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Jenny Watches: The 50 Shades of Grey trailer

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Just when I thought I was free from the horror show of Chedward and Anabella, here we are. Like some recurring nightmare in which we’re forced to watch a bad movie based on bad fanfic from a bad franchise that had equally bad movies… wait. No, sorry. Not “like.” That is exactly what’s happening here. It should go without saying that since this is Fifty Shades of Grey, TW: rape, domestic abuse, emotional abuse.

When I got on twitter the other day, people were like OMG HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILER YET?! And I was like, “I thought that was coming out on Thursday?” and then it turned out to be a trailer for the trailer. Isn’t this a little bit of overkill? The movie doesn’t come out for like seven more months. Is this how desperate the studio is to keep it fresh in our minds? I figured the big trailer release everyone was hungry for was the one that came out on Tuesday. Then I got on twitter this morning (I use the term “morning” loosely because I have not been waking up before double digits lately) and my twitter had a lot of, “I can’t wait to see what @Jenny_Trout thinks of the 50 Shades trailer!” and I was like:

getting too old

But I’m going to recap it anyway, because all of this movie buzz is just rekindling the bottomless fount of anger that I feel toward these books and the fact that E.L. James called one of my most favorite tweeps a “sad fuck” recently. Shots fired, Erika. Brace for return fire.

The Fifty Shades of Grey trailer opens with some creepy piano notes, and Ana is revealed in all her brown haired, mousey, boring glory as she steps off an elevator:

Ana01I know, don’t judge by appearances yadda yadda, but please, please tell me that is a bad wig and not Dakota Johnson’s actual hair that they made her walk around in during her off hours. It looks like a five-year-old grabbed Barbie’s friend Theresa and went to town on her bangs with a pair of safety scissors. Ana’s voice over is heard, saying, “So this is just an interview for the newspaper. I just have a couple of questions.” They do not, however, show Ana asking Chedward if he’s gay. I assume they’re saving that for the movie, and the music will be really suspenseful.

A blonde, probably evil receptionist tells her, “Mr. Grey will see you now.” No mention of the “iced water.” Man, they are teasing the hell out of us, aren’t they? Leaving out all those important scenes that we’re aching for. #TeamIcedWater4Lyfe

It is at this point:

icedwaterthen DRock asked, “Wait, why doesn’t he get with the blonde bitch? She’s hotter.”

DRock is unaware that Mr. Grey only wants to have sex with women who look exactly like his mother. When I tell her this information, she is visibly disgusted.

The trailer cuts from Ana opening the door to Chedward’s office, directly to a shot of Chedward gazing out the enormous glass-and-steel-and-glass-and-steel-and-glass-and-glass-and-steel and-steel windows. So we never get to see Ana spill ass and carpet burn her way across his office. Again, saving the best for the movie, I’d wager.

In voice over, Kate asks Ana what Chedward was like, and she’s all, he was polite and intense and smart and intimidating and he didn’t fall down even once like I did because woe is me I’m so clumsy.  Or whatever. I stopped listening halfway through, because I know every line of this movie is going to be bullshit.

Christian tells Ana that he’d like to know more about her, and she says:

“There’s really not much to know about me. Look at me.”

And it is as awkward as it read in the book. Like, cringe inducingly awkward. And it’s not Dakota Johnson’s fault. As Harrison Ford famously said to George Lucas, “You can type this shit, but you can’t say it.” Book dialogue that’s clunky is going to be clunky on screen. So expect this entire movie to be clunky as hell.

I’m going to take one of those little clicker things that people use to count passengers on a train and keep track of all the “Oh my”s that no doubt clutter up a screenplay.

This is how Ana looks at him after saying, “Look at me.” :

ana02
Notice me, Senpai!

And Chedward is all:

“I am.”

And he’s looking at her like this:

I'm trying to figure out how much rope and other murder supplies to buy at your place of business.
I’m trying to figure out how much rope and other murder supplies to buy at your place of business.

There is literally nothing I find sexually attractive about this guy. At all. And not just because he’s playing recreational manipulator Christian Grey, but because he looks like a senior in high school. He actually looks younger than Ana. I’m wondering how this, “Ew, he’s so ancient,” thing is going to work.

Then we see Christian walking Ana to the elevator, and the tense score reaches a climactic crescendo. Mr. Jen asks, “Is this supposed to sound like a horror movie?” My answer: “Yes.”

After a beat, Beyonce’s new, slowed down version of “Crazy In Love” starts, and I’m like, “Please, Bey. Tell my why you did this. You already had enough money. You’re already the most famous person in the world. You’re like, Queen of the United States. Please. Why did you do this?”

We see a montage of shit we remember from the books, like Christian getting his picture taken:

jacob
This guy. This fucking guy.

By who I assume is Ana’s forty-three-year-old college friend, Jacob José. Dios Mío!

And guys. GUYS. guys. The most important part of the entire movie gets glossed over in one quick, blurry shot. You should be outraged. But we finally, FINALLY, get a look at the character we’ve all been waiting for:

OMGtaylorIs that Taylor?! I assume that’s Taylor. OMG TAAAAAYLOR. I like how even though he’s blurry, he looks 100% fed up with everything. That is exactly how I imagined him in the books.

