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50 Shades Freed recap, Epilogue or, “This is what E.L. James has wrought. And we all have to live with it.”

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So, here we are. I think this is going to be the last recap. I know there’s “bonus” material, like the first chapter written from Christian’s POV and a story with him as a child, but after this epilogue, I’m honestly defeated. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I fear for women. I fear for the women who embrace this book. I fear for the women who will raise their Greybies to be “gentlemen” like Christian and “strong women” like Ana. I fear for the lives of domestic violence victims to be, the woman who seek out their own Christian Grey and find him. I fear for the women who see their abuse experience reflected in this book, and who find no solace from people they used to trust, because they know that they’ll never be understood so long as 50 Shades is the greatest romance of our time. I fear for the children who will be born to dangerously flawed fathers because their mothers believe, from the example set in these books, that abusive men can change through the shared miracle of unwanted pregnancy.

I’ve seen comments from people out there on the internet saying that they felt the tone of my recaps moved from funny to tragic, and that they could tell that the subject matter had begun to depress me. That assessment couldn’t be more on point. I used to find it fun to mock this book, thinking that surely, at some point in its meteoric rise, people would begin to see how ridiculous it is. But that hasn’t happened. To every person who staunchly believes it is going to happen, that movie will flop, that people will suddenly get what we’ve been saying all along: I understand why you’re clinging to that delusion. It’s easier to live in a world with hope. But there is no hope here. The movie will be a box office success. More fans will be introduced. The cycle will start all over again.

I’ve tried to refrain from too many vicious personal attacks on E.L. James. I’ve said some snarky stuff and left it there. But I’m done with that. This woman is a danger to women and to society in general. She is an ignorant, arrogant, self-important wannabe who accidentally made it, and now believes her own hype. She will never acknowledge that her book is a piece of abuse glorifying trash. She will never do anything to set right the horrible things she’s put into motion. She is, if not the literal devil, certainly a very close approximation of that kind of evil. She is Sarah Palin. She is Michelle  Bachman. She is every woman who betrays other women, on a bloated, disgusting scale. Maybe I would have pitied her once, but I have no doubt that she knows what she is doing, and that it will sell and line her already swollen bank account. Perhaps whatever book she is crafting out of unsubtle plagiarism for her next release won’t reach such an impressive height. I can only hope that comes true. But there will never be any consequence for the way she’s endangered the lives of women who want to live this “fantasy” she finds so romantic, or portrayed sexual ignorance, lack of consent, and outright abuse as not only desirable, but utterly necessary for a woman to be worthy of love. No matter how much you want to believe there will be, there never will be and justice .

Now, onto the shit show that is the epilogue.

Remember how idiot Grey fans were leaving comments about how the books get so much better, and Christian changes so much, and everything turns out to be really empowering after all? This is the epilogue. This is the series’s final chance. Let’s see how it goes:

The epilogue begins with a time stamp:

The Big House, May 2014

For those of you thinking, “Yes, he goes to jail!” I’m sorry to say she’s talking about the mansion they live in.

I lie on our tartan picnic blanket and gaze up at the clear, blue, summer sky, my view framed by meadow flowers and tall green grasses.

I hope you get lyme disease.

Ana thinks about how amazing her life is, and how amazing her husband is, and

I smile and squirm as my mind drifts to the delicious memory of last night in our home in Escala…

So, they kept the apartment. Why? For sexy times, of course! God forbid we fuck in the house where our family is. We need a whole special house for that shit, because sex, BDSM in particular, is shameful and incompatible with a normal life.

There’s a paragraph break, and Christian has just finished flogging her, I guess, and then he fingers her and

“Mrs. Grey,” he breathes, and his teeth pull on my earlobe. “You’re so ready.”

Glad we got that in there one last time. The greatest hits parade continues to roll down Stupid Shit Avenue.

Then more of the same sex scenes that have been copy/pasted throughout the entire series, and

Hmm… even I taste good on his fingers.

As opposed to the way other women taste on his fingers? Or just other stuff in general? How often are you sucking on his fingers? Is he feeding you that way now, to protect you from forks?

She gives him a bj, and it is of course a copy/paste bj we’ve seen way too many times before, complete with

I love doing this to Christian. Watching him come apart, hearing his breath hitch, and the soft moans he makes deep in his throat.

I would love to watch Christian “come apart,” too. In a helicopter crash in his ridiculous “Charlie Tango.” If it could slam directly into “the big house” and make Ana “come apart” too, that would be fucking spectacular.

Blah blah blah, sex, blah blah blah, vague references to sexual stuff.

He groans and starts to move, really move, pounding into me again and again.

Again, glad to see the old favorites coming back. I love how specific that particular phrase is: “he starts to move, really move, not fake moving, not like when someone moves but they don’t actually move. It’s not an optical illusion or my eyes being really tired and getting an unfocused twitch. He’s actually moving. Like, really. He is physically moving his body. There is tangible motion. I just want to be clear that he is moving. Really moving. Not not moving. I’m not lying to you, he’s moving.”

“Come on, Ana,” he groans through gritted teeth, and I explode around him, my orgasm going on and on and on.

I understand how difficult it sometimes is to come up with new things to say in a sex scene. It does become a challenge. But you cannot convince me that this stuff isn’t literally copy/pasted from other parts of this and the other manuscripts. This is like, Laurell K. Hamilton levels of word recycling. I’m surprised we’re not hearing about how Ana’s skin is so flawless she never has to use base, or how she glows like she swallowed the moon. But this is ripped off from a different vampire series, so, you know.

There’s a section break, and the sex is mercilessly over, and they’re lying in bed, Christian feeling Ana’s pregnant belly.

“How’s my daughter?”

“She’s dancing,” I laugh.

“Dancing? Oh yes! Wow. I can feel her.” He grins as Blip Two somersaults inside me.

“I think she likes sex already.”

Here is one of the things I think has been grossly misrepresented in discussion of these books. I think even I have said, “Christian says his daughter likes sex in the womb.” But it’s not Christian who says it. It’s Ana. I also think I’ve said before that Christian flogs Ana’s pregnant belly, but upon rereading, he doesn’t. He just trails the flogger over her belly. I don’t know if my mind– and the minds of other people– somehow figured, “Well, this book is so shitty, that’s probably what happened,” or if this stuff happened in the fanfic where the novel originated, but it’s not actually in there. I’m sorry if I’ve misrepresented anything, but it’s been two years since I read the books, and even then I read them all in a weekend. I think this probably happened to a lot of people, because I’ve seen other people say the same inaccurate things.

Christian says his daughter can’t have sex until she’s thirty, because LOL, fathers thinking they have some right to a chaste, sexually repressed daughter is so hilarious and cute. Then he says he’s looking forward to the taste of breast milk again, because if there’s one thing this series does well, it’s infantilizing anything sexual and sexualizing anything remotely related to children.

Back in the meadow, everything in Ana’s life is perfect, because having children fixes deeply damaged men and everyone should do it. Christian is fully functional now, and a wonderful father to their son, Ted:

I giggle-snort at Ted’s imperious tone. Jeez– so like his dad, and he’s only two.

Photo on 2-19-14 at 4.22 PM #2

Of course, Ted is the most beautiful and talented child on the planet, but then I am his mother so I would think that.

No, but seriously, born of these two flawless human beings, he really is the most beautiful and talented, and the reader knows this.

They talk about how they’re going to have lots of children, so never fear, the spawn of Grey will be out there, like Skye O’Malley’s children, ready to torture us with their own “erotic” adventures, I’m sure.

Taylor’s daughter, Sophie, shows up with popsicles from “Mrs. Taylor.” So, Mrs. Jones and Taylor did get married, after all.

“Can Ted and I go for a walk,” Sophie asks.

“Sure.”

“Don’t go too far.”

“No, Mr. Grey.” Sophie’s hazel eyes are wide and serious. I think she’s a little frightened of Christian.

Do I really need to point out here how deranged it is for a little girl to be afraid of this dashing romantic hero? That it’s not attractive for your husband to make little girls wary around him?

And of course, Christian watches Sophie and Ted like a hawk.

“They’ll be fine, Christian. What harm could come to them here?” He frowns at me momentarily, and I crawl over into his lap.

“Besides, Ted is completely smitten with Sophie.”

Christian snorts and nuzzles my hair. “She’s a delightful child.”

“She is. So pretty, too. A blonde angel.”

WHOA. Back the train the fuck up. She’s blonde… and Ana… likes her?

SHE IS BLONDE.

AND ANA LIKES HER.

boogie mind blown Jenna-Mind_blown leslie mind blown mind blown NDT mind blown the doctor mind blown tom mind blown

“I enjoyed last night,” he says. “We should do that more often.”

“Me, too.”

“And we could, if you stopped working…”

Yeah, Ana. Abandon your career and become his full-time fuck doll. We all know you’re going to do that, anyway, because you’re the literal worst.

To be clear, what I’m saying here is: if you are one of the many women who read this book for the fantasy of a billionaire who comes along to sweep you away from your personal agency and the horrors that feminism has wrought, specifically the unfairness of having to work and earn a living rather than being a man’s property without a single financial obligation, then congratulations, you’re a fucking idiot and I hope you spontaneously combust.

I roll my eyes and he tightens his arms around me and grins into my neck.

“Are you rolling your eyes at me, Mrs. Grey?” His threat is implicit, but sensual, making me squirm, but as we’re in the middle of the meadow with the kids nearby, I ignore his invitation.

I like that. Invitation. As if she has some ability to decline. And I’m so glad that we got another eye roll in there. My life wouldn’t have been complete without it.

“Grey Publishing has an author on the New York Times bestsellers list– Boyce Fox’s sales are phenomenal, the e-book side of our business has exploded, and I finally have the team I want around me.”

“And you’re making money in these difficult times,” Christian adds, his voice reflecting his pride. “But… I like you barefoot and pregnant in my kitchen.”

Yeah, he sounds so fucking proud of her accomplishments, doesn’t he? “Gee, honey, that’s great that you’ve had some success (that very likely was funded by me, because let’s face it, I’m never going to allow you to have anything you built by yourself), but I’d like it better if you just stayed at home and did nothing but squeeze out more kids we can raise up to have our stellar values.” HOW DREAMY.

“I like that, too,” I murmur, and he kisses me, his hands still spread across my bump.

Go fuck yourself, Ana.

So, Ana and Christian argue over naming the next baby after Christian’s birth mother. I know what you’re thinking: who names a baby “the crack whore?” But as it turns out, her name was really Ella. And Christian is not having it. And Ana, come on. He was so wounded and damaged and OMG sexy because of his tortured past. Why the hell would he want that brought up every single time he looked at his child? Why not just name the baby Renesmee and get it over with? We all know what the fuck you’re getting at, E.L.. We’ve cracked your ingenious code.

