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Jenny Reads After chapters 7 – 9: “Big ass party with a crowded kitchen/people talk shh but it’s actually just Tessa’s internal monologue.”

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Before we get into recapsville, I wanted to tell you that author Karen Swart is hosting a character interview with Neil Elwood today on her blog right here, as well as a really cool giveaway that’s a part of the Boss series virtual book tour. So, if you want a chance to win Sophie’s lipstick vibrator from the first book (US entries only on that prize, sorry), head over there.

Okay, we’re into chapters 7 – 9 of After, I’ve got Midnight Memories all queued up on Spotify, let’s do this:

CHAPTER 7.

Tessa has just arrived to a frat party, and she’s dressed like she’s giving the second reading at mass today. And after the last chapter’s riveting cliffhanger in which they still hadn’t gotten inside the house, they’re actually in the house at the beginning of this chapter.

Harry has already disappeared into the house and I hope I don’t see him again for the rest of the night, considering the amount of people crammed into this house, I probably won’t.

Yes, you will.

Someone gives Tessa a drink, but of course she just leaves it on the counter and doesn’t drink it. The shocking part of this is that she doesn’t go into a lengthy inner monologue about her unimpeachable moral character.

We reach a group of people who I automatically assume are Steph’s friends. They are all tattooed like her, and sitting in a row on the couch and of course Harry is sitting on the right arm of the couch.

All tattooed people are friends. We are in a club. It’s supposed to be a secret, but Tessa might be onto us. And of course Harry is sitting on the right arm of the couch. That’s so like him. Classic Harry.

Steph introduces Tessa to her friends:

One by one they nod or smile at me. They are all so friendly, except Harry of course.

Wait. Is that his last name? Harry Ofcourse?

It’s a shame all these really friendly people can’t be friends with Tessa, but you know. Tattoos.

A handsome boy with olive toned skin reaches out his hand and shakes mine. His hands are a little cold from the red cup in his hands but his smile is warm. I think I spot a tongue piercing but I’m not positive.

“I’m Zayn, what are you studying?”

She’s majoring in how to tell if a person has a tongue piercing without seeing their tongue first. Unless Zayn is just wandering around with his tongue out.

By the way, this is Zayn, from One Direction:

zayn malik

Zayne asks Tessa– wait. Wait a minute…

WAIT.

aj mclean+nick carter=zayn malik

I KNEW THEY WERE ENGINEERING THESE GUYS IN A LAB! I KNEW IT! 

Zayn asks Tessa what she’s studying– I bet you’d never have guessed she’s an English major– and then he says he’s into flowers, and it’s supposed to be funny because they laugh at it, but I guess this humor is just too highbrow for me to follow. According to the comments section, “flowers” is code for weed. And listen guys. I’m a huge pothead, and I have never once heard anyone refer to weed as “flowers,” except when presenting it as a gift, e.g., “I brought you flowers.”

Even weed has grammar rules, dude.

Zayn tries to offer Tessa a drink, and she tells him that she doesn’t drink, and:

“Leave it to Steph to bring little miss priss to a frat party,” A tiny girl with pink colored hair says under breath.

I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that it’s a girl and not one of the named male characters in the scene who says this. But here’s a helpful hint for avoiding a common mistake: if you’re using an actual color to describe something, you don’t have to describe it as “[color] colored.” This girl has pink hair. If she’d described the pink as “cotton candy,” then “cotton candy colored” would be appropriate.

Although, I guess cotton candy comes in different colors. But you get it, right?

I am pretend that I don’t hear her so I don’t have to think of a comeback. Miss priss? I am in no way “prissy” I have worked and studied hard to get where I am and my mother has worked her entire life to make sure I have a good future.

prissy
“Her prissy mother”

Tessa decides to go outside to get away from the “drama.” She goes out and texts Noah to complain about how not fun college is based on the ten minutes she’s spent at the party so far.

A group of drunk girls walk by giggling and stumbling over their own feet. How obnoxious. Hopefully this isn’t how everyone in college is.

I have some news that may alarm you, Tessa.

A drunk guy spills his drink on her, so she goes off to find the bathroom.

Finally, one of the doors opens, unfortunately it’s not a bathroom. It’s a bedroom and even more unfortunate for me, Harry is laying across the bed with the pink haired girl straddling his lap, her mouth covering his.

What an unexpected development that has occurred in pretty much every teen movie house party scene ever.

50 Shades/Twilight similarities:

  1. Set in Washington
  2. Heroine’s hair is unruly
  3. Single parent
  4. Heroine’s name phonetically similar to Ana/Bella.
  5. Alice/Mia character
  6. Clumsy heroine
  7. Encouragement of internalized misogyny/slut shaming
  8. “Maybe he’s gay!”
  9. The not-friend friend
  10. Increasingly naïve heroine
  11. Plum maroon dress
  12. Everybody is staring at the heroine
  13. You don’t know you’re beautiful
  14. Don’t need makeup to cover up
  15. Heroine is an English major

Random reader comment from this chapter:

WELL THE DRESS WAS ALREADY SHITTY SO DON’T WORRY ANYWAY, WE WERE GOIGN TO BURN IT

CHAPTER 8.

The girl turns around and looks at me as I try to move my feet but they just won’t budge.

“Can I help you?” she smirks. Harry sits up with her still on his torso. His face is flat, not amused or embarrassed what so ever.

So basically, his characterization remains consistent with the rest of the characters in this book. Groovy.

