinky fuckery– our kinky fuckery. Yes. I can do that stuff. I can do that for him, with him. I can do that for me.

Notice how she first thinks, okay, I can endure this for him, before she thinks, oh, and hey, bonus, I kinda like that stuff, too? It’s not an accident. This entire series is founded on the principle that BDSM is gross, dirty, and wrong. It can only be sexy if you’re doing it not out of desire, but out of duty to Twu Wuv. Ana is allowed to enjoy BDSM because she doesn’t enjoy BDSM and isn’t choosing it for herself. Take away her agency, and it’s acceptable for her to enjoy sex.

Now, I try not to make a lot of connections between the author of a work and the work itself. But considering the fact that E.L. James wrote the biggest selling erotic book of all time and she can’t talk about the sex in the book in interviews unless she’s talking about how it helped other women… And let’s also think about the fact that this is Twilight fanfic and mirrors that series in every way except that whereas Bella wanted to join Edward’s world and become a vampire, Ana is repulsed by BDSM and resents joining Christian’s world as his sub, well… let’s just say I find E.L.’s attitude toward kink highly suspect. I’m not outright saying that she finds BDSM deviant, dirty, and wrong and she only used it to make a quick buck… but am I saying that I wouldn’t be shocked if she released a statement to that effect tomorrow.

After a break, Ana is working from home, because Christian won’t let her return to work. Get used to it, honey. She thinks about how Christian hasn’t taken her into the playroom since she used her safe word, and she hears him playing the piano in another part of the apartment. She sends him an email– greatest hits, remember– saying she’s awaiting instructions, then she goes to the bedroom, strips down, and kneels. When he comes in and finds her, he puts on his ripped jeans and takes her to the playroom, but not before he scolds her for “topping from the bottom.” Which is bullshit, because they’re not in a 24/7 D/s relationship, so initiating sex is just initiating sex. It doesn’t matter who does it.

Jeez… life is never going to be boring with Christian, and I’m in this for the long haul. I love this man: my husband, my lover, father of my child, my sometimes Dominant… my Fifty Shades.

And that’s it. Don’t get all weepy on me, now. We still have about fifty pages of epilogue, short story, and opposing POV to slog through, so stay tuned.

 

167 Comments

  1. “Jeez… life is never going to be boring with Christian, and I’m in this for the long haul. I love this man: my husband, my lover, father of my child, my sometimes Dominant… my Fifty Shades.”

    Of course, after page upon page of self-parody, the last paragraph of the (main part of the) book had to have “Jeez” in it. Of. Course.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  2. geckospots
    geckospots

    >My panties disintegrate.

    hahahaha AMAZING. I just… I mean, are we supposed to take that literally? Do they just turn into dust like a BTVS vampire? Do they melt? What the fuck, E.L.?

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
      • geckospots
        geckospots

        They’re pretty much Fruit Roll-ups so they would totally melt! And then get stuck to your lady- or gentleman-bits.

        Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh. D:

        (disclaimer: have not actually tried them myself.)

        January 4, 2014
        |Reply
        • Napalmnacey
          Napalmnacey

          Well *that* sounds like a one-way ticket to Yeast Infection Town.

          March 15, 2015
          |Reply
  3. Laina
    Laina

    I just spent five minutes before reading this ripping off my fake fingernails.

    I think I had more fun doing that than you did readng this.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  4. edwardsiangreysen
    edwardsiangreysen

    She is in it for the long haul it seems. Bleh, did you check out the forum in FFN, “Haters, baby” ? Its turning into a battlefield.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  5. Someone should have told that “walking hard-on” about this little hormone-reliever called MASTURBATION. I swear, he makes it sound like he just needed to get laid, like it’s some sort of right that minors are entitled to, and if they don’t get it, then thank goodness for pedophiles and ephebophiliacs.

    Back to reading. I just…I have this MAJOR pet peeve about people complaining about normal experiences as if it makes them so special that all bad behavior is excused.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
    • Okay, comments as I read: LOOPHOLE! His parents keeping him on a leash drove him nuts. Elena keeping him on a leash was wonderful.

      Also why on earth was she hiring Richie Rich to do her yardwork anyway?

      That bull about how she risked her life is what proves love? At one point that comes across like anyone willing to risk their lives for someone means that person is in love. So Catsuit Tuesdays must really be happening with Taylor, and every cop on the beat is in love with every person out there. And at another point, it comes off like Christian won’t accept anything less as proof of love. However we can’t forget that Ana is a deep victim of Stockholm at this point. She never becomes his equal in any way, and only embraces her “sub” role (just another word for abuse victim in this universe) because it means she gets hurt less.

      “And it took me back, that feeling of nothing being in my control.”

      We all go through that, and most of us don’t slam shit around and scare the hell out of those we ostensibly love. I hate how that prick is using his “need” to be in control of all things as an excuse to continue abusing her.

      I think Erika learned the definition of “Ironic” from the song. At least A&C didn’t have rain on their wedding day….

      “No one can make someone else be a good parent, no matter how hard they work at it.”

      The epilogue makes me furious, and is the only thing I really need to describe to people, two pieces specifically, that shows how awful these books are. You know them. The popsicle being sensuously sucked off a toddler’s fingers, and that nasty “She likes sex already” piece about their daughter. They are horrid parents, and from what we’ll see, they’re sexually abusive. Yeah, sucking popsicle off a toddler to arouse another adult is abuse. It’s making a child part of a sex game.

      “You’ve already volunteered more than I ever thought you would.”

      WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T BE MARRIED!! If you don’t think your SO will ever open up to you, then you don’t have an open and truly trusting relationship, and in fact can’t truly know the other person. “I didn’t think you’d ever tell me anything about yourself.” Great foundation for a marriage. That’s not even a foundation for a friendship.

      Something that burns me about this whole “let’s not talk about what we want from the future or anything” crap is that they really talked about nothing!! Not even kids! Warning for TMI: I’m in a relationship, and we don’t want a pregnancy right now, and aren’t even sure if we want a pregnancy in the future. It was NOT happy times a couple months ago when I had a positive pregnancy rest. So what are we doing right now? Going through a celibate period while reevaluating birth control, and talking yet again about what we’d do if I had a viable pregnancy. Not having sex with a sexy, attractive man whose in my bed every night isn’t fun, but it’s responsible until we get all our ducks in a row.

      And the thing is, children isn’t the ONLY thing those idiots neglected to talk about. They’ve talked about almost nothing. Ana is ONLY NOW learning some very basic things about his life. Yet we’re supposed to think they’ve truly been in love since the first book. I know more about Ian Somerhalder right now than she’s known about Christian, yet if I said I was in love with him, everyone I know would think, even if I was single, that I was nuts. Ana knows Christian less than many people know their favorite celebrities they’ve never met!!

      ““Hungry for what?” I whisper.”

      It’s official. Officially official. Ana is brain-damaged. She still doesn’t understand basic things about their excuse of a relationship. There’s no other explanation for how she can’t. This is beyond willful stupidity, and is more in the territory of not being capable.

      “Christian is really quite scary sometimes.”

      sigh. I need some wine.

      December 29, 2013
      |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        When you said Taylor having catsuit Tuesdays, all I could picture was Jason statham dressed as catwoman… And it was awesome.

        December 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • Shadow Knight
        Shadow Knight

        I read what you wrote about the epilogue and my mind shattered. Nope nope nope nope nope. Gonna nope all the way to Nopeland on my nopemobile, because today is Nopeday.

        December 31, 2013
        |Reply
      • Shadow Knight, I just had the same reaction as you.

        Alys – thanks for the warning. Instead of reading the recap while trying not to snort out loud/exclaim in horror in my cubicle I will be reading it in the evening – alone and with ample chemical fortification.

        December 31, 2013
        |Reply
      • Awesome Potatoes
        Awesome Potatoes

        … Nope o’clock on Nopeday, no less.

