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Month: March 2017

Beauty and The Beast is a terrible movie. I love it.

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The movie poster for the 2017 version of Disney's Beauty and The Beast, which features the main characters at the top and the ensemble assembled around a smaller picture of Belle and The Beast dancing.

Where to start with the magnificent mess that is the Bill Condon remake of Disney’s classic Beauty and The Beast? It’s horrible. It’s wonderful. It should never have been made, but it was and now we all have to live with it. But how? How do we cope with a movie that is somehow the worst and best movie Disney has ever made (including the one where they murdered all those lemmings and excluding Song of the South).

Before we go any further, let’s not do so under false pretenses: minus the nonsensical additions, Beauty and The Beast is a faithful, near shot-by-shot remake of the original. During Belle’s eponymous reprise, she announces that she “wants much more than this provincial life” before running dutifully from the village to the pastoral hills beyond to continue, “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.” The sequence is so similar to the animated movie, I found myself thinking, she’d better hustle if she wants to get to the top of that hill in time for the music cue.

Though the actors try valiantly to bring something new to their parts, it’s impossible. Beauty and The Beast is one of those movies that so thoroughly captures its place in popular culture that future generations will instinctually know at birth every slow blink of Belle’s doe eyes and the growl of Robbie Benson’s beastly snarl. There is no way for the viewer to separate themselves from the original, and the constant comparisons between the two find the new version tragically lacking for what has been touted as the most expensive movie musical ever filmed.

So, why did I like it so much?

Beauty and The Beast somehow hit the sweet spot between my childhood nostalgia and my love of shitting all over bad movies. I careened from being dazzled by the stunning visuals to seething over the seemingly endless stream of gay jokes. I reveled in the Lurhman-esque sensory overload of “Be Our Guest” (complete with a Moulin Rouge-tribute finale) while gleefully asserting that Ewan McGregor was no threat to Jerry Orbach’s legacy. When The Beast transformed into Dan Stevens, I thought well, he’s hot, but he still ruined Downton Abbey. It’s the polar opposite of Condon’s Dreamgirls adaptation, in which he took phenomenal source material and created a masterpiece that can be enjoyed parallel to the original. Here, he’s taken phenomenal source material and produced a staggeringly expensive argument for the superiority of the animated film.

Perhaps the best part of the utterly absurd badness of Beauty and The Beast was the fact that, like the enchanted objects populating the Beast’s crumbling castle, it seemed to have some sort of sentient awareness coupled with a complete lack of shame. “Yes, I know I’m a straight-forward retelling of a movie that had far more charm, but I’m here and you’re going to like me.” I couldn’t feel guilty about watching it when it was so unapologetic.

Not that there isn’t plenty to apologize for. If I weren’t so thoroughly indoctrinated to uncritically enjoy everything that Disney slaps in front of my face (except CarsCars can burn for all I care), I would hate the movie far more than I loved it. But it struck a hellish balance; for every big change I despised, there was a smaller change that triumphantly challenged things fans have always wondered about. For example, the matter of the Prince’s age, a hotly debated piece of Disney canon that placed him at twenty-one after the castle dining utensils had spent ten years rusting, as per “Be Our Guest.” Whatever could an eleven-year-old have done to condemn not just himself, but all of his servants, to such a hellish existence? How had it taken an entire village a mere decade to forget the monarchy that lived next door and suddenly vanished overnight?

And yet, some of the changes simply raise more questions. Why, if The Beast had a magical book that could transport him anywhere in the world, did he not use it to escape the mob storming the castle? At the very least, Belle could have used it to reach the village faster when her father was in danger. If the harpsichord emerged from the spell toothless due to loss of keys, why didn’t Chip’s human form manifest with a gory open head wound? And why did anyone on the production staff assume that we were curious about Belle’s mother’s cause of death? Especially when the sequence in which we saw Belle spirited away from Paris to avoid the plague had little to no bearing on the overall plot? And why does The Beast’s insensitivity now damn not just the servants in the castle, but their loved ones in the village, whose minds were violated by the spell’s memory-altering component?