This is so uncomfortable. I’m not surprised to find the two of them embraced this way, the pink haired girl and Harry are perfect for each other. Both tattooed, and both rude.

I don’t have anything to say about this that wouldn’t be redundant. I just copy/pasted it because someone has to suffer with me I thought you would enjoy it.

Tess goes to the kitchen to clean her dress up.

I have to reach around a brunette puking in the sink to grab a paper towel and wet it, as I wipe it over my dress, small white flakes of the cheap paper towel cover the wet spot, making it even worse.

How unbelievably rude! Seriously, her ugly dress is so seriously special that she can’t wait for someone to finish vomiting? She has to reach over them? Yeah, don’t even ask if they’re okay or be like, “Man, that sucks,” reach over them and turn on the sink while they’re puking into it. And then she has the audacity to complain about the quality of the paper towel? Should they have laid out the ultra posh Gold Series Brawny for your arrival, your majesty?

Niall finds her and asks her if she’s having fun, and Tessa responds:

“Not so much… how long do these parties usually last?”

“All night.. and half the day tomorrow,” he laughs and my mouth drops. When would Steph want to leave? Hopefully soon.

You just got there, and you’ve done nothing but sulk. Now you want your roommate to leave her good time because you’ve hated being at the party since before you put on your pastor’s wife dress to come here? Nuh-uh, you’re staying.

But what is up with all these freshmen knowing everything about college life in a way Tessa doesn’t? They already have invites to frat parties before the semester even begins? They’re familiar with how life on campus goes, and they’re basically as comfortable and self-assured as the established group of teens the heroine of a young adult novel would meet when she first moves to town at the beginning of a– yup, okay. I see it now.

Niall offers to let Tessa drive his car back to the dorm, and Tessa replies:

“I can’t drive your car, if I wreck or get pulled over with underage drinkers in the car I would get in so much trouble,” I can’t imagine my mothers face as she bails me out of jail.

And that would be interesting conflict that would make the reader want to continue with the story, so we can’t have that.

I like her assumption that everyone is going to leave with her now that she’s done with the party. Not like, “Hey, thanks Niall, I’ll drive myself back in your car,” but she actually imagines she’s going to round up everybody who came with them and they’ll all go home just because she wants to.

So, now Tessa is pissed off and stranded at the party. The fun just keeps on coming.

50 Shades/Twilight similarities:

  1. Set in Washington
  2. Heroine’s hair is unruly
  3. Single parent
  4. Heroine’s name phonetically similar to Ana/Bella.
  5. Alice/Mia character
  6. Clumsy heroine
  7. Encouragement of internalized misogyny/slut shaming
  8. “Maybe he’s gay!”
  9. The not-friend friend
  10. Increasingly naïve heroine
  11. Plum maroon dress
  12. Everybody is staring at the heroine
  13. You don’t know you’re beautiful
  14. Don’t need makeup to cover up
  15. Heroine is an English major

Random reader comment from this chapter:

OMG! Chapter 9 so far this is amazing!! Your such an amazing author

CHAPTER 9.

Tessa asks Niall to help her find Steph, presumably so Tessa can demand that Steph leave this den of sin.

I hear my gasp as I spot her. She, along with two other girls are dancing on a table in the living room. A drunk guy climbs up and joins them, his hands gripping Stephs hips. I expect her to smack his hands off but she just smiles and pushes her bottom against him. Oh.

“They are just dancing Tessa,” Niall smiles and gives a quick chuckle at my uneasy expression. They aren’t just dancing, they are groping and grinding each other.

That’s… dancing. Unless you went to my high school, where you always had to leave room for the Holy Spirit. And believe me, no chaperone wanted to hear your protestations about the Holy Spirit not having a form with physical limitations like tangible mass. That kind of talk will get you straight burned at the stake.

I’ve never danced that way, not even with Noah, and we have been dating two years. Noah! I feel incredibly guilty that he hasn’t crossed my mind since I’ve arrived.

Except for that part in the last chapter where you went outside and miserably texted him to complain about how awful youths are.

Noah is as naive and hopeless as Tessa, because he’s sent her three texts asking if she’s okay and should he call her mom.

I dial him as fast as my fingers will allow, praying that he hasn’t called my mom yet. He doesn’t answer but I text him assuring him that I am okay and please not to call my mother. She will lose it if she finds out I am at a party at a fraternity house, my first weekend of college.

boysnbooze
I have a feeling we’ll be seeing this .gif a lot.

Steph is nonstop wrecked at this point, and she’s falling all over the place. Niall and Tessa take her to the bathroom before she can yak everywhere.

We go to a room upstairs and he opens the door, a bathroom. Of course when I needed one I couldn’t find it.

STEPH YOU BITCH HOW DARE YOU STEAL THE BATHROOM THAT IS RIGHTFULLY TESSA’S!

“Take her to the room across the hall and lay her on the bed. She is going to need to sleep it off,” he says and I nod. I can’t leave her here alone, passed out.

Okay, this is where this story gets one tinfoil star over 50 Shades of Grey. When Ana got wasted in 50 Shades, Katherine was totally fine letting a stranger drag her out of the bar while she was unconscious. It’s supposed to be this super romantic thing, that this guy kidnaps her back to his hotel room where he could have done god knows what to her, but he doesn’t because he’s a “gentleman.” At least here, Tessa is smart enough to know that leaving an unconscious girl alone in a frat house during a party is a dumb idea.