Ted drops his popsicle, and it’s the infamous finger-sucking scene you’ve probably already heard about, but suffice it to say, it’s not really that creepy, except for the part where first Ted, then Ana, then Christian all suck Ted’s fingers. And you know how I am about shit like that. I had this full-body shudder at the thought of sucking on a child’s fingers. I don’t care how clean you keep your kids, they’re crawling with disease. I would have to amputate my tongue and burn it before I would ever feel clean again. But contrary to what I’ve seen some people report, it doesn’t say that Christian “sensually” licks his kid’s fingers. This book is gross and vaguely pedophilic enough as it is.

There’s a section break, and Christian is reading The Lorax to Ted, probably to remind us of Christian’s commitment to the environment. You know, his commitment to the environment that includes owning a shipyard, driving insanely inefficient super cars and SUVs, playing on jet skis and yachts and helicopters that all run on fossil fuel and pollute the environment, and demanding nothing but new items whenever he buys anything. Then there’s another section break, and Ana thinks about her harrowing birth experience, wherein she has a c-section after fifteen hours of labor:

“Nurse, page the anesthesiologist. Dr. Miller, prep for a c-section. Mrs. Grey, we are going to move you to the OR.”

“Move?” Christian and I speak at once.

What did you think, they were going to carve the baby out right there, Twilight style? Wow, I wonder where E.L. got the idea for an emergency c-section. I would pay money to see Chedward decide that he’s better equipped than the doctors to help her, and then gnaw the baby out with his teeth.

Ana has the c-section, and the baby is nearly perfect, down to the Apgar score of nine, and of course it’s a miracle and so beautiful and everything is roses and amazement. Then there’s another section break and:

“I was just remembering Ted’s birth.”

Christian blanches and cups my belly.

“I am not going through that again. Elective caesarian this time.”

“Christian, I–”

“No, Ana. You nearly fucking died last time. No.”

This is really funny because 1) it’s not your body, it’s not your choice, dickfart, and 2) literally nothing in the passage about Ted’s birth makes it sound like Ana’s life is in danger, up to and including the fact that they don’t put her under general or nitrous for anesthesia because they have time to wait for her epidural to kick in, and Dr. Greene specifically says that it’s the baby in distress, and that’s why they have to do the c-section. They also let Christian into the OR. Nothing about any of this suggests Ana’s life is in danger, unless obstetrics has changed drastically since I had my children. But Christian has put his foot down, and at what point has Ana ever had any bodily autonomy, anyway? That shit is vastly overrated.

After a break, Christian is setting up Ted’s birthday present, a solar powered train set. Remember, he’s an environmentalist. The kid’s train set has to run off solar power, but his Audi R8 and SUV driving security detail that follows it can blaze fast down the freeway without a care, burning through fossil fuel like logs on a bonfire.

Tomorrow we will have a family party for Ted. Ray and José will be coming, and all the Greys, including Ted’s new cousin Ava, Kate and Elliot’s two-month-old daughter. I look forward to catching up with Kate and seeing how motherhood is agreeing with her.

Wait, no, that’s not right. Hang on.

I look forward to catching up with Kate and seeing how motherhood is agreeing with her. internally judging Kate’s parenting, which is not up to the gold standard I am meeting, and seeing what a disaster her family is when compared to my perfect life.

Fixed it!

I hope Ana wears Kate’s plum dress to this party, too.

I gaze up at the view as the sun sinks behind the Olympic Peninsula. It’s everything Christian has promised it would be, and I get the same joyful thrill seeing it now as I did the first time. It’s simply stunning: twilight over the Sound. Christian pulls me into his arms.

“It’s quite a view.”

“It is,” Christian answers, and when I turn to look at him, he’s gazing at me. He plants a soft kiss on my lips. “It’s a beautiful view,” he murmurs. “My favorite.”

“It’s home.”

He grins and kisses me again. “I love you, Mrs. Grey.”

“I love you, too, Christian. Always.”

I guess the upside to their undying love is that they’ll never divorce and taint future partners with their dysfunctional brand of “love.”

There. The book is over. I am 50 Shades Freed. I am done.

Thank you, everyone who has endured this hell with me. Thank you so much for the support you’ve given me. When I started writing these recaps, I had no idea that they would become a positive force in my life. I was on welfare, and you donated money, you bought my books– including the books I would never have written, if not for this shitshow– and you raised my family from poverty. You supported me emotionally, too. You gave me the privilege of your own stories of abuse, and invited me into your lives. You became friends. You helped me learn new things, about myself and about the world in general. You made me feel comfortable sharing my sexuality, and you did so without judgement. You have all, in many different ways, made my life infinitely better. And all I can say at this juncture is, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Wait, hang on, there’s a message from E.L. at the end of the book…

That’s all… for now.

Oh, fuck me.

Photo on 2-20-14 at 2.06 PM

 

 

146 Comments

  1. Hannah
    Hannah

    I’m… i’m crying a little bit! Your last paragraph, all the feels. Damn onion-cutting ninjas.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
    • amber
      amber

      if you dont like it then you dont like it? why hate on james for who cares if she wrote it and other people like it? you dont like it then okay you dont like it

      April 17, 2015
      |Reply
      • Emily
        Emily

        Um…. what? Your grammar makes James’ prose look fluid. But Jenny has every right to discuss her opinion of the books, especially since she isn’t just criticizing them because she doesn’t “like” them, but also because of the harmful message they send to readers. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, read the beginning of the post that you just commented on.

        May 11, 2015
        |Reply
      • kb
        kb

        if you dont like it then you dont like it? why hate on jenny for who cares if she wrote it and other people like it? you dont like it then okay you dont like it

        There… what you said but I swapped James for Jenny. Now buzz off of someone’s personal blog.

        June 18, 2015
        |Reply
      • Yvonne
        Yvonne

        So it’s perfectly acceptable to praise E.L. James, but not okay at all to talk on one’s own blog about how much they hate her books? I am sure that you complain about books, movies and other things you hate all the time. We all do it. And it’s our right to express our opinions.

        November 20, 2015
        |Reply
  2. kristy
    kristy

    Thank you for recapping this drivel so I didn’t have to read it. I know it became hard and un-fun for you, but you’re a good enough writer that it was still fun to read them.

    Plus, Sophie and Neil! I will forever be grateful (*gag*) to 50 Shades for bringing them to us.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  3. AD
    AD

    Dude I love your hair!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  4. linda
    linda

    That last paragraph is beautiful.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  5. Flo
    Flo

    Ted……….as in Ted Bundy? (Please tell me I’m not the only one that thought of that!)

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
    • Reenie
      Reenie

      Nope… not the only one 🙂

      February 20, 2014
      |Reply
    • Rhiannon
      Rhiannon

      Ha ha! I didn’t then, but I see what you mean…

      March 21, 2014
      |Reply
    • May
      May

      That’s what I thought, too.

      May 11, 2015
      |Reply
    • Kate
      Kate

      I’m assuming they named him Ted because “Edward” would have been too obvious.

      October 13, 2016
      |Reply
  6. Lieke
    Lieke

    I’m kind of sad that the recaps are done, because I always had so much fun reading them. But I’m happy for your sake, because after a while those fucking books were clearly no longer fun to recap. Anyway, thank you.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  7. Ange
    Ange

    First and last sections: slow clap. Well done Jenny! Thank you for the recaps that introduced the blog that introduced the books, they’ve all just been amazing.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
    • Yvonne
      Yvonne

      Um, a slow clap means you’re being sarcastic. You DO know that, right?

      August 8, 2015
      |Reply
      • Earthed Angel
        Earthed Angel

        Actually, no, a slow clap only indicates a growing enthusiasm for something. Like pretty much anything, it can be USED sarcastically, but it is not inherently so.

        August 31, 2015
        |Reply
  8. Congrats for making it through! I don’t know how you did it, there’s no way I would have been able to.

    Also: Your hair rocks!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  9. Pausing in my read of your recap to say:

    HOLY CRAP YOUR HAIR IS AWESOME. Someday I will do my hair like that, and then my life will be complete.

    *now back to your regularly scheduled comments.*

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  10. Rachel
    Rachel

    No, thank you Jenny. I’ve really enjoyed your recaps, your sense of humor and your blog. I’m thankful that I’ve found it when I did and that I’m a member of Toutnation.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  11. Meghan
    Meghan

    Your recaps went from hilarious to defeated and this one was damn near hostile! I’m so happy that these recaps and those of us in Troutnation have helped so much. Congratulations on your success! I’m just sad that these terrible books have chipped away at you so much. But they’re done! Hooray!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  12. KSmith
    KSmith

    I don’t think I’ve ever commented before, but I just wanted to say thank you for writing these. They not only provided me with amusement, but also ammo against all of the %0 Shades-defenders in my life. Thank you for reading these so I didn’t have to, is basically what I’m saying.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  13. Reenie
    Reenie

    *standing ovation for Jenny*
    You my good woman are a champion and deserve a medal. Several medals. All the medals.
    Not only have you entertained us all with your fantastic humor and super mad writing skillz (don’t know why I went all ‘street’ there, sorry), you’ve enlightened a lot of people about abuse and if anything good has come from you recapping the pile of shit that is 50 Shades, it’s that maybe just maybe, someone out there, who happens upon this site realizes that perhaps they need some help or support, or knows someone who might; that this type of relationship, albeit fictional, is dangerously unhealthy and a gross misrepresentation of what it was intended to be. And if only one person recognizes this unhealthiness in their own lives and does something to fix it, well then, every second of agonizing torture you put yourself through to entertain us was worth it. Thank you for that.
    Also, your hair is awesome!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
    • Wholeduck
      Wholeduck

      This is what I was going to say, really. I’m sad that E.L’s shitfest was successful, but I can’t be sad that you decided to do the recaps. Justice happens in little bits, sometimes. I’m sure that, while we’re all going “EW NO GET AWAY FROM ME CHRISTIAN GREY”, there’s someone new who’s starting to think, “Ew. … No.” Your recaps are hilarious, sharp, and accurate, and I’m glad they exist.

      February 20, 2014
      |Reply
  14. CJ
    CJ

    Well, thank you very much for posting these and I’m glad to hear they weren’t 100% terrible and actually kind of helped you in some ways.

    As for the hype surrounding the movie, not sure how much this will help, but take heart that probably about half the people going to see the movie will be going to make fun of it or otherwise criticize it. Sure, a bunch of people will probably be making fun of it for the wrong reasons, but…at least they’re not supporting it?

    Even those who like the books may not be quite as sold on how great the relationship is as one would assume. I ventured into a couple fan discussions, and a lot of the people seem to think the books were good in the way soap operas are good (amusing but nothing to imitate or strive for). I have a couple friends who I think (or at least hope) like it for similar reasons. Hope for humanity is not entirely lost!

    Of course, there still are some “Christian is the perfect man!” fans out there. …I don’t really have anything to say for that.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
    • Jade
      Jade

      Anyone who pays to see the movie will be supporting, no matter what their intention is. So…
      That said, THANK YOU Jenny for the recraps. Had it not been for those, I would have never discovered your universe, which is a wonderfully sarcastic, down to earth, sexy place.

