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Inner Goddess journal sneak peek

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One of my tweeps, who will remain anonymous so I don’t accidentally impact her livelihood, managed to get her hands on a copy of E.L. James’s soulless cash grab writing journal, and took pictures to share with all of you:

I assume the key is a metaphor for unlocking the secrets of blatantly ripping off another author’s work and making crazy mad bank on it.

But what does it look like inside?

I imagine this is what people will be saying when someone shows them this styled up and branded blank book and says, “It cost $9.99.”
When it was first announced, we were horrified to learn that Inner Goddess: A Journal was going to feature writing “advice” from E.L. James herself.

Isn’t that just the most precious advice from a fanfic writer? Shake off the bullshit and you find the core of the sentiment: “I didn’t write it for you, I wrote it for myself and I don’t care if you like it!” Spend any time at all perusing the reviews at FanFiction.net and you’ll find this same statement over and over from immature authors responding to even the mildest forms of criticism. I can only assume further pages of Inner Goddess share wisdom like, “I had to write it for school, I don’t care what you think!” and “Don’t like, don’t read!”

One must assume “So long, suckers,” was considered tacky.
Heads up, you could buy nine notebooks at the Dollar Store for the amount you would pay for this one. Alternately, for four more dollars you could buy a Moleskine, and those fuckers last forever. Also, no one has written a bunch of twee shit about reaching for your dreams inside of it. 

So, a fool and his money, I guess is what I’m getting at here.

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The cover for Nightmare Born shows the silhouette of two teens facing each other, holding hands in front of a night sky. There's a scary dracula-looking castle on a hill in the background and a full moon in the clouds. The title and two logos for the Google Play and Apple App store show beneath my name.

125 Comments

  1. I….never mind. 🙁

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  2. What isn't revealed is that if one writes in the journal using their blood, the souls of tortured authors will convene in a swirl of ectoplasm and fire, to rip eyeballs out of the offending.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  3. Jo
    Jo

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  4. I think we should play a little game on Twitter. Anyone for the hashtag “#thingsIdratherbuythanInnerGoddess?” 😉

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  5. I would see it burned. But then I remember the poor trees who gave their lives so that this abomination against Literature could live. We live in such a bitterly unfair world.

    So I would see it buried as compost under new trees.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  6. MissMis
    MissMis

    I hear it also has gems like ,”I suck at summaries so just read and review kthanksss”

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  7. Nim
    Nim

    This is pretty awful, but I'm glad that at least we don't have to suffer an ACTUAL book about writing advice written by her. I'm sure she just basically paraphrases all the motivational writing quotes from brainyquote or some such other site.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  8. So, is the “Holy Crap” an added-on photoshopping liberty, or did they seriously put that into the journal?
    I should buy this and copy in all my terrible attempts at erotica-writing and fan-ficcing. I like to come up with ideas that are too terrible to share with the rest of the world – kind of like 50 Shades, maybe I could be a millionaire too!

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  9. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    You know… I want to make fun of this SO HARD… and then I think… but, there are people that would be really good writers if they just had a little incentive and encouragement. Sure, more of them would be terrible writers. But people are constantly discouraged from doing any damn thing creative. Imma let this one go. (But, yeah. Moleskine ftw.)

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  10. In all fairness, the trees used were grown just for their paper making potential. So, you can sacrifice the book, torch it, and use the ashes as fertilizer so you don't have to worry about the ink poisoning new trees.

    Although, I really hate the idea of burning books. But to “render the book fit for fertilizer” is something else.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  11. That is a most excellent idea.

    And yes, the poor trees didn't know they'd be used for this. It's still a shame that they were sacrificed for such a heinous purpose. But then again, I could say the same about everything ever made to support 50 Shades (including the original books themselves).

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  12. I was actually thinking the same thing: what if this actually helps people become more literate, and opens the world of reading and writing to them? What if this tripe leads them to becoming better readers and writers?