        January 1, 2014
        |Reply
  6. Mojitana
    Mojitana

    Almost….there…just..a..little..bit…..further.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
    • Petra47
      Petra47

      Bad imagery. Porkins never makes it and explodes in a fiery ball of death. I hope finishing this tripe doesn’t kill our Trout. 🙂

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
  7. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    You forgot to mention the title of the email “my husbands pleasure” because she only goes into the playroom for him. And also how he loves the title since it’s just for him.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  8. The Visine made me laugh. Also, if I had Photoshop skills, I’d be photoshopping a bottle of vodka into your hand in that last facepalm picture. It looks like you need it.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
    • Elisa
      Elisa

      “if I had Photoshop skills, I’d be photoshopping a bottle of vodka into your hand”

      Well, it’s by far not my best work, but here it is: http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x124/drebosy4eto/gag.jpg 😀

      Jen, great work! It’s amazing, that you (almost) made it through! I laughed so much at your last recap! Reading this pile of c**p and still preserving your sense of humour and writing abilities… you have superpowers, I must say! 🙂
      Have a Happy and 50SOG-less New year! Cheers! 🙂

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
    • Elisa
      Elisa

      Damn, I haven’t refreshed the page for a while and didn’t see that someone uploaded a picture before me. Oh, well…

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
  9. kg
    kg

    I think you need some kind of congressional medal for doing these recaps. Bless your heart.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  10. i have to say, I enjoyed your recap! I knew I didn’t like Fifty Shades and you explain my subconscious reasons why very well. Thank you!

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  11. 3TrickPony
    3TrickPony

    That was a low blow Trout. Associating the Heavenly Brows of Capaldi with the 50 shades shitshow…my vagina shrivels when I read about 50 shades but those brows give me feelings down there. You’re confusing my no-no parts!

    Also: HA! Dead Horse Fight Club!

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
    • Sarah
      Sarah

      InnerGoddess!Capaldi would work out what sexy things turned them on and wouldn’t settle for anything less.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
  12. Panties disintegrating is up there when she detonated on him. Her vagina is volatile.

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
    • Those long straight-out-of-thesaurus words sound exactly like ELJ style of writing:-D
      Even if it’s a ridiculous tragedy after Jenny’s done with the series I’m almost gonna miss it in a way. Glad we’ll still have Buffy.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • Lindsay
        Lindsay

        Ana is related to the Alien from Alien. Except instead of having super-acidic blood, she has super-acidic lady juices.

        December 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • Lindsay – I just had a fun little time imagining menstrual supplies made out of the stuff used to clean industrial spills, then sealed for disposal in big orange Hazmat buckets. Thanks for that.

        December 31, 2013
        |Reply
  13. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    lol @ this entire recap! The pict. of you holding the white flag up made me nearly fall off my couch because I was laughing so hard! 🙂

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  14. I am really going to miss your recaps, but I will not miss E.L. James atrocious attempt at whatever the fuck this was- a cash cow?

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  15. I’m really sad you didn’t find the picture of Ana’s Inner Goddess before now. Those eyebrows would have made the whole experience a lot more palatable!

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  16. Georgiana
    Georgiana

    Doctor Who fan girl squee!!!

    I noticed that, because this is greatest hits, his eyes darkened. But no smoldering. Jacen’s eyes just don’t do any of this shit. *smh*

    December 29, 2013
    |Reply
  17. Tracey
    Tracey

    OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MOH MY GOD

    Please write something about an alpha male sub OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. It’s not really my thing (clearly) but the thought is so hot. Oh GOD!!! Please Jenny Pleaseeeeee??!

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Seconded! Can he be bi? The Hook-Up was great – became my most recent go-to for “why is he taking so long to get ready? Must stay in mood and not be distracted by internet”

      December 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        *flails* yes and bi or hell even gay.

        I just want alpha male sub.

        January 3, 2014
        |Reply
    • Anonymous
      Anonymous

      YEAH I WOULD TOTALLY READ THE
      SHIT OUT OF THAT IF YOU WROTE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER.

      DOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIT

      January 3, 2014
      |Reply
  18. Wait-… does their “new neighbor” Noah Logan ever become relevant to this story?! I’ve been waiting for some sort of point to his existence since he entered the story! And, wait, do Mia and Ethan ever get together (well, forget that, because Jasper and Alice do, so the fanfic readers would never have to actually consider that……) I just… Wow. Just. Wow.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Alex
      Alex

      I think the only reason he existed was to let in Jack Hyde. That was it. And of course he had to be named and everything, because that’s what James does, adding way too much detail about people who aren’t important to the plot.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      THANK YOU! Noah Logan’s been bugging me forever. Seriously. What was the point of him?

      January 7, 2014
      |Reply
      • April
        April

        Obviously the point of Noah Logan was for there to be one more man that wants Ana (in Christian’s head)

        January 7, 2014
        |Reply
  19. What a pleasure see that you wrote another recap. It is less of a pleasure knowing how horrible and repetitive these books are. Almost done and then onto more pleasurable pursuits.

    I love how you try and find logic in whatever the fuck that explanation of Christian’s move from sub to dom was. And do write the alpha male sub story! I hear they exist in real life a lot.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  20. CJ
    CJ

    You know, when I first heard of this, I actually thought it was going to be femdom. I was severely disappointed when it wasn’t. Really, I am 99% sure that Edward actually calls himself a masochist in the Twilight books. There’s this ongoing thing about how she’s the lamb to his lion, and he says it has to be an awfully masochistic lion, because, you know, he’s feeling all this hunger whenever he’s around her, yet he keeps going around her and causing himself pain and falls in love with her because of that.

    …I know this because I read the books when I was like 12 or 13, I didn’t know what masochism was, and that caused me to look it up, which kind of left an impression.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • E: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

      B: What a stupid lamb.

      E: What a masochistic lion.

      I must now stand in a corner with my head hung in shame for knowing that exact quote. I hate Twilight.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • CJ
        CJ

        Ah, well thank you for the clarification. I’m not sure if that’s quite as meaningful as how I thought it was, but I still stand by my opinion that he’s at least a little masochistic based on what I read of Midnight Sun (I think that’s what it was called?). Then again, I read that years ago, so…I could be entirely wrong.

        …I’m right there with you, with the hanging head in shame and all.

        December 30, 2013
        |Reply
    • Maria
      Maria

      Masochism doesn’t necessarily mean submission, though this book would have probably been more interesting if it was femdom.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • CJ
        CJ

        Sorry about that, I wasn’t entirely sure what the correct term was. …I am still somewhat tempted to write fanfiction of this but have it be Christian trying to get Ana to be a top (be it in terms of D/s, S/M, or both).

        December 30, 2013
        |Reply
      • Tango
        Tango

        Or better still, have her desire to be a top/dominant before she even meets him! Because women’s sexuality doesn’t have to be all about trying to please their partners! Sorry, a little touchy about this – in an F/m relationship myself, and resent the idea everyone comes up with when they hear about it – that he persuaded me into it. No, doesn’t always have to be like that!

        January 2, 2014
        |Reply
      • Tango
        Tango

        Also I would pay good money for an alpha sub male romance novel – heck, any sub male romance novel. The only ones I’ve found even close to what I’m into tend to have disappointing endings, like – he was Dominant all along! – and it’s depressing to look at the ‘erotic fiction/50SG clones’ shelves and find nothing that really appeals.

        January 2, 2014
        |Reply
      • CJ
        CJ

        Tango: Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that, though looking back it does sort of of sound like it. I was just trying to go along with 50SoG’s whole…thing (experienced guy meets inexperienced girl, so on and so forth) and just change the roles.

        Of course, if it was more Twilight fanfic, and we still went with BDSM as representing vampirism, then it would be more that AnaBella discovers it through Chedward and is about 500 times more enthusiastic about it than him. That would still require her meeting him, but… Well actually, since in Twilight she sort of has some shield powers before she becomes a vampire, I guess it would be accurate to have her already want to be dominant, but not know anything about doms, and not know what any of it meant. I don’t mean that women generally don’t understand their own sexualities, just that AnaBella doesn’t seem aware of either BDSM or vampires in either of the series, so this would just be to stay with that. Of course, if I already plan to change the roles, I could also change how the plot generally goes, but by then it wouldn’t really be fanfiction anymore…

        Now, if someone wanted to write their own, original fiction, then by all means please do make those changes, because it would be great to see.

        January 2, 2014
        |Reply
  21. Bethany
    Bethany

    I just want to smack anyone who says anything good about this book.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  22. This series makes the world a shittier place. Congrats, E.L. That’s all on you.