Over this, we hear Ana asking Christian why he’s successful, or something, and him saying he exercises control in all things, and then they’re at the coffee place and Ana is like, that sounds boring, and I’m like, “It is.” Then we cut to the elevator scene where he corners her and kisses her, and holds her hands when she tries to push him away. I’m glad they managed to get at least two rapey moments into the trailer.

I’m also glad that we get a look at Charlie Tango. Because again. The most important parts of the book:

hauntedcharlietangoI accidentally got the screenshot during a transition, so here are two glimpses at Charlie Tango for the price of one. Also, it makes it look like Chedward is a ghost. This inspires me. Stay tuned for my upcoming novel, The Billionaire’s Haunted Helicopter.

In voice over, Christian tells Ana that he’s “incapable” of leaving her alone, which is super sexy with a dude says that, then isolates you from your friends and family has a private detective find out your banking information. Hot as fuck.

Other fascinating glimpses in this trailer:

idiotsThe scene where Edward plays Bella the song he wrote for her.

IcanbeyourherobellaThe scene where Edward fights with Jacob to protect Bella.

cullenfamilydinnerCullen family dinner. (Clockwise from 12, Carlisle, Rose, Jasper, Alice, Esme, Edward, and Bella)

fingerbangNonconsensual under table finger banging in front of his family.

Hey, remember when we were all hypothesizing that the plagiarism would be even more obvious on screen? Go us, because it totally is.

Then, we get to the scenes everyone was breathlessly waiting for. Red. Room. Of. Pain. And Chedward saying that his tastes are very singular.

Okay, Cheward. Your tastes are not “very” singular. They can’t be a little singular. They’re either singular, or not. Second, lots and lots of people are into the very same stuff you’re into. You’re not special just because the woman who wrote you thought she was being super provocative with her BDSM 101 books.

Here is Jamie Dornan’s audition screen test for the role of Captain America:

He didn't get the part.
He didn’t get the part.

masksIs that an entire drawer full of masks? How many eyes do the girls you date usually have?!

There are shots of the glider ride and some other shit, and Bella asking Edward to “enlighten” her on his big, dark, darkity dark secret, and then:

redroombetterMr. Jen asks, “Are there bodies in there?” And I’m like, “Of course not. Mrs. Jones would have already cut them up and scattered their parts around Seattle.”

whipsThere’s all those floggers that can’t be properly sterilized, unlike the stainless steel butt toys he replaces between each sub.

subsubsubThere’s that riding crop he’s going to turn her clit into hamburger meat with.

And the trailer ends on a tantalizing shot of Ana, bound and gasping:

I assume this is where she "detonates around him."
I assume this is where she “detonates around him.”

As with all movie trailers, they showed basically all the important parts of the story. Except I’m disappointed that we didn’t see Mrs. Jones, or Mrs. Robinson, or the bloody tampon scene, or Kate’s plum dress. Here’s the whole trailer:

So, that’s basically it. That is the reason that my cell phone sounded like a vibrator this morning, from everyone tweeting at me. Is it wrong that I’m a little bit excited for this movie? I have this weird hope that the screen writers will have toned down the abuse and made it something watchable. And if they don’t, it won’t matter, because I’ll be hate-watching it anyway.

For those of you planning to hate-watch like I am, one of my tweeps suggested that we buy the ticket, then donate twice the ticket price to a domestic abuse charity. I think that would be stellar.

Now, in a move that will be seen by some as me using the mention of Fifty Shades of Grey to market my own work in the sleaziest way possible (because it totally is and I just don’t give a fuck), if you have friends and family who love the 50SoG series, recommend my (free) erotic romance, The Boss to them. It’s written using tropes from 50, except for a lot of them I did the exact opposite of what E.L. did. Like, you know. Include informed consent and a hero who isn’t an abusive, manipulative monster. It’s available basically wherever e-books are sold, but here’s the amazon link. Some one-star reviews have called it, “nothing like 50 Shades,” which is basically the best advertisement I could hope for, but I’ve had fans of 50 say they loved it, too. So either way, you might get some entertainment from suggesting it.

 

 

 

124 Comments

  1. Kayla
    Kayla

    I have had a really horrible few weeks and this steaming turdburger of a trailer was just what I needed to make me feel better. I did see her wearing a pink dress and I would be scandalized if they did away with the plum dress. It was so integral to, uh, something, I’m sure.

    I love your charity idea for the tickets, because I am going to see this and hate every second. I’m not sure if I want to be in a theatre with people who hate it like I do or a theatre of people who are genuinely soaking the seats for this horseshit. Now that I’ve typed it out, I definitely want to be in a theatre of people who hate it as well.

    July 24, 2014
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  2. Andrea
    Andrea

    Hating 50 Shades is my favorite hobby. I am so looking forward to hating the shit out of this movie.

    Do any other denizens of TroutNation live in NYC and want to Hate Watch this thing together??

    Also, Jenny, could you or one of your followers suggest a domestic abuse charity they are familiar with for donations?

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • Just_Passing_Through
      Just_Passing_Through

      NYC TroutNation denizen here; I thought about just pirating it, but am down for Jen’s donation idea and having a meetup to hate on 50 Shades.

      July 24, 2014
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      • Naomi
        Naomi

        Pirate it and still donate. That way it’s win win! FSoG get no money but people in need do!