The musical choices are bizarre and inexplicable. The limp “Evermore,” though capably performed by Stevens, might as well have been accompanied by the words “FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION” flashing across the center of the screen. Obviously, a Disney movie musical has to have an entry for the Best Original Song category come awards time, but why cast aside the Broadway version’s “If I Can’t Love Her” for a pale, inferior imitation? The same can be said for the saccharine “How Does A Moment Last Forever”. The syrupy sentiment could have been more capably served with the stage adaptation’s “No Matter What” (and given us a chance to hear Kevin Kline and Emma Watson duet). Beauty and The Beast has never lacked for unreleased tracks and alternate versions. That we didn’t see Luke Evans belting about his perfect thighs in “Me” is nothing short of a tragedy; that Audra McDonald sang fewer bars than Emma Thompson is heresy.

The much vaunted “exclusively gay moment” was a reach-for-your-popcorn-and-you’ll-miss-it flicker. After existing as a walking two-hour gay joke, LeFou is redeemed by an eleventh-hour conversion which occurs only after he becomes the target of Gaston’s treachery. After blithely admitting that he’s changed sides mid-battle to join the winning team, he is rewarded with a male dance partner moments before the credits roll. It was only a split-second, but I vaguely recognized the unnamed man as a character from the mob who, upon finding himself bewigged, be-gowned, and made up beautifully in an attack by McDonald’s Madame Garderobe, doesn’t run but instead grins with delight. For a movie supposedly making strides no other could achieve, Beauty and The Beast spends more time laughing at queerness than with it. Still, I found myself thrilling at the notion of a gay character–a villain’s henchman, no less–getting a romance that didn’t end up with someone dead. That says more about the current state of our creative media than the progressiveness of Beauty and The Beast.

There are some smart choices made in the update. I’ve always rejected the notion that Belle suffered from Stockholm syndrome; if anything, The Beast develops its counterpart, Lima syndrome. But there’s still the desert island issue: sure, Belle falls in love with The Beast, but it’s probably easy to become enamored of someone when they’re the only person around who has a pulse. In an attempt to fix this problem, we see Belle and The Beast bond over their common love of books. In her village, Belle faces derision and destruction of her property for daring to teach a little girl to read, yet the Beast is pleased to learn that Belle is not only literate but well-read. He even grudgingly reads the medieval equivalent of a romance novel after she reforms his thinking on the subject. It’s a wan nod to the very same pop-culture feminism that loves to endlessly dissect the Disney Princess phenomenon, but it does make Belle’s choices clearer. In the animated version, there weren’t many differences between The Beast and the reviled Gaston aside from how the narrative blatantly instructed us to perceive them. Here, the differences are plain. Though The Beast physically imprisons Belle, he wants her mind and her spirit to be free. Gaston doesn’t just want to revoke Belle’s physical autonomy; he wants to keep her from escaping into the world of books, as well. When Belle opines that no one can love if they aren’t free, The Beast lets her go. When Belle refuses Gaston’s advances, he tries to murder her father and have her committed to an asylum. It’s hard to argue that she’s made a poor romantic choice in the only eligible bachelor within fifty miles who doesn’t bemoan her literacy and independence.

At its heart, Beauty and The Beast is what it is. It’s not the pro-gay, rah-rah feminist update to a classic that it was made out to be in the weeks leading up to the premiere, but it is the CGI-and-sequins spectacle we were promised. It’s too ambitious, too lavish, too earnest to feel cheap, but too lazy, too glitzy, and far too obvious to add any value. Yes, it relies solely on nostalgia and hype mistaken for quality, but by the time Celine Dion warbled over the credits (a quarter of a century after she first sang the title theme from the animated film) I just didn’t care. How could I, when I’d just been sent such a gilded and sparkling care package from my childhood?