      February 21, 2014
      |Reply
  15. Laina
    Laina

    I wanna laugh but I also just want to hug you.

    (Also, side-note, awesome new hair.)

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  16. Roslyn
    Roslyn

    Thank you so much for doing these recaps. I have read them fully twice and I am sure I’ll do it again. Not only are they outrageously funny and highly entertaining, they are a rich source of useful information and are a wonderful resource when I want to find something from the books because I can find out without having to open the actual books again.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  17. Amanda
    Amanda

    Thank you for your reviews and your time. Thank you for letting us get to know you.

    PS, OMG, your hair is wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  18. betty
    betty

    Thank you so much. I loved your recaps as much as I would have hated these books.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  19. Irene
    Irene

    Thank you, Jenny, for putting up with these horrible books for so long so the rest of us don’t have to.
    You’re amazing.
    So is your hair.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  20. Schwa
    Schwa

    I don’t often comment (in fact I think I’ve only made a comment here once before) but I just want to say, I found this blog because someone linked to these recaps, but I kept reading because of everything else. I really enjoy the way you’re somehow able to say absolutely hilarious things about important issues while also making important and well-reasoned points about them. And even though I did love this recap series, I can’t say I’m sad that it’s finally over, because these books enrage me, too.

    P.S. I bet “Ted” is short for “Edward Jr.” She didn’t even bother to change it (Jeez!).
    P.P.S. I will also add my voice to the “your hair is awesome” chorus.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
    • Sassy
      Sassy

      Not forgetting ‘Ella’ not being anything like ‘Bella’.

      This and Twilight have ruined meadows for me.

      February 27, 2014
      |Reply
  21. Kelsey
    Kelsey

    I’m sorry for connecting something well written and entertaining to this drivel, but.

    You know that she’s priming for a potential future story in which Ted and Sophie get together, But because I actually like Taylor, all I could do was picture Sophie growing up to fall in love with Neil Elwood. Because fuck the Greys.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  22. I kind of understand the feeling you described at first – it’s the same feeling I feel when I watch the news (or Game of Thrones).

    Anyway, thank you for your recaps! You are brilliant and I love you and no more sentimental stuff cos I’m going to keep following you anyway 🙂

    xx

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  23. Cherry
    Cherry

    Thanks so much for doing these recaps. Their hilarity has gotten me through many a multi-hour final paper writing marathon and your ability to rip these books a new one has given me hope that sane people still exist in the world. “The Boss” also introduced me to reading erotica, which I appreciate very much.

    Also, I will add myself to the chorus of people who think your hair is fucking amazingly awesome.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  24. First, add me to the list of people saying great hair!

    Second, thank you for writing the recaps. I found your blog looking for recaps when you were toward the beginning of the second book and I was hooked. Reading these recaps and your take on the quality of the writing (or lack thereof) has made me a better writer. Also, BDSM is not anything I’m familiar with, and if I’d come to it through the 50 Shades books, I would have been very confused as to why anyone would do such a thing. I read your excerpt from The Bride and, while it’s still not my thing, I totally understand the attraction now. Yay for both parties enjoying their kink!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  25. Thank /you/ for sharing with us. And for being amazing and inspiring and fabulous.

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  26. Nonnie
    Nonnie

    I’ve been following these since you started, and I have to say that I’m very grateful to you for going through all of this! While I’ve never been in danger of being an Ana, this whole experience has really opened my eyes to a lot of things – mostly the dangers my fellow women are in; dangers that I’ve never really understood. It’s helped me think more critically, but also feel more empathy and understand why some woman make the choices they do. I feel that now perhaps I’m a little closer to being able to help someone. So thanks!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  27. Kate
    Kate

    Thank you so much for all of your recaps over the past years. It’s an astounding accomplishment and you deserve a whole heap of praise for raising awareness of the dangerous and depressing flaws of these horrid books. As someone of adventurous sexuality with many friends who found 50 Shades “racy” and were blinkered to the problematic elements, I appreciated all the ammunition you provided in the form of supporting evidence. I’ve also learned so much to improve my writing from your recaps. And then there’s the fact that I never had to read the bloody books… Thanks!

    Also, your hair is amazing. I love how distinct the colour sections are (mine get blendy because I’m a lazy dyer). Cool colours are an awesome look for you. Gorgeous!

    February 20, 2014
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  28. Lovell
    Lovell

    No really, thank you. For struggling through the end. For recapping this horror fest and explaining in a very cogent fashion *why* they’re a horror fest. And thanks for being AWESOME.

    Ooo could you review the Lego Movie? Or would that take too much time?

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  29. Jenny you did the lord’s work writing these recaps. I could tell how tedious they were getting toward the end and I applaud you for hanging in there. You deserve to party now that they’re done. Now I can look forward to your Buffy recaps, b/c unlike 50 Shades, you actually seem to enjoy writing them. Plus ASH.

    I know at least one person who initially loved this series, but changed her mind after reading your reviews. (She now loves Neil Elwood, but who doesn’t). I, personally, am so glad that your reviews brought me to this blog. Like many others, I came for the reviews, but stayed b/c you’re awesome.

    I would raise a glass, but lbr 50 shades makes me want to raise the whole vodka bottle. Cheers. http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/iamtheliquorr/drinking/drinkypoo_zps2a787e15.gif

    February 20, 2014
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  30. Emily
    Emily

    I know I have possibly insane issues around the word “always” because of Snape and that he doesn’t actually own the word, but no. Please, PLEASE tell me that this book did not end on that word. Please.

    PS. LOVE the hair!

    February 20, 2014
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  31. Kimberly
    Kimberly

    Hey Jenny. I don’t often comment, but I felt the need this time. I have loved your recaps since I discovered them, even if they often make me sad about the state of the world. You’ve collected a fan from this, and I’ve read all your sexy baseball player stories as well as The Boss and The Girlfriend, and looking forward to the rest. Anytime someone talks about 50 Shades I immediately recommend you as an alternative that is actually good. Basically I just want to say thank you, and just because you’re not recapping these anymore doesn’t mean I won’t be regularly reading your blog still. You rock, lady.

    February 20, 2014
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  32. Jennifer
    Jennifer

    Love you, Jenny… For everything you’ve given us and all the great still to come!

    February 20, 2014
    |Reply
  33. It’s so wonderful to discover I’m not the only person who thinks FSofG is a bit crap. And I, too, love your hair. 🙂

    Cheers

    MTM

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  34. Jemmy
    Jemmy

    Thank you for all the time and effort you put into these recaps, it was pretty clear how unfun it became after a while.

    your blog is fantastic, I love the books you’ve written that I’ve read so far and I plan to get more. I’m glad there were some positives for you out of doing the recaps and I hope things continue to be good for you.

    Also, your hair is divine 🙂

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  35. ErrantEndeavour
    ErrantEndeavour

    Thank you.

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  36. Leigh
    Leigh

    I initially discovered your blog because of a link someone else’s blog had to these recaps. I found your recaps awesome and the rest of your blog even better. I think you are fabulous and I am looking forward to reading more of your writing.

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  37. Claire
    Claire

    Jenny, I found you through the 50 shades recaps, I stayed for the insanely good writing. You rock!

    Plus – ‘I hope Ana wears Kate’s plum dress to this party, too.’ – Brilliant. I’m gonna miss that dress.

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  38. I am SO happy for you that these shitty books are finally behind you! And I’m so grateful that you recapped them so we wouldn’t have to read them!
    On to funner recaps! Ha!

    Also, obviously, AWESOME hair!! Whoohooo!

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  39. Carol
    Carol

    Love your hair!

    And, like everyone else: found your blog because of recaps (linked to from a Girls With Slingshots comment thread, or from another thing that was mentioned in the comment thread so, so long ago) and have stuck around for your actual writing.

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  40. Absolutely hysterical! I’m sad that we won’t get any more of these funnies from you – here’s to more funnies about other funny things!

    And thank you for the Tennant love this morning. Smiling at my desk 🙂

    February 21, 2014
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  41. Irene
    Irene

    At first, when you said that this was gonna be the last recap even though there was more in the book, I was like “Aw, Jenny, come on, we want ALL THE SNARK!”, but then you said you weren’t enjoying doing this anymore and that you think THERE’S NO HOPE FOR HUMANITY and I was like “Ok, I’m sorry I’ve been so greedy, I’ll stop now”.

    There IS hope. WE ARE HOPE. NO WAIT YOU ARE. BUT SO ARE WE. THANKS TO YOU.

    Your work on 50 Shades of Depressing, Abusive and Possibly Murder-y Scenario is spot-on and very important. You said all the right things. You highlighted both bad writing and abusive behavior of the characters. I learnt a lot about abuse that I didn’t know before. I’m really sorry you feel defeated, but please know that you’re a great person & writer and that I really enjoy your blog.

    WE LOVE YOU AND YOUR HAIR JEN!!!

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  42. Lynn M
    Lynn M

    Jenny, you can take solace in a couple of things:

    1 – by writing these recaps and adding your commentary, you’ve “saved” at least one person – me – from the misery of reading the books. Your reviews have confirmed that I want nothing at all to do with this horror-show, and I no longer wonder what I might be missing out on given all of the hype. So thank you for that.

    2 – as far as justice for EL James, I suppose we just have to console ourselves with the belief that she will eventually die and spend all eternity burning in a special place in Hell for all of the abuse she’s inflicted on humanity.

    3 – I solemnly swear that I will not spend one single penny on anything to do with the 50 Shades movie so as to put as quick of an end to this freak show as humanly possible. We should start a petition for those who vow to shut this thing down by ignoring it completely.

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  43. Leaping Ocelots
    Leaping Ocelots

    No, Jenny, thank you for writing these recaps. I’m one of the people who found your blog and, thus, your books because of these recaps, and I’m so glad that I did, because you are awesome!

    And your hair is so beautiful! Did you dye it yourself, and if so, where did you get the hair dye?

    February 21, 2014
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  44. Mary
    Mary

    The line about the unborn baby liking sex already made me shudder in repulsion. I’m all for having sex while pregnant so it’s not that. It’s just the creepy idea that somehow their unborn daughter got off with them. No, just no.

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  45. Just wanted to say thank you for recapping these monstrosities and reading them so the rest of us didn’t have to. Honestly, you rock so hard for all kinds of reasons. And I hope you find something to read which erases the horror of them a little bit for you!
    Oh yea, and if it weren’t for the recaps (which someone linked me to) I wouldn’t have found your awesome blog and all the great community surrounding it. 🙂

    February 21, 2014
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  46. KellyO
    KellyO

    Thank you so much for enduring this awful series. I love your recaps and I’m sorry they became painful in the end. I want to give you all the hugs!