I manage to get her up off the floor and help her walk across the hall, the door opens to a bedroom.

Yikes. That whole sentence structure. Just yikes.

My eyes immediately go to the book shelves covering one of the walls. I gently lay a groaning Steph onto the bed and walk over to the books. I scan the titles and I am impressed by the owner of this collection, there are many classics including all of my favorites. I grab Wuthering Heights and pull it off the shelf.

Wuthering Heights. You know. Because the hero is Heathcliff. Just like with Twilight.

The book, by the by, is all worn out from being read so much. Because the owner of the book– you’ll never guess who it is– is clearly a sensitive, romantic soul despite his stormy exterior.

“Why the hell are you in my room?” An angry voice booms. I know that accent by now. It’s Harry.

Wait, hang on. Harry is a member of this fraternity, and living in the house? How many freshmen live in frat houses? All the sorority girls I knew had to wait until their sophomore year to get into a house, because there were so many members and not enough room for all of them. I guess it could be different on a case by case basis, but I got the strong impression from the first three chapters that these kids were freshmen. Maybe that was a wild assumption on my part, but it just seems super unlikely to me that Harry would have already pledged and been accepted to a frat the weekend before college even started.

50 Shades/Twilight similarities:

  1. Set in Washington
  2. Heroine’s hair is unruly
  3. Single parent
  4. Heroine’s name phonetically similar to Ana/Bella.
  5. Alice/Mia character
  6. Clumsy heroine
  7. Encouragement of internalized misogyny/slut shaming
  8. “Maybe he’s gay!”
  9. The not-friend friend
  10. Increasingly naïve heroine
  11. Plum maroon dress
  12. Everybody is staring at the heroine
  13. You don’t know you’re beautiful
  14. Don’t need makeup to cover up
  15. Heroine is an English major
  16. Heroine loves classic literature
  17. Erroneously romanticized figure from classic literature as shorthand characterization for the hero

Random reader comment from this chapter: 

Tessa… Withering heights… A guy with an attitude… The infernal devices anyone?

Yup. That's the book it most closely resembles, clearly.
Yup. That’s the book it most closely resembles, clearly.

89 Comments

  1. Megan M.
    Megan M.

    “I am pretend that I don’t hear her so I don’t have to think of a comeback.” If that is indeed a direct quote, I’m starting to agree with the author. Editing would totally ruin it.

    The reader comments are killing me! Never stop.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  2. Sarah
    Sarah

    OF COURSE they are growing them in a lab. There is no way someone’s hair could be THAT perfect ALL THE TIME without a lab being involved.

    Hysterical, as usual. I can’t wait for the next recap!

    May 6, 2014
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  3. DancedAllNight
    DancedAllNight

    Wait, Midnight Memories the Album or the song?

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  4. Anna
    Anna

    I’m just going to assume that literally NO ONE who calls Wuthering Heights romantic has ever actually read Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff has got to be the biggest douchenozzle in classic literature.

    May 6, 2014
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    • DancedAllNight
      DancedAllNight

      IKR! He is a complete douchecarton. There is nothing romantic about that book.

      I feel the same way about people who call Romeo and Juliet a great love story.

      May 6, 2014
      |Reply
      • Akri
        Akri

        I always like to point out that Juliet was Romeo’s rebound girl. And my friend’s sister once wrote a report on how R&J is actually a comedy. Drover her English teacher nuts, but they couldn’t actually refute it 😀

        May 6, 2014
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        • What’s wrong with that English teacher? I would think that would be something an English teacher would love, as long as there was basis for it!

          May 6, 2014
          |Reply
        • Indigo
          Indigo

          Heck, that’s half the premise of Goodnight Desdemona (Good Morning Juliet) right there.

          May 7, 2014
          |Reply
        • Amred
          Amred

          Speaking as an English teacher, your friend’s sister is technically wrong, since the definition of ‘comedy’ at the time Shakespeare was writing was pretty much ‘audience remains confident through the whole play that no real harm will befall the characters.’ Since multiple die throughout the play, including the ‘heroes’… it’s not a comedy, at least not by Elizabethan standards. That said, that doesn’t make it a romance, either.

          May 9, 2014
          |Reply
    • Lieke
      Lieke

      Yes! Absolutely. Though, honestly, Catherine isn’t much better. It’s essentially an epic romance between two assholes.
      But the book this crap is modelled on thinks Tess of the D’Urbervilles is romantic, so… yeah.

      May 7, 2014
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    • Ayu Ohseki
      Ayu Ohseki

      I once met a guy via a book club I used to attend who loved Wuthering Heights and insisted that it get read. When it came time to discuss the book, it came out his favorite character was Heathcliff because he apparently identified really closely with him.

      This had been my first time reading Wuthering Heights, and I enjoyed it, but I got SO MANY RED FLAGS about this guy thanks to that.

      May 7, 2014
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    • Delta Juliet
      Delta Juliet

      Oh thank God. I remember reading that in high school and asking my mother “I thought this was a romantic story? It’s awful! They are awful people and they hate each other!”. She had no real answer for me but she couldn’t argue.

      June 17, 2014
      |Reply
  5. Brandi
    Brandi

    I just wanted to say i’m at work and my brain is fried to a damn crisp. I kept thinking “damn I hope Jenny has a new recap up becuase I could use a laugh.” And you granted my wish! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • Mitzy247
      Mitzy247

      I’m in the same boat. This recap just made me feel so much better, I’m going to scare people by going back o work with a smile on my face.

