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VIDEO: What I’m Like When I’m Depressed.

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I’ve been having a rough time lately, and it occurred to me that if I made a video about it, I could give you guys a clearer picture of how depression, anxiety, and OCD all kind of wind together to make me like this. It’s a long-ish video, and it’s very whiney. I didn’t make it because I’m desperate for everyone to come out and be like, “Oh, you’re so WONDERFUL! Please don’t think bad things about yourself because YOU’RE SO MAGICAL!” or any bullshit like that. I just wanted to share this with you guys, and maybe some of you do the same stuff when you’re having a really hard time.

 

40 Comments

  1. Rachel
    Rachel

    I hope you feel better soon!

    November 20, 2015
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  2. Trish
    Trish

    I’m sorry you’re having a bad time, and I hope you feel better soon.

    November 20, 2015
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  3. Sara
    Sara

    Thank you for your honesty and for putting your feelings out there. It’s never easy. We love you Jenny and your writing. Keep doing what you’re doing because you’re amazing at it!

    November 20, 2015
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  4. Victoriana
    Victoriana

    Thank you for sharing. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m also going through a depressive episode and have many of the same negative thoughts you do. That I’m a failure, that I suck, that everyone else is more successful than me, etc. You’re definitely not alone, and you making this video helped me see that I’m not alone in what I’m feeling either, so thank you. I hope that you feel better soon too.

    November 20, 2015
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  5. Tam
    Tam

    I swear, I could have made this video myself. I am going through a very difficult, scraping bottom kind of depression right now, too. I wish I could hug you.

    November 20, 2015
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  6. peaches
    peaches

    Hi Jenny. I just wanted to let you know that this video really helped. I’m going through a rough patch myself and it helps to know other people do similar things. The part about trying to figure out when I have to start pretending everything is OK really hit home. I find myself doing the exact same thing. So thanks for being honest and putting this out there.

    November 21, 2015
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  7. Beatrice
    Beatrice

    Thank you for sharing this with us, Jenny.
    I find myself in much of what you describe, especially parts about finding evidence of my failures (no matter how small or big the failure) funny and almost satisfying because they confirm what I’m already thinking about myself.
    The one part where I start doubting whether I’m really depressed is feelings. I do feelings. Mostly sad and angry. I start with sad, then I get angry because I’m sad and then I’m angry for a while until it tapers out into silent despair.
    It really helps to see people talk openly about this, in kind of an affirming “oh good, so I’m not crazy, I’m just crazy” way.

    November 21, 2015
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  8. Lieke
    Lieke

    This is good. (Not that you’re in a bad place, obviously, and I hope you’ll feel better soon). I really appreciate how you described some of the things you’re going through. E.g. still being able to laugh and be amused by things when you’re depressed. I worry that some people think that when someone is depressed that person constantly looks super sad and that’s (often) not how depression works. So, thank you for sharing and kind of busting the myth of what a depression is “supposed” to look like.

    November 21, 2015
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  9. Bunny
    Bunny

    Thank you for your honesty. You inspire me to be more honest, even if only with myself. Hope you feel better.

    November 21, 2015
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  10. Maril
    Maril

    You’re definitely not alone in feeling that way. I spent months unemployed and sleeping 18 hours a day (not an exaggeration, sadly. I have a fitbit that records that stuff…), trying to pretend I wasn’t depressed… I managed to get it under control for a few months through diet, exercise, and multivitamins (severe b12 and magnesium deficiency causes severe fatigue and anxiety. Who knew?) but in the last month it’s come back something awful. Back to a shitty sleep schedule, forgetting to take pills, not taking the pills even when I remembered to because it was too much effort to get a glass of water to down them with, completely giving up eating right, there was almost a month where I couldn’t even make myself check my mail because for some reason I was absolutely certain that if I did I would find I had gotten something horrible like a $1000 traffic camera ticket (which isn’t even possible, I have only driven a few times in that time period and none of those times did I do anything that would justify even a speeding ticket let alone a fine that big) or *something* that would take all my money and I’d be screwed and if I just ignored my mail it would go away… I didn’t even actually finally check it of my own accord. My sister had to force me to. Of course there was nothing scary in it at all unless you count massive bundles of fliers as scary.

