In case you were wondering what it looks like when I’m speaking in public, this is what it looks like:
For the record, I have no memory of what I was talking about any of these times. But you can see my friend Jonesie in the front row at far left, probably thinking, “What is she doing? Jenny, hold still!” Hi, Jonesie!
Update on the Buffy recap, which is long in coming and I apologize profusely. What it comes down to is time, and right now all of mine is devoted to getting The Bride in front of readers in March as promised. Usually, I’m able to do a little juggling, but unfortunately this time around, we’re having a really bad winter and my kids hardly ever have school. You can imagine how difficult it is to concentrate on edits while at the same time breaking up a thousand fights over who gets to use the TV. So I’ve had very little time left over to work, and that’s all being channeled directly into The Bride. But I’m looking SO forward to getting back to Buffy, because it’s one of my favorite things on the planet and I miss talking about it with you guys!
Another thing I’ve been dealing with lately are my mental health issues. This is probably difficult to understand, if you’ve never had it happen to you, but I quit going to therapy. Why did I do that? I’m not sure, myself. I need therapy. I do better with it. But I can’t make myself go. I’ve been discharged from the practice because I can’t handle talking to anyone there when they send letters or call. I’ve spiraled down really far. I’m at the point where I can be “on” in front of people, but I’m fully shut down the rest of the time. But that’s starting to go away, too. I know that going back to therapy would help me get back to my coping skills, but right now I just have nothing in the way of fucks to give.
I’m so deep in now that even my dreams bum me out. Last night, I dreamed that I ran into Ron and Hermione at the grocery store, and that I had gone to Hogwarts with them and lived all the stuff in those books. And they asked me why they never saw me at wizarding stuff, and didn’t I plan to send my son to Hogwarts next year? And I felt like they weren’t judging me, exactly, but they felt sorry for me. And I woke up from that dream and I was like, “Really? I can’t even escape my nonsensical feelings of rejection and self-loathing in my dreams?”
Like, it’s at the point where I’m so depressed, I can’t have an orgasm. And you guys have to know by now that orgasms are like, my favorite thing to do.
Depression and OCD usually flare up at the same time for me, so I’m not getting a lot of sleep. I’m gripped by paralyzing fear every night that my house is going to burn down, and I have to get up as many as fourteen times a night to check all the electrical outlets. To say that my mental shit has gone way down hill is not an understatement, at this point.
So, I will be working on that. Right now, in terms of self-care, all I’m really doing is knitting and reading and watching TV and working when I can. I always bounce back. But I wanted to make it clear to you guys that this isn’t me just forgetting or abandoning the blog. It’s just a rough spot. And I want you to know how freaking valuable you all are. I know I’m extremely fortunate that I can get on here, say this stuff, and feel safe doing it. That means a lot to me, and I hope you guys all feel like this is a safe space to talk about mental health, too.
So, catch you all later, and thank you for your continued patience with me while I lay around being crazy as fuck. 😀