        July 25, 2014
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        • Cat
          Cat

          I’m with Naomi 100%. I mean, legally get a hold of the film and watch it without a penny going to the creators of the film. Because we’re all law abiding citizens here. ::snerk::

          July 25, 2014
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          • I will not watch this in any manner that puts money into the pockets of anyone involved.

            But I also am probably never going to watch it because I suspect, beyond being an awful thing in general, that it will be terribly dull and I will want to gouge my eyes out with hot pokers just to make time go back to normal speed during the “film.”

            July 25, 2014
          • zee
            zee

            That’s my plan. I don’t want to give an arrogant cow like James my money when the books already hurt so many people.

            August 2, 2014
        • That’s my plan. Also because I’ve get thrown out of the theater for yelling at the screen.

          July 26, 2014
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    • Anon
      Anon

      …wow you just made my day.

      Brooklyn member of TroutNation here; I’m not sure how I feel about spending money on this shite but I would love love love to watch with other TroutNation citizens.

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
    • Kim
      Kim

      Absolutely yes! Especially if there’s a lot of booze and yelling at the screen involved (because I think that’s the only way to get through this monstrosity).

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
    • Me
      Me

      http://www.redrover.org/
      They not only help people trying t escape domestic violence, but also their pets that sometimes they have to leave behind.

      August 1, 2014
      |Reply
  3. I’m looking forward to the movie for one reason and one reason only: In the scene where Ana learns how to use Wikipedia, my boyfriend intends to yell “SHE’S LEARNDING!”

    July 24, 2014
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  4. Every time you call him “Chedward,” I mentally picture it like the “ch” in “Chanukkah.” And giggle, because it means I can literally gag every time I say his name.

    July 24, 2014
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    • Sherry
      Sherry

      That had never occurred to me. Now it will never leave me, and I thank you for that.

      July 24, 2014
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    • V
      V

      That is beautiful. I always thought “chodes” when “Chedward” would grace the computer screen. I like Gagward as well.

      August 17, 2014
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  5. You quite literally said almost all of the same things I said about this whole piece of crap week. My Facebook wall is making me second guess some friendships. I saw so many links the other day to the TRAILER FOR THE TRAILER. Seriously?? SERIOUSLY????

    And, yeah, the actor playing Christian looks 12. Ew.

    I just … I just can’t even …

    My only response to this is “puke.” I don’t know what else to say.

    And based on the trailer, I don’t think the screenwriters fixed it and I think they may have managed to make it worse.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • To counteract my hellish FB wall I posted a link to your 50 Shades recaps. 🙂

      Also, I forgot in my last comment, but Anna Todd posted her “final author’s note” and she basically did what EL James did but in a more broad and more nicely-worded way. She wrote that anyone who criticizes her writing is just sad and jealous and she pities them. I don’t think she’s the nice little lady you think she is. And if you finished reading those books, your head might explode.

      July 24, 2014
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      • Flo
        Flo

        I’m glad you mentioned that Renee–I also know of quite a few young people who she blocked for asking the “wrong” questions apparently. She maybe over worshipped E L James. I’m waiting for everything (50 SoG and After) for implode. Then it might be the end of lousy literature getting kudos.

        July 24, 2014
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        • The attitudes an writing voices are so similar I kind of wonder if Anna Todd is really EL James.

          July 24, 2014
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      • Sherry
        Sherry

        She’s right, you know. I am so sad that I cannot also produce an equally fetid, steaming pile of crap that is the remnant of proper grammar and punctuation.

        July 24, 2014
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        • Ugh. No kidding. I don’t begrudge JK Rowling’s success because she deserves it based on talent. There are authors whose books are not my thing, but I can still say they are good writers. It is horror, not jealousy.

          July 24, 2014
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    • Jamie Dornan is way hotter in his scruffy-bearded look in “The Fall”. Yeah, he’s hotter in a show where he plays a rapey serial killer. No joke.

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
      • Yeah, he was in the first season of Once Upon a Time (when it was a good show) and he had the beard and was not bad. He looked like an adult in that.

        He’s actually 32, but he looks so freaking young I can’t handle it.

        July 25, 2014
        |Reply
        • Annie
          Annie

          In an entertainment news article about the movie, I read ‘[Jamie Dornan] will soon be seen in BBC2 drama The Fall, reviving his role as a serial killer. This couldn’t be further from that.’ I lol’d. And now I hear ‘This couldn’t be further from that’ in a deadpan snark voice.

          July 26, 2014
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        • JKC
          JKC

          It’s a shame we don’t get to see Regina crush his heart in THIS story…

          July 26, 2014
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        • Anna
          Anna

          I think he looks like the love child of Dr. House and Dr. Wilson. Wilson’s face, but House’s hair. And the charm of neither (at leas for this film, I’m assuming).

          July 26, 2014
          |Reply
  6. Angelina
    Angelina

    I’m so going to do the donation thing! What a great idea, now I don’t have to feel terrible about going to see it. 😀

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  7. Dracon Ra
    Dracon Ra

    The German trailer is even creeper, because of the trembling voice of the voice actress… she sounds really scared….

    http://youtu.be/ehwINlq62zM

    And I’m with Mr. Jen here, lots of horror movie vibes.

    July 24, 2014
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    • grr! arrgh!
      grr! arrgh!

