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50 Shades of oh god I can’t watch Toy Story ever again.

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So, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company Fifty Shades of Grey Bear is a thing. And apparently I’m in the wrong fucking business, if people are willing to pay ninety bucks for a teddy bear.

Anyway, I thought their description needed work, so I fixed it for them (you may need to click the image to read the text at full size).

Vermont Bear Idiocy

 

Thank you to everyone who alerted me to the existence of this abomination.

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The cover for Nightmare Born shows the silhouette of two teens facing each other, holding hands in front of a night sky. There's a scary dracula-looking castle on a hill in the background and a full moon in the clouds. The title and two logos for the Google Play and Apple App store show beneath my name.

35 Comments

  1. Melodie
    Melodie

    If a guy ever bought me a Christian Grey bear, I would chuck it back in his face and dump him on the spot.

    Loved your new description for the product. So much more accurate. I’ve thankfully been able to avoid a lot of the hype for this movie but I’m still dreading its release and inevitable success. I am still hoping that it bombs and the other two are never made but sadly, I know that will not be the case.

    January 29, 2015
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    • I feel like, if I were a man in a relationship with a woman and I found out she loved these books — and especially if she loved them enough to want this bear — I would have to leave her.

      It should be grounds for immediate divorce.

      Jenny — That was really funny.

      January 29, 2015
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  2. There are ads for this abomination all over my computer now. I will take it to a field and beat it to death if I have to.

    January 29, 2015
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    • Athena
      Athena

      If you do, I hope you film it in slow motion and play, “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta feminist” as the soundtrack. And post it, please, for all of us to live the dream through you.

      January 30, 2015
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  3. Ilex
    Ilex

    Perfect, Jenny!

    And seriously … maybe we should all give up writing and start making teddy bears.

    January 29, 2015
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  4. Oh god, this literally might be the worst stuffed animal I have EVER seen. And some idiot somewhere is probably going to accidentally buy this for their kid. O_O

    January 29, 2015
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  5. Still waiting for the Playtex 50 Shades of Flow tampon line.

    January 29, 2015
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    • Candy Apple
      Candy Apple

      My mind went to a very bad place upon reading that. I also vividly recalled that part of the novel that I had worked so hard to bury subliminally. So, uh….thanks…?

      January 29, 2015
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  6. Megan M.
    Megan M.

    New description = much more accurate. I made the mistake of looking at it on the actual website and now FB bombards me with its ad. Ugh.

    January 29, 2015
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  7. Yeah, I’m another one who accidentally checked the main site, and now FB thinks I want the stupid thing. Jenny’s description is spot on!

    January 29, 2015
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  8. Cam
    Cam

    Why would they do this to a teddy bear? Now I keep picturing king jerkface because of that suit.

    I wonder how much more of this creepy stuff is going around making profit.

    January 29, 2015
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  9. Flo
    Flo

    I know one thing–I collect bears and I will NEVER purchase one from Vermont Teddy Bear ever. I question the intelligence of those running the company. Serious lack in judgment here folks!

    Love your description Jenny!

    January 29, 2015
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  10. Carolina
    Carolina

    This description is spot on…however, I’ll do everything I can to forget this “toy” exists.

    January 29, 2015
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  11. Benjamin W
    Benjamin W

    I keep running into this ad. Even on Cracked.

    I’ve never wanted to punch a teddy bear into the sun before though, so hey, they achieved SOMETHING new.

    January 29, 2015
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  12. Candy Apple
    Candy Apple

    WTF

    January 29, 2015
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  13. Katherine
    Katherine

    Hahahahahahahahaha…..love your description!

    January 29, 2015
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  14. AmyR
    AmyR

    This makes me so sad. I visited the Vermont Teddy Bear factory while in VT on vacation a few years back. Nice tour, really, really nice teddy bears. (Not that I’m in the market for $90 stuffed animals, but they are really well made and their lifetime guarantee includes every mishap you can think of.) I hate that they’ve put this out. But in their slight defense they do custom bears to customers’ specifications (as they should for those prices), so I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re just responding to demand. (Not that it makes it much less creepy.)

    January 29, 2015
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    • Raging Brainer
      Raging Brainer

      Yeah, I worked there for a little while and I have a soft spot for the bears. It makes me really sad to see the 50 Shades one but you are right about the customization. Someone was bound to order a costume version of it, or it is possible that enough people already have and they decided to market a specific one.

      January 30, 2015
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  15. A. Noyd
    A. Noyd

    I’ve been getting ads for this bear everywhere¹ since I followed kristy’s link in the FSoG merchandise thread. And I gotta say, how perfect is it that the Christian Grey bear will stalk you across the entire fucking internet if you look it once?