      May 6, 2014
      |Reply
  6. Simi
    Simi

    Omg this bitch NEVER fails to get me all worked up.

    So, Lets burn HER, not the dress.

    (cuz the dress will get burnt anyway)

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  7. DancedAllNight
    DancedAllNight

    If these kids are freshmen, how are they all already in the know about the ins and outs of the campus life. How is Harry in a fraternity already? The only way this makes sense is if Tessa and Steph are freshman and Harry and crew are sophomores or above. Maybe Steph knew them from before, or met them on her first day, which would explain the friendship. Other than that, I gots nothing.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  8. NotThatJenny
    NotThatJenny

    I can answer at least one of your questions: all of these horrible tattooed miscreants are sophomores/juniors. Tessa is the only freshman thus far.

    I won’t be able to help you with other After-related questions like, “Why are these people so horrible?” and “Why has my God forsaken me?”

    May 6, 2014
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    • DancedAllNight
      DancedAllNight

      If that’s the case why are Steph and Tessa rooming together? Don’t they usually put the freshmen together?

      May 6, 2014
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      • NotThatJenny
        NotThatJenny

        I’m sorry, you’re looking for logic here? 🙂

        I had the same thought, but yes, Steph is a sophomore, and Harry is 20 at the beginning of the series.

        May 6, 2014
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        • marykate
          marykate

          I would assume this is why Steph’s side of the room is overrun with posters (of scary tattooed people, nonetheless): because she stayed in that dorm last year. But schools don’t usually let you stay in your dorm over the summer, they move you out so they’re cleaned for the new school year, but whaaaaatever.

          I remember this book saying Steph is a sophomore, I read it because I hate myself, but I don’t think they say it for anyone else, it’s just left for you to assume. Like many things that happen in this story.

          May 6, 2014
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      • Meghan
        Meghan

        Not for nothing, but my freshman year in college (way back in 1999) I was randomly put with a sophomore. There were a few arrangements like that on my floor. So not totally out of bounds. Unlike all of the other words in this “novel.”

        May 6, 2014
        |Reply
      • Cal
        Cal

        I lived in a dorm my first three years at (a huge state college as out-of-state student) college and I was placed with two freshmen as my roommates sophomore and junior year. (Honestly, they were mostly terrible and Tessa reminds me of a roommate my junior year.)

        May 6, 2014
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      • Renee J
        Renee J

        I roomed with a Sophomore when I was a Freshman. Though, I had signed up for one of the better dorms and got in.

        May 7, 2014
        |Reply
      • Maj
        Maj

        Nah, not necessarily. I roomed with a junior my freshman year; if the age difference doesn’t bother either party, they’ll just stick you wherever there’s room. It might depend on the college, though.

        And yeah, it’s revealed later that Steph is a sophomore. Later, because it’s apparently not a notable enough character description to include it when you first meet her. Not that editing would have fixed that. *sarcasm*

        May 11, 2014
        |Reply
  9. I got to the part about little Zayne smiling while sticking his tongue out, and I kept having to stop reading, because I have the habit of making the same facial expressions as book characters, and that face cracks me up every time I do it.

    Also, “Tessa?” Sounds very familiar to “Tess D’Urbervilles”, which is /someone’s/ favorite book…

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  10. Sandra
    Sandra

    I have GOT to mention the fact that Noah had *three* texts go unanswered and was already prepared to call her MOTHER? What, did she exceed the acceptable time limit of getting back to you Noah? Screw that. It seems like it would have been a few hours (if that) since Tessa had just been texting him. Yeah, she couldn’t possibly be interacting with other people out in the world like an adult. “Oh call out the cavalry, something must have gone wrong! We must save our precious princess from the world!” Barf.

    May 6, 2014
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  11. “I bet you’d never have guessed she’s an English major” – I know it’s judgmental of me, but I avoid English majors like the plague. They’re all like “Nyaaa, we’re English majors, we’re here for an education, unlike you. You just want a job!” So I would have assumed she was an English major because of that.

    Also, “She goes out and texts Noah to complain about how not fun college is based on the ten minutes she’s spent at the party so far.” I think that is actually accurate. I was homesick like crazy my first night at college and so I was texting my friend like “Yeah, I don’t know about this whole college thing…” But I got over it.

    Seriously though, why are people reading this story?

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • Cherry
      Cherry

      English major here. I don’t know what school you went to, but we don’t all suck, I promise. Where I went to college, we mostly got shat on because we wouldn’t be able to find a job like everyone else assumed they would be.

      It actually annoys me intensely that Ana and Tessa are both English majors. It makes us all look like idiots and assholes. Not saying the English major has fewer idiots and/or assholes than other majors, just that we seem to have about the same number as every other major.

      May 6, 2014
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      • Also an English major and no one acted like that at my school. But everyone who wasn’t an English major assumed we all wanted to be teachers. I never wanted to be a teacher and I am not a teacher, though I have used my degree pretty consistently since my second “real” job, which is nice.

        May 6, 2014
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        • marykate
          marykate

          Also an English major here. NO ONE I went to school with acted like Tessa OR Ana. They relate everything back to the same goddamn two or three books like they’ve never read anything else (because the authors don’t want to do research, I suppose?). (Side note: what sucked me into 50 Shades was the totally unrealistic school newspaper interview, being a former paper editor myself.)

