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Wednesday Blogging: If they’re not real, it’s not creepy behavior

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I am a crush slut. I will crush on anyone, anywhere, any place, any time. Some of my crushes have passed into legend. Okay, well. One of them. We all know which one that is.

But the point is, I just have a lot of love to give. And that love is usually expressed through… erotic daydreams about unobtainable people. It’s not weird if they’re not real people, though! It’s not creepy if you want to bang characters who just happen to look exactly like people you would totally bang in real life. Or, people in books who you lovingly fashion into a mental facsimile of those aforementioned bangable people.

Let’s just start, shall we?

#1, Rupert Giles. Duh.

giles teenage tolerator

Where do I even begin explaining how much I love Giles? I seriously could write this entire post about him. First of all, if we’re ranking seasons, season six was when Giles was at his absolute hottest:

Buffy_giles_two-to-go-gilesAnd he’s here to AVERT THE APOCALYPSE with A BUNCH OF MAGIC that he totally took on as a weapon even though dabbling with magic led to the death of his friends in his DARK AND TRAGIC PAST but NO BIG DEAL GUYS HE’S JUST DOING WHAT HE HAS TO IN ORDER TO SAVE THE WORLD.

Also, one time, he bought a magic store and spent part of season five in hot-dad-doing-weekend-chores clothes:

Screen Shot 2014-10-14 at 9.47.13 PM


He’s also the cause of some absolutely shattering second-hand embarrassment:

giles dumb costume

But he will chainsaw through a haunted house to rescue you if you are… trapped in a haunted house.

Screen Shot 2014-10-14 at 10.21.56 PM 1

I know that’s really specific in terms of attributes, but it’s important.


#2, Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

First of all, this is not a “girl crush.”girl crushGirl crush implies platonic, and I’m sorry, but I want to marry Mindy, or live with her in sin, either way. And I want to adopt a baby together that we would name Bailey and we would all dress up in themed family Halloween costumes like the Harris-Burtka family. And Bailey doesn’t mouth off as much as my actual IRL kids do. And she likes my family costume ideas.

Mindy and I would get along well because we have very similar lives.

red wine shot

We have the same pet peeves.

timely tv

And we have oddly similar psych-up techniques.

beyonce pad thai

If I were not already married to one of my soul mates, I would invent a machine so I could go into the TV and be with her. And I know you’re thinking, “But Jenny, Mindy Lahiri is into guys,” but I’ve got an imaginary machine that fixes that, too, so shut up and stop trying to tell me what to think about in the shower. You don’t know my life!

#3, Malcolm Tucker

As some of my dear friends might tell you, I’m a bit of a profanity artist myself. I am prone to grand, dramatic outbursts of obscenity when I’m angry. For example, two nights ago, while venting my rage about someone else to Bronwyn Green, and the least offensive thing I said about this person was, “Take your ancient vagina out to the ice flow with all the other mummified skanks, [awful person’s name].” The least offensive.

I have a crush on Malcolm Tucker because I find the idea of being able to let all of my bile just spew forth, like a toddler having a tantrum, to be very freeing. I have elaborate daydreams of getting into a shouting match with him, and saying the most horrible, disgusting things ever, and knowing that whatever I’m going to say is going to sound less assholeish than the stuff he’s going to say.

I’m also kind of a masochist, so I like hearing the shitty things people have to say about me.

I also feel a very strong kinship with Malcolm over one particular line:


Every time the Sunshine Sisterhood rears its adorably pink-cheeked face, I think of this scene. And I think to myself, “What would Malcolm Tuck do?” And then I don’t do that, because I want people to still like me. But I do imagine what it would be like to do what he would do, and the satisfaction is near-sexual in its intensity. I guess you could say that I don’t so much have a crush on Malcolm Tucker, as much as I have a crush on the idea of letting the awful, Malcolm Tucker-flavored bit of me just run (awkwardly) screaming through the streets.

So, those are three of my many fictional crushes. Who are the other Wednesday bloggers crushing on?

Bronwyn Green • Jessica Jarman • Kellie St. James • Kayleigh Jones

 Gwendolyn Cease • Kris Norris

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  1. Gwen Cease
    Gwen Cease

    I always loved Giles. He put up with so much and just kept going and going. Not often with a smile on his face or a song in his heart, but he did what he had to.

    October 15, 2014
  2. Missy Taylor
    Missy Taylor

    I might be in trouble for this but I have not watched any of those shows. Well I have watched random reruns of Buffy but I actually had to look up Malcolm Tucker. In my defense I do not have cable. But your reasoning… well that had me laughing.