    The worst part of all that is that the reason I spiraled back into depression is because of something *good*. Something that *should* make me happy. I’m on the verge of accomplishing something that for most of my life I didn’t even think was possible, yet there it is… so close I can almost touch it… But instead of being happy and excited, I’m racked with fear and doubt and anxiety. What if I screw it up and never achieve it? What if things out of my control screw it up and I can’t achieve it? What if I achieve it, but then screw it up and lose it? What if I achieve it, and everything goes awesome, but I am miserable? What if I just *can’t* be happy? What the hell did I do to deserve to be? Why *should* this work out? What did I do to earn it? If everything goes well, then I’ll have the life my best friend wants but can never have because of things she has no control over. Why should I get to have it if she can’t? What if my getting it is somehow the reason she can’t? Like, she was supposed to have this life, but somehow I took it from her… Her association with me is what screwed her over… Why should I get to be happy when she has to struggle so hard just to survive? What right do I have to be stressed out right now when I’m so close to having everything I’ve ever wanted and all of my friends lives suck? I shouldn’t be *allowed* to be depressed. I shouldn’t be *allowed* to feel this way. Who the hell do I think I am to ask any of them to put up with any of my complaining when they have so much more going on than I *ever* will? What I’m doing costs a shit ton of money and it’s a HUGE risk on my part. If I screw it up, I could be putting a massive financial burden on the people I care about (by not being able to pay my bills, needing my parents to bail me out, needing to live with them… I won’t even have anything left I can pawn to pay the bills), what right do I have to take a risk that could affect someone other than myself?

    But then there’s the times where I don’t feel anything at all… where I feel like I should be happy and excited, or at least nervous… something… but I don’t feel anything. Those times are the most unsettling. Those are the times I dread the most. It’s an odd detached feeling… Like everything is happening to someone I’ve never met and have no emotional attachment to. Like I’m reading a badly written book that’s failed to suck me in.

    It’s simultaneously comforting and depressing to see other people describe their depression. It makes you feel like you’re not alone, which is kind of nice, but at the same time you know someone else is feeling as shitty or shittier than you and you don’t wish that on anyone… I’m sorry you and everyone else who is feeling similarly is suffering. No one should have to go through that, and I sincerely hope you feel genuinely better soon.

    For the record though you say no one wants to listen to you talk about depression for that long, I’d have happily (…that may not be the right word, but I hope it gets my point across none the less…) listened for longer. I always look forward to your posts. I enjoy seeing your perspective on things, as it’s always very well put and thought provoking. And in this case in particular I think a lot of people benefit from hearing someone else describe emotions so similar to their own. I have a few friends who always get very excited when they see something that accurately describes how they feel because they struggle to put it into words themselves, so hearing about someone else’s struggle helps them to better understand their own, or at least helps them to explain it to other people who have never been through it and don’t get it.

    November 21, 2015
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    • Heather
      Heather

      Your post was so genuine and sincere. I have depression and anxiety and some OCD as well, and I could relate to so much that you said. I know words can sometimes do little in the midst of depression, but I really do hope you achieve your dreams.

      November 21, 2015
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  11. Alisha
    Alisha

    Thought I was the only one who did the endless shower thing. Right there with you. I’ve been thinking about how depression affects us all differently and how it can change us. I’ve been going through the worst episode I’ve ever had for the last four months, and it’s actually changed life-long habits and preferences. I eat yogurt now. And onions. I drink plain coffee. I’ve hated those things my whole life, and loved to read my whole life. I haven’t read a book in four months despite buying new releases. My house fucking reeks because I’ve had days where I couldn’t even get out of bed to take my dogs out or properly clean up the resulting mess until it had already sunk in to the carpet. I lost 40 pounds in three months because nothing tasted good anymore. Of course, that last one people just praise me for. Ugh.

    Anyway … thanks for showing how this affects you. I hope it gets better for you.

    November 21, 2015
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  12. The Unicorner
    The Unicorner

    Jenny, I watched this whole video and it was way too real, omg. I was nodding along at several points because I do a lot of the same things. My depression also comes with a lovely side of ED, so I’ll start obsessing about my diet and every real or imagined particle of fat on my body and wish I could starve myself and this is why I’ll always be a horrible dancer and people who say I’m not are lying, etc. My family tends to not be very understanding, so I really have no one to talk to about it and I don’t want to anyway since people will assume I’m fishing for compliments or flattery when nope, just indulging some good ole fashioned self-hate.

    For what it’s worth, I think you’re a very strong person for sharing this video with us, and I think it’s really helpful for others going through the same thing just to know that we’re not alone and someone out there understands. I really hope you feel better soon.

