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UPDATE

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Hey, everybody. Bear with me. I might be scattered.

Yesterday, I had a really unpleasant encounter with someone. I don’t mean like a stranger. This is a person who I have personal conflict with, but whom I occasionally work with in a volunteer organization. I don’t like this person, but I work with them and I don’t antagonize them. I did make a serious complaint about her behavior in 2017, but the leadership in charge at that time didn’t move on it, so I moved on when the new leadership came in and let bygones be bygones.

I still don’t have to like this person.

But yesterday, this person confronted me during a board meeting. She had a prepared statement about the disrespect I constantly show her.

I don’t smile.

I don’t make eye contact.

I don’t say hello every time I see her.

This individual is aware that I’m autistic. She wrote a prepared statement about behaviors I cannot control and presented it as me being intentionally “hostile” and “threatening.” She demanded to know why I don’t like her.

Did you know that if a neurotypical person asks you this question, they’re not actually wanting to know the answer? I learned that yesterday.

Also, I said, “I’m not obligated to like you,” which, judging from the noise that came out of her and the weird expression on her face, nobody has told the neurotypicals this piece of information before. I truly believe yesterday was the day that she learned people don’t have to unfailingly love her.

On top of being autistic, I have C-PTSD. A lot of people on the spectrum have both, due to how we were treated, even by well-meaning people, in our childhoods. This woman lost total control, shrieking at me, shouting over me, leaping to wild accusations. After being asked by the leadership several times, she finally stopped long enough for me to respond to her accusations, which I managed to do calmly. Then, I left the meeting.

I came home feeling fine-ish. I was aware that the incident had triggered my C-PTSD, and that I was in fight, flight, freeze response. I could rationalize every symptom, because they were all physical. I had the mental stuff on lock because, well… it’s easier when you don’t care about the person who’s been screaming at you. I didn’t internalize it as my own failing, and honestly she looked like a full spectacle while she was ranting about childish shit, demanding that I justify why I don’t like her, why I don’t have to like her, how I treat her so disrespectfully. She weirdly insinuated that I was racist towards white people. It was truly the most Jennie Jones, Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil fuckery and I laughed about it while describing it. She looked so ridiculous. She sounded ridiculous. She contradicted herself constantly, claiming not to have ever met me before 2022, then claiming to have objected to things I did in 2021. It was all so transparently bullshit that, frankly, if anyone believed her lies, it was because they preferred that to confronting the person she really is. She was out of control and looked like a fucking caricature. She was so unwound, like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum at a grocery store, that all I could on the way to my car was laugh at her.

I wish I would have laughed in her face, in hindsight. I mean, I was already disrespecting her by living, right? I should have just laughed at her the way I wanted to, because she did look truly comical in her impotent rage.

I’m not laughing now. I’m angry now. I’m angry because even though I can break my symptoms down and go, “This is the reason I’m feeling these things,” I can’t not feel them. I can’t turn them off. As a result of the interaction and the chemicals PTSD releases in the brain, I could not sleep. At least, not deeply. My muscles are cross-fit sore from trembling that I could not control, even though I feel like the entire interaction was absurd. Sitting hurts. Lying down hurts. Standing hurts. Even though it’s been over twelve hours, I’m still shaking and experiencing involuntary movements.

The mental effects are starting to catch up to me, as well. I want to lash out now. I want to inflict my rage on someone. I want to burn bridges and ruin established relationships and make everyone hurt the way my body hurts, and the way it hurts to be triggered by being shouted and pointed at, talked down to, and scolded for behavior caused by a disorder I can’t control. I want to call people up and scream at them, “This person claims to understand kids on the spectrum, claims to have all this expertise in ‘dealing with them,’ but feels like I’m disrespecting her because I’m autistic?”

That was the worst part. The scolding me for not masking well enough. It was a flashback to childhood. To every time I’ve been chastised and humiliated for breaking a social contract I was never informed about. That’s what the trigger was, and she pulled it hard.

And even though the incident was small, it’s affecting me badly. I need to take some time off. I can’t say how long. I haven’t been this seriously triggered since my massive breakdown in 2019. I don’t want another massive breakdown. I don’t want to have to rebuild everything. And I definitely don’t want that infected cunt lesion of an alleged “person” to affect my life. But having someone jabbing their finger at you four feet from your body does trigger you, whether you know you’re safe or not. I’m not well. I’m not sure when I will be. So, this is a long-winded way of saying I’m taking a sudden, unexpected, undefined hiatus. The Ogre’s Fairytale Bride will still be posting, because it’s already written. The ACOTAR recaps will keep posting, since they’re also written. I might make videos, to get out of my head a little bit? If I feel like it? Anything else has to wait. I need to focus on my mental health and my brain can’t do a work schedule and heal itself. This may be a week. It might be a month. I don’t know. But you’ll all be the first to know when I come back!