    I’m going to have nightmares these books come alive and beat me to death without leaving any bruises. It’s my word against theirs and this is bestselling fiction so why would it lie? Fifty’s above reproach, yo.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  23. Jemmy
    Jemmy

    I just want to say that I found a copy of an ultrasound printout in my purse not long ago, and my bub is 20 months old <.< I keep that sort of stuff.

    While I'll miss the recaps, I'm glad it's almost over. It is a horrible thing to read and I'm kind of sorry we made you do it.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  24. Lieke
    Lieke

    How can people read this and be convinced that Christian has changed? He clearly hasn’t. Ana’s just gotten better at deluding herself that he has. And shit does not get resolved, ever.

    Almost over. Hallelujah.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  25. maitriscraps
    maitriscraps

    When did Ana get a “smart mouth” ? Did I miss that part in the entire book series?

    Also is anyone else entertained by the horrid mop of hair on top of Dakota Johnson’s head in the pictures of them filming the 50 Shades movie? She’s supposed to be oh-so-damn-beautiful but her head is covered in uncombed brown straw.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • FSF, chapter 3:

      “My body is so different these days. It’s changed subtly since I’ve known him. . . . my hair is glossy and well cut. . . . For the first time in my life, I’m well groomed . . .”

      What we’re supposed to take from this is that up until Ana married King Jerkface, she was, if not completely unbathed, ignorant of basic hair maintenance principles. Think of her as Eliza Doolittle with Ben Wa balls.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • manybellsdown
        manybellsdown

        Your last line made me snort so hard I hurt myself. Also now the three men in my house are staring at me and I am so not going to explain.

        December 30, 2013
        |Reply
  26. V
    V

    1) I hate to give this book even one iota of credit, but I’m the same age as Chedward and I actually do say “my folks.” Ugh. Now I have to remove that word from my vocabulary.

    2) I would read SO VERY MANY BOOKS about an alpha male sub.

    3) As much as I adore your recaps, I’m relieved for both your sake and ours that this is pretty much over. The sheer levels of grim slog have really been coming through in the last few recaps. It’s not funny anymore, it’s just frustrating and infuriating and sad. Kudos for sticking with it, but I’m glad you get to stop soon.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      I’m 30 and say “my folks” too. I also say “folks” to refer generally to other people. Buuuuuuuuut I’m semi-often called out for using such an old-fashioned or just plain ridiculous term, so there’s that.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
    • I wonder if it’s a regional thing as much as age. But I don’t know what region it would be. Anyway, I just say “my parents”, and I’m almost an old fart at 42.

      January 3, 2014
      |Reply
      • I would be tempted to attribute it to a rural vs urban/suburban dialect thing, rather than a specific region. But it could be both. Could be a thing in the more rural-y areas of the south and maybe mid-west?
        This could also be my own perception since I’m from Texas which isn’t quite The South but isn’t quite the mid-west either and where I grew up was kind of in between rural and suburban (but on the edge of a major city).

        Hmmmm… I’m tempted to do a little informal poll on Facebook or a message board or something. Curious.

        January 7, 2014
        |Reply
  27. Rosa Hämäläinen
    Rosa Hämäläinen

    For my part, I’m so happy you stuck with it till the end! I was kinda interested to see what the fuss was about but – thanks to you – I didn’t have to torture myself by reading this series, let alone endorse it by paying for that hunk of shit. And your recaps have been so funny and entertaining, I’m almost sad it’s over. Almost.

    Also, “My panties disintegrate.” Wow. This is truly the very best of contemporary literature! The only thing that’s shocking about these sex scenes is how stupid they are. And juvenile. I’m almost intrigued to see what the world looks like from Chedward’s point of view. I bet he’ll be all like “I want to touch her…. down there!”

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  28. Lindsay
    Lindsay

    “So, consolidate the shares into GEH, then fire the board… except the CEO… I don’t give a fuck… I hear you, just do it… thank you… keep me informed.”

    This sentence goes to show that E.L. did zero research on how business actually works. Literally nothing in it makes sense! I think E.L. just went, shares! Board! CEO! Those are business words that I have a minimalist understanding of! Let’s throw them into a sentence because Christian is a BUSINESS person.

    Alternatively I am coming to believe more and more the theory that Christian actually has no power at all in his businesses and his daddy pulls all the strings but tells Christian that yes, he’s a very important business person, and yes, all those orders he’s giving are DEFINITELY doing something. This also makes sense because it would explain how Ana’s company is also still running (because she doesn’t actually own it) despite the fact that she has ZERO background in business and never even spends any time there.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Even if businesses worked the way James think they do it still doesn’t make sense. If the company was founded by Elena’s husband isn’t he most likely the CEO? What did the rest of the board do to deserve being fired? Wouldn’t it make sense to fire him from his own company instead of the board? If he’s not the CEO then why not fire everyone? Why keep only the CEO? I don’t get it.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • I kind of assumed (from the “he’ll look like an idiot” line) that maybe Elena’s husband was the CEO and by firing the rest of the board it looks like Elena’s husband went crazy and fired his board and now the stock price will plummet and people will think he’s crazy or something? I realize there’s an awful lot of holes in that explanation, but I still haven’t come up with a better one.

        Unless the CEO was an Only Sane Man chosen by Christian and the rest of the board was Elena’s husband and his buddies? I have no idea why that would be the case, but again with the ELJ being crazy.

        I’d say it would help if we knew what GEH was, but we know perfectly well that it wouldn’t.

        January 10, 2014
        |Reply
  29. lily
    lily

    That has to be the least satisfying end to a series that I’ve ever read. Like what is the point of repeating all this info that we already know!? I guess I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up given that everything ahout these books is mediocre, but still.

    Btw I think I laughed for about ten thousand years at “Dead Horse Fight Club.” And Capaldi as the inner goddess is perfect xD

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  30. Alex
    Alex

    “WHY IS SHE ALWAYS STARTLED WHEN SHE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS?”

    Because every night, she dreams of the day on which Christian Grey finally goes too far and kills her.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  31. Ah, finish lines are nice. Thete is something reassuring that the end of the series is as much a let down as all the books combined.

    Jenny, thank you. And here is the first installment of FIFTY SHADES OF WTF

    Because my daughter is sick and wanted me to babysit her dolls.

    Poor Barbie.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  32. Amber
    Amber

    You’re a true fighter. I just picture you in a ring, throwing down the books and screaming, “Are you not entertained?!” You have sacrificed for us. I salute you.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Shadow Knight
      Shadow Knight

      We should never let your sacrifice be forgotten, Madam Trout.

      /salute

      December 31, 2013
      |Reply
    • Lieke
      Lieke

      I third that salute. (And love a Gladiator reference)

      December 31, 2013
      |Reply
  33. “Because she went to the Daytime Soaps School of Nonsensical Seduction.” – Yessss.

    “So, what this is telling me is that I need to write an alpha male sub, because these mythic creatures can exist and be, gasp, sexy.” – Please do! (When you aren’t working on plenty of other projects.)

    “she’s the kind of person who watched Titanic and was shocked when the boat sank.” – This is going to be my new way of calling someone dumb.

    “It should have a fedora on the fucking cover.” – I liked this more than I should have.

    [Both photos of tie-dyed annoyance/defeat] – You look really cute!

    “How does she not just projectile vomit all over the tile backsplash?” – Your humor is the only thing preventing me from doing the same when it comes to these recaps.

    “I’m surprised nobody’s written a fanfic wherein Bella Swan finds a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and reads it The Neverending Story style, gasping and flushing every time she recognizes that she is, in fact, a part of the story.” – I WOULD READ THE FUCK OUT OF THIS

    “‘Hungry for what?’ I whisper.” – *cries* This reads like teenagers sexting.

    “Fair point well made, Mrs. Grey.” – gjdfiogj;fldkgj THIS FUCKING BOOK

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  34. Maria
    Maria

    It’s highly unlikely the Christian can fire any board regardless of his shares. Like if this company is set up like any other, he can’t do jack about the board until elections.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  35. SandorClegane13
    SandorClegane13

    What really gets under my skin about this whole series is how self aware it’s not. I am all for literature and art and film delving into the worst part of the human condition. My favourite stories have all kinds of problematic shit going on. But I like it to be self-aware. All James would have had to do was replace ‘romance’ with ‘erotic horror’, acknowledge the triggers, and give a clear DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME message. If the readers still chose to see it as romantic… well you can tell the buyer it’s a cup of horse piss but if they truly want it to be lemonade there’s not much you can do. The biggest problem is that even James seems to believe she’s selling lemonade at her horse piss stand. That and the plagiarism. As little respect as I have for Meyer, she doesn’t deserve to have her copyrighted material turned into a cash cow with no credit, say, and/or cut of the profits.

