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Two Things That Happened That Involved My Husband.

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Thing The First: My grandparents brought over a box of those pre-made Rice Krispies treats for the kids. You know, I remember a time when my grandparent bought ME those pre-made Rice Krispies treats, but whatever. I bitterly digress.

Anyway. I was trying to get the box open. If there is one thing I am not good with, it’s packaging. Even simple, non-window bearing envelopes give me troubles. And this box was glued shut. So, I asked my husband for help, and he just walked away. Sensing that I would perhaps exercise poor judgement in this situation, he returned to find me using one of those rounded-blade, metal icing spatulas to jimmy the box open. Picture Steve Martin in Roxanne using the credit card to open Daryl Hannah’s front door, and but with a fat lady and a box of treats. Obviously, my husband had to stop this, because he didn’t want to drive me to the ER. He muscled me out of the way, manfully tore open the box, and lifted the lid so that I could gaze upon the bounty within.
It was like looking into the Arc of The Covenant, but your face doesn’t melt off and there aren’t any Nazis standing around. Oh, and the Arc of the The Covenant is full of Rice Krispies treats.
I’m about to reach out and take one. My fingers are nearly inside the box. And that asshole slams the lid down and puts the entire stash where I can’t reach it. Not on the highest shelf in the cupboard, but on top of the very cupboard itself.
I have seen the face of true evil, my dear, dear readers. And his name is Joe.
I stood there, silently mouthing my screams of “Why! Why! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” so that my anguish would not awaken our children and disturb them or alert them to the eating of Rice Krispies treats.
And Joe said, “Why would I open the box and show it to you, like a treasure chest, then put it up on the highest spot, where you can’t reach it? For this. For this moment.”
Thing The Second: As I explained the Ana-Steele-is-Mary-Bennet slam in my recent 50 Shades Freed recap:

Jenny: “Trust me, you don’t get it because you’ve never read Pride and Prejudice, but that is a sick burn.”

Joe: “Oooh, yeah. Girl burn.”

And yes, “girl burn” was said in admiration.

 

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19 Comments

  1. l have been laughing at the Mary Bennet burn all day. like, tears. on the sides of my face. BRILLIANT.

    April 29, 2013
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  2. Damn you, Mr Jen, for being mean with the Rice Krispie treats – not cool, y'all!

    April 29, 2013
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  3. claire G.
    claire G.

    Please. You can totally get those Rice Krispie Treats! There is a way!!

    April 29, 2013
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  4. I was going to say the Rice Krispie thing sounds pretty dickish, but then I realized there are lots of stories I could tell about my generally awesome husband where he acted like a dick. Still, Rice Krispie treat denial? Not cool. I hope they were reachable with a chair or something.

    April 29, 2013
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  5. Huh, I actually didn't get the Mary Bennet thing. Maybe I would have, if I had read the book in question.

    Also, the Rice Krispie thing immediately made sense to me, as I thought “of course they're not for you, they're for the kids!” but then I realise I had missed the point.

    Sorry, Jen, I'm rubbing salt in the wound. 🙁

    April 29, 2013
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  6. I would like to believe that Joe moved the pre-made Rice Krispie treats because he wanted to make you homemade Rice Krispie treats and knew that the pre-made tastes like homemade butt in comparison.

    Dammit, I want to believe in love. Especially after reading your Fifty Shades recaps and knowing that women masturbate to that as an ideal.

    April 29, 2013
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  7. Laughing my ass off over the rice crispy treats. I miss you guys. And, really, he's saving them for the kids.

    April 29, 2013
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  8. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Something I do not understand… Can you not buy your own box of pre-made krispie treats? Or you can make them yourself that's what I do 🙂

    On the subject of P&P, I was only yesterday idling on youtube when I saw this (UK) sketch that made me think of E.L.'s “Jane Austen didn't have great music to move to” and made me giggle in a most untoward manner.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deJ9lpNBZUA

    April 29, 2013
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  9. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    This is great, now whenever I think of Ana I picture her as Mary from the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice, and Christian is always Joffrey from Game of Thrones:)

    April 29, 2013
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  10. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    This really undermines your claim that yours is a non abusive relationship. Rice Krispie Ark denial w/o prior consent is bad, mmkay.

    April 29, 2013
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  11. Anonymous
    Anonymous

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    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  12. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Mary is not that bad. I think that comparing her to Ana is too harsh.

    April 30, 2013
    |Reply
  13. Rice Krispie denial = Bad.

    Ana/Mary comparison = Awesome.

    I hope you eventually got a rice krispie treat.

    April 30, 2013
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  14. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    WHAT!?!? Rice Crispy treat fishing? I'm Gonna giggle all day over that exact image.

    April 30, 2013
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  15. I read this to my hubby. At first he looked all “wow that guy is amazing. what a great prank!” Then he saw my face and quickly changed his tune to, “Yeah. Mean old Joe.” But when I looked away he totally snickered. Guess that was a “boy burn.”

    May 1, 2013
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  16. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I was already favorably inclined towards Mr. Jen because of his drinking-daquiries-in-front-of-the-fire assessment.

    May 8, 2013
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  17. … [Trackback]

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    February 5, 2014
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  18. person
    person

    Yes the Mary Bennet burn was amazing. That you also called her a human tax audit in the same recap took that last one way over the top. I will make and ship you rice crispie treat good but I live in the bay area, so they may be like puffed spelt and brown rice syrup treats.

    February 12, 2015
    |Reply

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