FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM, EVENING
JENNY TROUT, a brilliant young writer with the face of an obese Bernadette Peters sits on the bed beside her husband, MR. JEN. People often tell him he reminds them of Seth Rogan, and he is terrible at remembering names. Mr. Jen is sprawled out in bed, pantsless. Jenny pretends to slap him in the dick and makes various explosion sounds and hand motions.
MR. JEN
Was that a fucking mushroom cloud?
JENNY
Yeah. That’s how hard I slapped your dick.
MR. JEN
You slapped me in the dick so hard–
JENNY
That I split atoms and shit. Right.
MR. JEN
So, you slapped me in the dick so hard, you split atoms?
JENNY
(miming a spreading cloud with her hands)
Yes. This is the fallout. Look how far it’s going.
MR. JEN
Okay, if you hit me in the dick, if the explosion happened where my dick is, we would be at ground zero.
JENNY
Yes.
MR. JEN
So we would be instantly vaporized.
JENNY
Mmhm.
MR.JEN
The kids are dead.
JENNY
That’s right.
MR. JEN
The dogs are dead.
JENNY
Oh, everything is dead. Most of Michigan, definitely, is dead.
MR. JEN
How big was this explosion?
JENNY
(still indicating with her hands)
This is the fallout. This is where the fallout is…you know, this is the exclusion zone. It’s most of Michigan.
MR. JEN
You slapped me in the dick so hard that it destroyed all of Michigan–
JENNY
Most of Michigan.
MR. JEN
It destroyed everything, Jen. If the blast was so big that it destroyed most of Michigan, it destroyed the Earth.
JENNY
That’s not true. That’s not true, the blast wasn’t that big, but it would be big enough that the exclusion zone covered most of Michigan. We would have to sell the top half of Michigan–
MR. JEN
Oh my god, you are so high.
JENNY
What I’m saying is, it’s not like it’s going to blow Michigan completely off the map. I’m saying it’s going to make the exclusion zone go across, like it goes all the way to Lansing. And people are like, ew, I don’t, I definitely don’t want to drive there so–
MR. JEN
The exclusion area isn’t going to be that big.
JENNY
It’s going to be pretty big. Like, as big as that place in the Ukraine.
MR. JEN
Chernobyl. It’s going to be as big as the exclusion zone for Chernobyl.
JENNY
Yes.
MR. JEN
That’s not really that big.
JENNY
Okay, what is it, like thirty miles? That would still be… We would have to sell the top part of Michigan, like here’s the UP and here’s the bridge, and you come down and it’s just right there, you have to stop.
MR. JEN
For thirty miles.
JENNY
We would have to sell Michigan to Canada. Because I slapped you in the dick.
FADE OUT.
THE END
MR. JEN: “Oh my god, you are so high.”
This. So much this. You made me laugh myself stupid, lol…
This is the best
Honestly? I can only think of how much that must have hurt that you slapped him in the dick so hard that you split atoms.
Meh. If she really slapped him that hard, he wouldn’t feel a thing.
Ever.
It would instantly destroy all his nerves.
This was magical.
Amazing 🙂
This was one of the funniest things I have ever read. I want to be that high!
This is just like the conversations I have with Mr Xebi, only funnier and with weed.
Still a better love story than Fifty fucking Shades.
By miles, Vince, by miles. And kinkier. Sad but true.
Oh dear, did you get a proper release from Mr. Jen or is it implied in the marriage contract that he may be quoted in this manner? I will spend all day imagining mushroom clouds erupting out of men’s trousers. TY
THIS is the romance novel I want to read from you.
Roflmao! Thank you for sharing this very entertaining interlude from your personal life. 🙂
This was awesome. I’d read like 30 more pages of this.
Buehehehehehehe, you two are so adorable. :DDD So cute, in fact, that i’m now picturing this whole scene depicted in a vaguely manga-sequence style comic strip, wherein Mr. Jen is sitting on the bed all pantless and wide eyed, while you draw a huuuge mushroom cloud in the air with your hands, an expression of rapture on your tiny animated visage. Heeee. Seriously though, I hope you’ll keep including little anecdotes like this, ‘cause they make my heart hurt in the best way. 🙂