      You know, FSOG would probably be an amazing film if it was treated as a horror movie. Think of how creepy – vulnerable, naive young woman is stalked and slowly loses herself to the manipulations of a powerful, controlling sexual sadist.

      Holy god that would be scary!

      Is it okay if in my own personal headcannon I assume the screenwriter and director totally treated this thing as straight horror and filmed it as such until proven otherwise?

      July 24, 2014
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      • d
        d

        Oh, I’m VERY certain some clever YouTuber will post a re-cut version of that movie at some point. That’s the only good thing that will come from all this.

        July 24, 2014
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        • H2
          H2

          Even better – when CinemaSins gets hold of it. XD

          July 25, 2014
          |Reply
  8. LeximusPrime
    LeximusPrime

    Is it just me or does Christian’s voiceover sound unnervingly like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho…?

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • Sherry
      Sherry

      Now see, I would TOTALLY watch that crossover. Taylor gets to be Patrick Bateman’s character. Chedward gets to be every victim. All the Huey Lewis!

      July 24, 2014
      |Reply
  9. Happychubbygeek
    Happychubbygeek

    Part of me really wants to see the movie, ya know, in the sense that everyone slows down to see a wreck? The other part of me doesn’t seem able to justify spending the $10 on a ticket for this shit.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  10. Flo
    Flo

    About the only thing that would get me to go see this movie is Max Martini as Taylor–now he’s hot! Jamie Dornan does nothing for me and he’s about as convincing in this role as Pee Wee Herman playing JFK.

    July 24, 2014
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    • Ange
      Ange

      That scene where he looks at her and says ‘I am’ really weirds me out. His eyes look so quizzical it’s like he’s still not quite sure if he is.

      July 25, 2014
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    • Queen Mab
      Queen Mab

      Pee Wee Herman playing JKF! Oh my, I am STILL laughing over that remark. Thanks for making my day…my belly still hurts from laughing.

      July 26, 2014
      |Reply
  11. Sarah
    Sarah

    I wasn’t planning to go watch it, because really it’s not my thing and I agree with your assessment of plot/BDSM, etc., but after watching the trailer, yeah, I want to go see it now.

    At least the marketing team knows what they’re doing.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  12. Candy Apple
    Candy Apple

    I came straight here for therapy after seeing just a headline about this trailer on national news. Thank you. I might just be able to finish out the day now without going all Jack Bauer on a room full of Fifty Shades fans.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  13. Meg
    Meg

    The donation idea sounds great, but what if we just all skipped giving this piece of shit ANY money and pirated it instead? I mean, I know that’s awful, but if any movie deserves it, it’s this one, right?

    July 24, 2014
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    • Sonny
      Sonny

      This is my plan and I have no qualms about it. Bonus points if there is a RiffTracks available.

      July 24, 2014
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      • Kelly O
        Kelly O

        Much like with the Twilight movies, I will probably only watch this with RiffTrax attached.

        July 24, 2014
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      • I cannot wait for the RiffTrax. I would also give so much money to RiffTrax for them to do this as one of their live shows.

        July 26, 2014
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    • Right, pirate the movie and donate the ticket price to a domestic violence charity. win-win!

      July 25, 2014
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  14. Klępa
    Klępa

    I don’t know why, but I was convinced that Taylor was black. And he’s just another middle aged white dude?!

    And here’s my confession of the day: I really like young looking guys. My husband gets id’ed all the time and I think he’s hot. But *I* think that this guy is weirdly young looking.)

    July 24, 2014
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  15. Sherry
    Sherry

    Thank you for this. I just came here to read your recaps to soothe my nerves after watching the trailer and found this delightful surprise waiting for me. You do the work of the gods.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  16. This makes me sad because I actually LIKE Jamie Dornan. I just hate that he’s in this movie.

    Instead of seeing this movie I’ll be working on my reading chapter by chapter and discussing why it’s wrong on youtube. And probably donate money to a domestic abuse shelter. Or find one to volunteer time at. Or something like that.

    Though, if it was marketed as a horror movie, I’d totally see it.

    July 24, 2014
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    • Careful. A British girl did that and James and her publisher threatened a lawsuit and made her remove the videos.

      July 24, 2014
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      • withenoughcourage
        withenoughcourage

        Whoa. So now the whole “you can’t give me a bad review” thing is actually being turned into lawsuits? Every part of this makes me really uncomfortable.

        What could her grounds have possibly been?!?!

        July 25, 2014
        |Reply
        • Copyright infringement for reading entire chapters.

          July 25, 2014
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          • Mouse
            Mouse

            well couldn’t you summarize the chapters and then read selections that way you get into that grey area of review and analysis. I’d pick the most head-explodey ones to do so- but that might skirt around E.L James butthurt banhammer.

            July 28, 2014
  17. I recommend the Boss to anyone who talks to me about Fifty Shades of Grey! And I go on and on about how people really shouldn’t be isolating anyone from their family and friends. I’ve converted atleast one friend onto the Boss (and the Girlfriend and the Bride) so I feel like I’m fighting the good fight.