    That is the only good thing that can possibly come out of this whole 50 Shades ordeal.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  13. But if the bar is set at 50 Shades, does it matter if it makes them more literate, considering that the vast majority who enjoy the trilogy seem to lack critical thinking skills and reading comprehension? I'm cynical, I can admit it. I have visions of high schoolesque “Mrs. Christian Grey” written in hearts on every page.

    Jenny said it right: invest in plain notebooks. If the urge to get creative with writing is there, the receptacle of words doesn't need EL James' snail trail all over the paper to make it a valid attempt. But that's my two cents.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  14. Good points all around, but I was assuming a progression of “seeking higher quality reading material, developing literary criticism skills, coming back to realise 50 Shades is utterly terrible” rather than stagnation. I know I've come to look back at the things I read and wrote when I was younger, and regarded them with utter dread.

    But yes, I agree that any notebook is better than this one, I'm just trying to wrest a sliver of positivity from the all-consuming black hole of despair that is the whole 50 Shades affair.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  15. You know, as a fanfic writer (oh lord, my WIPs, I'm going to get back to you, I swear), the “write-for-yourself” advice should actually be the one that gets you most nervous about it, ESPECIALLY if you decide you're going to put it up. I mean, even on ff.net, I get nervous when I update because in some cases, the stories will be the result of a lot of intense mental grappling on some issues that still affect my worldview and how I cope with things.
    That said, I'm not writing my wish-fulfillment fantasies. And I don't mean that in a 'dance of superiority way,' just I prefer keeping those to my brain where they seem less embarrassing. I would think if you're putting those out there- you'd have even more reason to be fearful, since any criticism does then become personal.
    I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I don't have anything against writing for oneself really- I just think the quote is trite and laughable, given the source.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  16. Just. The fact that this exists. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

    Also as a writer who still likes pen and paper, I kind of fucking hate writing in a notebook where stupid quotes are inserted at random into pages. It takes up real estate on a piece of paper that could contain MY words. (I don't mind so much journals with questions/prompts at the TOP of the page, because that's a logical starting place. But right in the middle? Screw that.)

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  17. I'm against government-sanctioned book burning and I'm against book burning for political reasons. But to rid the world of this abomination that puts a stain on literature in general?

    Let's do it!!!

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  18. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    why am I not surprised that it doesn't feature genuine advice? I thought it wouldbe an actual book, but this is just laughable.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  19. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I won't be surprised if she publishes an actual book of writing advice. Actually, I might read it (unlike her other books). I would love to see what she advises about writing sex scenes.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  20. Damn, that's some expensive toilet paper.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  21. Does it really count as a book yet though if nothing is written in it? I guess except for god-awful advice?

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  22. Jellyfish
    Jellyfish

    Whenever I hear the phrase “inner goddess”, all I can think of is this (massively NSFW) comic: http://oglaf.com/goddessextraction/ It makes reading the recaps just a little bit more awesome.

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  23. As I and my friends struggle to find freelance, EL James just made another $400,000 by putting her insipid fanfic on this $1 pile of bound paper.

    No one wonders why there's a litre of gin in my fridge.

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  24. While the hope is there, I think it's less than a sliver. I can picture rabid FSoG fangirls buying it, not because they will write, but because it's FSoG! You know, the same fangirls that cannot see the abuse in the pages of EL James' written auto-asphyxiation. They don't want anything more than the “perfection” of Chedward. They only bar they are interested in setting is the spreader bar, if ya get my drift.

    But, again, I'm pretty sure the End is Nigh, and these are the signs of the times.

    http://nooooooooooooooo.com/ <-- as needed until all better.

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  25. That sounds fatalistically plausible. Thanks for the link, it helped.

    Trying to rescue something from this awful phenomenon, I did come across a few memes:

    http://www.troll.me/images/creepy-willy-wonka/oh-youre-reading-50-shades-of-grey-you-hate-women.jpg

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/8508dbaf169fad58e4e8ad92580060d1/tumblr_mhx87avcXC1s2o7e0o1_500.jpg

    http://t.qkme.me/3pzcqp.jpg

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mef1h0gCOx1rmxdlno1_1280.jpg

    This one is relevant to our recent string of comments:

    http://www.tylershields.com/images/art/50-shades-of-grey.jpg

    This one reminded me of Jen:

    http://t.qkme.me/3pyeh8.jpg

    But the best thing I stumbled upon was this:

    http://i.qkme.me/3qw57x.jpg

    One glance took all the frustration away. I feel much better!