    I know it’s been a grind (to put it very lightly) for you to get through all these recaps, but I have greatly enjoyed reading them. Not only did it spare me from reading the books whilst giving me all the ammo I need to explain why the series is shit, but your analysis has taught me many lessons that I can reflect on for my own writing. It’s just a hobby for me, but the new self awareness has caused me to take more care in how I present problematic and triggering themes. For that, I’m extremely grateful and want to thank you. 🙂

    Good luck with the rest of the recapping. Honestly I don’t think anyone would hold it against you (I sure wouldn’t!) if you decided to say screw it and leave it here!

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      I’ve said this before on here but if Ched was a binman with no money, this would be winning awards as a brave and insightful portrait of the mindset of a female victim of domestic abuse, and people would be saying how cleverly she’s described the way Ched picks her for her limited intelligence and the techniques he uses to gaslight her.

      December 31, 2013
      |Reply
  36. Alison
    Alison

    Love your Doctor Who bunting!

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  37. Dracon Ra
    Dracon Ra

    So, should I ever be confident enough with my writing, not gonna happen…, some of you would be interested in reading about this character:
    Imagine Conan, (Jason Momoa, he’s sexy as hell), fighter, killer, Bad ass, being a gay, submissive bottom…
    And a shape shifting Dragon, cause, I love Dragons 😉

    And, while I’m here, thank you Jen, for enduring this, so we don’t have to.
    Just reading the recaps made me want to get drunk, and I don’t drink, ever…

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Anonymous
      Anonymous

      Oh wow! That would be amazing. That man makes my panties disappear. Not sure about the dragon, but I like the start of your train of thought!

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
      • Dracon Ra
        Dracon Ra

        Well, I have the story, about 130.000 Words, needs a lot work until it could be published, if ever.
        And, another drawback, in German.
        I am coming up with storys about my dragons since … as long as I can remember. But writing, never felt like it. Until last year a friend wanted to know what’s going on in my head. It was more fun than I imagined it to be, and really liberating. So I’ll keep writing, but I need practice, and I mean lots of it 😉

        December 30, 2013
        |Reply
    • Shadow Knight
      Shadow Knight

      For the love of all that is holy, we need more depictions of gay men (particularly subs and bottoms) like that. I sincerely hope you publish it and inspire more people to cast off the yoke of heteronormativity and sexism.

      December 31, 2013
      |Reply
      • Dracon Ra
        Dracon Ra

        I guess that’s true, but a character like that needs to be extremely well written, and I don’t think I’m good enough, yet.
        I mean, remember the part of 50 Shades when Chedward submits to Ana: “Oh my god, that strong man submitting, such a horrible sight!”
        And this is probably what most people would think.
        So, creating a character who is manly, strong and submissive, you have to do it right.
        Meaning well and failing would probably do more harm than it would help.

        January 1, 2014
        |Reply
      • Dracon Ra
        Dracon Ra

        *Headdesk* Sometimes, I just don’t like being right…
        Today I’ve met a friend, she’s the one that got me to writing. So I told her I’m writing something about an “Alpha-Male-Sub”.
        She thinks great, this will be really funny…. Because, an “Alpha Male Sub”, that has to be comedy, right? *facepalm*
        Doesn’t matter, it just means I have to put more effort into it, to just get it right.
        It’s supposed to be a love story. And probably a good test for my writing skills.

        January 9, 2014
        |Reply
  38. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I think if I’ll ever hear someone say “Fair point well made”, I will scream. I’m sick of that phrase.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  39. Ilex
    Ilex

    Mrs. Jones never left the kitchen.

    I just hope that poor woman gets paid a really good salary.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      And that her health benefits package includes free mental health and psychiatric care. …and that she can see the doctor/therapist/health professional of her choosing because we all know the kind of shitty taste Christian has in psychiatrists.

      December 30, 2013
      |Reply
    • Anonymous
      Anonymous

      I’ve thought all along, there is no amount of money that would get me to work for these asses. The bastard pitched a USED CONDOM ON THE FRIGGING FLOOR in the first book. He implied she cleaned butt plugs. And they are simply gross to be around. Ugh.

      January 1, 2014
      |Reply
      • Sassy
        Sassy

        Don’t forget the cooter balls in Ana’s purse!

        Grossest. People. Ever.

        January 2, 2014
        |Reply
      • laina1312
        laina1312

        I hate my brain SO MUCH for remembering this, but didn’t Chedward once put a used condom in his POCKET? I imagine he doesn’t do his own laundry.

        January 2, 2014
        |Reply
  40. ednaz
    ednaz

    Thank You for finishing this awful book. You are awesome.
    That is all.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  41. manybellsdown
    manybellsdown

    ” how I feel every time I even accidentally glance at the number 50 in any context.”

    My new sewing machine has “Fifty Stitches” emblazoned across the bottom in fancy cursive. Every damn time I glance at it I think it says “Fifty Shades” and I’ve somehow bought some sort of shitty bondage machine. Although it also says “Project Runway” so maybe I did? I don’t actually watch that show.

    December 30, 2013
    |Reply
  42. Okay, so the easily-startled thing (and the “How Very Dare You!” comments) got me thinking about the Easily Startled Woman from the Catherine Tate Show.

    For those of you not in the know, *this* is how I’m now picturing Ana in every situation:

    December 31, 2013
    |Reply
    • Lieke
      Lieke

      The Catherine Tate Show is wonderful. My personal favourites are the ‘Am I bothered? I’m not bothered, though’ sketches. There’s a great one she did for Comic Relief which starred David Tennant and some Doctor Who hilarity.

      December 31, 2013
      |Reply
  43. Rakka
    Rakka

    I salute you for having endured such horrors for us.

    December 31, 2013
    |Reply
  44. Sophie
    Sophie

    re the alpha male (heterosexual) sub – what interests me is that although we don’t have many characters who fit this bill, fiction seems to be full of dominatrices – I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen characters called ‘Mistress Pain’ etc introduced for one episode of a show, ordering men around and speaking in titillating double entendres. I think it’s well established in fiction that there are male straight subs.

    Of course, they themselves are only there by implication, since we’re looking at the dominatrices and their outfits and their accessories and if we see anything of them, it’s from the implied point of view of how they’re supposed to want to be treated by their dominatrix – ie, if we see them, we see them as insignificant, a bit pathetic. This viewpoint isn’t confined to how they might be constructing an identity as part of sex of course, it’s not usually that subtle, it’s often just, tee-hee, this guy pays this woman to yell at him and spank him. (And the fact that the dominatrices we see on TV are often sex workers is another part of it, of course, we’re not presented with the idea that it can be part of a relationship, rather it’s always something external to it, with the implication that the men can’t ask their actual partners to participate, etc, or other ELJ style prejudice)

    It’s just interesting that we are absolutely comfortable with the idea that there are male subs, it’s presented to us all the time, but you’re right in that we rarely see them themselves.

    December 31, 2013
    |Reply
    • Wasn’t Gil Grissom from CSI Las Vegas a male (heterosexual) sub? Or at least it was implied? It’s been a while since I watched that show, but there was a reoccurring dominatrix character that he interacted with that sort of suggested he’d be into subbing.

      Of course I could be totally mis-remembering this.

      December 31, 2013
      |Reply
    • Tango
      Tango

      The best example I can think of is Wash in Firefly – portrayed as being submissive to Zoe but a strong character in his own right, and not a villain either. Male heterosexual sub characters are very rare in shows. I don’t think most people are actually comfortable with them – it’s why they aren’t shown. They break the mould more than female dominants do, because female dominants can still be portrayed as performing for a male audience and being conventionally feminine and sexy and maybe secretly sub so not really threatening (eg Irene Adler, ugh ugh ugh). Male submissives threaten all kinds of ingrained ideas about masculinity and tend to freak people out. This is true in the Scene and the wider world as well as in fiction, and all kinds of things have been written about it. Eg the famous post ‘the cost of devaluing male submission’ at Lab Coats and Lingerie. Before MayMay went kinda strange he also wrote a lot of valuable things about how the media portrays male submission, and how it hurts male subs and female doms alike.

