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State Of The Trout Foot

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My foot is still broken! And may I just say, I had no idea that something as simple as a broken bone could possibly sideline me the way it did. After all, I spent a whole week in a plaster splint/cast thing, right? I should be healed by now.

Well, no, Jenny, why don’t you be realistic for once?

The good news is, I don’t have to have surgery. I’m wearing an air cast and slowly getting back to work. The air cast, by the way, is the most amazing medical technological breakthrough ever. With it on, I can walk around without pain. I can take it off to shower and sleep. I cannot, however, walk around with it off; I thought I’d roll those dice and grudgingly concede that perhaps the doctor knows more about bones than I do. I’ll stick to his instructions and continue periodically elevating it and not walking around like I could have possibly healed a whole broken bone in under two weeks.

There are a few other troubles I’m having, as well. Working for over a year to train for a race only to break your foot two days before that race is shockingly bad for your mental health. Also shockingly bad for your mental health? And I’m not being sarcastic at all this time? Injuring yourself doing something you have to do often in your own house. I have taken two showers since getting the plaster splint off. Both ended in me hyperventilating and crying when it came time to get out because suddenly, it seems so terribly dangerous. As a result, I’ve been bathing with those giant baby wipes they market to adults as “disposable washcloths” and avoiding going out. When I have to drive my daughter to rehearsal, I stay in the car, using my foot as an excuse. Really, I just don’t want them to see that I’m greasy as hell. I’m hoping I get over this somewhat quickly because even though I’m one of those weird people who don’t really smell, I’m always afraid that I smell and that makes my anxiety even worse and basically I’m just a broken nightmare of a person. But you knew that, because you’re here, reading this.

Now, onto the show. Anyone want to see some gross pictures? Awesome. I’m putting them behind the cut, though, because not all of you want to see my gnarly foot. And I’m gonna put a puppy picture first, so that comes up on the social media thumbnail instead:

My pit bull puppy laying on the couch beside an overturned and spilling basket of laundry. She's half in the spilling laundry.

She was sleeping in the laundry basket and it tipped over, but she kept on sleeping.

My hope for this week on the blog is to get the first chapter of The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp up on Friday, but again, we’re still playing it fast and loose with the injury and its aftermath. So, stay tuned, if you want to see something gross, click the cut link.

I should also warn you that the bulk of the grossness comes from my toenails. I have REALLY awful, ugly feet and I never show them under normal circumstances.

A Message From The Trout Nation Emergency Foot Update System

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Remember last week when I was like, “Yeah, whoo! Back to our regularly scheduled blogging! Also, I’m about to churn out a ton of kick-ass content because look at this amazing way I’ve scheduled my time! I laugh in the face of weekly deadlines! I’m sooooo organized!” and all that nonsense that was clearly going to jinx me?

Look at this stupid bullshit:

My left leg in a cast from just below my toes to almost my knee.
Pictured: BULLSHIT.

Wednesday afternoon, I made the mistake of taking a shower without, idk, limbering up first or calibrating my balance or something. I turned around to reach for the conditioner and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor with my left foot beneath me, folded in half.


Like a taco.

If you follow me on social media, you’ve already heard about this, probably including that description of my injuries. I spent the rest of the week and most of the weekend out of my mind on painkillers. Which you also know if you follow me on social media because nobody really supervised my phone time.

They didn’t supervise my movie or Kindle times, either, resulting in me purchasing two non-fiction books about Victorian surgery and watching It because I thought it was The Goonies.

Which you also know if you follow me on social media.

Right now, things happening in my foot are apparently not great. The last I saw of it before the cast went on was, swear to god, rectangular swelling. I didn’t know you could swell in a rectangle. It looks like someone stuck a Jenga block in there. That shape, that size. Shit is broken in there. I’m trying not to think about it because all I can imagine is vinyl purse full of Jell-O and loose, broken pottery shards. I’m seeing an orthopedic surgeon later this week.

So, you know, it’s safe to say that this week is a little up-in-the-air at the blog. I’m still on those heavy meds and sleeping most of the time. I’m going to try like hell to get The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp up this week, but I’m really not pushing myself. Please be patient with me, as I have never had an injury this serious before and I don’t really know how to take care of myself because I’m a disaster of a person.

The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Prologue

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It’s here! The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp is ready to be consumed by your eager eyes! I believe I may have promised the prologue and chapter one this week, but it’s just the prologue. I got a lot of balls in the air right now. If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, please refer to this post in which I explain what I’m trying to do with this experiment. Otherwise, you’re gonna wonder what the hell is happening here.

How I set up my bullet journal and manage my time now!

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I recently started a new way of scheduling my time so that stuff can get done as opposed to sitting around in varying stages of doneness. A few people have asked me productivity-related questions lately so I thought, hell, why not make a video about it while I set up my bullet journal?


(This video just posted this morning, so please give it a little time for Closed Captions to process.)

I’ve been super productive over the last three or so weeks that I’ve been using this method. Fingers crossed that it keeps working. If you try this, let me know how it goes!