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  47. Julie
    Julie

    Jenny,
    I will admit my sadness that you not be recapping the idiocy of the next two segments. But I do understand why you cannot take it anymore. When I first read these books I didn’t really think of them as great literature but they didn’t particularly bother me except for minor details. Like all the off screen scenes that never happen and we wouldn’t know about if ana didn’t slip in a comment. Or the size of his apartment. And those little things started to bother me. So I went online and found your spork and was so happy that people knew the truth about these books. But you took it a step or ten steps farther and pointed out the abuse and the ugly truth that these books glorify.
    So thank you for the laughter and the burning rage these books would bring out of me. I hope that while the world is lost, you can find some sense of recovery now that this kriffing pile of sithspit is over.

    February 21, 2014
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  48. CJ
    CJ

    Already commented, but now I started thinking about this one issue and…I feel like a lot of fans say things happened in here that didn’t? And not just Christian changing. I mean, I was on this forum where some people were talking about age limits on the book, and I kept hearing people say that it included Christian whipping Ana, and I don’t remember where that was, unless they mean the scene with the belt at the end of book 1? I mean, I’m glad it didn’t happen considering Ana’s feelings about all this (it was bad enough already), but what are they even referencing? Did everyone just skim it, see floggers, and assume the rest?

    Oh, and I forgot to add into the “Your hair is wonderful” choir.

    February 21, 2014
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  49. I haven’t read past the intro yet, but I had my moment of defeat when I finally looked at the books’ ratings on Goodreads. I believe one of them is as low as 3.5, but one of the three is 3.9-something. It rates higher than The Scarlet Letter or Les Miserables.

    And that was the moment I realized the world has gone insane and will never be right again.

    February 21, 2014
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  50. ceedee
    ceedee

    Oh thanks for the memories. The best is yet to come apparently.
    I think we will be revisiting this topic on February 14th 2015. BLAHHHH
    http://perezhilton.com/cocoperez/2014-02-06-50-shades-of-grey-dakota-johnson-elle-march-2014-cover-spread#sthash.oTqZO3Mc.dpbs

    Says Dakota Johnson in an interview about her role in the movie:
    “Reading the book, I found myself more interested in the ways they were breaking each other down emotionally than the sex scenes,” said Johnson in the Elle interview. “I think there’s a part of a woman that wants to be the thing that breaks a man down.”

    She also points out that the strong attraction between Anastasia and Christian turns the story into a kind of adventure. “It allows both of them to do something that they are completely afraid of.”

    Gag!!!

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  51. Amber
    Amber

    Plus one to the comments about your hair. So much love. <3

    Also… I guess it's dumb, but I teared up a little. Just, don't get the wrong idea. All this had nothing to do with fuckin' 50 Shades. All this was totally because YOU are awesome. Maybe it started with some shitty books, but it continued because of your awesome wit and humour and a not-shitty TV series (cuz you better bet i'm still hanging out for Buffy recaps) and all your awesome books that I bought when I could even though I know it's not quite as good as donating but i'm poor. Everything good that has happened has all been because you deserved it, because you earned it.

    So there. Now tell us how you did your hair! I'm going to dress up for our geek-fest, the Comic Expo, and I was just going to dye my hair bright red like I usually do, but if you have tips I wanna hear them. I'm so incompetent with hair I can barely manage a pony tail. And somehow dying my hair red always turns it random colors. D:

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  52. Tracey
    Tracey

    You have an great sense of humor and you tell it like it is. I respect you, like you and will continue to support you. All the best!!!

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  53. M
    M

    Thanks for the recaps. I came over way back around chapter eight of the first book when my friend shared a link, and I enjoyed the initial satisfaction that the books were, indeed, as poorly written as I suspected based on the people who recommended them to me. Then I appreciated the social commentary even though at some points I feel like I must have been as angry reading your posts as you were writing them. As much as I looked forward to every post, I’m glad this has reached its end and you can focus more on writing of your own.

    I hope you manage to come out my way on your book tours. 🙂

    February 21, 2014
    |Reply
  54. JordieBelle
    JordieBelle

    Just wanted to say Thankyou so much for these recaps – I came to your site after trying to find a Cleolinda-style treatment of the 50 Shades books do I could know what they were about without having to read them, and I’ve read along as you’ve grown outraged and then sickened by the hollow grotesqueries of these books (and been outraged and sickened along with you). I’ve stayed reading your site for the feminism, the wit, the depth of thought and the Buffy recaps; I’ve bought three Abigail Barnette books, and learned just how sexy consent can be. 🙂 Thanks for making such a friendly, happy, interesting space on the web and may your keyboard continue to grace our screens for many years to come.

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
  55. Annie
    Annie

    Thank you for opening eyes – mine among them. And everything that has been said in the comments before me, much better than I could say it because English is not my native language. I still do not give up hope, and I have shared this page with my FB friends, because I think that your summary at the beginning is just perfect. Keep on writing!

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
  56. Scarlett Finch
    Scarlett Finch

    Thanks so much, Jenny. Your recaps of these were the best. I completely understand not wanting to recap the final parts of this idiot fiesta. As someone who read and livetweeted them and got so angry that I had to take a year off, those last parts were the biggest, most unnecessary “fuck you” EL could have managed after all the fucking horseshit that was this awful, awful series. It makes me furious that she’s sitting happy with a fuckload of money and it’s all from glorifying abuse and shaming BDSM. She can sit and spin for an eternity, and then just a bit longer than that.

    Also, your hair looks hella cute.

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
  57. ” “But… I like you barefoot and pregnant in my kitchen.””

    This … this line is supposed to be a JOKE about the bad old days. It’s not an ASPIRATION.

    Now I know I’ve only lived in Seattle a year, but I’ve yet to see a day where you can watch the sun set over the sound AND make out the entire Olympic Peninsula. Bainbridge Island is mostly in the way, but I guess there’s a wedge of the OP you can see? When it’s clear. Which it’s generally not.

    Sorry, had to get that one last rant out. Now it’s not quite 9:30am, but I think I’ll go drink some vodka for Jenny.

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
  58. Mikayla
    Mikayla

    Thank you for sticking with these recaps Jenny! Absolutely love this post. You sum up in the first four paragraphs exactly my biggest problem with this dross. A problem that depressingly few people see or even seem to grasp when you try and point it out. Aside from being poorly written and generally boring, these books paints a genuinely dangerous situation dressed up as an aspirational romance. The fact that this is one of the most popular books of all time makes me want to cry.

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
  59. Nemora
    Nemora

    Thank *you*, Jenny. Thank you for slogging through this, for writing these hilarious recaps and not pulling your punches- your recaps were my favorites.

    Thank you for being an awesome writer and putting your stuff out there. I adore The Boss and I plan to buy the rest of the series when I can. I’d never read erotic fiction before, because so much of it was trash, but yours was just great.

    You deserve all the success.

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
  60. Xebi
    Xebi

    Jenny, you won’t remember me because although I’ve read every word of every recap (plus all the comments because these guys rock) I’ve only commented a handful of times. But now I have two things I have to say to you.

    1) I’m on the hair list

    2) I don’t know how to say this without sounding creepy, but here goes. I want to tell you that reading your blogs, and in particularly all the 50SoG stuff, has actually made me a better person. There are all these shitty issues in the world and I knew they existed but before reading these, I hadn’t much thought about them and hadn’t lifted a finger to contribute to anything working against them or even bothered considering how I might do so (even so much as talking about it). There was a time when I was even a bit of a misogynist myself (I am a woman, by the way) and I’m kind of half ashamed of that and half “at least I’ve become aware of that, decided to do something about it and changed myself for the better.” I don’t blame myself, I blame the world I grew up in. Now, I basically call myself a feminist, and a lot of the reasons behind that came from you. Also, you are fucking hilarious.

    Thank you. That is all.

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
  61. Lisa
    Lisa

    My husband works in the construction industry and came home last night with disturbing tales of how these books are being interpretted by the working class men of Australia. Men are taking these as instruction manuals…. men are supposed to be dominant and women all secretly want to be submissive to their men. Just whack them around a little and they will fucking love it! If they say no… just be manly and take control and show them how much more they prfer being submissive.
    *shudder*
    I always found your recaps amusing and never believed too much that people were so stupid as to be brainwashed by a poorly written novel (or three), but I find myself in the same depressed state you seem to have arrived at. People really are that fucking stupid.

    February 22, 2014
    |Reply
    • jellybex
      jellybex

      I don’t want to seem argumentative but this struck me as a really strange generalisation. I live in Australia and don’t know any men (in or out of the construction industry) who see this as a manual or take any relationship guidance from it. Could your husband possibly be winding you up?

      Just felt like I should speak out for my Aussie construction friends!

      BTW I also don’t have a pet kangaroo and I never cook prawns on the BBQ…

      June 20, 2014
      |Reply
      • Lieke
        Lieke

        You’re clearly not a real Australian; they don’t say BBQ, they say barbie.
        (I kid)

        July 2, 2014
        |Reply
  62. Nellie
    Nellie

    Thank you, Jen!
    You are simply awesome.
    After reading this recap, I pictured you doing this dance:
    http://youtu.be/SBCw4_XgouA
    😉
    Beautiful hair!

    February 23, 2014
    |Reply
  63. LeximusPrime
    LeximusPrime

    Hey Jenny, I’ve never commented before but just wanted to say a massive thank you for your recaps, and just your awesome blog in general! Looking forward to seeing what you get up to next 🙂
    Lex

    February 23, 2014
    |Reply
  64. Carolina
    Carolina

    Thank you Jenny for the recaps, this is my first time posting but I have been reading you since recap 1 so this is kinda bittersweet for me, I’ll miss being angry at these books with you all…but the bright side is that I now know your writing and love it.
    🙂

    February 23, 2014
    |Reply
  65. Iara
    Iara

    Thanks a lots and congratulations for finishing these recaps! I don’t remember how I found your blog, but I’m glad I did. Keep up the good work!

    February 24, 2014
    |Reply
  66. marzipanpieplate
    marzipanpieplate

    I’m late to the party, but had to say thank you. It was your recaps of this godawful book that introduced me to your wit, humor, and compassion. I’m glad to have found this great blog and all around lovely community. You deserve all the good fortune coming your way, you lovely lady, you!

    February 24, 2014
    |Reply
  67. LS
    LS

    Never posted before, but have been reading the recaps since somewhere into the first book and want to say thank you! What an amazing effort. As someone who at one time read through them quickly wondering what the fuss was about and where the good writing/interesting plot was – but did not read them very critically overall – your recaps were hugely enlightening. Thanks!

    February 24, 2014
    |Reply
    • LS
      LS

      The “them” I read through quickly were the fifty shades books – not your recaps!

      February 24, 2014
      |Reply
  68. Christine
    Christine

    Jenny, thank you for being you!

    February 24, 2014
    |Reply
  69. Jon
    Jon

    Also want to join the general consensus of admiring the hair and expressing thanks for sparing us from having to read the books. I have found your read through (and the read through being conducted by pervocracy) most informative. I have learnt things – some I wish didn’t have to be learnt still ‘I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being’ (from Heathers).