    November 21, 2015
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  13. Maeve
    Maeve

    Yeah. That. I definitely do a lot of those things. I’m in a depressive episode myself at the moment too. It really sucks. I hope you feel better soon.

    November 21, 2015
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  14. Cat
    Cat

    Thanks so much for posting this- it really encapsulates a lot of universal feelings, especially ones I can relate to. I know there’s nothing anyone can say that can drag you out of a depressive episode, but I still want to say that I think you are extremely brave and talented, and your recaps have brought me untold joy x

    November 21, 2015
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  15. Amy B
    Amy B

    Well, and maybe I just can’t understand you, but why keep living your life like an open wound? Wouldn’t it be more healthy to get off line and stop reading these comments but also stop making people write these nasty things about you? I just don’t really think any of it sounds like a healthy cycle. I mean, yes you ARE talented and I like your writing, but it sounds like the cost is too high. The STGRB stuff … stop engaging with them. It just seems so pointless. Go enjoy your beautiful (coughing) children, write, spend time with your friends and family. The internet is a toxic cess pit. Why put yourself through it when it’s so harmful to your mental health?

    November 21, 2015
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    • Amy B
      Amy B

      And I spent three months … probably more like four or five actually … at home unemployed, depressed and grieving last year. I do know what it’s like. I’d sit and cry, everything seemed like too much effort, and I was trying desperately to pretend it was okay. I was so anxious I would barely leave the house, I truly was developing agoraphobia and I was tired all the time.

      One day I had enough, I got dressed, sat at my desk and enrolled in law school. Then I went for a run, did some work, did yoga, started dating … everything got better, but only when I forced it to and got the hell out of all the damaging holding patterns I was in. I have my moments where I slip back, but I am so much better at fighting it now. I hope that happens for you.

      November 21, 2015
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      • Lieke
        Lieke

        I’m really glad that you managed to get better. I just don’t think it’s that “easy” for everyone.

        So, please, let’s not perpetuate the (harmful) idea that all depressed people have to do is just decide to work out and meet people and live their life and everything will be a-okay.

        Because a) picking yourself up and doing healthy, productive stuff is the absolute hardest thing to do when you’re feeling worthless and b) even if you manage to go out and be active you can still feel depressed.

        I have not actually been depressed, so I’m definitely not an expert. I hope you don’t feel that I’m attacking you. That’s not my intention. I just wanted to point out that your posts sounded an awful lot like you were telling Jenny that she only has herself to blame. And that is not alright.

        November 22, 2015
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    • JennyTrout
      JennyTrout

      It’s not a really well thought out plan or anything. I usually don’t seek out ways to mentally harm myself until I’m already at a very low point. A lot of times, I’ll talk to Mr.Jen about the compulsion, and we come up with a distraction. But mental illness isn’t “why don’t you just stop doing that.” If I could “just stop” with my self-destructive behaviors in the middle of an episode, I definitely would, because it isn’t great to live like that.

      As for “stop making people write these nasty things about you,” I wouldn’t say that I force anyone’s hand there. Some people are just hateful, regardless of how visible you are. Being open about myself on the internet and putting my life out there is literally how I make money to feed my family. If the choice is going back to foodstamps and being one meager paycheck away from homelessness every month, or exist visibly with the caveat that sometimes weirdos will say things that aren’t nice, I really have to go with the second choice.

      November 21, 2015
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      • Struggling
        Struggling

        Honestly, the “just stop doing that” or “just start doing this” advice sucks so much to hear, no matter how well-meaning. Even when it’s your younger brother being all, go outside in the sunlight to get better. Um yeah, thanks, that’s how it works.

        November 23, 2015
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  16. lurking nerd
    lurking nerd

    i hope you feel better soon. your honesty is always appreciated and refreshing, even when the topic isn’t the happiest. but it’s also a fact that a lot of us feel like this from time to time, and it can be hard for other people to understand what /this/ feels like.

    November 21, 2015
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  17. Carolyn
    Carolyn

    I don’t know if this is quite what you’re talking about when you say you feel like an imposter, but it sounds a lot like imposter syndrome, which is where you feel like you tricked your way in to all your success and it’s only a matter of time before people figure out that you’re not actually as smart/talented/whatever as they thought. I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but it doesn’t make you sound crazy to talk about it; it’s actually a pretty common problem, especially for certain jobs (I believe writing is one of them). I used to be a grad student, which is a major risk factor for imposter syndrome, and there were flyers on most of the bulletin boards on campus that offered counselling for exactly that sort of thing.