I resent the fact that Beauty and The Beast expected me to love it; I resent more that I absolutely do.

The Big Damn Writer Advice Column

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Q: My fiance is finishing up his first book, which has been kicking around his head for roughly 15 years. He’s into the initial editing phase, before he starts looking for an agent, and has asked for my help editing by reading through it. I enjoy the book and editing, but as I get closer to the end of the book, he gets more and more nervous. He is also hypercritical of his own writing and sometimes doesn’t believe that I actually like the book. What were some helpful ways people supported you during moments you were down on yourself about writing? What were some helpful things people did for you during editing to either help you edit or to take your mind off of freaking out about editing/the future?

A: I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your fiance is a writer. There is nothing you or anyone else will ever be able to tell him that will make him feel less nervous or critical about his work. And that’s partially a blessing; writers who believe they’re super awesome writers are goofy, intolerable people, anyway. Out of every writer I’ve ever met, I think a total of ten of them have really believed that they’re amazing writers. They were all super boring and not great writers. I have the same philosophy on this as I do on parenting: If you think you’re doing amazing, you’re probably not. If you think you’re doing awful, then you’re probably doing okay.

The best way you can be supportive is to give him honest feedback. If you spend too much time going, “No, this is really, really good, you’re not giving yourself enough credit, you’re a great writer, etc.” it’s just going to sound like you’re patronizing him, or that you really don’t like it but you’re pretending to because you love him. Whether or not that’s true, he’s going to think it anyway. The nerves, self-criticism, lack of confidence, and generally fatalistic attitude are all part of the writing process. Being straightforward and direct about the material as you’re reading it will go a lot further than trying to build up his confidence through other means. You sound like you already have passion and enthusiasm for helping him see this through, and even though he has moments of self-doubt, I promise that your willingness to participate in his dream with him is the most helpful thing you can do.


Q: Do your stories change a lot due to the conditions of the houses where they were published? I’m concerned that I might have to make unnecessary changes in order to fit into a certain mold, but I don’t know for sure and I’d really like to hear what you have to say about that. Thank you very much.

A: So, this is a question writers hear a lot. How much is a publisher going to change my work? And I don’t really have the answer to that because every writer/publisher relationship is different. But usually, an editor will be upfront about whether or not the book is going to need major changes, and probably won’t buy a book if it doesn’t fit their line already. Publishing houses aren’t going to buy a book they’re not looking for with the intent of making the author change it into something they are. They get enough submissions that if your book won’t fit their mold, they just won’t buy it.

When I originally submitted my first book to Harlequin’s Bombshell line, I got a revision letter saying, hey, this would work better for Harlequin Luna. Here are the changes you need to make for it to fit in with the Luna line. And it was a huge rewrite, so they didn’t want to take a chance and give me a contract with the intent of asking me to rewrite the whole book. I could have walked away at that point and went, “No, that’s too much work, it changes my book too much.” So, there was definitely a stage before a contract was offered where they were upfront that the book would not be picked up in the form I’d shown them and that major changes would have to be made.

But after you sell the book, there are still going to be things they’ll want to change, and that’s where I’m seeing a red flag word in your question. “Unnecessary.” That’s a subjective word. What you believe is necessary and what your publisher believes is necessary might not be the same, and if you’ve signed that contract, you’re not the one who decides what “unnecessary” means. I’ve known writers who’ve lost contracts because they balked at fairly minor revisions, and this is almost always because they’re so enamored with their artistic vision that they convinced themselves any changes would ruin their book. If an editor is asking for a change there’s a reason, and a good editor will be able to articulate that reason. It would be very rare for that reason to be “this makes it more like the other books we publish,” because if your book was so far outside of the style their readers expect, they probably wouldn’t have bought it in the first place. Remember that an editor isn’t there to steal or ruin your work and they don’t want to make it their own or put their own stamp on it. They’re the bridge between your work and your audience, and any changes they make are to facilitate and enhance your readers’ engagement with the story.


