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Well, that was a pothead move if I’ve ever made one.

Posted in Uncategorized

I don’t know if this has ever come up before since I keep my public persona so guarded, but I smoke a lot of weed.

A lot of weed.

Officially, so far as the State of Michigan is concerned, I’m using it to treat chronic pain due to Fibromyalgia. But it works for two other conditions I have, as well. When it’s available, I use high CBD, low THC strain called Charlotte’s Web to treat my Epilepsy. I use high THC strains to dull my pain but they also help treat my anxiety and OCD symptoms.

Obviously, the perfect time to stop using it is right before I start therapy, right?

Because I’m a ridiculous pothead, I had the thought, “you know, I’ve been smoking weed all day every day for like twelve years now. Maybe if I take a break for a month, it’ll reboot my system or something and I won’t have to smoke as much.” And I just…stopped. I stopped using a drug that I relied on to treat my anxiety while beginning therapy for PTSD.

My husband and my friend Bronwyn Green urged me to just go ahead and start smoking again, with Mr. Jen pointing out that it wouldn’t be okay to stop taking my Xanax or Zoloft “just to see what happens.” I often struggle with the urge to stop taking medications when I’m at a low point. This was no different. My brain had tricked me once again, sorting cannabis into the “not really a medicine” D.A.R.E. bullshit bin in my mind.

Nice try, brain. You stupid dick.

So, I started smoking again and hey, would you look at that? My panic attacks have lessened from three-to-five per day to whole days without one. Seriously, I have now gone two days without a panic attack. I had previously told someone that this was the most boring mental breakdown I’ve ever had because I wasn’t interested in anything. I couldn’t do anything or focus. Usually, I craft or paint or draw when I’m in a bad place. This time, I had no drive at all.

Today, I actually felt like working. I couldn’t do much, but I did some. Last night, I did some crafting. I even can watch a whole episode of The Crown at a time without wondering where the hell I am and what happened in it at the end.

I guess I’m just writing this as an update at this point. But kind of to celebrate that I was able to actually do something. I know I’m not better yet and I know there are going to be more lows. It’s still pretty cool to be able to recognize a high.

No pun intended.

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  1. Genia Pod
    Genia Pod

    Love you! You bring such joy to my life! Here to support and recognize your “high”

    November 21, 2019
  2. Donja

    The fact that it’s helping so much is definitely a sign that you need it and that is okay. I’m glad you got past that DARE programming to pick it up again. I want you to get better and I’m happy to hear that progress is happening. You can get through this! Good on Mr. Jen and Bronwyn for supporting you here.

    November 21, 2019
  3. Gwen

    I am so glad to hear that you’ve been feeling a bit better, and sorry that your brain is a dick.

    November 21, 2019
  4. Frral

    Omg I’m glad you have such good supporters. As someone who almost never comments but adores the way you write, I’m grateful for the update.

    FWIW, if anyone out there does want to cut back, there are some decent cannabis resensitization protocols available. Which you can try *when it’s safe in your life to do so*!!!

    Locally, a lot of people have been guided by this guy with apparently good results. I swear he’s way more charismatic in person, even though cannabis doesn’t agree with me personally.

    November 21, 2019
  5. Maile

    Hugs. Kick that DARE bullshit out! Remind yourself that weed can be effective for PTSD.

    November 21, 2019
  6. Zev J
    Zev J

    I’m so glad you’re feeling better, and I’m so glad for Mr Jen and Bronwyn Green!what a solid support system. I under-medicate too but for different reasons and I’m on different medications. I have considered pot, though, and live near a cluster of shops. So anyway there’s no judgment here. I hope things continue to improve and you always have access.

    November 21, 2019
  7. Ange2

    Glad you’ve had a little improvement. Best of luck with your therapy

    November 22, 2019
  8. Jules

    Always, always celebrate the highs! Lord knows we humans always wallow in the lows. You inspired me to start my own bullet journal (I’d dragged my feet on it for a long time because…it’s work!) but one of my little squares is “Accomplishments” and I write down even the smallest thing I do that isn’t part of the daily routine. Like last week when I finally learned how to put air in my tires. When I have a day where I can barely work up the effort to get out of bed to go to the loo, I can look at my list and remind myself that there are times I am actually capable of doing something. And it doesn’t matter how big that something is. There are days I celebrate the fact that I got out of bed before starving to death. Small victories are still victories.

    Also, if the drugs/meds work, take them! Today is all we have and if smoking a truck load of pot is what helps you get through today so you can have a tomorrow, then you sit there and you smoke your truck load of pot. So long as you aren’t smoking yourself out of house and home. It is nice to have a roof and food and all those things necessary to not freeze to death under a tree in the woods.

    November 22, 2019
  9. cheerfuloptimistic

    Better (willingly) drugged and feeling OK than not drugged and feeling like complete crap.

    I hope therapy helps you.

    November 22, 2019
  10. Julia

    Happy to hear this! Take the time you need, and in the meantime know that even I, a non-smoker thankfully without panic attacks, have a hard time keeping the focus when watching The Crown. <3

    November 23, 2019
  11. Dawn

    Every victory is a still a victory. I’m glad you got a little done; that can actually be a big help for your brain.

    December 17, 2019
  12. RieaMiea

    Listen, you gotta find the light in the dark where and when you can. So yay on your high

    January 4, 2020

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