          May 6, 2014
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        • Indigo
          Indigo

          If it makes you feel better, I was a creative writing major and we seemed to get crap from every possible direction – condescension from the humanities about being unacademic, sneering from visual arts and theatre about not being artists, and everyone in every other discipline asking us to proofread their papers because “you’re an English major, right?” (Poets, for the record, generally make lousy editors for academic work. Some of them are quite good at it but in my experience their brains just don’t work that way.)

          May 7, 2014
          |Reply
      • I know you don’t all suck, I’m just biased towards any English majors I meet until they prove they aren’t all “nya” and stuff. I have no idea why the English majors at my school act like that. It’s a small state school, so it’s either people who are poor (me), people who live close by, or people who couldn’t get into any other schools. There aren’t too many rich douche bags because the people who are rich are mostly dumb as rocks. But I work at the writing center at my school with a bunch of English majors and they all act like they’re the shit and assume I’m mentally handicapped for being a criminal justice major.

        May 6, 2014
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    • DancedAllNight
      DancedAllNight

      Really, who are these terrible English Majors you encountered at college? The majority of my friends in college were English majors and none of them were like that. Wait, there was one, but everyone else was just like whatever.

      May 6, 2014
      |Reply
      • ElBandito
        ElBandito

        I think it also depends on the year. I did archaeology and we’re usually the kind of soft-spoken people with band t-shirts and piercings (and a reputation of being sexually fluid because we sometimes hear, ‘I tried a threesome relationship because the English celts did it’ a lot) but it just happened to be my year that had up to 50 students that were nothing else but sneery rich slackers (we called them the RAs, basically, ‘Rich Assholes’). Most of them thought taking archaeology would’ve been easy, but they never make it to the second year.

        I think the only reason why we feel there’s so many of jerks in specific majors was because they’re the mouthiest. I literally thought my course had hundreds of jerks until they dropped out, the rest of us were all like, “Oh wow! There’s more of my kind of people!” afterwards.

        May 6, 2014
        |Reply
    • Emma
      Emma

      Yet another English major here—most of my classmates aren’t like that at my school (which, keep in mind, is a really small liberal arts college, so we’re all being “educated” rather than trained for a specific career), and most of the time when I run into people who are like that, it’s because they get so much crap for doing something that isn’t “practical” and won’t directly lead to a proper job, and they’re trying to push back against that nagging that we get from basically all the other disciplines. Trust me, I’ve been told waaaayyy more times that I’m never going to get work anywhere than that I’m special because I’m being “educated.”

      May 6, 2014
      |Reply
  12. Jim John
    Jim John

    There’s a part later when Tessa mentions in passing that Steph is a sophmore, so I think it can be safe to assume they’re all sophmores except Tessa.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  13. Kate
    Kate

    So I’m on the third book now (what? I know), and you can tell the author actually did read and enjoy (what? I know!) 50 Shades because Chedward’s and Ana’s fingerprints are all over the damn story. It’s weird though, because in turn you can also see the Twilight influence. It’s like a really gross, shitty onion (WHAT? I KNOW!).

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  14. And I had to watch the episode of Bob’s Burgers with the Boyz 4 Now concert. So I’m reading all of this in Louise’s voice and hoping somebody gets slapped.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  15. Claire
    Claire

    I just finished the Infernal Devices! And, despite the massive similarities pointed out by the commentator, it was not the book that naturally sprang to mind when reading this hilarious recap. I can’t believe we at the point where we are seeing the plagiarism of the plagiarism of an already pretty weak (though I love it!) YA novel?! I might have to go and wither on those heights with all good literature.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  16. Suzy
    Suzy

    My 13 year old niece asked me if I would take her and her friends to a 1D concert. Her reason being that her dad is lame (which I’d have to agree with, him being my brother.) But she also thinks I won’t make fun of them like her dad or mom, which is so adorably optimistic I almost feel bad that that will never happen. My real problem is that I’ve read this whole shit show and well, and every time Harry and Tessa have sex he goes down on her, very enthusiastically. I have a very bad feeling that is all I will be able to think about at that damn concert. Although, that might just make it bearable.

    May 6, 2014
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    • Suzy
      Suzy

      Also, exactly how big of a pervert am I if I would totally nail Zayn (how pretentious is that spelling)? Cause I’m 40 and not ready for a mid life crisis.

      May 6, 2014
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      • SandorClegane13
        SandorClegane13

        After seeing the pic Jenny put in the recap, I can’t honestly blame you. Now that his puppy fat’s going and revealing an impressive bone structure I can concur that he’s a looker! Can’t wait to see what an another twenty years does…

        May 8, 2014
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      • meadowphoenix
        meadowphoenix

        Zayn isn’t a pretentious spelling at all?

        May 11, 2014
        |Reply
  17. ElBandito
    ElBandito

    ‘The girl turns around and looks at me as I try to movemy feet but they just won’t budge.

    “Can I help you?” she smirks. Harry sits up with her still on his torso. His face is flat, not amused or embarrassed what so ever.’

    Call me weird–but I’d be pretty weirded out if a girl just stood and stared at me while I’m trying to mack on some dude. I don’t even think anyone I know (including some friends who never had spontaneous make-out sessions) would beat around the bush in telling a girl to get out (let alone use sarcasm). I’d honestly yell at her to get the hell out, personally.