    July 24, 2014
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    • Ange
      Ange

      Me too! I’m mostly posting it around Celebitchy, the commenters there are generally quite smart and I feel like they’d get into it. 🙂

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
  18. Megan
    Megan

    I just got done reading your “50 Shades Freed” blogs last night in anticipation for the “official” first trailer of this disaster. I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I don’t even know if I can muster up the strength to go to the movie theater and hate on it like I did with the “Twilight” movies. A group of my friends and I would go opening weekend to the “Twilight” flicks and just sit there and rag on them in the middle of the theater and piss everyone off around us. I would love to do the same for this, I just don’t know if I have it in me. Maybe if I went with you, it would make the experience so much more enjoyable!!! LoL!!! I’d love to hear your running commentary as this train wreck speeds towards a catastrophe of chemical spilling proportions!!!

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  19. Janine
    Janine

    Any thoughts re: which domestic abuse charity/shelter to donate our 50SOGHateWatchBucks to?

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • Queen Mab
      Queen Mab

      I’m donating my $ to an organization in my area, Susquehanna Valley Women In Transition. The organization has done so much for battered women.

      July 26, 2014
      |Reply
      • Janine
        Janine

        Thanks!

        August 12, 2014
        |Reply
  20. Ellie
    Ellie

    I found this due to a friend posting a link on Facebook. I love your recaps and honestly can’t believe they made this into a movie! Then again, I can’t believe the books sold as many as they did and I can’t believe how many people loved them. o_0

    July 24, 2014
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  21. Samantha
    Samantha

    So I was reading this, and I suddenly thought… I wonder if EL James really liked that Piano In The Dark song from 1988.
    http://youtu.be/H7u5GtSIC5k

    Also. Man, I cannot believe this is a movie. I knew, intellectually, that this was happening, but seeing like… footage? I’m having a hard time.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  22. Ellie
    Ellie

    I found this due to a friend posting a link on Facebook. I love your recaps and honestly can’t believe they made this into a movie! Then again, I can’t believe the books sold as many as they did and I can’t believe how many people loved them. o_0

    July 24, 2014
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    • Ellie
      Ellie

      A lot of these are my exact reactions…Number 27 is number one for me though.

      July 24, 2014
      |Reply
  23. Megan M.
    Megan M.

    Ugh. My husband knows I hate 50 Shades so he gleefully pulled up the trailer and played it for me on his computer and I was like “Noooooo! I’m going to be assaulted by it enough times on actual TV!” because some show I DVR’d last night literally played the teaser trailer twice in one five-minute commercial break. And I’d actually forgotten that it was three books, which means… more movies. It won’t even be over after this. So. Depressing.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  24. MayaB
    MayaB

    One good side of the trailer – I realized that there are no 50 SOG fans among my facebook friends. Hooray!
    Also – am I the only one who felt shivers when they showed Ana and Christian going in the elevator (0:51 and around 1:05 in the video). I’ve read the books, so I know it’s supposed to be super-duper-mega–ultra-sexy moment, but I still felt horror. It looked to me as if Christian was attacking her. And with the music background, you’d expect that the elevator will blow up… at least.
    And as last – instead of going to the cinema, why don’t you stream this pile of c**p online and save your money/donate them as Jenny suggests? I don’t live in the US, so I don’t know how the things are there, but there are quite a lot of sites for free streaming. And even if it’s not quite legal… well, there are proxies. 🙂

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • Dracon Ra
      Dracon Ra

      I have friends on fb and in real life, who like the book. On told me, I quote:
      “The only reason why I don’t like 50 Shades is, because I don’t dare to let myself enjoy anything romantic. Because I gave up on love.”
      Well, yes, that’s probably why I can’t keep the romance out of my one writing, no matter how hard I try. And yes, I am very happy with the thought of becoming the “crazy lady with the strange, thin dogs”. Better than a shitty relationships, like the one in those awful books.

      July 24, 2014
      |Reply
  25. So funny. That makes as much sense as saying women who don’t like it are sexually repressed.

    I’ve lived with someone for nine years and we’re getting married. I’m not going to detail my sexual history, but based on the reactions of most 50 Shades fans to the sex in the books, I don’t think I’m the repressed one by far.

    And I hate everything about the books.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  26. Promise
    Promise

    Part of me wants to stand out the theater and hand out domestic abuse pamphlets to people as they walk out.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • Zev
      Zev

      Good idea.

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
  27. A. Noyd
    A. Noyd

    Chedward doesn’t just look like a high school senior but a senior who only stopped getting his ass kicked by the freshmen when he finally went through puberty over spring break.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  28. Alison
    Alison

    If I didn’t know anything about the books, I would have thought I just saw a trailer for a horror movie. Like, a movie about a charismatic and evil predator who preys on vulnerable girls. I could see this being a thriller where she’s trying to escape a destructive relationship but he won’t let her go. Something like “Sleeping with the Enemy”. I did not get a sexy, romantic vibe at all. Are they trying to trick people into the theater by making it look like a thriller? Won’t people be pissed when they watch it and it’s actually a banal romance novel?

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • This was my exact impression from this trailer. It looked like it was for a dark psychological thriller, not a romance.

      If I knew nothing at all about 50 Shades at all, I’d probably want to see it based on this trailer and be pissed as hale at what it ended up being.