      January 4, 2014
      |Reply
  45. Shadow Knight
    Shadow Knight

    I just can’t with this book. I just can’t. I have lost the ability to can, but not in a good way. In a tired, “strength has left my body” kind of way.

    December 31, 2013
    |Reply
  46. “Already? Isn’t she like ten weeks pregnant or something? I got to twelve weeks before I even knew I was pregnant with my first baby. I even lost weight.”

    *raises hand* My belly was showing and my boobs grew a cup size in the time it took to be six weeks pregnant (four weeks gestationally), so it’s definitely possible. Plus I was only 110 – 115 lbs beforehand, and Ana’s supposed to be super skinny, so maybe that’s just how it goes. Or maybe I was just pregnant with demon spawn, like AnaBella.

    January 1, 2014
    |Reply
    • Yeah, I think this is one of those things where every woman is different.
      I had to buy my first pair of maternity jeans at 8 or 9 weeks. Around that time if I was wearing a tank top or something, people that saw me often could tell something was different about my belly. But, once I got in to the 2nd trimester my belly just kind of stopped growing much. I had such a small pregnant belly that the first (and second, and third) time a stranger asked me if I was pregnant was the day before my son was born (at 37 weeks). Every one that asked expressed surprise saying they’d expected me to say I was 3 months along or so.

      On the flip side a good friend of mine, when she was pregnant, her figure didn’t change at all until I want to say mid-way through the 2nd semester. She went from nothing to looking like she was walking around with a volleyball under her shirt seemingly overnight.

      Also, I haven’t read the chapter, just the recap (so please, oh please correct me if I’m wrong! I really hate defending 50SoG), but I got the impression Christian made the comment about her body changing while touching her. I know my husband could feel the differences in my body more that he could see them. In some ways he could feel them more than I could. Not the internal, stuff, of course, but he could tell if my breasts were tender without me telling him based on how they felt and how big they were. And he liked feeling the hard spot in my belly. I’ve always been on the curvy, plus-size side, so having a hard lump in my belly, and eventually an entirely hard belly, was interesting and very different.

      So, I don’t think Christian commenting on her body changing is that unrealistic.

      January 7, 2014
      |Reply
  47. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you again for sacrificing your precious brain cells in order to do these recaps.

    I chuckled with the pic of you waving your white flag. Can’t tell you the number of times I was tempted to do that myself, particularly when I read the series the first time.

    Maybe it’s been mentioned before, but why has Stephanie Meyer never sued E.L James for plagerizing her story? Or is she that flattered by E.L’s fanfic (although I thought I read that James didn’t like the Twilight series)? All I can say is that if E.L James thought her fanfic would look better than Meyer’s Twilight, she failed. She was successful at making her series look worse than Meyer’s series.

    I hate to admit that I’m 31, and I sometimes I refer to my parents as “my folks”. I don’t do it often though.

    I have a small issue throughout the series at how they keep referring to each other as “Mrs. Grey” and “Mr. Grey”…seriously, is this the 18th century? Also, who the fuck does that nowadays in a marriage? Let alone, a relationship?

    Regarding Christian’s comment about how Ana’s body changed so much in a short amount of time….did five to six weeks really pass from when Ana found out she was pregnant and told Christian about it? I thought only a couple days or a week passed that she was in the hospital after she tried to save Mia from Jack? Either way…I agree with you. There was no major change to my body in the first trimester that indicated I was gaining weight or that I was pregnant. In fact, unless I said anything to anyone, no one knew I was. I even asked my SO at the beginning of the second trimester if I looked any different and he said I didn’t. Then again, I guess pregnancy and how a woman looks works differently for each woman. However, I lost weight in the first trimester because I either threw up a lot (not till a dangerous point) or didn’t want to eat since I developed a huge aversion to food where I had to force myself to eat.

    Look foward to what you’re going to say in the recaps about the epilogue and the other pointless shit that follows (like Christian’s pov).

    Btw, did you ever see that link I gave you where it’s Mrs. Brown reading a copy of FSOG with a shocked expression on her face when I commented on the last chapter? You’re free to use it in future recaps.

    January 2, 2014
    |Reply
  48. She slapped him then kissed him then slapped himself again? Is this what James considers “BDSM”? That sounds like a low budget Spanish telenovella.

    I am a Domme like Tango and I feel like we need more representation of male (heterosexual) submissives in fiction. The idea of femdom appears on the periphery of modern media, especially in crime drama, where BDSM is rarely portrayed in a positive light. If female Dominants are present, they are often treated as somewhat of a joke like: “Haha, those men like women in charge? What freaks!” In novels and comics they are usually dominant only until a more dominant male “sets them straight” by fucking them. Personally, I think contemporary romance readers haven’t really been exposed to good sub!male fiction and a couple good heroes would really change the game!

    I hate these dumb novels. I mean, they’re not even faithful to the source material when it comes to characters. Jose was literally only included to be the jerk who tried to break Ana and Christian up. Plus, Ana’s irrational hatred for women is really upsetting after a while. It’s a good thing ELJ had boys because she would have treated a girl like shit. I mean Ana even hates MIA, who is Alice who Bella loved. I guess that must be why the novels are sooooooo different.

    Did I mention how much I hate the way this book treats mental health professionals? I’m a Psychology major and it pisses me off to see such a popular book make a mockery of my future career!

    PS. Grissom wasn’t a submissive. He was friends with Lady Heather, a madame of a BDSM club he met through the case. A case that involved a “henpecked” husband who hated being the submissive party in his marriage to his intelligent and powerful wife ~SO~ much that he beat the shit out of subs who looked like her and killed one.

    January 2, 2014
    |Reply
  49. supersheep
    supersheep

    Now I really want a cracky 50 Shades movie adaptation with the focus on Peter Capaldi as the Inner Fucking Goddess.

    January 2, 2014
    |Reply
  50. I’m glad I read your version instead of the actual book. Wow! Wasn’t 50 Shades written originally as Twilight Fan-fic? And she had to change the name in order to publish it?

    January 2, 2014
    |Reply
  51. Amy
    Amy

    “Dead Horse Fight Club”. Best line. Ever.

    January 2, 2014
    |Reply
  52. I know when I am awakened by a typical loud buzzy alarm clock, I can feel momentarily frightened. So I use a clock radio set to music instead. Turned up pretty loud, so that I will wake up but still it’s less startling than a buzz or beep.

    Maybe Ana has a similar problem, but either isn’t smart enough to think of a clock radio, or Christian just forbids her to get one because he likes to see her wake up scared.

    January 3, 2014
    |Reply
    • laina1312
      laina1312

      Actually, you know, me too. This is why I have a frog alarm. I think it’s just because you wake up so suddenly. Like waking up to a fire alarm.

      The other night, I was listening to WTNV and my laptop slammed shut and I almost died XD

      January 3, 2014
      |Reply
      • laina1312
        laina1312

        Yup. It’s green and has a picture of a frog on the face. Ribbits when it goes off. I have a cow one, too, but the mooing was kind of freaky to wake up to.

        January 3, 2014
        |Reply
  53. April
    April

    omg…you waving the white flag of surrender has me giggling into my pillow to not wake the household!!!

    I never waved a flag but I did throw my library book across the couch many times reading this series because I had been told “omg, these books are so good!!!

    January 3, 2014
    |Reply
  54. alexandra
    alexandra

    Sooo… Basically….. It had no ending. There was no new information in there at all. Dammit! I’m getting off this train here, thanks. Thank you for soldiering through for us Jen, but I’m gonna pass on the prologue and the (dear god why does it exist) Chedward chapter.

    January 3, 2014
    |Reply
  55. Magnificent. Absolutely magnificent recaps. Thank you for taking the time to read them so I don’t have to. I have read each one with much laughing. Sorry for lurking until now.

    I love the bit about the MRA manifesto. So true. Why is the rich Chedward doing yard work any way? Wasn’t his father a doctor and made enough to send him to Harvard (to drop out)? Why didn’t Linc Lincoln, rich CEO type hire some professionals and not some teenager for a CEO’s huge lawn?

