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I’ve previously shared two stories about myself wherein my behavior was described as being diva-like by others, but which become entirely different stories once I provide further detail.

The stories that follow? Yeah, more detail doesn’t make them better. These are just three stories about me being a straight up diva.

The Sunglasses.

What Cristin tells people: It was so funny! Jenny and I were driving to Markle’s house for Jill’s surprise party, and she forgot her sunglasses and the sunlight was flashing through the trees. I didn’t want her to have a seizure, so I was like, “There are some glasses in my center console,” but she had her hand over her eyes, so I handed them to her and she said, “These feel cheap.” They were party favors from a friend’s wedding, so they actually were really cheap.

What really happened: When it’s sunny out, I’ll sometimes have seizures triggered by the light flickering down through the leaves. This is why I no longer have a driver’s license. I usually carry a pair of sunglasses in my purse, but for whatever reason, I didn’t have them on me when we were driving to Jill’s party. I was going to just hold my hand over my eyes and bear it, until Cristin was like,  “There are some glasses in my center console.” I started groping for the glasses, so she helps me out by handing them to me. They were like, that textured, Oriental Trading Company kind of plastic sunglasses, and without even looking at them I said, “These feel cheap.” And it sounded like Mallory Archer saying it. It was just “These. feel. cheap.”

Cristin told me they were a wedding favor, so they really were cheap, and now we laugh about it all the time. HA HA HA HA I’M AN A-HOLE!

The Spa.

What happened: I received an email last week from a local spa that my husband I love. It’s in an old brick school house, has private dressing rooms with amazing showers–eleven shower heads–and saunas in the private dressing rooms. We love that place. We love hot stone massages. We are total middle-class trash.

Anyway, in this email, the spa says their building has sold, and as of May 6th, they’ll be combining with a new spa that’s in like, an office building or a strip mall or something that is definitely not the place with the amazing amenities. I was heartbroken, and I got on twitter and typed, “AHHHH NOOOO! MY FAVORITE SPA IS CLOSING!”

Thank GOD I had the foresight not to send it. I have a timeline full of people talking about college financing inequality and food deserts and raising the minimum wage, and I’m going to get on there like, “THE TOTALLY NEEDLESS LUXURY SERVICE I LIKE WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE TO ME! ALL IS ASHES!” Jesus Christ.

For some reason, I had a second thought like, “Well, maybe if I explain that I was planning to go there for Botox…” Yeah, no, that doesn’t make it better, a-hole.

The Taxi.

What Jasmine and Gloria tell people: We were waiting in line for a taxi at the Planet Hollywood hotel, here comes Jenny, right to the head of the VIP line, and steals our Taxi.

What really happened: That’s exactly what happened, but worse. I was going out with some friends, while Jasmine and Gloria were going to head to Fremont street to check things out down there. Well, because my friend Stella is awesome, she managed to wrangle me a Diamond level VIP card with Caesar’s Palace owned and cooperative properties. Which meant bypassing the line at a lot of places. No joke, on a Saturday night, outside of Caesar’s Palace, there were at least three hundred people waiting in the taxi line, and we just walked right past them. It was awesome. But back to Planet Hollywood. Jasmine and Gloria were waiting for a cab, they were finally next in this huge long line, and my friends and I roll up and steal not just that cab, but the next one, too. But I didn’t realize that was what happened at the time (I just sort of spaced out and forgot that one cab line was for VIPs and one was for not-VIPs), so I saw Gloria and Jasmine waiting there and go, “Hi guys!” and wave at them.

I was just like, “Let me steal your cab, then wave at you, because I am an a-hole.”

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  1. Hahahahaha!! Those sunglasses are still in my car. Waiting for the luxurious hand of Jenny Trout to be laid upon them once again…so that they may again be lifted to the level of usefulness their pathetic existence longs for.

    April 28, 2015
  2. Lieke

    I love the cab stealing story. Just the feeling of it. I totally get how awesome that must have been. I would probably have gotten drunk on the power of it and started shouting things like ‘waiting in line is for suckers!’ before quickly diving into the cab. And then, like you, I would have waved at the plebs.

    April 28, 2015
  3. Anon123

    I get migraines from fluorescent lights (the more they flicker, the worse it is) and other flickering things, so I feel you! People think I’m nuts that I come indoors from the sun and *then* I put on my giant visor and sunglasses, or that I’m being difficult when I have to totally block out my vision sometimes, and I’m like, “MEDICAL CONDITION, YO.” I’m glad I’m not alone in this, though I’m sorry you suffer, too.

    Here’s my “diva” story about that:

    I got kicked out of a support group for pulling my hat over my face once when I was having one of the worst migraines of my life, even though 90% of the people there knew I get migraines and I was having trouble speaking coherently to explain. Some “support,” eh? Thus ensued blind stumbling around in circles trying to find the one totally dark place I knew of and 2.5 hours of waiting on the cold ground for the group to finish so my ride could take me home. (I know blind people can and do take the bus, but I wasn’t feeling at all able to figure out how the freak that works just then.)

    I bet they tell this incident as me being some kind of “diva,” too. “Gawd, you couldn’t speak properly or walk in a straight line, and yet you refused to do this one exercise we wanted you to do? What a total narcissist!”

    April 28, 2015
  4. Annie

    I wouldn’t think it would have been an a-hole thing to tweet about your spa closing. It sounds like a super neat little place, and if you can afford to enjoy it from time to time, then there’s no guilt in that. We all have debt and bad things happening in our lives to some degree or another, don’t feel bad about being upset that something you enjoy is going to be no more.

    April 28, 2015
  5. Lucy

    Those made me laugh. I have an a-hole moment from two years ago I’m still ashamed of.

    I was at a theme park with my friends and soon-to-be boyfriend. I’d met those friends by being a volunteer, working with adults with special needs for years.

    I was finally at the front of a really long queue for a rollercoaster when some teenage girls in a cart came by laughing and cheering, and I thought it was so rude they got to stay put for another go whilst there was such a long line. So I voiced my annoyance quite loud, even making one of the girls look uncomfortable (good! I thought that would make them think twice about doing that again!).

    But then after we finally rode the coaster and were walking somewhere else, one of my friends (who hadn’t heard me) said something about the disabled girls who got on before us. Apparently they got on the ride somewhere before the lines we used so it looked like they had already been round once. So I was like, wait what? Turns out I’d been swearing about these girls getting another go, who were actually disabled and got on earlier, making me seem like a total a-hole being angry at disabled people getting on at a separate entrance. Instead of waiting in line like the rest of us able bodied people. It was embarrassing and I hope in the end hardly anyone heard me rant.

    May 1, 2015

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