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Month: December 2021

This Viral BookTok Recommendation Is Better Than It Should Be (part two)

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In part one, I told you of the wonders of blue alien peenus.

Now, we’re gonna talk about jacking off minotaurs.

It’s not a joke, it’s not a Chuck Tingle book. Morning Glory Milking Farm is an urban fantasy romance set in a charmingly bonkers world in which various fairytale creatures live and work side-by-side with people in the normal, boring world. It’s part of a series by C.M. Nascosta, but at this point, I’m only recommending Morning Glory Milking Farm because I DNFed the other book due to reasons we’ll discuss within this review.

a cringeworthy photoshop job of a minotaur's shadow behind an old-style glass milk bottle that's overflowing, and a pair of dainty hands putting on black rubber gloves. text: Morning Glory Milking Farm C.M. Nacosta a monster bait romance

On cover alone, this book would have never ended up on my Kindle. And to be perfectly honest, now that I’ve read the book? The cover is fucking gross. However, what’s inside the cover is what matters with this one. And yes, what’s inside the cover is a story about a woman who jacks off minotaurs…into old-school glass milk bottles.

You know what? Let’s not focus on the cover.

The human heroine, Violet, is struggling financially when she finally lands a well-paying job with a pharmaceutical company in nearby Cambric Creek, a community of mythological creatures. Turns out, minotaur semen has scientific and medical applications, and these guys make a little extra cash for selling it. Violet’s job is to, well.

Look, she jacks off minotaurs. There’s no other way to put it. That’s the job. she sits under a massage-table type bench with a hole in it and jacks them off. It’s clearly inspired by milking table porn, so if that’s your kink, there’s plenty of that going on in here and it’s surprisingly hot. Just like with Ice Planet Barbarians, it’s a story that you could find on, in the best possible way. There’s solid worldbuilding, there’s heat, there’s humor, and a surprisingly slow burn on the romance plot, considering the heroine gets well acquainted with the hero’s undercarriage as the meet-cute.

Rourke is a minotaur whose POV we’re never in, so despite how much I liked this book, I can’t say that I know anything about his character beyond “he’s hot and has a fancy minotaur dick.” This is another part that has confused me; the way his dick is described, it sounds more like a horse dick than a bull dick, but that doesn’t really matter when as a minotaur, he’d just have a regular human dick, right?

Don’t get hung up on the dicks. Violet is likable, the scenes at the “milking farm” are hot, and eventually, someone fucks a minotaur. The worldbuilding is exciting to me. I mean, it’s mythological creatures living human-ish lives among humans in human-style settings. I was so excited when I realized that was the set-up. I wanted to call up C.M. Nascosta and be like, “HEY, ME TOO!” Those types of settings are so fun to write and read, and this is like if she took ’00s urban fantasy worldbuilding and went, “you know what would look great in this? Minotaur erotica.”

Now, my original intent was to finish another of Nascosta’s monster romances set in Cambric Creek, Girls Weekend. The concept was cool and I really expected to be adding it to this post as another “must-read” but I can’t. Unfortunately, Girls Weekend falls into a trap that that’s hinted at near the end of Morning Glory Milking Farm: species becomes a stand-in for race.

Once Violet and Rourke are dating, she meets his neighbors, an orc and an elf who are in a romantic relationship together. Their story is one of the plot threads in Girls Weekend, which I DNFed when it started to read a lot like sex tourism fantasies of visiting far-off places and having sex with the not-white men who live in them. In this case, the orcs read like they were a green-washed version of porn-fetishized Black guys and the pastel-colored heroines talk about them like sex is a sure thing because orcs are sex-hungry brutes. The fact that one of the elves meets up with a character who’s, for lack of a better word, biracial, and immediately describes him as having a narrower nose than other orcs was a red flag; so was the fact that upon finding out one of his parents was an elf, the elf character notes that this makes him more attractive to her.

The problem is, species getting swapped for race in fiction is a 90º slope that’s marked as a bunny hill.  You’d think you could avoid doing it by accident, but unless you’re hyperaware of stuff, you can end up rolling down the hill ass-over-tea-kettle. The monster erotica subgenre is a pounding avalanche of that trope right now, and unfortunately, Girls Weekend is another snowflake added to the pile.

But Morning Glory Milking Farm doesn’t delve quite so deeply into the idea of “biracial” orcs or interspecies relationships. The human/minotaur incompatibility of Violet and Rourke is largely constrained to stuff like having to get special detergent to break down the quarts of bull semen that end up on her sheets when he ejaculates and how to make a relationship work when one of you can’t comfortably fit inside the other’s apartment. There’s a brief conversation with the couple from Girls Weekend in which the elf hints at difficulties being in an interspecies relationship, but the culture clash element isn’t a major theme in Morning Glory Milking Farm.

I really loved and highly recommend Morning Glory Milking Farm, because it’s a fun time. Girls Weekend let me down, but I’ll give another book by C.M. Nascosta a try, in the hopes that Girls Weekend is just a dud and the same mistakes won’t get repeated. And you should give Morning Glory Milking Farm a try. It’s cute, it’s funny, it’s filthy, and it surprisingly lives up to its hype.

Jealous Haters Book Club: Crave SPECIAL EDITION

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In the last recap of Tracy Wolff’s Crave, I noted that the reference to the CW show Legacies made me a little uncomfortable, considering that the publisher’s other big hit was a series that blatantly ripped-off the original series of Roswell. I did some poking around and it definitely sounded like there were similarities, but nothing I hadn’t expected to find similar. It just looked like a bunch of common tropes.