    Maybe this is my own brand of hope but are their any groups out there seeking to tern the 50SoG publicity back on itself and use it as the chance to stage educational demonstrations around the issues especially with the film on its way?

    All the best – looking forward to more BTVS analysis!

    February 24, 2014
    |Reply
  70. I hope you’re going to comment on the film too. Sure it’ll be a disastrous piece of crap but something good will come out of that too: hilariously mocking reviews:-) Can’t wait for that. And for another Buffy recap:-)

    February 25, 2014
    |Reply
  71. panny
    panny

    Just debunking to say thanks for the laughs, insights and your generally awesome self. Found you when a couple of chapters into that steaming pile I googled ”ana steele bad friend” and the rest is history….came for the snark, stayed for the Trout. Hope you continue to find success, at least some good has come of the blight eb james hath wrought. XO

    February 25, 2014
    |Reply
  72. Sushi
    Sushi

    I read these recaps with my best friend, because we cannot stand to do it alone. And we got to the bit where Ana was remembering Ted’s birth and I commented aloud “I’m surprised it was an emergency c-section, I would’ve expected Christian to push for an elective so he could micromanage it down to the last detail. But I guess that wouldn’t be enough of a rip-off of Twilight”.

    And then we scrolled down, read the next bit and had to stop for five minutes while I did a silent dance of rage around the room.

    February 25, 2014
    |Reply
  73. Beth
    Beth

    Thank YOU for slogging through the crapfest that is 50 shades.

    Personally, I’m thankful you did this because I found YOU and I wouldn’t have otherwise. I found your awesome books (both The Boss series and your awesome vampire novels), your badass Buffy rewatch, and your absolutely hilarious stories.

    Thank you, Jenny 🙂

    February 26, 2014
    |Reply
  74. Sassy
    Sassy

    Thank you, Jenny.

    I’ve been following these recaps since the first book and your snark made me laugh so hard, as well as teaching me important things about writing quality, BDSM and abuse. I’m so sorry that you got so disheartened by the end but you really have made a difference in the world if even 1 less person buys these shitpiles 🙂

    February 27, 2014
    |Reply
  75. Annie
    Annie

    I know I’m here late, but I had to comment as well.
    Thank you so, so much Jen for these recaps and for wading through this crap t so that so many of us didn’t have to. In my case, before finding these recaps I was pretty close to buying the books to see what all the hullabaloo was about. I honestly think that if I had read the actual books it wouldn’t have been long before I had a panic attack from the behavior, sometimes right down to the dialogue and Ana’s thoughts, reminding me of the abusive situation I had been in when I was younger. Your recaps helped me get through those parts without panic or anxiety and actually made me feel better that I wasn’t the only one seeing how these books portrayed an abusive relationship.

    It pisses me off that women all over are essentially longing for the relationship I tried so desperately to get away from for way too long. They want what I count my lucky stars I escaped mostly in tact. They want their non-abusive husbands and boyfriends to become something that caused me indescribable fear and pain, and what took- and a decade later is still taking- way too much of my life, my sanity and my happiness. It’s a sickening, helpless feeling to know that.
    But all that said, Jen, you gave that frustration, anger, and fear a voice. One I could never articulate myself. Thank you so much, because that is truly a huge gift that I’ll never be able to repay. I owe you so much, wonderful woman.

    March 8, 2014
    |Reply
  76. KG
    KG

    These were a great read. Some days I almost lol’d, so loud I almost woke my sleeping toddler. I will miss waiting in anticippppation for more recaps. You got ‘er done, Jen. You got ‘er done.

    March 8, 2014
    |Reply
  77. Rhiannon
    Rhiannon

    I have to say, I was glad to read in your final paragraph that the whole experience was NOT just negative for you. That you got something positive out of doing those recaps.
    And, yeah, I agree, I hate the thought of it but that darn film probably will be a huge hit, even if half the weirdo fans are moaning that Dakota Johnson is wrong for the part. It’s just…sad. I guess there was a lot of ‘Well at least it’s getting people reading who normally don’t’ being said about those books, but really, if that’s what they’re going to read, they’re better off sticking to watching TV. Anyway thanks for doing all those recaps, I have shared them with a few people as well.

    March 21, 2014
    |Reply
  78. Jenny, your hair is so completely awesome!

    I’m so glad we’ve been able to help. I’m glad one of my fans told me about your recaps and urged me to read your work. I’m glad I was able to spread the gospel further, as it were.

    I look forward to your next book.

    March 24, 2014
    |Reply
  79. Laaate to the party here. Just wanted to say:

    – Found you through 50 Shades recaps, have read all of them, and went on to reading everything else on your blog … You’re a very funny woman, and your posts have often been a high point on bleak depression days. (I’m bipolar.)

    – Your hair is amazing!! Like everyone else, I’d love to know how you did it 🙂

    Thank you!

    April 29, 2014
    |Reply
  80. AshB
    AshB

    Thanks so much for these recaps! I’ve been reading them since the first book, and as you transitioned websites. I’m sad to see them go in some ways, because I loved your commentary, but happy that we can now finally put the Fifty Shades trash to rest. Thank you so much for writing these recaps, because out of all the criticisms of the books that I’ve seen (and there aren’t enough), yours was not only the best, but the longest and hardest to refute. Hooray for you and feminism. You’ve made me very happy, thanks Jen.

    May 21, 2014
    |Reply
  81. Sheila
    Sheila

    I just have to say thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve read all your recaps in one weekend. I read book one, tried to start two because friends were like “it gets so much better” but I threw the book across the room before getting through the first chapter. Everyone I know LOVES them! I couldn’t believe it. Still can’t. Thank you for taking your precious time and energy to do this. They were awesome. And I’m buying all of your books!

    July 29, 2014
    |Reply
  82. K B
    K B

    The ending of this post was pure perfection; you summed up my exact sentiment for this whole series in three words. I had no idea these books were so awful until I read your recaps, which were absolutely hilarious by the way.

    I’m glad that delving through this pile of shit positively impacted your life and I hope it continues to do so because you really put in some serious effort.

    One last thought: Though I wish Ana would go fuck herself, Christian wouldn’t allow it because he’d get too jealous and probably kill himself. Hmm, maybe she should then.

    Thanks for the laughs,

    A New Fan

    August 19, 2014
    |Reply
  83. lemon
    lemon

    Firstly, thank you for doing the recaps! I wanted to read the books and make my own assessment, but I couldn’t get past chapter 12 in FSOG. I was still curious as to why everyone loved it and was recommending it though, so again thank you for helping with that.
    I do wish the series had been unintentionally hilarious, but instead I get a sick feeling every time I think about it. When you consider how blatantly plagiarized it is, even in the early chapters I read, how well it sold and how many people love this piece of crap…I’m just really sad about it. I hope the movie flops. /unrealistic hope
    Anyway! Despite that, I did really enjoy your recaps. You deserve a medal for getting through it and I appreciate it!

    August 21, 2014
    |Reply
  84. Hane
    Hane

    True confession: Out of a strange compulsion, I actually bought this metric $#!+-ton of Crap and started reading it. Then I found I was hate-reading it. First up, I was, “WTF is all this Subconscious vs. Inner Goddess shizz?” Then it was, “Why is a gal as grumpy as Ana falling for all of this?” Then it was, “Gee, this guy is a pain in the @$$.” Then I was all, “Hey–I’m kind of a vanilla-ish chick, but I’m pretty sure this broad is doing D/s RONG.”

    I almost tried doing a Search to see how many times E.L. recycled the eye-rolling, lip-biting, plum dress, Subconscious, Inner Goddess, pants-hanging-from-hips, and other tropes, but I lost interest. Then I came to a moment of truth and deleted the whole mess from my Kindle. I feel sick to my stomach that I have contributed to E.L.’s wealth.

    Huzzah to you for doing the yeowoman’s work of putting into logical (and hysterical!) words just WHY these books are a monumental raft o’ crap.

    Many thanks for taking the “college grad meets hot, kinky millionaire” thing and crafting it into a story that actually made hot-romance-novel sense.

    Thanks for showing me the rainbow-hair gorgeousness that I will be adopting the SECOND I retire in four years and three months (but who’s counting?)

    And major bonus points for making Neil not only British, but brought up in Iceland. When the Islandsk bit came up, I practically orgd.

    August 31, 2014
    |Reply
  85. Ghost of Gene Rayburn
    Ghost of Gene Rayburn

    I know I’m several months late to the party, but thank you so much for recapping these “books” for all of us. And I’m so glad that what started out as a snarky hobby has had such a positive effect on your career and visibility! Best of luck to you now and in the future.

    One thought:

    You know how there are these nitwits who want so badly for Christian Grey to be real so he will come and sweep them off of their feet? I want just as badly for him to be real so I can punch him in the dick. To borrow your catchphrase: this guy. This fucking guy.

    September 1, 2014
    |Reply
  86. Nina
    Nina

    Love the hair and I think that the “nearly died” was left out from fanfic because we all know Bella nearly died when she was giving birth to her daughter. Therefore it had to happen to Ana too. Although Bella’s difficulties were due to her child not being human and her human body not coping with that. But hay, James already missed out on many other and more obvious points so whatever. Anyhow thank you for recapping this and sorry for being late to the party 🙂

    September 20, 2014
    |Reply
  87. M
    M

    I haven’t been on this on this blog for ages, and I just realised that this recap was posted pretty much on the day I decided to once and for all break up with my abusive boyfriend. I read most of the recaps during our relationship, but somehow, even though I recognised so much in it, it took me a long time to realise that I actually was in an abusive relationship. In the end, all the little (in hindsight not-so-little) things amounted to me thinking: “If this is going to be my future, then no thank you”, and we broke up.

    Thanks so much for writing these recaps and for understanding. I can write a book about all the great things you have said, but since I feel you’ve said everything about it that needs to be said, I won’t. I wish my ex had found an Ana who he married and never divorced before he met me… But accepting that that wasn’t the case I’m just incredibly happy that I got I out of the relationship, at least physically unharmed. The emotional pain is worse than I could even have imagined at the time when we broke up, I think at the time I was in some sort of denial, and only later did the full realisation of “I was in an abusive relationship” really hit me. I’m happy to know that some people understand very well that you don’ t need to constantly look like a battered and bruised woman to be in an abuse relationship, I wished I had known this, and that abusers can seem very nice and charming, also very apologetic for their behaviour, at least as long as it takes for you to like them again after being abused. I hope that one day society will understand, and be more protective and understanding of women like me, and that other women will be spared my experience.

    One other thing though: Why did Christian say “I am not going through that again.” At first I thought this was Ana’s comment. I mean, isn’t she the one that went through 15 hours of labour?? What the heck has he been going through? Again, happy I left the prick (who I just remembered did at some point make a demeaning comment about women complaining about pain during childbirth) and will never have to hear something like that if I ever have kids.

