In celebration of/preparation for Halloween, last night I went to beautiful Fremont, MI, to speak to the locals about the dangers of vampires. Now, as I was already two-thirds of the way into my annual seven day Halloween candy binge, I left a few details out. So, for your Halloween reading pleasure, here are Jennifer Armintrout’s Top Ten Least Known Facts About Vampires:
1. Nearly all vampires will respond to some variation of “Hey, Dracula.”
2. Peanut butter, in lieu of wooden stakes, will work just fine to kill vampires, as most vampires have severe nut allergies.
3. Some people think that a house without curtains or visible outdoor lighting indicates that Amish live inside. Not so. Vampires dislike drapes and patio lights as much as the next evil creature.
4. Also, most Amish are also vampires.
5. The leading cause of all crippling stomach pain diagnosed in the United States in 2006 was “Vampire Related Anxiety.”
6. Broadway musicals about vampires rarely succeed, due to lack of support from the vampire community. This is because vampires prefer ice shows.
7. Vampires are known the world over for turning into mist and seeping across the country side. Every time you drive your car through some fog, you’re probably killing harmless baby vampires.
8. Vampires named Dave are usually stand up guys.
9. If you pay a vampire to rake your lawn, keep an eye on him. He’ll probably cheat you.
10. Sending a vampire flowers can be a troublesome endeavor, as a recent “Dutch Fever” epidemic has left most vampires unable to tolerate the sight of tulips.