I’ve previously shared two stories about myself wherein my behavior was described as being diva-like by others, but which become entirely different stories once I provide further detail.
The stories that follow? Yeah, more detail doesn’t make them better. These are just three stories about me being a straight up diva.
What Cristin tells people: It was so funny! Jenny and I were driving to Markle’s house for Jill’s surprise party, and she forgot her sunglasses and the sunlight was flashing through the trees. I didn’t want her to have a seizure, so I was like, “There are some glasses in my center console,” but she had her hand over her eyes, so I handed them to her and she said, “These feel cheap.” They were party favors from a friend’s wedding, so they actually were really cheap.
What really happened: When it’s sunny out, I’ll sometimes have seizures triggered by the light flickering down through the leaves. This is why I no longer have a driver’s license. I usually carry a pair of sunglasses in my purse, but for whatever reason, I didn’t have them on me when we were driving to Jill’s party. I was going to just hold my hand over my eyes and bear it, until Cristin was like, “There are some glasses in my center console.” I started groping for the glasses, so she helps me out by handing them to me. They were like, that textured, Oriental Trading Company kind of plastic sunglasses, and without even looking at them I said, “These feel cheap.” And it sounded like Mallory Archer saying it. It was just “These. feel. cheap.”
Cristin told me they were a wedding favor, so they really were cheap, and now we laugh about it all the time. HA HA HA HA I’M AN A-HOLE!
What happened: I received an email last week from a local spa that my husband I love. It’s in an old brick school house, has private dressing rooms with amazing showers–eleven shower heads–and saunas in the private dressing rooms. We love that place. We love hot stone massages. We are total middle-class trash.
Anyway, in this email, the spa says their building has sold, and as of May 6th, they’ll be combining with a new spa that’s in like, an office building or a strip mall or something that is definitely not the place with the amazing amenities. I was heartbroken, and I got on twitter and typed, “AHHHH NOOOO! MY FAVORITE SPA IS CLOSING!”
Thank GOD I had the foresight not to send it. I have a timeline full of people talking about college financing inequality and food deserts and raising the minimum wage, and I’m going to get on there like, “THE TOTALLY NEEDLESS LUXURY SERVICE I LIKE WILL NO LONGER BE AVAILABLE TO ME! ALL IS ASHES!” Jesus Christ.
For some reason, I had a second thought like, “Well, maybe if I explain that I was planning to go there for Botox…” Yeah, no, that doesn’t make it better, a-hole.
What Jasmine and Gloria tell people: We were waiting in line for a taxi at the Planet Hollywood hotel, here comes Jenny, right to the head of the VIP line, and steals our Taxi.
What really happened: That’s exactly what happened, but worse. I was going out with some friends, while Jasmine and Gloria were going to head to Fremont street to check things out down there. Well, because my friend Stella is awesome, she managed to wrangle me a Diamond level VIP card with Caesar’s Palace owned and cooperative properties. Which meant bypassing the line at a lot of places. No joke, on a Saturday night, outside of Caesar’s Palace, there were at least three hundred people waiting in the taxi line, and we just walked right past them. It was awesome. But back to Planet Hollywood. Jasmine and Gloria were waiting for a cab, they were finally next in this huge long line, and my friends and I roll up and steal not just that cab, but the next one, too. But I didn’t realize that was what happened at the time (I just sort of spaced out and forgot that one cab line was for VIPs and one was for not-VIPs), so I saw Gloria and Jasmine waiting there and go, “Hi guys!” and wave at them.
I was just like, “Let me steal your cab, then wave at you, because I am an a-hole.”