    Again, thanks for your recaps and I’ll keep following your blog!

    October 6, 2014
    |Reply
  88. =8)-DX
    =8)-DX

    Thanks for the recaps Jenny! It was actually enjoyable, saddening and frustrating, as well as educational. Making this recap series several times more valuable than the actual books. Also thanks for sharing so much about yourself, as well as dispelling the horrible ideas of shame about sex that 50 shades promote.

    Oh and the “glum Rainbow Dash” selfie was amazing.

    Laters, B-… shit no, never! (Whenever I think of that phrase I imagine Chedward turning slowly to leave, a self-congratulatory look of smugness pasted to his face, rubbing in the fact that he always gets his way… brrr.)

    October 14, 2014
    |Reply
  89. darthbunni
    darthbunni

    Thank you for the recaps, Jenny! 🙂
    I honestly don’t know how you did it. By the end of the second book, it was difficult for me to read the recaps, much less the actual books. Thank you for doing womenkind and humanity such a huge favor. I’ve been recommending your recaps to my girlfriends.
    Loved that final photo. Absolutely classic! And the hair! 😀

    October 15, 2014
    |Reply
  90. Rin
    Rin

    I am literally gagging. That was the grossest thing I’ve ever read.

    October 19, 2014
    |Reply
  91. Stephanie
    Stephanie

    Hey Jenny!

    I want to thank you for your scathing and hilarious recaps of this series. I just finished reading your whole “Jenny reads 50 shades” entries (took me a week, mostly while I was at work but shhh don’t tell anyone!) and am so glad you were able to articulate what the underlying problems about these books were. I myself had read the series before I read your blog, and I found myself asking “Why are these books so popular? The writing is atrocious, the British-isms passing as American-isms are painful to read. I hate the main characters. And why does the whole thing read as incredibly pervy, abusive, and controlling, considering it is a ‘Romance’ series?” By the third book I was also suffering from hate-rage blackouts and even started writing down all the problems, inconsistencies, patterns of abuse, weaknesses of the characters, incorrect American slang etc. but there were literally too many issues to recount.

    I feel so much better after reading your line-by-line decimation of this series. I actually felt lighter, happier, and more at peace with the world knowing there were other people who despised these books as much as I did. Your descriptions and deconstruction of the most aggravating passages were so brilliant and funny! I just want you to know that I think you are a great writer (6000 times better than E.L James) and that you really and truly helped me to calm my rage. I’m pretty sure the reason I found your blog was because I typed in “Fucking Fifty Shades of Grey fucking dumbass stupid horrible characters Ana is stupid and I hate Christian” into Google.

    I also think it’s really funny how you start out nice and calm in your first recaps at the start of the series, and by then end every other word is a swear and you seem to be having a mental apocalypse about the atrocity of the plot. I sympathize, my friend.

    Stephanie

    October 21, 2014
    |Reply
  92. jesse
    jesse

    After your above comments, I have to wonder if you have any experience with ppl with abusive childhoods…. because I do. The self loathing is very real and the only thing that can cure it is unconditional love. I think James did her psychology research well in this (I am a psychology major) because Flynn’s description of sexual sadism is very accurate. And that is what cristian was. Point a, he NEVER laid a hand on Ana during an argument, and everytime he did touch her it was consensual and she had a safe word in places and he made sure she knew that, so it was not abuse. Christian even made that point that he could not trust her with those games anymore because she did safe word when he used the belt. Point b, he was deathly afraid of actually hurting her as he proved after she left and he would take her in the playroom for a long time and even when he did he did want to get rough. Point c, as the story progresses it show Ana learning that helping him is not about giving in but standing up to him, not just for herself but for him. She DOES learn to safe word, she DOES learn to COMMUNICATE with him. What happened at the end of the first book, was just as much Ana’s as fault as is was his and once they each realized that they both altered their behavior. Very healthy reaction. Just FYI my father was not only beaten but sexually abused as well and grew up with a lot of the same trait (you don’t want to know what kinda kinky stuff my brother and I discovered under the bed) including the temper, but he never ONCE laided an aggressive hand on me my brother or my mother. You think that this will make girl think abuse is normal or ok. Ana didn’t deal with abuse! She told christian when he was crossing a line and did not take any of his shit. You have James’ message backwards.

    October 28, 2014
    |Reply
    • jesse
      jesse

      Sorry few typos ” he would NOT take her in the playroom for a long time and even when he did he did NOT want to get rough”

      October 28, 2014
      |Reply
      • Stephanie
        Stephanie

        I am truly sorry your father was abused as a child, but I have to wonder: have you actually read the rest of Jenny’s posts about this? A common theme throughout all of these racaps is that while Ana and Christian’s relationship does not necessarily constitute physical abuse, the unintentional and incredibly realistic portrayal of an abusive and controlling relationship through other means is evident. Over and over again we see Christian emotionally and sexually manipulate Ana, violate her right to privacy by accessing her personal and financial information, alienate her from her friends and family, and exercise control over her career. And he does ALL OF THIS within a month of knowing her. The times that Ana “stands up” to Christian are never followed through with successfully, i.e. she apologizes immediately for making him worry, or gives into his demands if he kicks up enough of a fuss, like the whole “change your last name to Grey so everyone will know you belong to me” saga. And Ana just takes it because she is an absolute doormat, and somehow thinks that if she surrenders enough control to him, he will be healed through the power of love. Christian gets his way on everything, but somehow that’s okay because he was abused as a child? He uses it as an excuse for controlling her – not that I am in any way minimizing how damaging being abused as a child is. I’m just saying, he uses it to make Ana feel guilty for “defying” him. He should be working through these issues with a therapist (I know he sees Dr. Flynn, but Christian admittedly does not disclose relevant information to the doctor, so therapy wouldn’t be very effective), not by controlling someone else. Ana’s responses to Christian’s behavior are not typical of strong, independent, self-actualized women – I think most women would be absolutely furious and freaked out that the guy they have been seeing for all of a week suddenly has access to her banking information, tracks her cell phone to find out where she is, and insists she be accompanied by security wherever she goes.

        I agree that Christian is afraid he will physically hurt Ana in the playroom, but that doesn’t stop him from being abusive in other ways. Just because he didn’t lay hands on her in anger doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse. Not to mention on numerous occasions he does threaten to rape her (“You’d scream? No one would hear you”) and Ana admits that he scares her when he gets angry. How is this not abusive?

        October 28, 2014
        |Reply
    • The funniest thing about your comment is that you think James had a message at all.

      October 28, 2014
      |Reply
  93. Mets
    Mets

    Wonderful as always, Jen!

    You should get danger pay for reading them…like literary lemon juice on a cut this was!

    Love love LOVE the hair! 😉

    November 16, 2014
    |Reply
  94. Anna
    Anna

    I have already put it to the old blog, but then I found out it’s abandoned, so here it is again!
    “I don’t have very much to add here, anything that would make you think about how this book is horrible in any other way, because I think you have described them all. I just need to say that I wasn’t planning to read the second and third book before I found your recaps (it was the time when I was browsing the internet desperately for reviews that rip this book completely [I hope I am using richt words, I am not an English speaker] apart). (Before, I also thought that it wasn’t poorly written, that our translation was bad… It isn’t. I guess the translator did his best.) I decided to read the other books just because without them, I wouldn’t enjoy these recaps anymore (well, now I am not sure if I told someone such a big compliment on his writing before). Thank you, thank you so much for these! Your recaps are totally awesome.”

    December 4, 2014
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  95. Mii
    Mii

    Hey I just got here by mere chance and I want to say I love your writing it was so hilarious. I feel exactly the same abut FSOG
    A new blog added to my favourites 🙂

    Cheers

    December 29, 2014
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  96. Kat
    Kat

    I found your recaps and blog via Jezebel.com one week ago. I’ve now downloaded The Boss and am thoroughly enjoying it. (Is it okay if Neil is Anthony Head in my head canon? Cause he totally is.)
    I can’t wait to catch up to present day to see how things are now, but until then, I’ll be reading Big Damn Buffy reviews and lurking in the background.
    As everyone else has said, thank you so much for elucidating what is so wrong with these books. I’m really looking forward to seeing how the movie is going to be able to spin all this in a positive light.
    Then again, they did do Twilight and everyone still loved that. I really do share your fears Jenny. Take care of yourself and keep on doin what you do!

    January 29, 2015
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  97. Lynn
    Lynn

    Thank you so much for these recaps! I had the displeasure of reading the whole series too, but I gained some insight that I didn’t notice when I initially read the books. I also learned quite a bit from you too. I enjoyed reading these recaps, even if it was hard for you to do them. You also got me hooked on reading other people’s recaps of the series just to gain their insight.

    February 8, 2015
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  98. Hek
    Hek

    Oh dear god. Sexualising a FETUS? That takes effort. That really really does.

    I cracked up so much at your spoof of ‘starts to really move’., and in general of the way you’ve kept the recaps entertaining even as they began to strain at all of our sanities.

    This recap series is amazing and so are you, thank you.

    February 14, 2015
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    • cheesebk
      cheesebk

      Thank you for the recaps, for all the time You invested. These Books are horrible

      February 17, 2015
      |Reply
  99. Mari
    Mari

    Greetings from Brazil!!
    I wasn’t able to breath while reading your recaps! The funniest thing I have ever read.
    I don’t know a lot about you, but I already love you.

    February 19, 2015
    |Reply
  100. zelliott
    zelliott

    I started reading your recaps when the first book was gaining popularity, then i forgot abut it and justcame back to finish it all a few weeks ago when i heard this shitshow was actually a trilogy! Thanks for taking the bullet for us here, i would never have been able to read these myself but your humor and good writing made it possible to swallow this terrible story. Ive never been much of a blog reader but i will be coming back and reading your other articles. Im glad this is a year behind you now. Respect to you, my friend

    February 26, 2015
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  101. juliana
    juliana

    Thank YOU Jenny. I am a student and I am doing research on doméstico violence, and I am reading tour recaps as study material. These books are like a “how does an abusive relationship looks like” guide, and your comments just made it so much clearer. Also, your hilarious sense of humor made it very fun to read (so see, you are VERY good!) Thank you so much for doing this! I am very happy for all the good things that happebed to you, and I hope they keep coming.
    I startef reading your blog for the recaps, but I’ll mostra def follow it.
    Thank you once more!

    March 9, 2015
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  102. Napalmnacey
    Napalmnacey

    I read your recaps over a couple of weeks as I have been pregnant, bored and stuck in bed due to excessive exhaustion. I felt like I was hanging out with a snarky friend. The recaps were not only cathartic, but educational and insightful. Well done, and I am so glad to see you doing so well lately. You definitely deserve it.

    March 15, 2015
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  103. Kaleigh
    Kaleigh

    I truly hope that one day one of the women so invested in these damn books will end up reading your blog and go “say… you know that does sound kind of creepy”, and see the light about that festering stink pile that dares to call itself literature. thank YOU for writing these and being endlessly brilliant.