    I will have to say I so thought you’d have a Doctor Who reference on here. Not because you have to lust after the Doctor. But how can you not just crush on the awesomeness that is the Doctor? Oh wait… this is about you not me. Oops. 😉

    October 15, 2014
    • Well technically Malcolm Tucker is the Doctor. Or at leasat they are right now played by the same actor. Which is amusing for fans of both because we get to mentally insert Malcolm Tucker’s lines into Doctor Who. I keep imagining him saying “fuckity bye” to angry aliens.

      October 20, 2014
  3. I think my ultimate fictional crush must be Ben from Parks&Rec, I’ve had so many sad moments every time I remind myself he’s not real. Sigh..

    October 15, 2014
  4. Dear God…Giles. Giles forever and til the end of time. And beyond. And stuff.

    Also, I clearly need to get some Mindy in my life. She sounds delightful. And Malcolm Tucker. He seems great.

    October 15, 2014
  5. Malcolm Tucker? MAD LOVE.

    I approve your list, Jenny Trout.

    October 15, 2014
  6. My top crush is an even split between Ron Swanson and Forrest Bonduront, tom hardy’s character from Lawless. Though I suppose Forrest is based on a real person, so I guess he might not count. But I guess burly older mountain men who don’t talk more then necessary are kind of my type.

    October 15, 2014
  7. So I know Giles is from Buffy, and I think? that Mindy is from The Mindy Project, which I’ve never seen but which Netflix has recommended to me a couple of times. Who’s Malcolm Tucker and what’s he from?

    October 15, 2014
    • JennyTrout

      Malcolm Tucker is from the movie “In The Loop” and the series “The Thick of It.” Total asshole character.

      October 15, 2014
  8. Candy Apple
    Candy Apple

    I’m crushing on Kiefer Sutherland. I KNOW! I have hated him ever since he was in “Stand By Me,” lo these many years now. How many times has he played a total asshole? ALL OF THE TIMES, that is how many times. But my brother forced me to watch the approximately one million episodes of “24” in April of this year. I did it just to shut him up, with a great deal of skepticism and animosity. Instead of nursing even MORE hatred for Mr. Sutherland, I ended up wanting to suck his dick instead. Sometimes the human mind does weird things, amirite? Whatever. I LOVE YOU, KIEFER. CALL ME.

    October 15, 2014
    • Sarah Dixon
      Sarah Dixon

      I totally lusted after kiefer sutherland in 24 and nothing else before or since.

      October 16, 2014
      • Candy Apple
        Candy Apple

        I KNOW, RIGHT?! Something about that role he played. So, yeah, my fantasy would be about Jack Bauer, I guess, not Kiefer specifically. Unless, you know, he was offering or something. Then I’d totally say yes.

        October 16, 2014
  9. Ann

    Fucking Giles and the chainsaw moment. Panty dropper. Every time.

    October 15, 2014
  10. Lieke

    I just saw Gone Girl and now I’m crushing hard on Jim Gilpin (cop played by Patrick Fugit). It’s just the combination of a guy who looks like Patrick Fugit, wears a sort-of cop uniform (with the sleeves rolled up: I’ve got an obsession with arms (and hands) that borders on a fetish) and is good at his job. Something about that is so hot. He’s gonna feature in a lot of my fantasies.

    October 16, 2014
  11. Deep Blue
    Deep Blue

    I needed someone to play the part of Evil Headmaster in my latest sexual fantasy and the first time I saw you write about your giant crush on Giles I thought HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW HOT HE IS and now he’s got the starring role inside my filthiest thoughts!

    October 16, 2014
  12. eryn

    Dr. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. I am seriously crushing on him wicked hard!

    October 16, 2014
  13. Jessica

    I’m a sucker for Jamie Fraser, of the Outlander series. I was a bit worried about how he would be portrayed on the show (look wise, I’m being completely shallow here!) and while Sam Heugan isn’t exactly what I pictured for Jamie, I am quite pleased with him as the choice.

    I’ve always had a weird thing for David Bowie as Jareth in Labyrinth.

    I’m completely obsessed with Michael Fassbender’s character in Shame. I’m not going to lie, its entirely superficial/physical and was more or less sealed by the full frontal scene. I know he’s a painfully flawed character, but something about him still draws me in (may have something to do with the full frontal).

    And last but not least, Mr Neil Elwood. Not trying to suck up to you Jenny, you simply created the perfect romantic male lead. Reading Neil and Sophie’s sex scenes made me realize I really enjoy being a sub.

    October 16, 2014
  14. Have to admit: Ben Grogan from Fairly Legal. He has such a mouth on him.

    I like the character (and portrayal) so much that I made a fan site for the actor.

    October 19, 2014
  15. Delta Juliet
    Delta Juliet

    I want to do nasty dirty things to Daniel Craig as James Bond. Mmmmmmm…..

    December 11, 2014

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