    My point is, you’re not alone. And I’m not sure if this will help, since everyone’s different, but it really helped me to have a name for that specific feeling. It’s nice to know, whenever my brain starts gaslighting me like that, that I can go read the Wikipedia article about imposter syndrome and reassure myself that whatever I’m telling myself is total bullshit.

    November 21, 2015
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  18. kayenjee
    kayenjee

    Great post. I watched the whole video. Although I don’t suffer from depression, I was having a fit of irrational anxiety before I saw this…finally, it is wearing off. Thank you for your honesty and eff the haters.

    November 21, 2015
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  19. I hope you’ve felt better since making the video. <3 And I will watch you no matter what, and I will support you no matter what. If you feel that these videos help you cope, make as many as you like, I'll watch all of them.

    Since I moved to grad school I thought that maybe I'd be leaving my depression behind (and moving has definitely helped with the anxiety/depression), but now that I'm more knowledgable about it I've been more prepared. I'm finally out of a relatively mild episode, but when I was going through it I was trying to write my own post about my depression but I'm constantly guilt-tripping myself. "Why the fuck are you writing about this? There's people who have it way worse than you do, why are you complaining? You're such a whiny burden that everyone barely tolerates."

    November 22, 2015
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  20. Fables
    Fables

    Thank you for the honesty, what you said could as well be written in the pages of my journal. I’m suffering from chronic depression, it never really goes away, some short moments life just seems easier to handle, but then I always end up back “being me”.

    At least at the moment I’m not actively hurting myself (because I want to hide where my head really is from my therapist, stupid I know), but I’m not really putting any effort in living either. I can totally relate to not taking shower or eating, but it goes farther than just everyday stuff… lately I have been finding myself in situations that, without a good friend to keep eye on me, would pretty certainly turned into something dangerous… and I didn’t care, because it don’t matter how other people treat me… because why should it matter when I don’t.

    And damn, that looking for proof to distorted self image… I’m my own Internet forum, I write write down to the journal text messages, emails, comments that I can see through glasses of self loathing. And like you, I keep going back to those words. At the very top of the favorites is simple sounding sentence “You are not a random face” from one person that holds a piece of my heart… Anyone that is not living with a head like mine, probably sees that as a positive comment… But for me it’s something that has been playing on a loop in the back of my mind last couple of years, and I see it meaning that I don’t exist… I’m not a random face, because I’m not a face at all.

    I liked how you described that there’s this bathroom glass wall between you and feelings. I have that too, but I’m not sure if it’s enough… I want to paint that glass black… I don’t want to be numb, I want to be empty.

    November 22, 2015
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  21. Jessi Jo
    Jessi Jo

    Thank you for sharing this.

    On Friday, I admitted (out loud, for the first time) that my career is not going well and I have to change something. What I didn’t say out loud is that I’m not doing anything meaningful with my life because I’m talentless and everything I try to do sucks. Which makes me want to not try anymore. Oh and also, I realized, not for the first time, that there’s a pattern in my life of people telling me that I’m smart and then treating me like I’m stupid… so obviously they were lying and I’m not smart.

    On Saturday (yesterday), I watched Inside Out for the first time and had myself a big, snotty, ugly cry. And then didn’t do the things I had intended to do that day. I attributed this to my being lazy and set an alarm to get up relatively early today and have myself a productive day (iow pretend I’m better).

    And here I sit, procrastinating, on Sunday morning. Watching your video really hit home and so I thank you for the reminder that I’m not the only one. I’m off to pretend that I’m not a talentless, incompetent waste. I’ll be thinking of you, and I hope you’re doing okay.

    November 22, 2015
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  22. X
    X

    Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to a lot of things, especially the self-destructiveness and looking for patterns.

    I am having an awful episode right now (not getting up in the morning, taking four days to get myself to buy groceries, ignoring all my university-related stuff) and it has just cost me one of my friendships. The friendship that mattered the most to me, in fact. I still don’t really understand how this happened (This friendship was about the only thing I didn’t neglect in the last few months) and it’s not even the first time, but for some reason people always refuse to explain to me what it was that I did wrong, only that it *was* wrong. Or if they do and I try to explain myself they tell me that it doesn’t matter and that it is still my fault and I should have tried to be a better person.
    So it’s really hard not to look at myself and think, “Well, maybe they are right. Maybe I am an awful person and no one really cares about me and no matter what I do I will never be good enough for anyone. It has to be true, right, there are a dozen people saying this and they can’t all be wrong.” And everytime something like this happens and everytime I fight with one of my friends, I reread every single argument we have had before and I use it to convince myself that yes, this person is justified in hating me right now, because look at how terrible I have been in the past, I deserve it.