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
  29. Kat
    Kat

    That was the scariest version of a song I’ve heard since Tori Amos covered Eminem’s “97 Bonnie & Clyde”. Why, Beyoncé, why?! Definite horror movie vibe in this trailer, thanks in part to the new version of “Crazy in Love”. If any of my coworkers start gushing about this movie, I’m going to have to leave the room so I don’t get written up for cursing them out. My one hope is that the actor who plays Christian will become as jaded as Robert Pattinson, and will mock and ridicule his role whenever and however he can.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  30. You.are.my.favorite.

    There’s no way I’m seeing this crap in theaters (things I’ve seen in theaters in the past ten years: The Hunger Games. The end.) so I won’t be buying a ticket, but I’m totally game for donating twice the price to a domestic abuse charity. And then tweeting about it. We need a hashtag for this movement.

    Now I’m going to go write some fanfic about someone else’s characters and, you know, not change their names and make them a little rapier and pretend like I made them up.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  31. Alex
    Alex

    Well, I don’t have the money to see this movie in theatres and donate to a DV centre, so…I’ll just pirate the movie and donate to the DV centre.

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  32. jennifer
    jennifer

    I can’t. Well, actually, I can… I’ll wait til it’s on dvd (guessing it will only take 3 months after the theatrical release) and I’ll throw tampons at the tv. The only way I can get through this is if I treat it like the Rocky Horror of Fanfiction.

    However, I am looking forward to your brave account of the movie first. Bless you.

    (also, the chedward actor’s face looks like a clay forensic model…dead eyes and not-quite right features. Guy needs his beard)

    July 24, 2014
    |Reply
  33. Angie
    Angie

    How about instead of paying for a movie ticket, downloading it for free (I’m sure it will be available from about 3 hours after it’s released!), and then donating to a charity?!

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  34. Teresa B
    Teresa B

    I read an article a while ago that the producers were going to push all three books into one film. EL said she was “disappointed” that it wasn’t going to be three separate movies. Also its sad because they probably cut out all the crap parts like her subconscious/inner goddess monologue and her saying Holy Crap! 500 million times….. I’d even be surprised if they put in the part where she trips and falls into his office. They can’t make the heroine look like an ass in front of Chedward on screen……..

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
    • Mitzy247
      Mitzy247

      The producers probably realized there wasn’t enough material to span three movies. The production wasn’t smooth, either. I was hoping that maybe the writers and actors could improve on the source material a bit, but this trailer does not give me hope. Crossing my fingers that this movie is the ultimate trolling of 50 Shades fans by this actually being a horror movie. Bait and switch!

      (Funny note: Auto-correct tried to change “span” to “spam,” and I almost kept it because it still would have made sense.)

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
  35. AD
    AD

    Every time I see somebody reading the steaming pile of shit that is 50 Shades, I do my level best to redirect them to The Boss! Thank you for doing it right!

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  36. Jon
    Jon

    With the ‘Why Beyoncé?’ crowd here. I am possibly behind the times but it was only recently I began to think she had sensible things to say on gender matters. It seems she has to rejoinnthe long list of prominent celebrities I have issues with 🙁

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
    • withenoughcourage
      withenoughcourage

      Eh, I’ve always read her as a very baby feminist most of the times (especially since she only recently called herself one) and thus can give her a bit of a (teeny, tiny, minuscule) pass on learning more about the difference between abuse and BDSM as she progresses. A LOT of young feminists I know struggle with the sexuality piece of the feminist puzzle. And I often point them to Jenny’s 50 Shades series to get them started.

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
  37. withenoughcourage
    withenoughcourage

    I definitely recommended your book on Facebook with the line, “For all you 50 Shades fans, read this book! For all you 50 Shades haters, also read this book! It’s free and awesome and it’s a series!”

    I later found out my very religious MOTHER was reading it at WORK due to my rec. So apparently my status was enough to convert even the most surprising demographic on my Facebook.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  38. Somewhere, Charlie Hunnam is watching this trailer and is like this gif:

    http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/iamtheliquorr/popcorn/kpopcorn_zps854ea957.gif

    Jamie Dornan looked good in OUAT but he looks so beige here. He needs the scruff. Ana’s look reminds me of Anne Hathaway pre-makeover in The Devil Wears Prada.

    As I said in an earlier comment, the trailer totally made this movie look like a dark psychological thriller, kind of like Secretary meets Sleeping With the Enemy. It absolutely did not look romantic. If I had no idea what 50 Shades was really about, I’d probably be tempted to see this and then be mad at what it really was. I wonder if the trailer was edited that way on purpose, lol.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  39. Lieke
    Lieke

    I’m going to see this. Sigh. It’s going to be like Twilight all over again. I thought that the book was boring and annoying as a fuck, yet when the film was out I watched it because I thought it wouldn’t (couldn’t) be as bad as the book. It had pretty people! They would make everything better!

