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Dick Slap: A Romantic Interlude

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FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM, EVENING

JENNY TROUT, a brilliant young writer with the face of an obese Bernadette Peters sits on the bed beside her husband, MR. JEN. People often tell him he reminds them of Seth Rogan, and he is terrible at remembering names. Mr. Jen is sprawled out in bed, pantsless. Jenny pretends to slap him in the dick and makes various explosion sounds and hand motions.

MR. JEN
Was that a fucking mushroom cloud?

JENNY
Yeah. That’s how hard I slapped your dick.

MR. JEN
You slapped me in the dick so hard–

JENNY
That I split atoms and shit. Right.

MR. JEN
So, you slapped me in the dick so hard, you split atoms?

JENNY
(miming a spreading cloud with her hands)
Yes. This is the fallout. Look how far it’s going.

MR. JEN
Okay, if you hit me in the dick, if the explosion happened where my dick is, we would be at ground zero.

JENNY
Yes.

MR. JEN
So we would be instantly vaporized.

JENNY
Mmhm.

MR.JEN
The kids are dead.

JENNY
That’s right.

MR. JEN
The dogs are dead.

JENNY
Oh, everything is dead. Most of Michigan, definitely, is dead.

MR. JEN
How big was this explosion?

JENNY
(still indicating with her hands)
This is the fallout. This is where the fallout is…you know, this is the exclusion zone. It’s most of Michigan.

MR. JEN
You slapped me in the dick so hard that it destroyed all of Michigan–

JENNY
Most of Michigan.

MR. JEN
It destroyed everything, Jen. If the blast was so big that it destroyed most of Michigan, it destroyed the Earth.

JENNY
That’s not true. That’s not true, the blast wasn’t that big, but it would be big enough that the exclusion zone covered most of Michigan. We would have to sell the top half of Michigan–

MR. JEN
Oh my god, you are so high.

JENNY
What I’m saying is, it’s not like it’s going to blow Michigan completely off the map. I’m saying it’s going to make the exclusion zone go across, like it goes all the way to Lansing. And people are like, ew, I don’t, I definitely don’t want to drive there so–

MR. JEN
The exclusion area isn’t going to be that big.

JENNY
It’s going to be pretty big. Like, as big as that place in the Ukraine.

MR. JEN
Chernobyl. It’s going to be as big as the exclusion zone for Chernobyl.

JENNY
Yes.

MR. JEN
That’s not really that big.

JENNY
Okay, what is it, like thirty miles? That would still be… We would have to sell the top part of Michigan, like here’s the UP and here’s the bridge, and you come down and it’s just right there, you have to stop.

MR. JEN
For thirty miles.

JENNY
We would have to sell Michigan to Canada. Because I slapped you in the dick.

FADE OUT.

THE END

14 Comments

  1. M
    M

    MR. JEN: “Oh my god, you are so high.”

    This. So much this. You made me laugh myself stupid, lol…

    August 30, 2016
    |Reply
  2. Laura
    Laura

    Honestly? I can only think of how much that must have hurt that you slapped him in the dick so hard that you split atoms.

    August 30, 2016
    |Reply
    • Xebi
      Xebi

      Meh. If she really slapped him that hard, he wouldn’t feel a thing.

      Ever.

      It would instantly destroy all his nerves.

      August 31, 2016
      |Reply
  3. Cheshire
    Cheshire

    This was magical.

    August 31, 2016
    |Reply
  4. shel
    shel

    Amazing 🙂

    August 31, 2016
    |Reply
  5. Lan
    Lan

    This was one of the funniest things I have ever read. I want to be that high!

    August 31, 2016
    |Reply
  6. Xebi
    Xebi

    This is just like the conversations I have with Mr Xebi, only funnier and with weed.

    August 31, 2016
    |Reply
    • Ana Namuss
      Ana Namuss

      By miles, Vince, by miles. And kinkier. Sad but true.

      January 21, 2017
      |Reply
  7. terri Czarski
    terri Czarski

    Oh dear, did you get a proper release from Mr. Jen or is it implied in the marriage contract that he may be quoted in this manner? I will spend all day imagining mushroom clouds erupting out of men’s trousers. TY

    September 1, 2016
    |Reply
  8. candy apple
    candy apple

    THIS is the romance novel I want to read from you.

    September 1, 2016
    |Reply
  9. Anon123
    Anon123

    Roflmao! Thank you for sharing this very entertaining interlude from your personal life. 🙂

    September 4, 2016
    |Reply
  10. Sara
    Sara

    This was awesome. I’d read like 30 more pages of this.

    September 5, 2016
    |Reply

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