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“Nobody wants to hear about your stupid dream, Jenny!” Fuck that, yes you totally do.

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If you’re new here, you should know that I’m one of those horrible people who hates to hear about other people’s dreams but constantly talks about their own. I figure this is okay because I love dogs, so that kind of evens things out and keeps my dick level low to moderate.

Anyway, like the last dream I forced upon the public, this one requires some understanding of who people are. Like these two ladies, here:

broad city

This is Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson, whose show, Broad City, is one of my current television favorites due to the consistently cringe-inducing second-hand embarrassment-based story lines.

You also should know who Craig Ferguson is. I can’t imagine that you are on the internet and you don’t; they’ll practically delete your Tumblr if you haven’t reblogged a minimum of two .gifs of him:

craig_ferguson_a_p_0

He’s also the face/voice inspiration for Ian Pratchett in my Bossverse novels, and since Ian is the hero of the project I’ll be working on in March, I’ve had him and Penny on the brain. So, I’m not sure if it’s Craig Ferguson in my dream, or Ian Pratchett. Either way, this is what he looked like.

The last component here is this dude:

Two-Balls-Comedy-Gold-4-550x687

The evil King Richard from Galavant.

So, here’s how the dream went: I was somehow, miraculously, hanging out with Abbi and Ilana, and I get a call. It’s from Craig/Ian (actually, now I’m pretty sure it was Ian, because he’s the only person in this scenario who is an extension of my own thought and therefore would know my telephone number) and he’s like, “I just had knee surgery, can you bring me an ice pack?” We’re like, yeah, totally, we can bring you an ice pack, and we all head off to go.

So, we took off and I was being totally hilarious and witty just like them, and we were the very best of friends. And our adventures were awesome, but the entire time I was thinking, “Man, Craig Ferguson really needs this ice pack, I bet his knee is killing him.” We went to a store to buy ice packs, and they didn’t have any, so for some reason we went…

to a castle.

And apparently, a castle where bad things could happen to us, because we were suddenly plunged into this whole “evade the guards” scenario where we were trying to sneak around, but we were just getting lost deeper and deeper in the castle, until we found ourselves in this bedroom full of like, powder wigs and crowns. And I was like, “Guys. This is the king’s bedroom. We better get out of here, because we’re going to get caught and executed for treason or some shit.”

Then some guards came in, and the king was with them. We hid under the bed, but my cell phone rang, and it was Craig/Ian saying, “Where the hell is my ice pack? I asked you to do this one thing.” I don’t know why I answered, since we were hiding, but Abbi and I ran, and somehow, the way dreams are, I guess Ilana got separated from us. We looped back around and found Ilana hanging out with King Richard and vaping weed on this giant king bed. So we all sat around and got high and were having a generally good time until I remembered, holy shit, we have to get Craig/Ian that ice pack!

I called home and asked Mr. Jen if we still had any ice packs, and he was like, “No, we had to throw them out.” Which checks out, because our daughter is a total hypochondriac and she’s always hoarding disposable ice packs and hot water bottles and heating pads in her room, and we’ve had to throw out so many ice packs she’s just kind of wandered off and left to get punctured or stepped on or whatnot. So I’m like, shit. I need to find an ice pack.

In the end, we went to Mr. Jen’s store and just bought up all the frozen peas, and raced to the address Craig/Ian gave us. It was the fucking hospital! We were all furious, because obviously they have ice packs in a hospital, right?

That’s when the dream ended and I woke up.

I have no idea what this dream was about. I guess it was probably about nothing, because my dreams often don’t have any real significance. But it was a nice change from the dreams where I’m looking for a public restroom and all of them are filthy.

 

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16 Comments

  1. TayciBear
    TayciBear

    I think you are not ready for the end of Merlin season 5 so you are making excuses to not complete your final quest. You’re welcome.

    February 1, 2015
    |Reply
  2. That’s better than my dream from last night… Weird murderous dinosaur/cat thing.

    February 1, 2015
    |Reply
    • Ilex
      Ilex

      I dreamed about trying to edit my novel, and having constant trouble with the computers I was doing it on.