    So…yeah. I think I know how you feel. Probably not really because it is pretty much impossible to know exactly what something like this is like for another person, but…yeah. Thank you for sharing. It helps to know that I am not the only one.

    November 22, 2015
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  23. Struggling
    Struggling

    Thank you so much, Jenny. I want a much stronger version of thank you to tell you for this video, which is so brave and so helpful and just – thank you. I teared up so many times during the video and I’m doing it again now because yes, these are things I have felt and thought and done. The shower thing is so true. I’ve “decided” I don’t deserve things like sleep when my head is throbbing, a drink when my throat is burning, etc. and I tell myself not to “waste” all sorts of things that are less important than a Xanax but still: I can’t waste flattering clothes on a day like today when it’s pretty offensive that I will be seen at all. I think that one a lot. So many people must think I have awful taste in clothes.

    It’s so nice to see someone talk candidly about these things and why they happen, especially after all the yelling over the years whenever it gets really bad about how useless and lazy I am (yay, support!) because oh look, I’m sitting exactly where you left me, hours later. And maybe the TV’s on because I managed to turn it on before you came in to have an excuse and I am SOL if you ask what I’m watching, or maybe it’s not even on because I couldn’t do it, and either way it’s time for a rant about how I’ve just been hanging out watching TV. And I sit there thinking that at one time, I found things like that relaxing or entertaining or something.

    And it’s so fucking cold, in the middle of a SoCal summer, and all I have that’s warm enough is that giant cushy robe with layers underneath, and my mother hates to see me in it and thinks it’s the height of decadence or whateverthefuck and I will stop wearing it when she buys me a coat that long and warm because it is still so fucking cold. And I love cold when I’m healthy – more than heat, anyway. And I tend to find the world too hot in general. I’m healthier than that now, but still in it, and I wonder how much warmer it’ll be when I get out of this house full of emotional abuse that compounds my problems. On good days, I don’t think “if.”

    November 23, 2015
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  24. Struggling
    Struggling

    I’ve lost so many friends by never getting back to them because I’m convinced I’ll say the wrong thing and ruin everything forever. And I’ll never really forgive myself for letting depression take away so much of my time with my grandfather in his last few years. I thought I could ruin his pride in me, too, and send him to his grave disappointed. Now it haunts me wondering if he went not knowing how much he meant to me.

    November 23, 2015
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  25. mydogsPA
    mydogsPA

    Hmmm. Jenny, thanks very much for that. You said a lot. In all the 16 minutes of video, though, there were some things that were not said. Because all I can wonder about is one question: Why? Why is Jenny Trout, my favorite, incredible, talented basher of 50 Shades acting this way? Why no mention of therapy? Why no mention of any attempt to get help from a professional?

    You shared, so I’m going to share now. Long story. Sit back. Relax.

    during and after my first wife left via a pretty bitter divorce I went and did the therapy thing. Took months. Gads, seemed like over a year. Probably was. Spousal Unit #1 was a very angry lady. VERY. Her Mom was an alcoholic brought about when her grandma died via incompetence at a hospital. Her Mom drank, her Dad bought the booze and enabled Mom. Alcoholics are unstable. They’re kind to you one minute, vicious the next. Any kid growing up in that environment has to be ready on a moment’s notice to get smacked. Marking the bottle of booze as it dropped and alerting her Dad to the issues only brought a smack and verbal berating from her Dad. Her Dad propositioned her one day for sex (fortunately didn’t go through with it) She was beaten severely in high school from someone who wasn’t a student who somehow got on campus and started a fight, kicking her to the point where spinal fluid was coming out her nose.

    I come along, we got married, and was too stable for her. She was so used to things changing on a moment’s notice that she couldn’t stand the stability. So 4 years after we were married, she started having an affair and eventually left.