Bonus question: What software do you use to write your novels? What are the pros and cons of that program?

A: For my drafts, I use a website called It’s a subscription-based, stripped down version of Scrivener that stores all of your work online (and syncs copies of your drafts to Dropbox and Google Drive daily). This is a super important feature for me because I don’t have to worry about which version of which file is which when going from my desktop to my laptop or vice versa. After the first draft is done, it gets exported to Word for revisions.


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Here it is! The elaborate in-joke I wrote for everyone who went on this blogging journey with me. Finally, in all its bitchy glory, Say Goodbye To Hollywood is ready to snark up your Kindle. Or your phone. Or your tablet. Whichever. It’s here, that’s all that matters.

The cover is made to look like a screenplay fastened with paper brackets. There is a large coffee mug ring stain on the bottom right corner. The text reads "SAY GOODBYE TO HOLLYWOOD (a novel) Jenny Trout"

When she’s hired to adapt the blockbuster novel, Beautiful Darkness, for film, screenwriter Jessica Yates sees an opportunity she can’t pass up. The only thing standing between her and a guaranteed hit movie is the author. Lynn Baldwin’s rise from Midwestern housewife to literary superstardom has gone straight to her head, and she’s not willing to see her creation hit the screen without her total approval.

As the entire creative team struggles with the hard-to-please author, Jessica’s personal life spins out of control. When there’s more relationship drama and kinky sex off the page than on, she’s forced to reevaluate what she really wants—before Beautiful Darkness destroys her Hollywood dreams forever.

You can purchase it on Amazon or Smashwords, and the paperback will be available soon! When that happens, I promise it will be the last update you see about it on my blog, because I know some of you must be getting tired of hearing about this book.

True Blood Tuesday S03E11, “Fresh Blood”

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I just realized that if someone were unfamiliar with Taylor Swift, all my “Bad Blood” jokes would be wasted on them.

Anyway, I’m back from the dead! Here’s the file! Hit play approximately when the HBO sound and logo fade. Good luck and God speed.


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Say Goodbye To Hollywood releases tomorrow! I’m so excited. I can’t believe it’s finally almost here. But since there’s still another day to wait, here’s another excerpt to tide you over!

The cover is made to look like a screenplay fastened with paper brackets. There is a large coffee mug ring stain on the bottom right corner. The text reads "SAY GOODBYE TO HOLLYWOOD (a novel) Jenny Trout"

Read the excerpt after the jump, and don’t forget, you can pre-order it on Amazon, and buy other digital formats tomorrow at Smashwords! (Paperback to be announced soon).


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Happy Monday! Guess what you can do today? You can pre-order Say Goodbye To Hollywood on Amazon!


The cover is made to look like a screenplay fastened with paper brackets. There is a large coffee mug ring stain on the bottom right corner. The text reads "SAY GOODBYE TO HOLLYWOOD (a novel) Jenny Trout"

When she’s hired to adapt the blockbuster novel, Beautiful Darkness, for film, screenwriter Jessica Yates sees an opportunity she can’t pass up. The only thing standing between her and a guaranteed hit movie is the author. Lynn Baldwin’s rise from Midwestern housewife to literary superstardom has gone straight to her head, and she’s not willing to see her creation hit the screen without her total approval.

As the entire creative team struggles with the hard-to-please author, Jessica’s personal life spins out of control. When there’s more relationship drama and kinky sex off the page than on, she’s forced to reevaluate what she really wants—before Beautiful Darkness destroys her Hollywood dreams forever.

Pre-order on Amazon

*Say Goodbye To Hollywood will be available on Amazon and Smashwords on March 21, 2017. Other platforms to follow.