    Or I’m just a rude person. Because apparently Tessa has laid claim on the bedroom as part of her territory. Obviously the pink-haired girl should’ve apologised profusely and immediately vacate the room for Tessa’s use.

    And waaiiiiiiit a second. I may be wrong but…how long was Harry making out with the girl? Tessa probably spent 20 minutes tops in the party (I may be wrong, but it feels that short).

    I don’t even know how big the frat house is. I just know that when Tessa was texting outside, Harry and the OMGRUDE girl made their way to a bedroom. They looked like they had just started when Tessa barged in on them (I guess there were no locks for any of the frathouse’s doors) and afterwards Tessa seemed to have only spent a short amount of time with Niall before having to drag Steph to the nearest bedroom.

    So…unless Harry and/or the Rude girl changed their minds (I doubt it, because the author really wants to up the ante on Harry’s ‘bad boy’ image–since she clearly wants advertise his sexual prowess as much as possible), then that is way too short a time to make out. I may be wrong, but this reminds me how in 50SoG when Ana accidentally describes Christian lasting as long as 5 minutes in bed (thanks to a song that her author name-dropped). So let me know if I’m barking on the wrong tree here.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  18. “I hear my gasp as I spot her.”

    OMG! She’s such an amazing author!

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • Teresa B.
      Teresa B.

      I just hope to God there will not be any “Crap” or “Double crap!” Or “Geez” in this story. I couldn’t take it anymore in 50SOG.

      May 8, 2014
      |Reply
  19. Suzy
    Suzy

    Here’s something that just annoys the bejesus out of me, cause ot keeps happening. Tessa wonders how she’s getting home. Does this town not have taxis? Or a bus? Or she could walk. How far could this frat house from the dorms? I went to Ohio State which is friggin’ HUGE! And we walked everywhere, including to frat parties and bars.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • Meghan
      Meghan

      THANK YOU. This drove me bonkers. I went to UConn, which, while not as big as Ohio State, is still pretty huge. And we would hoof it for miles across and then off campus for parties. In the woods. Because, college.

      May 6, 2014
      |Reply
    • laine
      laine

      WOO GO BUCKS (sorry Jenny)

      May 7, 2014
      |Reply
    • Julie
      Julie

      I believe that in this universe, there must be a curfew in place on all sidewalks. Also,
      The fraternity houses are perhaps hours away from the actual college .
      And to cap that off, Tessa probably has two left feet after the clock strikes midnight. Therefore, she cannot walk home.
      Taxis are probably driven by tattooed people so Tessa couldnt trust the driver enough to get in.
      And her mother probably monitors her bank account at all times and will instantly deduce that Tessa is hanging out with the worst of the worst.

      May 7, 2014
      |Reply
      • Gwen
        Gwen

        Ha! Yes, tattooed taxi drivers are clearly the reason this dimwit can’t figure out how to get herself home.

        May 7, 2014
        |Reply
    • DancedAllNight
      DancedAllNight

      Let’s not forget that Niall offered her his car, so that she could drive herself home. Little miss whoa is me refused though.

      May 7, 2014
      |Reply
      • NotThatJenny
        NotThatJenny

        I love this typo so much I want to take it out behind the school and get it pregnant. Also, I am now imagining a Keanu “whoa is me” meme.

        May 7, 2014
        |Reply
  20. Carol
    Carol

    Eh, freshmen knew about the frat parties right after move in/before classes started because many of the frat brothers would help people move in and invite them to the parties. But: my freshman year dorm was also located right next to one frat and within blocks of the rest, so that may have played into it.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  21. Am I the only one who thought — nay, hoped — that when Tessa saw Steph dancing on a table with two other girls, it would be revealed that Steph was bi or lesbian?!
    Imagine how hard Miss Priss would have flipped her shit then!!

    Even just the thought is making me so happy* that I’m using double punctuation marks (but never a double period, because that doesn’t actually mean anything). Major missed opportunity to create the one and only redeeming moment of this shitshow thus far.

    * Of course, I know the author would have just turned the whole thing into a major homophobic, misogynist fail and that would have turned my upside-down frown back upside down in a real effing hurry. I’m not *that* desperate for cultural representations of My Kind.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • ElBandito
      ElBandito

      “Am I the only one who thought — nay, hoped — that when Tessa saw Steph dancing on a table with two other girls, it would be revealed that Steph was bi or lesbian?!
      Imagine how hard Miss Priss would have flipped her shit then!!”

      Yeah, sadly Tessa would even think that her virtue would be in *gasp* danger of being molested by Steph.

      Seriously, poor Steph. Her roommates’s got so much aura of hate and disgust for everything, she’s gonna start making everyone around her nauseous.

      May 8, 2014
      |Reply
    • merc
      merc

      Because I am so, so naive, the moment Steph was introduced as a pretty girl lounging on a bed, I was like, “What, is this happening?? Girl on girl college love story?!”

      May 9, 2014
      |Reply
  22. Alison
    Alison

    “STEPH YOU BITCH HOW DARE YOU STEAL THE BATHROOM THAT IS RIGHTFULLY TESSA’S!”

    Hee hee. That was my favourite line.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  23. This whole plagiaristic rabbit hole gets ever more depressing the further down we go. I’ve been forming a thought ever since mocking “Twilight” was still cool, and though it seems minor compared to all the other failures these authors keep making, if there’s anywhere I think I can talk about minor criticisms it’s probably here!

    The criticism is: It’s one thing to write a character who has been sheltered for their whole life to date. If handled properly, with decent writing and appropriate character development, their growth from that insular point onward can be an interesting read.