    They did not.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  40. Dracon Ra
    Dracon Ra

    Oh, I just remembered, I wanted to link this take on the trailer, wouldn’t we all love this plot twist:

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  41. bert
    bert

    I can already predict that this movie is going to s-ck. She looks way too old to portray a 21 year old gal. And Jamie is cute, but not as sexy as described in the book. I still don’t get why that book deserved a movie adaptation, it was not that good. Ugh. https://vid.me/gyb

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  42. Betty
    Betty

    Wait a minute. From how she looks in this trailer Dakota Johnson isn’t nearly waif-like enough to play Ana.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  43. Chantelle
    Chantelle

    Please please PLEASE don’t pay money for this. Pirate it instead.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  44. Katharine
    Katharine

    That trailer makes me sad because I think it actually has a lot of potential. It could be the trailer for a pretty decent Eyes-Wide-Shut-meets-Sleeping-Beauties type of gritty psychological romance. But it’s not. It’s for 50 Shades. Which is a tragedy.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  45. Katharine
    Katharine

    Also, is there any chance you’re going to offer a “Boss” box set at some point in the future? Because I have a friend who is a 50 Shades fan who needs to be given those.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  46. I will so hatewatch and donate money with you. I probably will have a whole team of us to do that, and then set off your phone like a vibrator (because that sounds awesome).

    Side note, I bought my mom the Boss trilogy for her birthday, and this is a woman that can only read about a page a night before she goes to sleep. Dad told me he’s not getting any sleep anymore because she’s up all night with the light on, and has almost finished all three books in a week and a half. So go Jenny. 😀

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  47. I would read The Billionaire’s Haunted Helicopter over 50SoG any day. I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch the trailer yet. I kind of want to but at the same time I’m doing the equivalent of a kid pretending that not looking at something means it’s not there.

    On another note, I saw Mara Wilson plugging your stuff the other day, which is just awesome.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  48. Cheryl
    Cheryl

    I just want the damn song…without having to keep re-watching the trailer….

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
    • Queen Mab
      Queen Mab

      I’m the same way. I’m disappointed Beyoncé is attached to this, but at the same time I want to hear the song.

      July 26, 2014
      |Reply
  49. imc
    imc

    Is it my or does Ana *never* bite her lip in the trailer??!! So weird.

    I’m still undecided whether I’ll watch this at the movies or not. I guess it’ll depend on whether any of my friends will want to go or at least want to go with me.
    The idea of however indirectly giving any money at all to E.L. James sickens me, but I borrowed the books because lots of people were raving about them: I knew they weren’t any good but couldn’t really say anything against them, if I hadn’t checked myself. By the same logic, I wouldn’t stand being told “oh, but the movie is so, so great” without being able to respond firsthand.

    Then again, I tend to be more tolerant about movies than I am about books. I invest much less time on them, so I don’t really mind it if they are mediocre but still offer at least some entertainment. And I just generally love going to the movies.
    Weak characterization is easier to forgive in movies, because of the time constraints, and if the dialogue is clunky and the actors uninspiring, at least even an average director can manage good sets and scenery shots. Moreover, in this particular instance, the movie won’t escape from the problematic plot issues, but at least I’m hoping that the medium will help us rid ourselves of some of the most annoying parts of the books, namely Ana’s imaginary friends and the email exchanges.
    Also, the sex will be much easier to shoot in an alluring way than it would have been to write it well, and it wouldn’t take much to make it not seem stuck in an endless loop.

    All in all, this has no chance of ever being a good movie, but it will most probably prove an improvement on the source material.

    The music, though, is creepy as hell and I find it rally grating, especially at the end.

    That said, Chedward seems on the verge of adolescence and Ana looks like his mother. Not in the creepy “I want to hurt you, and fuck you, because you look like the crack whore” way. Simply in the “at least 16 years older” way.

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
    • imc
      imc

      *me

      July 25, 2014
      |Reply
  50. Alison Gunn
    Alison Gunn

    Ummmmm…….. Why does Christian Grey look so much like Dobie Gillis????

    July 25, 2014
    |Reply
  51. Kimberly
    Kimberly

    The real problem with the trailer is that Jamie Dornan isn’t playing Chedward psycho enough. In my mind, Chedward has Tom Cruise INTENSE eyes/voice at all times. This dude can barely muster up the energy to stare creepily. He’s not bringing it.

    July 26, 2014
    |Reply
    • Queen Mab
      Queen Mab

      I see a lot of Razzie Award nominations and/or wins for this movie.

      July 26, 2014
      |Reply
  52. Jessica
    Jessica

    I’ve already recommended the Boss to a few friends for that very reason. Actually, my recommendation went something like this: “I suggest you actually read 50SOG first, because its painfully/hilariously bad. Then read Jenny’s recaps to reaffirm to you that it is painfully/hilariously bad. Then read the Boss series, to redeem the shitty one you read first, and get what you were actually looking for in the first place that 50SOG didn’t provide: a sexy, well written novel.

    July 26, 2014
    |Reply
  53. Jenni
    Jenni

    I’m with the people that will wait for this trash to be available on a streaming platform somewhere.
    I just feel, that if a bunch of people rush out to watch the movie, with the intent of making fun of it, and make it a box office hit, E. L. James will have even more reason to feel that she can ignore the problems that Jenny and others like her are trying to point out in the series. James won’t care why you went to see it, she’ll just see the dollars and dollars that you “haters” are bringing her. I think half the reason she has made so much from the books is due in part to the people who just wanted to buy the book to “make” fun of it, and didn’t wait to rent it for free at the library.
    But yes, I would encourage everyone to not give James anymore reason to feel like she’s doing the bdsm community and “sexually repressed” women a favor, and keep those box office numbers, at least for the first couple of weeks LOW!