      Not surprising — editing seems to have turned into Zeno’s paradox, so I’m never, ever done … 🙁

      February 1, 2015
      |Reply
  3. Candy Apple
    Candy Apple

    …I have the disgusting bathroom dream, too, except it is also full of people having an orgy.

    February 1, 2015
    |Reply
    • Ilex
      Ilex

      I have variations on the “can’t use the bathroom” dream. Sometimes there is no toilet in any of the stalls. Sometimes the bathroom is full of men, even though I’m sure it’s a women’s room. Or I go into the bathroom, and all the walls dissolve …

      February 1, 2015
      |Reply
      • Candy Apple
        Candy Apple

        I wonder what it all means….

        February 2, 2015
        |Reply
  4. pinkoeria
    pinkoeria

    I thought I was the only one with the disgusting public toilet dream… Your dream sounds quite entertaining though, can’t remember when I last had a good dream.

    February 1, 2015
    |Reply
  5. Ilex
    Ilex

    Jen! You watched Galavant? I thought I was the only person I knew who stumbled onto that show. I loved nearly every minute except for that crappy “let’s pretend we’re getting another season” ending.

    King Richard was great! (And I’m almost envious he’s getting into your dreams.)

    February 1, 2015
    |Reply
    • shel
      shel

      We really liked Galavant, too… I didn’t even mind the ending, even if it was sort of WTF? Plus… Giles is Galavant’s dad!!!

      It had a great cast and was a lot of fun even if musical comedy isn’t for everybody.

      February 1, 2015
      |Reply
  6. Nanani
    Nanani

    I HAVE THE DIRTY WASHROOM DREAM TOO
    and then I wake up with a full bladder.

    February 1, 2015
    |Reply
    • shel
      shel

      I think that’s the point… the bathroom is too gross/ missing stall walls/toilets etc. so you can’t actually go… thus it saves you from peeing in your bed, since you get so frustrated you actually wake up and can go to the real and sanitary bathroom instead.

      It’s your brain helping you not wet the bed 😛

      February 1, 2015
      |Reply
  7. OH MAN, I’M GLAD I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH THE FILTHY BATHROOM DREAMS!

    I feel like we’re forming a club, here. In mine, they’re usually filthy and also have a really, really fucked up design that makes it impossible to actually use the toilets without getting bathed in filth. So stressful and annoying.

    Also, I love your dream. Now I HAVE to catch up on your Bossverse, because Craig Ferguson? YUM.

    February 1, 2015
    |Reply
  8. aimee
    aimee

    Yay, other people watched Galavant! For all trout nation citizens who enjoyed King Richard in that I implore you to watch Psych! All 8 seasons are on Netflix and Tim Omundson is one of the leads and he’s amazing, also it has Dulé Hill!

    February 2, 2015
    |Reply
  9. Laina
    Laina

    Wow, it’s really nice to know that bathroom dreams are so common.

    Mine aren’t about grossness, though, they’re about like… like there will be a giant room of toilets with no stalls, just toilet after toilet after toilet, or the stall door/walls is really short so you’re making eye contact as you’re trying to pee and it’s really awkward, or once I had one where the stall had curtains instead of walls/doors and people kept opening them, or… basically dream!me just can’t pee if people are looking XD

    February 2, 2015
    |Reply
  10. Jellyfish
    Jellyfish

    That dream sounds pretty delightful. I would like to share that last night, I dreamed I was on a super foggy front porch at a New Year’s Eve party. I was playing with a felt board (when you move the little felt shapes around to make a story) with my cool local friend and Will from Hannibal. We were all totally engrossed in making this wholesome little story with felt shapes. I wanted to ask about serial killer stuff but I was too shy.

    I have had the bathroom dream too, but usually the toilet is mysteriously missing, because apparently my subconscious knows I’m gross, and if I really had to go, a merely dirty bathroom wouldn’t faze me.

    February 2, 2015
    |Reply
  11. Cara
    Cara

    Yay Galavant and gross/missing bathroom dream comradarie! Either the bathroom is too dirty to use, the walls or missing, or the lock is broken and people are trying to come in. Never have to pee when I wake up so I think it’s more about vulnerability.

    February 9, 2015
    |Reply

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