    Dating is awful, more so after a divorce, so I joined a writer’s group at work. I was attracted to a cute lady 9 years my junior, but she was married. To an awful guy. We all comiserated. I liked her a lot, I was attracted to her, got a crush on her. But she, while married, had a crush on another guy. Got to the point where when our writer’s group went to the movies all she could do was think about him throughout the movie. Oh, and she was depressed. Her dad committed suicide when she was about 8 or so, and during the funeral one of her friends laughed at something. She turned to the friend, incredibly angry. So angry it scared her. Scared her so much she vowed never to be angry at anyone again. EVER. Something a kid does. But now, grown up, she’s depressed a lot, in love with a guy while married to another and asks me to ‘support’ her in having an affair.

    I read an article (called ‘anatomy of an affair,” if I remember right) that depression is sometimes repressed anger. When one has an affair, they think of the person they want to be with and get angry with their spouse that ‘prevents’ it. Hmm. So I’m looking at someone who, if they start the affair,will most likely get VERY angry with their spouse (you do have to go back and sleep with them every night) the longer the affair went on. BUT–she repressed her anger! She was very depressed! The more the affair went on, the more likely she would get even MORE depressed! At the time I thought that, if she did go with the affair, there would be a small but finite (10% or so) chance she could become suicidal. Scared the crap out of me. I really liked her (I was falling in love with her) but I couldn’t let her go down the path that had a potential suicidal outcome. But I couldn’t stop her. It was her life, after all. Not mine. I couldn’t act, but then again couldn’t NOT do something. The train she was on was headed straight for a cliff. BIG drop. And suicide is such a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Won’t get into it, but the only thing I could do was derail the train. Which I did. But that’s another story.

    But then came MY breakthrough, after all the therapy. WHY? WHY DID I get so attracted to this depressed person? Another long story short, my grandmother left Eastern Europe when she was a girl, came to New Jersey. Had lots of younger siblings. Had to raise them. Diaper them. Feed them. Resented it. She had no life. My grandfather came along and took her away. Yay! Free! Then my Mom came along. Same thing all over again. Diapers. Crying. Feeding. Grandma hated my Mom so much that she told my Mom she was an ‘accident.’ Unloved. Terrible thing to tell a kid. Wasn’t her fault. My Mom grew up angry. My Dad found my Mom in college. Dad’s mom was a battle-axe. Got the family out of Germany in 1939, but was an angry lady.

    I grew up with a Mom that was angry.

    And this is where EL gets it SO wrong: one’s subconscious is NOT something we can talk to and get an answer back. It directs us to go find the familiar, because it’s comfortable with it, even though it’s bad for us.

    So my big reveal came when I realized my subconscious was directing me to angry women, either openly (Spousal Unit #1) or indirectly (depressed suicidal girl who was repressing her anger)

    So I told my conscious to tell my subconscious to F***K OFF!!!! I found my current wife 20 years ago. My subconscious was screaming at me this wasn’t the one. We just had our 16th anniversary and base our marriage on not only love, but RESPECT. We’ve pretty much never had an argument in that time.

    So, kiddo. Therapy works. Find out what’s going on. You may have to tell your subconscious to go F itself, like I did . Or there may be something else going on. But please don’t just sit there. Get some help. It’s there if you need it. We’re here to help in any way we can.

    November 23, 2015
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    • Person
      Person

      Jenny isn’t coming at this topic as someone who’s never sought help/tried therapy. Even in this video: that Xanax is prescription. She has professional help.

      November 25, 2015
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    • heather
      heather

      “[One’s subconscious] directs us to go find the familiar, because it’s comfortable with it, even though it’s bad for us.”

      Thank you for that reminder. I’m struggling to get over a 9-year relationship with someone who has been depressed all his life. He readily admits that I saved his life in the midst of constant suicidal thoughts by fighting to reach him and by insisting that he see a psychiatrist. He’s greatly improved, but recently slid back into the old habits of pushing me away.

      As a person who deals with her own share of anxiety/depression, life is really sucking right now. These reminders help.

      November 30, 2015
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  26. Amber
    Amber

    Thank you for sharing, Jenny. I can relate to a lot of the things you talked about. I hope things are looking up for you soon. <3

    November 23, 2015
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  27. lady macbeth
    lady macbeth

    Thank you so much for this. I couldn’t make it through even half of the video because I relate so much and I just started crying. I know these feelings all too well. (I’ve suffered from PTSD, depression, and a shitload of other maladies since childhood.)

    I admire your courage to be on camera and be entirely blunt and honest and not apologetic. I respect you so much and I’ve learned so much from you. I’d go into more detail, but I’m already barely able to see the keyboard.