    Oh, and I know you’ve wondered about the whole CEO papparazzi and some of the stupid storylines that make no sense in this book. I wondered where they all came from until I watched “Cosmopolis” which features RPattz. It has a CEO being followed by papparazzi and Taylor the bodyguard (which is why the character seems interesting – he’s stolen from someone who can create interesting characters). 50 Shades is like a terrible mashup of two movies RPattz was in – Twilight and Cosmopolis.

    January 4, 2014
    |Reply
    • That is fascinating! It makes me so happy to know that. I’m not even sure why.

      January 10, 2014
      |Reply
  56. Kat
    Kat

    “WHY IS SHE ALWAYS STARTLED WHEN SHE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS?”

    Fifty (ha!) bucks says it’s because she’s startled that she’s waking up at all, as I kept expecting someone to kill her in her sleep. Either Christian because that’s his MO or anyone who knew her, because she’s awful.

    January 5, 2014
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      Lol. That’s exactly what I was thinking too.

      January 6, 2014
      |Reply
  57. Nim
    Nim

    “So, what this is telling me is that I need to
    write an alpha male sub, because these mythic
    creatures can exist and be, gasp, sexy.”

    YESYESYES!

    January 5, 2014
    |Reply
    • WendyNerd
      WendyNerd

      Embarrassed to admit this, but one of my favorite side projects is a Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones fanfic where Robb Stark is a sub. Lots of scenes where he comes back from battle having just wiped out about fifty Lannisters, then immediately gets to his knees while his medic cleans him up. Then assorted sexy times followed by in-depth battle descriptions and war plans. There’s doctor/patient play and he likes getting slapped around a bit and basically does as he’s bid. Gives him a reprieve from having to be the big strong warrior king all of the time. And then he goes back to cussing out Edmure Tully for driving Gregor Clegane out of the Riverlands.

      January 10, 2014
      |Reply
      • Tango
        Tango

        *revisits the thread* I would read the heck out of this! Is it posted anywhere? Still a WIP?

        March 20, 2014
        |Reply
  58. The popsicle being sensuously sucked off a toddler’s fingers

    Ewwwwww, seriously? I’ve seen some weird stuff on the internet, but this squicks me out beyond belief.

    January 5, 2014
    |Reply
  59. The-Great-Dragon
    The-Great-Dragon

    You know, maybe it’s your talent as a writer or maybe it’s just the time between recaps (and maybe it’s just a combination of both) but I never realized quite how bad these books are. I mean damn.

    This was seriously so repetitive. Damn.

    January 7, 2014
    |Reply
  60. I love your tie-dye shirt, Jen 😀 Also um, at the risk of displaying my cinematic ignorance, can anyone tell me what film that screencap is from? The one with the horse in the river?

    January 7, 2014
    |Reply
  61. look, we are being very unfair to this -sorry, those!- books. There are great things there, like:
    1/Anabella uses the pill and not like in any other American story a diaphragm (even in Sex and the City, yes, Caqrrie had one, which got stuck one evening, remember?). That is modern, no? of course, it probably is because ELJames is British, and no one has ever heard of diaphragms except in North America. But still, one plus point.
    2/sure, you have to buy 3 books, but you get a Harlequin super romance (the greatest love story) a Harlequin suspense (Jack Hyde threatening everybody) and allegedly a very exciting erotica book (I must type that fast, as I am still wondering who can find that stuff exciting). So, you pay for 3, but you get 3 different thrills.
    3/you can get it for free on readanybook.net. Otherwise, I would only have read your comments, which make the book worth it. If that plagiarism of Twilight had not been written, you could not have blogged about it, and a lot of laughs would have been lost.
    4/I have learned stuff about Seattle, the top condos there, the airline schedules across the US, etc. Not so bad.
    5/I never managed to read or watch Twilight, and finally understood the story because of your blog.
    6/Who are we to discuss the most fantastic coup in the publishing world in the past … 50 years? if that piece of crap sold 60,000,000 copies… why cannot we do the same? it is so badly written my cat would do better, it uses a vocabulary a 5th grader masters (down there, go south, wow, holy shit, double crap, etc). If that …thing sold, anything can. So, what are we waiting for?
    I am sure I would find at least 20 things I learned reading 50 shades. I just need to take some time to do it.
    But what about you, all the persons who read this blog? what did you learn? I would like to read it!
    By the way, the book’s title is not bad. Probably the best and most intriguing part of it all.

    January 8, 2014
    |Reply
    • Dracon Ra
      Dracon Ra

      As someone who started writing two years ago, I learned a lot through those recaps. I didn’t read the books. The German translation is supposed to be slightly better, but still, no way.
      So, what did I learn? It’s a perfect bad example, what’s not to do when writing. Learn what’s wrong and try to make it better. Very helpful.

      In my own story, I have a gay, Alpha male sub, the books made me realize that I will need to build that character very careful. I want the reader to see him as the strong man he is, and not just a parody of a strong man.

      Since I need a lot of practice, I started something new, straight, well Bi, Alpha Male Sub, I prefer writing fantasy, but since the alpha male sub is not a fairytale creature, it’s just a boy meets girl love story, set in my old hometown, I love creating new characters and I really have a lot of fun with this new story. And without this blog and the comments, I wouldn’t have done it. So thank you.

      The thing about fifty shades that really, really annoys me? Simple, the bad writing and the bad example it sets for other writers.
      My friends love the Sci-Fi/Fantasy-Story I have written, and don’t understand why I won’t publish it.
      Every time I say: “But my writing is not good enough!”
      They say:” But fifty Shades!”
      And I hate it!
      Yes, that badly written parody of a book sold millions of copies, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t have standards about my writing. I don’t want to be a joke, I don’t want the Story I love so much, that is in my head for over 20 years, to be ruined by my bad writing. So just being “not as bad as fifty shades” is not really the quality I want to achieve.

      So, rant over, back to my Alpha male sub.
      And his beautiful vintage Mercedes, since Chedward drives such a boring car, I started with looking at pictures of beautiful cars. That alone was worth it, so again, thank you for the inspiration.

      January 8, 2014
      |Reply
      • I totally agree with you. Honestly, if the book had been a Harlequin one, and I would have read it by chance, I would have thought there was an idea, but so poorly used that it should be easy to make it 100 times better. But,,, let us face it, people jumped on it. I am trying to understand why, and I cannot. Christian plays the same part as Mr Big in Sex and the City, the successful businessman, who decides everything. Abuse? honestly, not anymore than in 90% of North American couples, where the guy picks up everything, from the tv program they watch to the restaurant they go to, and the proper clothes his wife wears, plus of course the time to have sex. So, maybe it is the romantic abuse which made women melt. Ana does not have any decisions to make, no responsability, he just says so and she agrees. And she is deliriously happy to do so, for him. The Florence Nightingale complex.
        One thing is sure, the level of writing enables kids older than 8 or 9 to understand the book. No Margaret Atwood, or even John Grisham, no James Joyce or even Pat Conroy.
        It is a very badly written Danielle Steel, with some mommy porn. Maybe that is what American women were waiting for.
        So far, I am waiting to find one of my acquaintances who liked the book. They all pretend not to understand its success. Liars? it can be. oh, well…
        One thing is sure, she is set for life…. and can spend all the time she wants to try to write better.

        January 9, 2014
        |Reply
    • Bri
      Bri

      “Abuse? honestly, not anymore than in 90% of North American couples, where the guy picks up everything, from the tv program they watch to the restaurant they go to, and the proper clothes his wife wears, plus of course the time to have sex.”

      What a horrifying thought. I don’t know where you find all these abusive North American couples, but I’ve never met any who had such an awful dynamic, and certainly none in which either partner was even a fraction as controlling, manipulative, or self-absorbed as Christian. And even if it were as common as you seem to think, that would still not excuse E.L. James for trying to portray it as romantic and loving.

      January 10, 2014
      |Reply
      • I agree with you. I’m from North America myself and I haven’t met any couple myself that has that kind of dynamix either. Sure, there are probably some couples out there that are like Christian and Ana. However, to say that 90% of North American couples are like this is an exaggeration.