    ………..
    ¹ On my iPad which has no adblocker, anyway.

    January 29, 2015
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  16. Tammy
    Tammy

    I went to the website because, Christian Grey douchiness aside, it does look like a well-made teddy bear, and the header of the website has teddy!Grey just staring blankly at you and now I’m seeing why my dad gets freaked by my American Girl doll collection.

    January 29, 2015
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    • Tammy
      Tammy

      Oh when you click out of that it’s a normal teddy bear. OMG YOU CAN BUY A ZOMBIE TEDDY BEAR THAT OFFERS ITS HEART SHAPED LIKE AN ACTUAL HEART! That is freaking adorabe. And they have a “I love you more than bacon” suit for the bear. Omg these puns….”I’ve fallen for you” bear (bear looks like he fell down Mt. Everest), “I’m nuts for you” bear (bear dressed up like Mr. Peanut), “Orange is the new Bear”…

      *much surfing later*

      I. need. it. Or a boyfriend who respects me and my love of teddy bears!

      January 29, 2015
      |Reply
  17. Petra Newman
    Petra Newman

    Ok so a little story about this bear. I was having a Twitter chat with someone about it; basically trying to imagine the marketing meeting from hell where they decided this bear was a really great idea for Valentine’s 2015. I was imagining some ultra keen ‘ideas executive (in a really really keen voice) basically saying “guys I’ve had this fabulous idea. You know 50SOG the movie is coming out right? So how’s about we cash in with the…wait for it… Christian Grey Bear!! He can totally like wear a cute bear suit and have little bear handcuffs. Women will eat this stuff up!” So we’re chatting away all well and ironic and who should pop up to join the conversation but the Vermont Bear Co.? Not only that but they contributed some of the worst bear puns I’ve ever read. Honestly it was one of the most surreal things to happen to me so far on Twitter and every time I’ve seen this bear mentioned since Ive patiently waited to see if anyone else gets bear-punned from afar but so far no dice. I don’t know wether this is advertising strategy on behalf of the company or we just happened to attract the attention of someone with there with a love of bad puns, but I’d love to know if anyone else has been pun-bombed!

    January 29, 2015
    |Reply
    • AmyR
      AmyR

      Having been on the tour of their factory, I can tell you they are full of bad bear puns! For example, before showing us the stuffing that goes into the Bears, they warned us that what we were about to see was a bit grizzly.

      January 29, 2015
      |Reply
    • So you still don’t like our Bear-puns? Oh cub on.

      January 30, 2015
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      • JennyTrout
        JennyTrout

        The puns are bearable. The 50 Shades Bear, though, is the Polar opposite of a good idea and quite paws-sibly the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.

        January 30, 2015
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        • khan
          khan

          have a high-five

          January 4, 2016
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      • Petra Newman
        Petra Newman

        Hurrah the unBEARably bad puns person finally makes an appearance! I was beginning to think I’d imagined you. Oh and FYI this Bear? It’s the dictionary definition of a “bad idea”.

        January 30, 2015
        |Reply
  18. Jemmy
    Jemmy

    I saw an ad for this bear and it came with a pair of women’s PJ, I think it was ‘fantasy’ PJs or something in the description.

    So weird.

    January 30, 2015
    |Reply
  19. Raging Brainer
    Raging Brainer

    This makes me sad. I worked there for a little while when I was living in VT and when I had my car wreck I was given a Vermont Teddy Bear with a cute little cast and hospital gown and he has a bandage on his forehead. It makes me sad that they jumped on the 50 Shades of Poop train but I suppose I’m not surprised.

    January 30, 2015
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  20. Amber Rose
    Amber Rose

    I’m just thinking: “Does this bear smell like chloroform to you?”

    January 30, 2015
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  21. Gwen Cease
    Gwen Cease

    I want to know where the rope and duct tape are? I mean is that the deluxe Christian Grey bear package?

    January 30, 2015
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    • AmyR
      AmyR

      I’m disappointed the bear’s pants aren’t hanging off his hips in that way. Or maybe they are? I have no idea what that way is.

      January 31, 2015
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  22. Diane
    Diane

    Ugh.
    This teddy bear.

    This fucking teddy bear.

    Thank you, Jenny, for the best phrase ever. Though I never thought I would use it in reference to a teddy bear.

    January 31, 2015
    |Reply
  23. Tabby
    Tabby

    You know how the villains in the Toy Story films don’t die? They just get punished in some way and sometimes it’s played for laughs?
    If they’re ever going to break that streak, they should do it with this monstrosity. I’d be seriously happy to see it get torn apart or burned or something. Imagine Sid going to work on it.

    February 13, 2015
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