    Good luck riding out the grey wave.

    November 23, 2015
    |Reply
  28. Sarah
    Sarah

    Hope you, and everyone else that’s shared on the comments thread feel better soon.

    November 24, 2015
    |Reply
  29. Unlike the traditional means of marketing, TV, radio, magazines, in the web marketing campaign positioning sites can be much more targeted, with great advantages in terms of investment and gain on investment faced. Google has a big list of rules about websites and what they can and can’t do with search results and their code. An SEO will also provide ongoing monitoring, rank reports and up to date recommendations.

    November 27, 2015
    |Reply
  30. Leigh Jenner
    Leigh Jenner

    I would like your permission to share this with my woman with PTSD and anxiety group. I feel that most (probably all) of the ladies there can relate and I think that it could hel[ since we are into the SADs season.

    Much love and warm thoughts to you! I hope you’re feeling better.

    ~Leigh

    December 5, 2015
    |Reply
    • JennyTrout
      JennyTrout

      Absolutely, you’re free to share.

      December 5, 2015
      |Reply
  31. eunice
    eunice

    I’m so very sorry to hear you’re struggling. From the bottom of my heart I really do hope you feel better soon. I wish there was something we could do for you.

    December 21, 2015
    |Reply
  32. anon
    anon

    Intellectually I know I’m not the only person who’s bad about taking showers when my brain is fucking with me, but it is a fucking relief to actually *hear* you saying you do too. (I don’t do the endless ones, but most of the time it feels way too much of a pain to actually even start even when I can tell my hair is greasy from a few days without.)

    ***rant about my current mental health issues, brief mention of suicide (I am *not* suicidal but some of my current repeating thoughts could look that way)*******

    I am currently having a fairly serious bipolar episode. I’m already on Tegretol (which is a third-line drug), and as third-line drugs often do, it isn’t working. Rolling the weighted dice that I won’t get permanent facial tremors and getting back on the Latuda is looking better and better because I was a *whole* lot saner on that. (Basically everybody who I trust enough and has seen me on both to ask thinks I was saner on it too.)

    Any atypical antipsychotic can cause possibly permanent facial tremors in *anyone* taking them, but the reason my shrink took me off Latuda is because I got foot and leg tremors on top of the mostly hands and arms tremors I had already. I didn’t have that tremor pattern before taking it and I still have them several months after discontinuing the drug. My therapist thinks maybe it’s worth trying anyway, my mom keeps on with “but permanent facial tremors!”, the other family members/friends who know are “you’re in a rough spot, I’m sorry” kinds of sympathetic. (So yeah, support systems are awesome and I wish everyone had one but sometimes that just isn’t enough when your brain decides to fuck with you again.)

    Oh yeah, and since a friend’s dude is having a health crisis himself and had to do wills/medical power of attorney as a part of it and made me think that wouldn’t be a bad idea, I keep dwelling on end of life planning-type issues so I feel obliged to keep repeating “I’m not suicidal” because even wanting to draw up a will/get a medical proxy set up (which is generally considered a *good* idea) could look questionable given my current mental state. I’m waiting till my next therapy appointment to ask about some stuff that could look even worse because I can’t stop wanting to know if setting up a pre-payment plan for my funeral and also a small life-insurance policy (so in case my best friend who is not financially well-off ends up being the one to bury me/be my executor any unforeseen expenses directly related would be paid for) and still keep my disability/Medicare/savings account.

    I am NOT suicidal. I am probably sane right now only according to the legal definitions that just require “do you know right from wrong?” and I am hella frustrated because I’m not seeing any options that don’t suck, but I do not want to kill myself.

    At this point, about the best I can hope for drug-wise isn’t sounding very appetizing to deal with short-term even if I get more sane from it *long-term*. Basically I’m probably looking at either a) a step up in my Tegretol dosage b) a switch to another third-line drug that’s likely to cause stomach problems (I already have GI issues) and drowsiness/sedation for the first month or so AND it’s not considered really effective against bipolar most of the time or c) rolling the dice comes up 7’s and I don’t get tremors I can’t live with from going back on Latuda. (Oh, by the way, I’m a part-time seasonal tax preparer, so I go back to work next week and whatever happens with my drugs between now and April I’m going to be dealing with clients during all of it.)

    Thank you so much for being this open. (Also everything that eunice said).

    January 6, 2016
    |Reply

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