The Big Damn Writer Advice Column

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It’s that time of the week, when I answer your anonymous questions about writing and all that stuff connected to it. Every Thursday, I’ll be answering two questions from the Big Damn Writer Question Box.

Q: Writing a novel, especially for the first time, can take a long time. How would you suggest an aspiring author time-manage writing a novel? Should someone “quit their day job” and just start writing (extra question: how to manage finances while not working..?)? Or should an aspiring author try and write in whatever time they have and hope that it is enough time/effort spent to create a worthy final product?

A: When I wrote my first novel, I was a stay-at-home mom to an infant. I started writing the book when my son was four months old, and I did it basically when I could. If he was napping, I would write for that ten whole freaking minutes (the kid never slept) or what have you. It took me probably six months to write the first three chapters (then a panicked week to write the rest, but that’s a different story). Even after I got a contract, it wasn’t enough to live off, so I ended up getting a job, where I wrote here and there on my lunch breaks. I would never in a million years say, “You should quit your job with no financial plan whatsoever and just hope it will all work out!” If you’re a lucky person with disposable income and you can afford to put back like, six months worth of rent and bills and stick to that budget and you feel like you’re totally secure to take those six months off, sure. But that is not the advice I would give you.

The fact is, even if you get to the point where you can make a living on writing alone, you’re still going to have to make time to write. Mostly because the people in your life are not going to respect the fact that you’re working. And you’re not, either. When you don’t punch a clock, it’s really, really tempting to be like, “Ah, I can just Netflix and eat this popcorn today. I’ve done enough.” So what I would say to you now is, try to write in whatever time you have, hope that it’s enough time and effort spent to create a worthy final product, and then you’ve made good writing habits for the future. Because honestly, whenever you write a book, all you’re doing is hoping you’ve put in enough time and effort to create a worthy final product. That doesn’t change whether you’ve got ten minutes a day or ten uninterrupted hours a day.


Q: Do you think using an old personal relationship as part of the back story for the main characters in a fictional novel is a bad idea? The heroine of my novel is not meant to be an avatar of myself, even though we share one specific experience. How do you incorporate your own experiences into a character without making her a copy of yourself?

A: All of your characters are going to be coming from you, so it’s only natural that they’re going to have things in common with you. In my first book, my heroine had an ex-boyfriend who broke up with her because he thought she wouldn’t be a good mother to his hypothetical future children. It gave her a complex about motherhood, about whether or not she should even want to a mother, for the entire series. That was based on a real breakup I had, in which an ex told me, “I want to have children, and I can’t see you being a good mother.” But everything else about the character couldn’t have been more different from me. For my The Boss series, Sophie has an absentee father and that has shaped a lot of who she is, but otherwise we have nothing in common.

If I sat down and wrote a character who was a pot smoking chronic pain patient who writes books for a living, I’m going to just be writing about myself. And it’s difficult to write yourself as a fictional character and then make that character believable because what you’re going to end up doing is creating an idealized version of yourself that you’re not going to want to ascribe flaws to or put in harm’s way. Or, you’ll end up ascribing too many flaws and then when people go, “This was an unlikeable character,” you’ll be like, “I knew it! Everyone hates me!” I don’t think that would be a very fun feeling.

The very best characters feel real, and in order to write a real character, they need to be real people in your head. So there’s nothing wrong with putting experiences or traits that you empathize with or understand into their backgrounds. You just can’t limit yourself to those traits and experiences that are unique to you. Maybe include one or two things, at most, one or two things from people you admire (or can’t stand), and then spend the rest of your time getting to know the totally different person you’ve built.


Bonus Question: Will you read my questionable Twilight fanfic y/n?

A. I think I’ve read enough questionable Twilight fanfic, don’t you?

Dakota Johnson as Ana Steele in 50 Shades of Grey, right after she tells Christian there's nothing interesting about her or whatever Mary Sue nonsense the line was.


Wanna see your questions get answered (or just wanna air a grievance?) Put it in the box!