    As far as realism is concerned: a lot of young people, especially in the modern neoconservative American environment, are growing up pretty damn sheltered — and plenty of them desperately want to get out!
    I was one of them: my mother wasn’t super-religious and she didn’t care if I groomed my eyebrows (jfc, ‘Margaret White’), but she was pretty strict about keeping me from partying or fucking around. So I hit legal adulthood and left the house without knowing a lot of things other kids my age did, and I had to learn. Since we didn’t have internet at home and going online at age 18 was kind of like being thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool, I sought understanding of the world through books.
    Other young peeps in that position could benefit from novels which deal with the situation in a positive way — as in, some way other than having a naive heroine judge her way through shit and come out completely unchanged.

    But obviously that kind of positive treatment isn’t happening here. I’m not necessarily psychic, but I can guess this is just one more time when the heroine will remain totally static except for getting slapped by the Magical Maturity Dick [TM] which will supposedly make her an adult.
    Tessa might be the worst example of this trend yet, so the missed opportunity is the most apparent to me. This author isn’t exactly talented in any way, so I can’t expect her to handle anything complicated — but it seems like even someone with marginal abilities could have created an entirely different book just by writing Tessa’s narrow mindset as a character flaw instead of as a Super Speshul Mary-Sueism. I feel safe making this criticism now because, while these are early days, something tells me that will not change at all over the course of the story.

    Tl;dr: Readers deserve so much better than this shit.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • ElBandito
      ElBandito

      “but I can guess this is just one more time when the heroine will remain totally static except for getting slapped by the Magical Maturity Dick [TM] which will supposedly make her an adult.”

      I just want to say, you’re an awesome person and I want to borrow that phrase for the rest of my life.

      And yeah, fellow ‘sheltered’ kid here. I think as soon as I got to college, my parents realised in horror that all of their kids were going from study groups to work with almost no respite except for video games and the internet (and I’m lucky for that–there were no other teens near us and so would have no one else to talk to except retirees and older adults). Since then, my parents worked really hard to help my younger siblings into socialising with their school friends–but it was definitely too late for me. I had no clue what to expect from people my age (especially when we’re legally able to get booze and everything). I really wished I was taught how to deal with drunks (and how to help them out , like first aid), because I would up in a party city for college.

      May 8, 2014
      |Reply
  24. Gray
    Gray

    I usually think it’s nit picking to point out a typo on a personal blog, but:

    ” …put on your pastor’s wife dress…”

    It’s always refreshing to see members of society who are seen as stuffy and conservative portrayed with more liberal habits and interests.

    I just wonder what our stuffy, conservative heroine thinks of her pastor’s cross dressing.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
  25. Laurel
    Laurel

    Wait…so Harry has his own room at this house and yet he used some other dude’s room to sex it up in? And is then indignant that someone violated his privacy by being in his room without permission? What an unsanitary asshole.

    Meanwhile, I love the crap out of the Brontes but I’m so tired of hack writers using big name books to demonstrate that their characters love reading. You know how I know if a character likes to read? If they can actually reference a book that wasn’t required reading in ninth grade.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • Emily
      Emily

      I’d dig a heroine who’s really into Lovecraft.

      May 6, 2014
      |Reply
      • ElBandito
        ElBandito

        Minus the racism though <3

        I do feel bad though (as a struggling goth). I couldn't get into Edgar Allan Poe but I LOVELOVELOVE Lovecraft's prose when he delves into the strange and horrifying. But there are so many times where I just had to slam the book down when he lets his rampant racism spill out.

        (also to the fact that Lovecraft was so racist, he even calls southern Europeans 'Guineas'. Guh).

        May 8, 2014
        |Reply
        • Emily
          Emily

          Oh I know. He was a racist bastard. I just think a heroine who was just like Bella/Ana/Tessa but was really into Lovecraft for some unexplained reason would be a hilarious change of pace.

          May 8, 2014
          |Reply
  26. Laina
    Laina

    …who sees someone puking and reaches around them??? That’s a good way to end up splattered.

    May 6, 2014
    |Reply
    • Philemon
      Philemon

      Yeah, Tessa is a real Florence Nightingale there!

      May 6, 2014
      |Reply
    • DancedAllNight
      DancedAllNight

      That’s what I was thinking. This is a good way to end up with puke on your hands or other body parts.

      May 7, 2014
      |Reply
    • Philemon
      Philemon

      Hope Tessa knows enough to get Steph to drink water, if she can, or get her to an emergency room if she can’t. Also hope she knows to hold Steph’s head when she vomits so that Steph doesn’t accidentally aspirate it and choke.

      But Tessa’s probably too busy reading all those great favorite classics on the bookshelves.

      Personally, I am willing to bet good money that Steph being passed out and possibly suffering from alcohol poisoning is not the reason Tessa stays with Steph. In Tessa’s universe, she is being a chaperone.

      Also, Wuthering Heights? I can’t wait to see a heroine whose favorite novel is Clarissa!

      May 8, 2014
      |Reply
      • Bitca
        Bitca

        Yay; Clarissa! Now, that is perhaps THE steamiest, most twisted, truly epic, bestselling romance ever published. Plus, the later editions are almost an author/fan collaboration, ’cause Richardson reworked each successive edition in response to readers’ suggestions (he’d have loved the internet). Anyway, Clarissa is all kinds of original, crazy-obsessive, unsung brilliance, & should be required reading for all high school freshmen.