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27 Comments

  1. Lydia Nelson
    Lydia Nelson

    Glad you’re taking time to care for yourself. Allistic people demanding masking is the fucking worst.

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  2. Kat
    Kat

    I’m glad you’re taking the time to take care of yourself and recover from a shitty experience, no matter how long that may take. Best to you and your family <3

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  3. Blanche
    Blanche

    Wow what a terrible person!! I hope anyone who thinks she is fit to work with kids is re-thinking that.

    Wishing you ease while you recover.

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  4. Mab
    Mab

    Take care of yourself Jenny, and try to remind yourself that her rant has nothing to do with you. I am, to the best of my knowledge, not autistic, so I can’t speak to what you are going through, but I can say that her reaction to not being liked was not normal, rational behaviour. She clearly has some issues she needs to work on because, unless you were being outwardly hostile to her, calling her names, yelling in her face or leaving bags of shit on her chair, she was being unreasonable (to put it nicely). You did nothing wrong.

    You give yourself all the time you need. We’ll amuse ourselves by continuing to poke fun at the shitshow that is ACOTAR.

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  5. Calypso
    Calypso

    Adding to the thoughts for you to take the time you need. Wish you were working on a show.

    Also, and I hope this is ok, I linked this entry to friends of mine who have two sons on the spectrum. Although my friends are smart, educated, compassionate and want the best for their kids….they can never really get inside what it’s like for their boys.

    As always, you write with such clarity and direct-to-the-heart truth. I believe your words will give them insight.

    Be patient with yourself. I could send some harpies to shred your committee idjit to confetti, if you like?

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  6. Geirgeanna Bibgley
    Geirgeanna Bibgley

    That sounds incredibly traumatic. Take all the time you need to recover and heal. As someone who comes to this site multiple times a week (sometimes multiple times a day when I’m hoping for ab update) I can assure you we will be here when you get back <3

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
    • Al
      Al

      Seconded! I came here for the first time in like… 2015? And have had times where I didn’t check at all but always found my way back. Soooo some of us are like boomerangs! We always come back!

      November 27, 2023
      |Reply
  7. ShifterCat
    ShifterCat

    YEESH. I hope that organization kicks her out.

    And, FWIW, I think you’d be entirely justified in telling them (when you’re ready), “She goes or I go.”

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  8. Karin from the Netherlands
    Karin from the Netherlands

    So sorry this happened to you. Did someone back you up there? Because it feels like someone should have told her to step outside for a bit to calm the fuck down.

    But yeah, life’s too short to work alongside assholes, so I second the “she goes or I” sentiment. (Also, no judgement if you choose to stay/let it slide. Because I don’t know how much you love the job/organisation and if there are alternatives, etc. These kind of choices can be complicated)

    I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m in awe of your ability to recognise your triggers, and your ability to not give in to urges, and practice good selfcare instead. It’s inspiring, because I’m currently in therapy to learn to deal with my neurodiversity. We can’t control others, but we can learn to control ourselves. And this post makes it obvious to me that you did the hard work.

    Take all the time you need. You deserve it.

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  9. Lydia Valentine
    Lydia Valentine

    I hope you feel better! We’ll be here when you’re ready. <3 I am also ND and feel this deeply. I’ve had these encounters before and I commend you for keeping yourself together enough to know that you need some time to yourself.

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  10. Rebecca P.
    Rebecca P.

    Wow, I wonder why you wouldn’t like her, this woman who prepares a statement of her grievances against you to deliver in front of a group instead of coming to ask you about it directly, and then completely fucking flies off the handle when pushed back on. From your description here, it sounds like you looked way better in this situation and I hope the rest of the board sees this. Especially if this is related to work with autistic children, if I understood that correctly? She is completely unfit.

    Despite that, I’m so sorry you had to be subjected to that, and I hope you get the recovery you need.

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  11. Casey
    Casey

    And the chair of the board meeting didn’t say “This is neither the time nor place for this”?? On the other hand, I’m glad they let this person make a fool of themselves where everyone could see. Take care of yourself, Jenny

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  12. Al
    Al

    Commented on Patreon already but please do take care of yourself and don’t worry about doing things.

    November 27, 2023
    |Reply
  13. Victoria
    Victoria

    I’m so sorry that you had to go through that and annoyed on your behalf that your colleague couldn’t remain appropriately professional. Please add my voice to those supporting you to prioritise your well-being.