    March 16, 2015
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  104. Cristina
    Cristina

    Jenny-thank you for these 1,000 times. I found them while desperately feeling like the only person who saw these books as love stories to emotional and physical abuse. Whenever a person questions my opinion now I just throw up my hands and I just send them your way. And on a side note-reading these has made me laugh (and, admittedly, jump up and scream angrily “yes! this is fucking bullshit! ugh!!!!) during a very difficult time. I have been tapping into other posts and am so glad that there is so much more of your stuff to read. You are awesome-seriously. Thank you.

    March 21, 2015
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  105. Ag
    Ag

    Hej! I’ve read some other people recaps, but yours are the best. They are logical, smart and funny. These fucking books gave me anxiety and I survive them only because of you! Now I’m gonna read “The boss”.

    Also, there is one thing that I find weird but nobody talk about this. Ana missed her doctor’s appointment and Christian didn’t know it? It makes no sense. He is too controlling, he should know exactly where and when she was or wasn’t. It’s just another stupid thing about this book.

    Thanks again for averything, you are the best! And sorry for my english, I’m doing my best. Love :*

    March 24, 2015
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  106. Adeline Raina
    Adeline Raina

    Jenny,

    Thank you so so much for putting yourself through this train-wreck of a series for us. I could have never got through them on my own.

    The level of abuse in these books would have re-triggered me into my own crazy fucked up stuff for months (and I’m an abuse therapist: it takes *alot* to retrigger me!). So thankyou for holding my hand and reassuring me that there was someone sane who saw the abuse for what it was. It feels almost as if the whole culture is gaslighting us, trying to convince us that we’re wrong for spotting abuse. But no, this is clearly abuse.

    I loved learning from you about writing too. Whilst I’m studying academically to be a sociologist, I also hope to write creatively at some point. So these recaps have been invaluable for that reason.

    This feels like a long and painful journey has finished, and you have shared so much of yourself on this journey, and given so much, that I feel trauma-bonded to you now: which I know isn’t reciprocal, as you were posting into the void of the internet.

    I don’t really know what to say.

    I mean, had ELJames made these into so Ana finally realises how much she has been brainwashed (maybe Leila and Susi rescue her — maybe the kidnap was all plotted by them to rescue Ana, maybe I need to write this as fanfic?), and confronts Chedward and lays out all his abusive behaviours. This leads to a massive argument, and he ends up killing her, then her ghost watches him be incacerated… I actually would have respected ELJames as a decent author of tragedy, and the plot holes and running dialogue of minutiae would have been somewhat forgiven/explained by Ana realising she blindly went along with everything her abuser had said/wanted.

    But no. No such luck.

    It chills me to the core that women are holding this man up to be the romantic ideal. Jesusfuckingchrist. No. I’ve been Ana, more than once. This shit is never good. No matter how many lies I told myself about it being different this time, and that it was insecurity motivating him to have put screen-loggers on my computer and keep tabs on my whereabouts, not violent-control… I mean, I get it, the highs, the amazing highs in those relationships; but they’re always matched with the terrible, chilling, life-threatening lows: which is all part of how the abuser keeps the victimised person ensnared… “If I just try hard enough, if I just do all the right things, then he’ll be like he was”.

    I’m really saddened that women are seeking out someone like Grey. I imagine there is a whole flock of PUAs waiting to snare them.

    Oh, and for the record… MRAs (a voice for men’s “journal”) are saying that these books are full of abuse, stalking and are “rapey”. They see it as justification that women do have all the power in society, or do desire to be raped, as they’re eating these books up by the truck load… MRAs. They’re saying that.

    So…. anti-abuse and domestic violence therapists are saying these books are abuse; BDSM proponents are saying these books are abusive; MRAs are saying these books are abusive… what the fuck is going wrong in our society that these books are looked upon as romantic ideals?

    I think you were onto something during the first book when you mentioned a readers conference where you spoke on romance/erotica in literature; and you said the delegates either were already reading literature and hated 50shades, or only discovered erotic literature with 50shades, but now recognised they were terrible after reading other books. I have friends who have said similar, that the readers haven’t actually read books before (not even the ones they were forced to read in secondary school). So I really hope they discover decent literature and read some Lundy Bancroft on what abusive relationships are.

    And I think we need to have some serious conversations in our culture (with everyone, not just women) about how to spot abusers and abusive behaviours. And also be teaching people to abuse another person is wrong.

    But thank you so so much for “taking one for the team”… your depression matched my own, and I was still riveted even though I realised you were mostly hating every moment of having to analyse these chapters. So it really was a journey I felt we undertook together into the depths of hell ({House} of Leaves style — ps, if you’ve not read {House} of Leaves, read it now. It’s amazing.)… So I would like to offer you the flashy thing from men in black, retcon from torchwood, and the memory erase procedure from eternal sunshine… or at the very least, offer you brain bleach and some medical MJ.

    Thank you thank you thank you for venturing into this labyrinthe of the minotaur for us. I’m glad you have found your way out, and I hope the horn wounds from your fight have healed by the time this message is left a year or so later.

    Adeline.

    March 24, 2015
    |Reply
  107. Amara
    Amara

    Thank you for doing this. Thanks to you I can get all angry and snide in discussions about those books (which come up MUCH TOO OFTEN!!!) without having to spend money on them. And whenever someone asks if I even read them, I can say: “Nope, did something better than that.”

    And thanks for introducing me to the world of well-written sexy fiction. You totally deserve all the help and encouragement and money that comes your way for your writing.

    March 28, 2015
    |Reply
  108. The best part of the recap was your hair.

    Also, for their kid to be talented and smart, THEY would have to be talented and smart. Like, if my husband and I have kids, I can tell that they would be olive toned, brunet, brown eyed, with potentially high IQs (both of us are in the 130s), curly haired, etc. These are all traits we share, most are dominant, and it just makes sense. They would be BROUGHT UP with sociopolitical discussion and ENCOURAGED to read and write regularly, but no one can say if they would have any TALENT for it…

    April 19, 2015
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  109. Steve the Fan
    Steve the Fan

    Same as from everyone else who has posted. Thank you for doing this so that we didn’t have to. Thanks for making something funny and entertaining and thoughtful out of this book.

    This. Fucking. Book.

    June 4, 2015
    |Reply
  110. I felt guilty when I highlighted many of those same passeges on my Kindle; reading your review of the hard-to-digest bits, I feel immensely relieved: I am–if not normal, at least in good company.

    June 25, 2015
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  111. Xullafay
    Xullafay

    what would the author of these horrible and dangerous (literature is too much credit) ‘junk’ do if she had to live out what she keeps denying her books truly are?

    July 2, 2015
    |Reply
  112. Kenan
    Kenan

    Thank you so much for the recraps and thank you SO MUCH for reading those shitty books so I don’t need to read them myself.

    October 28, 2015
    |Reply
  113. Yvonne
    Yvonne

    I lie on our tartan picnic blanket and gaze up at the clear, blue, summer sky, my view framed by meadow flowers and tall green grasses.

    ~ Unless that grass is at least five feet high, your view is not going to be framed by it at all. Have you ever actually laid on a blanket on the grass even once in your life, E.L. Fudge? Now, if Ana were lying in the grass, sans blanket, it would work, but guess what blankets do? They flatten the grass! So the only grass near enough to still be standing would be around the edges of the blanket, and unless Ana’s head is at the very edge of the blanket, no grass or wildflowers are going to be within her line of sight while she’s “gazing up at the clear, blue summer sky.”

    “Mrs. Grey,” he breathes, and his teeth pull on my earlobe. “You’re so ready.”

    ~ Ew. Fucking gross. Is anyone else actually picturing this scene in their head? Because I am, and it’s fucking DISGUSTING. I don’t know who on earth can actually stand having their earlobes licked or bitten, or would even want to do that to someone else, but I fucking CANNOT stand it. And who the fuck actually SPEAKS while they’re doing it? And who the fuckety-fuck-fuck says “You’re so ready”? It just sounds SO goddamn stupid! Just say “You’re so wet.” That’s actually less disgusting and more accurate. Female body fluids are nothing to be ashamed of or disgusted over. If they gross you out, then you have no business having sex with a woman. And ANA is the one who decides when she’s actually ready. Wetness does not a “ready” sex partner make.

    “I think she likes sex already.”

    ~ Where do I even begin on how wrong this is? This baby isn’t even born yet, and you’re already saying this about her? So when she’s out, are you going to proudly introduce her to the world by telling everyone “She’s such a bundle of joy! She loves tummy kisses and Mommy’s lullabies and rough sex! She celebrated every time Mommy and Daddy had sex while she was still in the womb!” Are you going to look at your daughter as she comes home from her first day of school, excitedly telling you all the things she enjoyed doing that day, and proudly think to yourself “my little angel loves finger painting and sing-alongs and sex! Just like me when I was her age.”

    So, Ana and Christian argue over naming the next baby after Christian’s birth mother.

    ~ Go to hell, Christian. You have NO say in the baby’s name. You did nothing but fuck Ana and impregnate her. SHE carried and gave birth. The very least you owe her is exclusive baby-naming rights. The kid’s getting YOUR last name anyway, so you, along with all other men, have no right to complain. You forfeit your rights when you force a woman to go through nine months of hell to bring YOUR spawn into the world, and then insist on branding said spawn with YOUR surname. You OWE it to the mother to forfeit naming rights.

    But contrary to what I’ve seen some people report, it doesn’t say that Christian “sensually” licks his kid’s fingers. This book is gross and vaguely pedophilic enough as it is.

    ~ Technically, it is sensual. The fact that it was even included in the book pretty much makes it so. 90% of the book’s content is sexualized or eroticized in some way, regardless of how innocent it is. I would be willing to bet anything that E.L. meant it in a sensual way, especially after that remark about the baby liking sex already.

    There’s a section break, and Christian is reading The Lorax to Ted.

    ~ I call bullshit. Parents don’t read to their children anymore. Well, I’m sure some still do, but considering the fact that there are now TWO film versions of The Lorax, I refuse to believe Christian would bother with the actual book, regardless of his attitude toward television. Besides, reading to one’s child is far too cliché for a novel.

    November 20, 2015
    |Reply
    • Lynn
      Lynn

      I do agree with the majority of what you said. However, this part:
      I don’t know who on earth can actually stand having their earlobes licked or bitten, or would even want to do that to someone else, but I fucking CANNOT stand it. And who the fuck actually SPEAKS while they’re doing it?
      *Raises hand* I like it, and I don’t mind doing it to my SO. I can respect and understand why someone may not like it, but not everyone has the same turn ons and turn offs. I don’t like anal sex personally, but I can understand why some might like it. In the end though, I don’t care why and what people dabble in sexually as long as everyone is legal age and consenting to do the activity…even if i don’t personally like it.