    July 27, 2014
    |Reply
  54. Louise
    Louise

    I wish I had money to have big stickers made that say ‘An Abusive Relationship’ and every poster I come across advertising this piece of crap I want to put a sticker over the ‘Grey’ part.

    July 28, 2014
    |Reply
  55. Stephanie
    Stephanie

    Oh my. My inner goddess thinks we are literary soul mates. And I use the word literary very loosely when referencing 50 Shades of Crap. This was so entertaining. Thank you.

    July 28, 2014
    |Reply
  56. Nadia Oliver
    Nadia Oliver

    The only part of the trailer to the trailer I saw was him walking shirtless and his pants hanging “that way” I laughed and turned the channel.

    July 28, 2014
    |Reply
  57. bitrswtt
    bitrswtt

    Seriously, if people in the nyc area plan to go hate watch, I’m down. My friends and I across the country, as well as the globe have already discussed hate watching it together by “other means.”

    July 29, 2014
    |Reply
  58. Alex
    Alex

    Heh. That was actually so much worse to watch than it was to read. Like so-much-worse. Things that I pictured in my head as somewhat rapey, or even pretty darn rapey, are full on call SVU status here. The thing at the table with his family seriously made me feel a little queasy. Non-consensual sexual humiliation and degradation… gee… dreamy….

    July 30, 2014
    |Reply
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  61. zee
    zee

    On the horror movie theme – the second shot, where she’s in the reception? She looks like Jack Nicholson’s wife in the Shining.

    I hate the trailer, beyond what you’ve said. It’s so jarring. It plays like a sweet, bland, typical romance movie, and then all of a sudden there’s nudity and whips. The juxtaposition is awful. And even the BDSM shots are basically of her naked back.

    August 2, 2014
    |Reply
  62. Erin
    Erin

    Gah! I’m late to the party! Warning: screenwritery geekiness ahead.

    I have a certain morbid professional interest in this. I don’t know the screenwriter personally, but I know of her, and she’s a damn good writer and a very cool person. She also got cut out of the process early on, and I get the impression she a) has no idea what the finished film will look like, and b) is more than a little apprehensive about it. There’s been a script polish and a script doctoring session (I smell WGA arbitration!) since she left, so . . . yeah. I really, really hope Kelly doesn’t get burned by this festering heap of a story. She doesn’t deserve it.

    August 3, 2014
    |Reply
    • If she agreed to take on the project and she lent her skills and name to it, she deserves whatever happens.

      I have no respect for any single person, from producers to writers to actors, involved in this project.

      You lay down with swine, you get muddy. It’s not as if these books — how terrible they are, how terrible the author is and how nasty everyone attached to them is — was some kind of secret.

      August 4, 2014
      |Reply
  63. Erin
    Erin

    A few statistics:

    Women writers make up roughly 25% of the screenwriting industry (for film). They are underrepresented by a factor of 3 to 1, and are paid 77 cents for every dollar their male peers (and competitors) make.

    In 2012, 45% of registered screenwriters were unemployed.

    These statistics are fairly consistent from year to year, and all taken from the Writers Guild West reports at http://www.wga.org/uploadedFiles/who_we_are/HWR14.pdf

    I don’t know what Kelly’s circumstances were. It’s possible she could have walked away from this job with no consequences, although I doubt it. Turning down a job you’re been picked for is an excellent way to never work with a studio again. It’s also possible that her choices were take this vs. be unemployed for the year, or take this vs. burn a lot of bridges and possibly lose her career. I don’t know. I wasn’t there.

    So I’m going to reserve my scorn for her until I know she deserves it. It’s easy to sweepingly condemn everything associated with this movie. It gets a little harder when you remember that these are real people, with real careers, trying to make it in a very difficult profession.

    August 6, 2014
    |Reply
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  66. Jennifer
    Jennifer

    Seeing him without a beard is so weird. Jamie Dornan is a lot more attractive with a beard. I recommend watching The Fall before watching this movie and you can imagine
    Grey as a serial killer.

    November 1, 2014
    |Reply
  67. lee
    lee

    I googled “has 50 shades destroyed radical feminism”. If this post and the responses to it is anything to go by the answer is yes. I’ve followed this 50 shades crap, and the books are crap, with interest. The one really interesting thing about it is the response from the radical feminists. They are scared. By a really poorly written piece of fan-fiction. That tells me that radical feminism has no relevance to women. To regain that relevance try fighting for something women care about. Fgm of 8 year old girls perhaps. Or would that be too much like hard work for all you middle class white ladies?

    December 3, 2014
    |Reply
    • Melicious
      Melicious

      huh?

      radical feminists?

      middle class? speak for yourself, pal.

      i’m neither a radical feminist nor middle class, and these books terrify me. there is so much wrong with them, and you don’t need to be a feminist (radical or otherwise) to recognise that. also, it’s possible to care about more than one “women’s issue” at a time.

      February 19, 2015
      |Reply
    • FarFarAway
      FarFarAway

      Umm… Lee, sweetie? Have you even read the recaps on this blog?

      Oh, and sorry, not white. And Jenny (and other commenters on this blog) have been very candid about their past and/or present struggles with poverty.

      And sorry again, but I’ve never heard a feminist call herself (or himself) a “radical feminist.”

      Go read a book–anything but Fifty Shades of Shit.

      March 20, 2015
      |Reply

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