The Big Damn Angel Rewatch S01E06 “Sense and Sensitivity”

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In every generation, there is a chosen one. No, shit. Wrong show. What am I supposed to do, now? I guess I’ll just have to recap every episode Angel with an eye to the following themes:

  1. Angel is still a dick.
  2. Cordelia is smarter than everyone.
  3. Sex is still evil.
  4. Sunlight isn’t nearly as dangerous as it was in Sunnydale…
  5. …but its danger is certainly inconsistent.
  6. Vampire/demon rules aren’t consistent with the Buffyverse.
  7. Xenophobia and cultural stereotypes abound.
  8. Women are disposable and unrealistic.
  9. Vampires still @#$%ing breathe.
  10. Some of this stuff is still homophobic as fuck.
  11. Blondes, blondes everywhere
  12. Smoking is still evil.
  13. A lot of this shit is really misogynistic.
  14. Some of this stuff is ableist as fuck.
  15. Some of this shit is still racist as fuck.
  16. Fatphobia, staple of the Whedonverse.
  17. Mental illness stigma redux

The Big Damn Angel Damsel In Distress Counter: 8

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Just like with the Buffy recaps, I’ve seen (most) of this series already, so I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So a blanket spoiler warning is in effect.

July patron video and an explanation of how videos will work from here out.

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Hey there, everyone! I’m a total brick and didn’t realize something: when I do thank you videos to my Patron, the names included on the list are different depending on whether you’re in “patron manager” or “relationship manager.” I thought these were basically the same thing. They are not. The patron manager updates with a list of your paid patrons for the month at the end of the month/beginning of the next month. The relationship manager lists people who are patrons regardless of when they signed up or dropped off. As a result of my not being observant, I’ve been missing people left and right!

So, from now on, this is how videos will go down. Blank slate. This is the video for my patrons from July. The patron video that comes out in September will be for patrons who joined in August. And so on. And so on.

And there are a lot of you.

I don’t want to steal the thunder from my July patrons, they’re included in this. It’s a huge deal for me.

We can now pay our rent with Patreon pledges.

You guys have no idea how much that means to me, seriously. Writing is not a high paying gig, and sometimes, rent and bill money is difficult to come by. Whether it’s pledging monthly on Patreon or putting money into my Kofi one time, just showing up and reading and leaving comments, reading my books and recommending them to your friends, whatever way you do it, your participation in Trout Nation is so incredible and precious to me because it helps me shoulder the burden of providing for my family. That’s something that’s not always easy to do with mental illness and physical disabilities. I can’t overstate how monumentally thankful I am for your support.

So, here’s what I did for Patrons in July. I’m super glad I didn’t sit on this idea until later because I’m not sure I could have tied off that many water balloons.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapters thirty-two, thirty-three, and acknowledgments. “Well, I guess that explains it.”

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We have come now to the end of our journey together. Unlike our Fifty Shades of Grey adventure, we’re closing this metaphorical chapter without any movie news. The books have fallen off the New York Times weekly bestseller list (at least, as much of that list as they show on their site). It’s out of the top 1,000 on Amazon. Don’t get me wrong; The Mister was a hit.

It’s just not a hit for E.L. James.

So, will she write another book? Certainly not for whatever advance she received for this one. But since several commenters have pointed out that The Mister borrows liberally from SnowQueens IceDragon’s other Twilight fic, Safe Haven, maybe the answer to whether or not we’ll be revisiting our favorite author again lies in whether or not she has some old fanfic lying around.

I wonder what PBS Masterpiece Theater varnish she’ll slap on the next one.

CW: Abuse apologia

State Of The Trout: We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Program (In A Minute)

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The Mister is drawing to a close. I know you all wish that it could go on forever because you’re fully immersed in the rich, gripping plot but all good things must come to an end. What happens next, though?

Well, we go back to what we were doing before. Beautiful Disaster recaps are returning. Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel recaps will come back. I’ll finally finish watching True Blood. And of course, I’ll probably continue to have two or more mental breakdowns per year because that’s just how I live, baby.

But there will be more! So much more! Starting September 6, The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp will premiere here. It will be available exclusively on this blog in weekly installments. Come see if I can pull off the greatest feat of my writing career: turning an absurd joke idea into an actually decent book.

Can’t wait for September 6? Become a $1 or above Patron of my Patreon in the month of August and you’ll get access to the prologue (featuring Fitshaced Friday meme Blayde Trasket) next week! That’s before anyone else! You can be in the know and tell all your friends.

And finally, in other Patreon-related news, starting this month, $10 and up patrons will be enrolled in Jealous Patrons Book Club, where I will do exclusive recaps. Of what, you ask? Well, we’re gonna start off with an in-depth review of Safe Haven by SnowQueens IceDragon, the Twilight fanfic that became The Mister. Yes, for just ten dollars a month, you’ll experience second-hand all the details SnowQueens IceDragon remembered from her Las Vegas vacation, the overwhelming and gratuitous use of the word “fuck” (1-20 per page), and a heroine even clumsier in fanfic than she is in canon. These recaps will start next week and then there will be at least four a month each month thereafter.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print. In the meantime, spread the good news of John Gayheart Johnson, Business Centaur.