        January 10, 2014
        |Reply
      • no? you have never noticed how male-centered the American society is? never asked yourself about the importance of sports on tv or elsewhere? never looked at tv commercials with a critical eye -only women do the dishes, etc? I am not talking about violence, just about those small daily things which can make life unbearable. Very often women have a choice -they can comply, say nothing and keep a peaceful household at that price, or they can complain, but that leads to continuous tensions, and most of the time, to a separation. Now, I feel things differently because I am European, and the way guys behave in North America would not be accepted in Western Europe. They would be called male chauvinist pigs and would learn to behave quite fast. I am not talking about sex, or not specifically, just about daily life. Can you find one commercial where the husband is involved in cleaning the house?
        If the roles were equal, how come 80% of the divorces are initiated by women, who all say I am fed up?
        And no, i do not mean the dynamics of American couples are exactly the same as Ch. and Ana, I mean the power belongs to the man, and if the woman reacts against it, she will pay the price.
        Just look at the way teen age girls dress -even in their school uniforms, cut as short as possible, they look like under age hookers. The idea is planted in their brains from KG on-they are here to catch a male, who will be the master of the house.

        January 10, 2014
        |Reply
      • Anne, again you’re wrong in your assertion that 90% of American couples have the same dynamic that the man is the one in control of the relationship. The fact that you claim that Americans are taught to obey the man shows just how much you don’t really know about American society. Yes, *some* people are taught to obey the man. However, it’s not the majority of the people. Yes, it may be a male centered society but feminists are trying to change that because we feel like NO ONE should have control over their partner like Christian has over Ana, whether you’re a man or a woman. A relationship or a marriage should be an equal partnership. Also, not every single woman in the U.S dresses like a little hooker to attract a man (considering that not all of us are straight). A lot of us dress classy because we want to attract someone who will not only be attracted to our bodies, but our minds and personalities too.

        And yeah, I know that 90% of American couples ARE NOT like the dynamic of Christian and Ana’s because I’m from the US and I haven’t met any couple yet where the man is the master of the relationship. Most couples I meet, there is an equal partnership. Sometimes, like my parents’ relationship, my dad wants my mom to lead because he doesn’t want to. The relationships in the states that have a man act like he’s master of the house are the fucking minority because many women do not want to be controlled by a man, or a woman.

        Btw, you shouldn’t based our society off of what you see on TV. The media is not the best representation of our society.

        January 10, 2014
        |Reply
      • Bri
        Bri

        Anne Martin, I NEVER claimed that our society is not male centered. I said that your description of North American couples is wildly exaggerated, because it is. You’re European. I’m North American. Do not tell me what North American couples are like.

        January 10, 2014
        |Reply
      • Bri
        Bri

        Also, Lynn, I completely agree with your comments.

        January 10, 2014
        |Reply
      • laina1312
        laina1312

        …as a Canadian on the North American thing, I’ve actually, out of 3 different schools in 3 different town/cities and two different provinces, never went to a school with uniforms; the one I almost went to, their uniform is T-shirts and pants.

        Also maybe we could do a little less slut-shaming over how “classy” or not women dress? I have a serious problem the oversexualization of teenaged girls’ bodies and how they choose to clothe them. Nobody deserves to be treated with anything less than respect because of the way they DRESS.

        Also, if I’m reading between the lines correctly here, that’s a whole lot of victim-blaming, too, which is serious uncool.

        And I’m not expert, but I’m pretty sure you’re more likely to be killed by someone you know everywhere. Isn’t that like basic psychology? Hamlet, anyone?

        January 11, 2014
        |Reply
        • Lieke
          Lieke

          Completely agree with laina1312.

          I live in Europe and here we still have a lot of men and women who live according to traditional role patterns. The women cook and clean, the men go out to work and do the garden. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as both parties are okay with this. I certainly don’t see this as some sort of example of a Christian/Ana relationship. That dreaded couple’s dynamic is that Christian makes all the decisions and Ana just has to live with that. I’m sure that there are some marriages that ‘work’ like that in Europe and America and all over the rest of the world.
          I guess I don’t really see what this has to do with some wives doing the dishes and what teenage girls dress like and violence and rape in the US. I’m not seeing the connection.

          Also, (Anne Martin) discussing something from the position of ‘it’s clearly better over here’ is not super helpful, especially when Europe is not the enlightened, emancipated utopia that you make it out to be.

          January 11, 2014
          |Reply
      • First of all, I would like to apologize if I implied that there was anything wrong about how a woman dresses when I made my “classy” remark. I was trying to counter Miss Anne Martin’s generalizations that every single American dresses skimpy to attract a man and didn’t realize I shot myself in the foot by making it sound like there was something wrong with dressing the way that Miss Anne Martin remarked. Also, I do want to stress that I don’t think a woman deserves to have anything happen to her regardless the way she dresses or acts. So, I’m sorry if I made it sound it like that.

        Second of all, I agree with Laina and Lieke said.

        Third of all, to Miss Anne Martin, I have LIVED in both America and Europe too. Do you want me to make stupid ass generalizations on what I’ve seen while living in Sweden since 2006? I doubt you do and I wouldn’t even if you paid me a million dollars or Euros or whatever currency you have in your country because making generalizations about a country or people of a continent (especially if they are far from true and people from that country or continent says it’s not) is fucking pointless and doesn’t do shit but piss people off. Even if a particular country or continent has problems, what country or continent doesn’t?

        January 11, 2014
        |Reply
  62. what about Harry Topper’s sexual awakening? if it worked with Twilight, why not with the sorcerer? and think of it, the basic problems of weight or physics when playing Kamasutra-like love scenes could easily be solved with a whiff of magic. Love scenes on the brooms, lol..
    Or dig into classics, where the copyrights are long gone and forgotten. Romeo and Juliet?

    January 8, 2014
    |Reply
  63. oh, just a stupid comment… a luxury watch could be a rolex, a patek philippe, or some others, but no omegas. Omegas are good middle class watches, and I cannot think of a billionaire with an omega.
    BTW, how does this guy make $100,000 an hour, or $72,000,000 a month, or close to a billion a year without even working? he started with a loan of $100,000 six years ago and just made money, again and again. But everytime he has a work appointment, he cancels it to run after Ana. Well, if it is so easy to make money, i would like a crash course…

    January 8, 2014
    |Reply
  64. I have lived on both sides of the Atlantic ocean for quite a while. What you see on tv does not matter, you believe it is the same society. You must live here and there to understand the difference. Of course, a good number of woman wear classy clothes and go past this teen age attitude… but the next time you see kids, like 15, look at them, and think objectively.
    You got about ten times more chances in the US to be killed or raped by someone you know than by an unknown sub. Is that normal?
    Anyway, the book was written by an English woman, and I can easily believe an American one after a couple of classes in creative writing would have done much better.

    January 11, 2014
    |Reply
    • Bri
      Bri

      I have no idea what you’re trying to say with any of this. Just to repeat myself in case you missed it, I’m not denying that there are huge problems with our society. I’m saying that your generalizations about American couples are insane. I don’t have to live in Europe to know that.

      January 11, 2014
      |Reply
  65. B
    B

    How can someone “kneel up”? How does that even make sense?

    January 18, 2014
    |Reply
  66. It’s taken me a solid week since I was told about your blog; a solid week of reading whenever I got a free moment. This blog about 50 Shades has provided me with belly rolling laughs, tears of hilarity, and a big smile on my face. You have a wonderful talent in writing snarky humor which I find outrageously funny. Thank you very much!

    January 18, 2014
    |Reply
  67. Sorry, but… EH?! I’m English. So I live in Europe and Anne, I haven’t a clue what you’re going on about. You say the book’s bad on one hand and then list ways it’s not on the other… And casually suggesting that 90% of all relationships in North America are like Ana & Christian’s? Massive “no” from me. I’ve plenty of friends over there who detest these books because they represent an abusive relationship, NOT the kind of thing that’s just common and casually accepted. We can’t make out that in Europe there’s some drastically different dynamic between men and women, either. Take the UK for example: We’re not blameless with our attitudes over here – look at our best selling national newspaper! It has a picture of a topless woman on page 3 every day. Waaaay to make a woman nothing but a sex object, eh UK?!

    I hated Fifty Shades because Christian reminded me on every page of my own abusive ex, so to suggest that women liked the “romance” of having every decision made for them is to grossly underestimate abuse and to ignore all of the deeper issues – Grey’s stalking, his refusal to take “no” for an answer when it comes to sex and his bruising of her body without permission for starters.