      Also, I’m one of the parents that still read to their children. Even if there is a movie about a book, I don’t want my children to learn and get entertain by everything via movies and TV shows. Some stuff is okay, but it’s not a bad idea to still read to your children. Makes parent and child interact more with each other imo. With that said…yeah, I do agree with you that Christian probably wouldn’t do that. Would prefer to have Ted watch the Lorax rather than read it to him.

      November 21, 2015
      |Reply
      • Nevuela
        Nevuela

        Due to things I dealt with in my teen years, I am extremely particular about what I can and cannot tolerate physically. My entire backside is so sensitive that I go completely rigid and/or shudder violently whenever someone so much as lays a hand on my shoulder. I’ve been told I jump like someone poured ice water down my back. That’s how bad it is. It’s like being extra-extra ticklish, but in a way I physically cannot stand. One touch to my back and I will even wake up from a dead sleep.

        And teeth on my body – ESPECIALLY on a nipple – no matter how gentle, freak the fuck out of me. I will literally punch anyone who does this in the face, because my body fears being bitten THAT much.

        March 3, 2016
        |Reply
      • Nevuela
        Nevuela

        I’m Yvonne. Had to change my screen name a while back. Sorry.

        March 3, 2016
        |Reply
  114. Lynn
    Lynn

    Whatever happened as a teen, I’m sorry you had to go through it and it’s quite understandable why you feel the way you do. And it’s no problem about the name change 🙂

    March 3, 2016
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  115. CC
    CC

    I happened to run into your article on accident while searching the “recap” or epilogue from the first movie, glanced at a few words and decided to read until I realized how ignorant and ridiculous your comments sound toward E.L James and her books/movies.. I am going to guess these comments are coming from a woman who has never been abused physically or Sexually, nor both. I am positive that all women that have gone through any type of abuse by the hands of a man or woman do not feel the same, react the same or possess the same type of fucked up lifelong problems that come along with being a victim of such. I can say that in my opinion any woman who would come undone or bothered by the words of 50 shades books or movies knows absolutely nothing of real abuse!! I happen to have an opinion of the type of woman who call themselves feminists, demand they be treated equal to men and yet when treated in that manner (which I find is not becoming) these same women are the ones who are never satisfied, nothing is ever going to please this “woman”. I and many, many women prefer to be treated with respect, love to have our doors opened, prefer to have a man that can treat us with respect and exercise a little control at the same time. Do you want to open doors for your man? Or are you a lesbian?? Which is absolutely your choice and no one has the right to judge exactly as I don’t want to be judged for my preferences or treated differently due to things that I have suffered in my life in which my best girlfriend I’ve known from the time I could walk has had no clue about until well into our thirties when she put the pieces together and figured it out for herself, asking why did I not tell her?? Well, most of all.. I do not want pity from anyone, I don’t want to be thought of as this fragile, broken woman when I feel it has made me a stronger woman in ways and has plagued my life in other ways. It literally makes me ill to hear about women who choose to stay with men while being abused, raped, tortured and god knows what else, I was merely 6 and had no other choice but to endure this hell for years, so please excuse me for not giving a damn about offending women who whine about 50 shades plots, lol. I find it pathetic that these same women cry about gender equality all the while men are losing testosterone and becoming more feminine by the day.. Oh yes, I must mention these “so called” feminist women demand respect as a woman yet can not tolerate being in the same room with women they feel are more attractive , successful and even worse both. Is that not a contradiction? I, myself are sick of these women who put down women they find intimidating, judge her for the way she is dressed, her hair style, assuming and silently hoping her hair, breast’s, lips, ass or anything she sees as perfection is “fake” or unnatural to cure her own envy.. anyway, to stay on point..
    I cannot tolerate specific horror movies, so I decided not to watch.. or read these types., yet I am not going to write a blog stereotyping a specific type of woman who does choose to watch these movies, just as I would “stereotypically” guess most women complaining about a sexy, Rich man handcuffing women who WANT HIM TO are most likely the typical insecure women who don’t give a damn about how they look and work hard to stand out in other ways to get attention even if it’s negative attention. Hence, I am assuming you are the type of woman I had explained in this comment already or you’re an overweight, over opinionated, unattractive woman.. That is my stereotypical guess, of course I could be wrong.. how does it feel?
    In closing I must say I am raising two extremely smart, athletic, handsome sons who I pray marry a partner who shares the same values I do when it comes to pleasing their significant other and vice versa.. Some of us like to please in any way we can, it gives us pleasure.. Some women who have been abused use their experiences to learn from and trach other, some will use it as en excuse for anything they can think of.. telling as many people as they can to get attention because they cannot attain it any other way.. In other words, your assumptions suck ass!!! Get laid and stop torturing yourself!!

    October 22, 2017
    |Reply
    • Bookjunk
      Bookjunk

      I don’t know whether you actually read what Jenny wrote (it sure doesn’t seem like it), because your response is some bullshit. It boils down to (paraphrasing, but not a lot):

      “Women who do not like these books are fat, ugly feminists. Feminists hate beautiful, accomplished women. Do you not like your men controlling? Do you like to open the door for your man? You must be a lesbian! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Talking about the problematic aspects of FSoG means that you are a whiny, victim-playing bitch. How dare you have an opinion (that does not coincide with mine) and be a woman at the same time! Let me call you fat again. Something something men turning into women. When people share a past of being abused with other people, they’re only doing it for the attention. People who keep being abused to themselves – like me! – are heroes. You need some dick.”

      Ugh. Fuck off.

      October 22, 2017
      |Reply
    • Jenny Trout
      Jenny Trout

      Well, CC, you read one blog post out of four years of in-depth analysis and certainly had a lot to say about it. I would suggest before saying that anyone who doesn’t like this book has never been abused, you should read the comments on these posts where people who have been in abusive relationships (some involving BDSM as a method of abuse) express their frustration and concern with these books. I would also hope you would read some of the other blog posts concerning 50 Shades that I’ve written, including the ones about why the representation of BDSM in 50 Shades isn’t healthy.

      But you won’t.

      October 22, 2017
      |Reply
    • B
      B

      Oh, you were 6 so you get to pass judgement on any adult who is abused? Well, bitch, I was 4. I also, however, have done research into how abuse affects people at different ages, as well as the psychological reasons people stay with abusive partners. It has very little to do with “choice.

      Jenny’s reviews of 50 Shades come from a place of literary analysis, and a huge part of that is looking at the social impact of a work of literature. James’ portrayal of an emotionally and at times physically abusive relationship as something for one to aspire to is insanely problematic.

      Also, your immediate assumption than Jenny is a fat lesbian says as much about you as the fact that you think Jenny would be insulted by these adjectives.

      In conclusion, fuck off.

      October 22, 2017
      |Reply
      • B
        B

        “choice.”*

        October 22, 2017
        |Reply
    • Amy
      Amy

      Gurl, if you like the book, that’s fine.

      I honestly don’t know what your beef is. Your rant went from “ohhh, you probably never been abused in your life” to “LESBIANS SUCK!!!” and then to “FEMINISM SUCKS!!”
      and then to “DON’T JUDGE WOMEN, YOU LESBIAN PRUDE, BTW, I’M TOTALLY JUDGING YOU, BUT DON’T JUDGE OTHER WOMEN, LESBO”

      I think you’re running under the assumption that just because Christian Grey was abused, his view on sex and BDSM is perfectly acceptable, and the fact YOU enjoy this book makes you feel like the review is an attack on you and how you resonate with the book.

      Ma’am, remember that FSG was a Twilight fanfiction. Do you know what that is? It’s fans writing stories based off of pieces of media. Google “Archive of Our Own” and you’ll see what I mean.

      Got that? FSG was NOT an original piece. EL James wrote about Edward and Bella from Twilight (y’know, the young adult novel about vampires) having sex. The fanfiction got popular and EL James changed the names to Grey and Steele and made shit tons of money. I am not making this up, this is 100% true. Your favorite adult sex novel originally started out as an internet masturbatory celebrity-fantasy from a book written for 15 year olds.

      Sweetie, I suggest you spend a couple of years reading more before you come running in here acting like we’re a bunch of lesbians prudes who want to emasculate men. We’ve all written better/kinkier sex than FSG. Have you read Lesbian porn? Lesbians LOVE their toys and certainly use them more than ol’ Christian Grey. (but I doubt you’ll ever read lesbian porn cause of your homophobic rant, but you should give it a try. Trust me, it’s more fun to read grown women talk about their clits than reading about Anastasia going “down there” every five damn seconds)

      One of the reasons why FSG sucks is the fact the sex is so unhygienic. And no, that’s now how BDSM works, it’s unhygienic cause EL James is a terrible writer who didn’t research a damn thing. Half of the shit Grey does in the book would’ve resulted in hepatitis and multiple urine infections. You think urine infections are sexy?

      Lastly, I think it’s safe to assume we’re all women here. We’ve all experienced sexual harassment in our lives. Multiple women, including RAPE CRISIS COUNCELORS have come forward talking about how BAD the book is. People who practice BDSM have talked about how bad this book is. Even the actors themselves feel uncomfortable by the shit they’re forced to do. Hey, remember Robert Patterson, the guy who played Edward Cullen? He hates this book too. But you probably thinks he’s a fat lesbian prude too.

      Kristian Stewart hates this book too.

      Daniel Randcliff was offered to play Christian Grey. He hates this book too.

      Emma Watson, who is in fact a feminist and has talked in front of the UN, addressing women’s rights and rape, also hates this book.

      If you like the book, fine. Still doesn’t change the fact FSG fails as both as an erotic novel and a love story. You need to read more books, more sex books that doesn’t involve billionaires who want “a normal girl”.

      (and for the love of Christ, don’t raise your sons to be like Grey. Remember the tracking device Grey put in Ana’s car? if you think that’s romantic, then you got issues)

      October 22, 2017
      |Reply
      • Laina
        Laina

        “Lastly, I think it’s safe to assume we’re all women here.”

        Uh no actually it’s not? There’s one commenter named Jon and one named Steve so even if you’re just judging by names… no? And it’s pretty gross to assume the gender of a fairly large group like this. You’re likely misgendering some people.

        October 22, 2017
        |Reply
        • Amy
          Amy

          i did and you’re right. my apologies.

          October 22, 2017
          |Reply
  116. Linotte
    Linotte

    “I can say that in my opinion any woman who would come undone or bothered by the words of 50 shades books or movies knows absolutely nothing of real abuse!!”

    I read, analyzed, and MST3K’ed all three books for a blog outlet a few years ago, and to be honest, I’m bothered by how poorly written the books are. There are also a lot of parts of the book that are problematic, and it’s okay to discuss why these books are problematic.

    To be honest, I was more come undone by James’s use of Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles in the first book to set the scene for the “romance” between Christian and Ana. Tess of the d’Urbervilles is by no means a romance; it’s about a young woman who’s put in a terrible position by both her parents and her employer and the horrible effects it has on her life. If you want to reference a classic novel, try reading the goddamn thing first.

    October 22, 2017
    |Reply

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