        So, if anyone wants to write a l’histoire de bitca, with a heroine who <3s Miss Harlowe (hubris & all)… I graciously grant permission.

        July 29, 2014
        |Reply
  27. Because I’m a masochist I’m actually reading this book which I wasn’t able to do with 50 Shades (because the bad BDSM made me too angry as a kinkster). It gets worse, I can’t stop reading because it’s just like a trainwreck, can’t look away.

    May 7, 2014
    |Reply
    • Flo
      Flo

      I’m with you, I did end up reading the entire thing. As I was reading, my thoughts were “I can’t wait to see what Jenny and the commenters have to say!” It’s just so…bad. If it would have been in print I would have gone through an entire box of red pens. As to her lack of “editing”, she is just stupid because she makes the same errors over and over again. “You can’t fix stupid!”

      May 7, 2014
      |Reply
    • Julie
      Julie

      Same here. I read a few chapters each week.
      Its like a train wreck. I also cant wait for Jenny to get to the “sexually explicit warning” chapter.
      I think just imaging how Jenny will tear the chapters apart keeps me reading.

      May 7, 2014
      |Reply
    • DancedAllNight
      DancedAllNight

      Kudos to you. I tried and I nearly fell asleep from boredom and it made my headache worse. Does it get less boring after this chapter?

      May 7, 2014
      |Reply
  28. A. Noyd
    A. Noyd

    Wait, wait, wait. Tessa wets the paper towel in the sink as someone is puking into it?!

    May 7, 2014
    |Reply
  29. Josie
    Josie

    My headcanon is that Tessa is a robot.

    Admittedly this is mainly due to the lack of contractions. Nobody in real life goes around saying ‘I am busy’ ‘they are working’ ‘I am going shopping’ etc., unless they’re doing it deliberately for emphasis or they’re not speaking their native language.

    Also I can see Tessa’s mother constructing some sort of Stepfordian robot daughter because no human child could live up to her expectations.

    May 7, 2014
    |Reply
  30. “That’s… dancing. Unless you went to my high school, where you always had to leave room for the Holy Spirit. And believe me, no chaperone wanted to hear your protestations about the Holy Spirit not having a form with physical limitations like tangible mass. That kind of talk will get you straight burned at the stake.”

    I made the ugliest sounding laugh at this and couldn’t breathe for about a minute. So, thank you.

    May 8, 2014
    |Reply
  31. Honey
    Honey

    I seriously LIVE for your reviews. They give me that warm fuzzy feeling I love so much. <3

    May 8, 2014
    |Reply
  32. Siobhan
    Siobhan

    I… want you to be careful. Remember how depressed you were by the end of 50 Shades, because they were horrible.

    This hasn’t even been run through a spellchecker. And I can already tell that’s the least of the horrible going on here.

    May 8, 2014
    |Reply
  33. the-great-dragon
    the-great-dragon

    Ugh, Tessa’s such a buzzkill. I mean jeezy creezy, would it kill her to stop being such a sourpuss for five seconds and actually think about something nice? At least Ana liked stuff.

    May 10, 2014
    |Reply
    • Angela
      Angela

      You know it’s truly bad when Ana is looking good by comparison.

      June 5, 2014
      |Reply
  34. Petra47
    Petra47

    I started reading this today because I saw your recaps, and it’s GOLF! Pure, unadulterated GOLD! I can’t wait to see the rest of your snark on it.

    Though I am I bit worried about Tessa. She says things louder than she intends to about once per chapter… does she have issues with voice modulation? Sounds like it could be a serious neurological problem…

    May 11, 2014
    |Reply
    • Laina
      Laina

      You know, my mom does that. Combination bronchitis and hearing loss.

      May 11, 2014
      |Reply
  35. Petra47
    Petra47

    And obviously I meant “gold” not “golf.”

    Stupid Swype.

    May 11, 2014
    |Reply
    • KathleenCat
      KathleenCat

      I thought it was an intentional homage to the lack of editing in the story.

      May 17, 2014
      |Reply
  36. Maj
    Maj

    I highly recommend checking out Anna Todd’s “Interview” piece. It explains… so much…

    May 11, 2014
    |Reply
  37. Anon123
    Anon123

    This has nothing to do with anything, but I love that your hair is fun and different in practically every pic on your blog, hehe. (And hey, I personally know for a fact that changing one’s hairstyle is a great way to procrastinate on writing. 😛 )

    April 23, 2015
    |Reply
  38. Zayn tries to offer Tessa a drink, and she tells him that she doesn’t drink, and:

    “Leave it to Steph to bring little miss priss to a frat party,” A tiny girl with pink colored hair says under breath.

    ^ Wow, fuck you, I had pink hair and it’s fucking awesome so don’t you fucking ruin that for me by being a twat. Also, Loki (who looks 25 but is actually 19) doesn’t drink either, and I usually don’t if I want him to kiss me (since he hates the smell of alcohol) and no-one refers to us as “prissy”.

    okay Tessa, now don’t be a self-righteous jerk and make me regret standing up f– DAMMIT, TESSA.

    Loki: I can easily imagine my dad’s face as he DOESN’T bail me out of jail.
    Me: That’s because your dad is Satan, honey.
    Loki: It’s because my dad is broke, honey.
    Me: Oh. Well, whatever lol.

    October 10, 2015
    |Reply

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