    As someone who does a reasonable amount of work in the voluntary sector (and who has autistic characteristics), I really hate it when people bring their personal bs to meetings that way. Having been both the audience and the target of personal attacks at volunteer meetings (on different occasions), it sounds like you handled it very well, and your colleagues who had to listen to the inappropriate behaviour also have my sympathy.

    Sending you all the good thoughts and energy for your recovery.

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
  14. Tina
    Tina

    My unasked for assessment of it as a neurotypical: This person is an a-hole. There’s no excuse for being one and treating anyone like this, much less someone she knows is autistic. It’s horrible behaviour and I’m sorry you had to experience it. The audacity of this person blows my mind. No one is entitled to be smiled at!

    I hope you can work through this quickly and safely and get all the rest and care you need. Speaking for myself, I will be here for your work when you are better.

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
    • ShifterCat
      ShifterCat

      Another allistic person here seconding “no one is entitled to be smiled at”.

      Also, as a friend put it: “Don’t ask why someone doesn’t want to date you/hire you/etc. You will probably not like the answer.”

      November 29, 2023
      |Reply
  15. Katie
    Katie

    I just caught up to the present on this blog. Thank you for all of your amazing posts and recaps, Jenny! They have helped me get through a lot this year. I hope your time away is healing for you, and you’re supported in your physical and mental health needs right now and always.

    And, this person’s behavior was abusive and unconscionable. It was spiteful and lacked the empathy, awareness and self-control that should be required of someone in any kind of leadership position. She hurt you, deliberately, because you wouldn’t perform a relationship for her. It’s not just bad behavior on her part, the effects matter too. Your pain and trauma from this matter, because you matter and are a real and important person who doesn’t deserve what you’re going through. She deserves to be kicked out of whatever this organization is based on this incident alone. It’s often impossible not to internalize abuse like this in some way, especially with a history of it. But as an outsider I want to add to the voices affirming that she’s the one who deserves repercussions for harming you.

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
  16. I’m starting to doubt whether I am neurotypical, I think I land more on the divergent side of things but even still, I’m shocked that this lady didn’t realize that people aren’t obligated to like her. I feel like I learned that lesson while I was a kid. Her reaction was not normal and neither was her tirade before. Someone should have stopped her and I really hope someone took her aside after and told her that her behaviour was out of line.

    Take care of yourself and take all the time you need.

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
  17. Annya
    Annya

    I am so sorry this happened to you. Take care for yourself and thank you for the post, since I am absolutely sure that many people in similar situations were unable to express themselves and feel seen to have their emotions and experiences expressed and validated.

    Take care and be well.

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
  18. Please take good care of yourself and take all the time you need. How she behaved is absolutely horrible.

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
  19. Alicia
    Alicia

    Fuck her for doing that to you. What a gross way to prove that your opinion of her was entirely correct all along! Terrible interactions like that always feel like a jellyfish on my brain when I think about them afterward, even if the other person was making a fool of themself. Hope you feel better after time and rest. <3

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
  20. Dove
    Dove

    Wow! The sheer audacity of this person. Also, I’m sorry that life has been such a shit show for you lately. First there were the extended moving complications, with that final BS rug pull at the end, and now this dumb ass is triggering old trauma right around the holidays, which are typically stressful no matter who you are. Take all the time that you need in order to handle that. We’ll be around and even if not, there’s always more people who can find your website in the future. I just hope it gets better sooner rather than later. You deserve good things, Jenny!

    November 28, 2023
    |Reply
  21. Zev
    Zev

    Please take care of yourself and take all the time you need. What a terrible experience. What a monstrous asshole of a person. I was legit horrified as I was reading.
    I, too, have C-PTSD but to my knowledge, am not autistic. An enormous trigger of mine is being screamed at, especially when others don’t intervene. So I felt like I could relate to this a tiny bit.

    As others have also stated, I will be here when you come back.

    November 29, 2023
    |Reply
  22. Rebecca
    Rebecca

    …fucks sake. Thank you for taking care of yourself; we’ll be here when you get back.

    November 29, 2023
    |Reply
  23. Biev
    Biev

    On behalf of us neurotypicals who aren’t entitled idiots: you’re perfectly likeable the way you are. You don’t need to mask to make your coworkers comfortable. That always backfires, anyway — I can say this confidently as someone who’s been trained to hide my disability from childhood. The only people who feel more comfortable when we mask are abusive assholes.

    December 4, 2023
    |Reply
  24. […] update everybody on what happened after this post, I received a formal apology from the executive arm of the organization. And I’m not getting […]

    December 21, 2023
    |Reply

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