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  26. Gene Wilder did it for me. <3 He's my Squeee!

    Imagine, if Chedward and Ana got invited to Willy Wonka's factory. They would have so ended up burning in hell (or a furnace for golden goose shit), kinda like Veruca Salt.

    I'm really liking that mental image.

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  27. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Well, the difference here is that presumably you won't be publishing those thoughts online.

    I've written horribly self-indulging fanfiction where I solve mysteries with fictional characters (also there's dinosaurs), but I don't write it for anyone else and so won't publish it online.

    There's stuff I've written purely for my own enjoyement, true, and submitted it online because it was stuff I had a feeling someone else could enjoy, but when I did so, I knew I had to deal with criticism.

    There's nothing wrong with writing for yourself, the problem is that most of those people you speak of use it just as an excuse to avoid criticism. (I mean, would they say the same if their writing was praised?)

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  28. I'm just taking a few moments to thank you for this article, I absolutely needed to know there was even less in the book than I thought.

    Also, thank you to all the commenters, I've just spent several minutes chuckling to myself when I should be finding something to write about on my G rated blog.

    It's been awesome!

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  29. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    …why the hell do E.L. James think people want to hear “Laters, baby” from *her*?

    You're not the one they're fapping to, lady.

    May 1, 2013
    |Reply
  30. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I just spent three weeks reading all your recaps lol now i'm sad i'm all caught up.

    Also i find myself correcting my pronouns when i speak. My co-worker has decided i'm a nerd.

    May 2, 2013
    |Reply
  31. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I just spent three weeks reading all your recaps lol now i'm sad i'm all caught up.

    Also i find myself correcting my pronouns when i speak. My co-worker has decided i'm a nerd.

    May 2, 2013
    |Reply
  32. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I just spent three weeks reading all your recaps lol now i'm sad i'm all caught up.

    Also i find myself correcting my pronouns when i speak. My co-worker has decided i'm a nerd.

    May 2, 2013
    |Reply
  33. Oh my god I miss the days when I used to spend hours reading fanfiction. Nothing entertained me like slashfics.

    Who remembers author's notes in the middle of the text?! (a/n: I'm totally supposed to be working right now but I wanted to post this comment!) I think I need to get back into reading fanfic. There's just so much bad and good I miss about it!

    May 2, 2013
    |Reply
  34. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    You just completely ruined my productivity for the day. I hope you're happy. Holy crap why was I not reading this all along?!?!

    May 2, 2013
    |Reply
  35. I totally thought that was photoshopped on when I first saw it…but sadly I think it's really there. Why you would want “Holy crap!” emblazoned on your journal I have no idea.

    There's a book out there called “Wreck this book” or something like that – kinda want to do that to this.

    You know how else you can write without fear? By putting some actual thought and effort into your work and accepting that learning to write well is a process and you're getting somewhere.

    May 2, 2013
    |Reply
  36. Jellyfish
    Jellyfish

    😀 It's pretty much the best thing ever, right?

    May 2, 2013
    |Reply
  37. Channy
    Channy

    I'd pay $9.99 for that.

    May 3, 2013
    |Reply
  38. It's make a great gag gift to people one wants to kill with kindness.

    May 3, 2013
    |Reply
  39. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Haha, me too! That, and the dolphin from Flipper when she talks about it doing backflips.

    May 3, 2013
    |Reply
  40. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I just wanted to say, that I'm so disappointed in this blog post! I came here expecting to read the journal of Jenny Trout's inner goddess! I was eager to hear all of her innermost thoughts/dreams/criticisms/fears. I feel so let down. Oh well, maybe someday… 🙁

    May 5, 2013
    |Reply
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