I decided I’d just give Legacies a little watch. And I did. And I recorded it. And had to get it copyright approved on YouTube, which means that the ads you see in the video were put there by Warner Bros. Television as payback for using their content. Which, by the by, is a neat feature; I’ve got another react video waiting for a decision on a claim and it’s like, come on. Give people a break for react videos. If they’re not showing the entire movie who cares? It’s criticism and commentary for fuck’s sake. Not a bootleg.

SO ANYWAY. Here’s my video with my verdict, which I think most everybody here is going to agree with.

Oh! And while you’re watching the ol’ YouTube, subscribe to my channel. Even if you never watch YouTube or you never watch my videos (which is always okay, they’re really only on there because I think it’s fun), I’m trying to get to 1,000 subscribers so I can get back to doing my live Saturday night tarot get-togethers. YouTube took the mobile live stream function away from accounts under 1,000 subscribers and because my internet connection is so unpredictable in my rural, I’d been relying on 4G to do these broadcasts. After trying a few different methods and platforms, I had to call it quits. I would really love to hit 1,000 YouTube subscriptions so that I could get back to that!

Right. Okay. Video time. Jealous Haters AV Club.


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Slight change of plans; I was going to release this on Jennifer Morningstar’s YouPorn account, but there’s been a slight delay in getting that set up. So, please enjoy this Smashwords freebie, back from the out-of-print void!

A riveted metal background with an oval frame around the image of a corseted woman with her black lace gloved hands atop her cleavage. Text: The Pirate, The Bride, and The Jewel of the Skies, Jennifer Morningstar"


Jilted bride Lady Catherine Stelling would have never considered running away with a rogue, but that was before notorious pirate Christopher Valentine set his sights on her faithless fiance’s prized airship.

Read this fun, silly, sexy steampunk story here!

And don’t forget, I’m bringing more of my sexy steampunk back from the void! Look for details here!

High Thoughts About Animals

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The weather where I live is b-a-n-a-n-a-s where I live right now. Pain levels? Oh, through the god damn roof. I’m high as heck as a result. And I have thoughts about animals.

  • I think cats can read. My dearly departed cat BFF used to sit in my lap when I worked from bed. She’d put her paws over my wrist as I typed, and she kept her eyes on the screen. Every so often, she’d turn her head and look at me with such a judgmental expression that I am certain she could read what I’d just written and she did not like it.
  • If I had too much money I would die by tiger. I have this dream of winning the lottery (which I never play) and opening a tiger sanctuary like Carole Baskin’s. But I would die because I would pet the tigers. I wouldn’t be able to resist. I know it’s bad from a conservation standpoint. And I know it’s dangerous because they’re frickin’ tigers. But I would do it anyway because I have no self-control. They’re frickin’ tigers.
  • I’m afraid to realize my dream of eventually dying by tiger. My housecat, Baymax, is less than a year old and he makes me afraid of tigers. Baymax is a loving cuddle bug like 90% of the time. The other 10%, he’s a primal beast, lunging at faces and viciously attacking feet under blankets. Today, as Baymax had my whole nose in his mouth (a tooth in each nostril), I was like…what the fuck? Why do people keep tigers at their house? I would be dead right now.
  • And yet, I keep dogs that could easily kill me in my house with me. I don’t think my little pit bull could kill me. She could seriously hurt me, for sure, but I can physically overpower her dumb ass when she tries to do something aggressive. My older pit bull? Definitely she could. But I’m cool just chilling on the couch with her, trusting her not to kill and eat me.
  • I can’t believe birds and chickens and shit like that are dinosaurs. Why is this not something we’re marveling at every single day? You know those fat little round boy birds with black heads and little white cheeks? I read somewhere that those are descending from T-Rexes. WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS MORE?
  • I think some animals probably don’t give a shit about captivity. I’ve been thinking about getting a jumping spider recently but I was like, oh no, what if I do that and it’s actually cruel to keep them in a terrarium after all? And then I thought about if I was a spider, wouldn’t I dig a life where predators were not a thing, the temperature was always just right, and I always had exactly how much food and water I needed? I think the same thing about hamsters. The only thing a hamster in the wild wants is to be left the fuck alone and to eat and burrow. I don’t think they mind living in people’s houses when they’re getting what they need.
  • I think a lot of animals do and people who keep them are bullies. Why do you want a pet tiger? Those things want to go around places. I think the fact that we have to keep cats indoors is cruel, to be honest. I get that it’s a responsible thing to do but at the same time I’m like, man. Why do I think I’m the boss of these cats? But it’s like, a million times worse when it’s not a domesticated species.
  • Don’t get me started on octopuses. It should be illegal for private individuals to have pet octopuses. They’re so much smarter than we are and I know that we don’t know everything about them yet. They die of boredom in home aquariums. That’s fucked up.
  • Same for chimps and other apes. There doesn’t seem to be much difference between humans and chimpanzees and gorillas and stuff. They’re way too much like us.
  • I’m afraid of chimps and other apes. I can barely squeak by on picking up human social cues. How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to communicate with a gorilla without making a fatal faux pas? They have all these cultural rules and behaviors that are part of survival, so they take that shit seriously. My plan for if I ever run into a gorilla or a chimp or a bonobo is to just lay on the ground and hope it doesn’t notice me.

Well, it’s time for a nap. I’ll be getting high when I wake up so please share your animal thoughts.

“This doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

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CW: Infant loss, parent estrangement, grief, self-pity

The holidays are hard for a lot of people. I recognize that I don’t have the patent on that. I also recognize that not everyone feels the need to state that fact, almost as an apology for daring to have their own bad feelings about the holiday season, but I have been trained by determined child therapists to always remember that the feelings of others are bigger, deeper, more real than what I experience and therefore I should always acknowledge those (neurotypical) feelings first so as not to make everything about myself.

That’s a huge theme in this story.