    The only things I’ve learned from Fifty Shades are that people will ignore horrendously abusive behaviour if it’s in a book that’s massively hyped and features some (very tame) sex scenes and that they’re prepared to personally insult you if you point that abuse out. Oh and that I will NEVER settle for any of my writing to be seen as simply “better than Fifty Shades,” because EL James wouldn’t know writing talent if it bit her on her abuse-apologising backside.

    January 23, 2014
    |Reply
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  75. Jodi
    Jodi

    I just wanted to point out:

    This:
    “My world was ordered, calm, and controlled, then you came into my life with your smart mouth, your innocence, your beauty, and your quiet temerity… and everything before you was just dull, empty, mediocre… it was nothing.”

    Is this:
    “Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. …And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason, for anything.” – New Moon

    October 8, 2014
    |Reply
  76. halcyon1234
    halcyon1234

    “In it for the long haul” isn’t a phrase one uses for something they enjoy. It usual means just suffering through a long, dreary, boring, painful task. So– yay, romance?

    December 15, 2014
    |Reply
  77. Ilse
    Ilse

    I’ve been thinking about this POV-change sequal, and I think it could actually be really exciting. We know that Ana is a very unreliable narrator, and there are so many instances in the book where things just don’t add up. So what if Christian is actually a crime boss? What if at 14 he decided his pocketmoney wasn’t enough, so he started dealing. And when his clients wouldn’t pay on time he’d beat them up. He’d do that so skillfully, that some one higher up noticed and moved him up to enforcer. That was around the time he met Elena, who at that point was a madam of a decent sized prostitution ring. She thaught Christian how to groom girls for prostitution (around here we call this ‘loverboys’, guys who ‘date’ young girls and slowly force them into prostitution). He was exceptionally good at that, that’s what happened to the fifteen: after he was done with them he sold them off. Elena’s husband is a weapons dealer. After all, we only know Christian doesn’t know about weapons because Ana told us, but he knew enough to buy a highly unusual unregistered weapon, so it’s really not a stretch to think he must ‘know a guy’.

    Anyway, by the time Ana meets Christian, he is the head of the drugs syndicate, he runs a human trafficking ring with Elena, and he has some dealing with Lincoln’s weapons business. The whole ‘legitimate business man’ spiel is a cover for his illegal operations, and for money laundering purposes. It’s why he just buys random businesses when he feels like it: it’s not like those need to succeed, as long as they’re there to cover up what’s really making the money.

    When he meets Ana his initial plan is to groom her and then sell her, but he falls in obsession with her. He decides he’s going to keep her, and voila: we have the lovestory of the century.

    It would totally explain a lot about these books: why we never see Christian work, why he doesn’t call the police when that would be appropriate, why he stays in contact with his molester, what happened to the 15, how he knows a lot of stuff he shouldn’t (he does own a lot of politicians, cops and DA’s through bribes and blackmail).

    I’ve decided this is totally my headcanon now, and I’m never going to read EL James’ version of Christian’s pov, because I’m quite sure that would make me cry.

    Thank you for these recaps! I’ve had a lot of fun this past week reading through the lot of them (and the Buffy recaps, total nostalgia 🙂

    February 13, 2015
    |Reply
  78. Aquarisunni
    Aquarisunni

    I am so disappointed! I really wish the author explored Anna’s insecurities a bit more and how it connects to her willingness to let her personal autonomy go. Anna never grew up in this trilogy and became even more dependent on Christian.

    March 11, 2015
    |Reply
  79. Yvonne
    Yvonne

    In Twilight, Edward accidentally hurts Bella all the time during their intimate alone times.

    ~ I don’t care if you’re human, vampire, werewolf, etc. No matter how strong you are, it is NOT that fucking hard to be gentle with something much weaker than you. I have had pet rats my entire life, and even some litters. I have held newborn baby rats, which are only an inch long, and not hurt them at all. And believe me, I would know if they’re hurt. Rats are very vocal when they want to be. If Edward is constantly hurting Bella, then he’s a goddamn moron.

    Just one? No… Not an only child. Not like me.

    ~ And just what is SOOO wrong with being an only child? I was one myself, and I was just fine with that. In fact, I actually loved the fact that I could go home from school and just be alone after playing with other kids all day. I made friends with my schoolmates and the children of my mom’s friends. Most children seem to prefer the company of children who are NOT directly related to them. Siblings always fight and proclaim their hate for each other, and I have also noticed that when Christmas and birthdays roll around, kids would much rather give gifts to their classmates than their siblings.

    I stroke his dear face. Oh, my Fifty, Fifty, Fifty.

    ~ That is officially the STUPIDEST nickname ever. One simply does NOT use a nickname like THAT. It. Doesn’t. Fucking. Work.

    “I wake with a start.

    This moron is alarmed at everything. I cannot imagine a world in which I am routinely startled by normal bodily functions like waking up. What happens when she takes a shit? Does her heart stop? What about when she sneezes? Is that like watching American Horror Story in the dark during a thunderstorm? WHY IS SHE ALWAYS STARTLED WHEN SHE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS?”

    ~ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 😀

    We haven’t spoken of the Bitch Troll once since his confession. I hope we never do. To me she’s dead and buried.

    ~ Enough with the Bitch Troll already! Stop acting like a motherfucking child! And how many times do I have to tell you that Elena is not a troll by ANY definition of the word! If you must call her anything, call her a bitch and leave it at that.

    “Well, since I’m not going to work, that a moot point.”
    “Moot?”
    “Moot,” I mouth.

    ~ GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT, STOP WITH THESE ANNOYING BACK-AND-FORTHS ALREADY!!! Christian, you sound like a fucking moron who has never heard the word “moot” before when you repeat it back to Ana, and Ana, why the fuck are you repeating it AGAIN? He already fucking heard you! You’re supposed to say yes or nod to confirm that he heard you correctly. This is at least the third time you dumb asses have tossed a word back and forth so goddamn pointlessly and it is FUCKING ANNOYING!!! Sorry, but I have HUGE pet peeves with stupid shit like this.

    “Leaving the breakfast bar, he tugs his T-shirt over his head, treating me to the sight of his finely sculptured shoulders and naked back as he saunters out of the great room. I stop mid-chew. He’s doing this on purpose. Why?”

    ~ Calm down, you slut. You’re acting like a dog in heat. A topless man is never THAT attractive, especially when you’ve been fucking said man daily for the past few months. Even if he were totally naked, it’s still not that big a deal.

    “Ros, how much stock do we own in Lincoln Timber?”

    ~ Does anyone else wish E.L. Fudge had just taken that final step in plagiarization and named the company Lincoln Logs? XD

    “So, consolidate the shares into GEH, then fire the board… except the CEO… I don’t give a fuck… I hear you, just do it… thank you… keep me informed.”

    Why don’t you fire the CEO yourself, Christian? Since you’re such a hard ass?

    ~ He said to fire the board, not the CEO. He specifically says “fire the board… except the CEO.”

    “Fair point well made, Mr. Grey,” I whisper.

    ~ That is such a redundant phrase. A fair point can ONLY be well made, so either say “fair point” or “point well made.” It’s not clever or cute to keep phrasing it the way you do.

    November 20, 2015
    |Reply
  80. ARIADNE
    ARIADNE

    Okay, so you know what IS some good kinky fuckery? Kushiel’s Dart and related sequels. Jacqueline Carey is a fucking genius who knows how to write some complicated, messy, entirely sexy scenes. The protagonist is a natural masochist, and there’s some spiritual stuff that backs up what is essentially her right, within her societal context, to be born that way and go ahead and embrace it. She’s a badass who basically saves her entire social order a bajillion times over, partly as a result of her ability to be a courtesan and spin her “unique skills” into an incredible professional reputation.
    By the end of the series she’s the queen’s favorite, married and raising the illegitimate child of her ex-lover [also a traitor to the realm], but still having “assignations” with other people, including other women, on the side, because she likes it that way and her lover’s not into controlling her. THAT is some sex-positive, BDSM-positive stuff.
    I just-but I mean, it’s complicated [apparently too complicated for the fifty shades audience], and feminist, and involves a woman who is almost always in control of her own life. It also includes a really drawn-out, deep analysis of enjoying physical pain during sex, while making it clear that this is NOT the same thing as actually being weak or flawed at all.
    Why can’t women read more things like this? Why is the idea of a self-actualized, confident and in control woman so scary even to women?

    March 26, 2017
    |Reply

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