50 Shades of Grey is the Hotel California of books. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
Stopping just short of actually peeling Stephenie Meyer like an orange and making a Silence of The Lambs suit out of her, E.L. James has decided that what the world needs, what we really, really need, is for her to crash her new title, Grey, a retelling of 50 Shades of Grey, from Christian’s POV.
I hope this is a fan-made graphic and not the actual cover to the follow up of a billion-dollar trilogy, because I expect to see this kind of thing pop up on a stock cover site.
But I know what a lot of you are thinking, because I fell asleep on my phone last night and woke up this morning to a vibrator going off underneath my neck. So the answer is, yes.
Yes. I am going to recap it.
Grey comes out on June 18th. I’ll be leaving for my annual trip to the U.P., where I will begin writing The Baby, so I won’t be able to begin recaps on Grey until after that. So Grey recaps will start on June 29th.
Do they mean to say it’s going to be about JUST ONE shade of grey?
Whoa, EL, that’s just cheap
Nessie, I can see it now: Grey, followed by Greyer and ending with Greyest…
Oh God. Will James do alternate versions of the Entire Trilogy?
What’s next? Leila’s backstory? Mrs. Robinson’s? The whole thing done from Taylor’s point of view (THAT might be interesting)?
Does she have ANY other story in her, or is she just going to keep milking this dead cockroach for every last drop of slime?
Well, Jamie McGuire seems to be doing pretty well with that. Maybe this is just the beginning of a new trend in writing, telling one story over and over and hoping one’s readers aren’t smart enough to catch on.
Of course, judging from what’s been selling recently, I’m beginning to think the general population isn’t smart enough to figure it out…
It’s not that new. Barbara Cartland used the same formula hundreds of times: dashing but bored nobleman is conquered by sweet, innocent virgin. At least Cartland varied the time period and the plot devices. Does McGuire do that?
No, she does not.
I would read the hell out of Taylor’s backstory if it was written by someone, anyone else, preferably with a lot of snarky inner dialog by Taylor regarding his opinion of Mr. Christian Grey. Yep. Someone needs to do this.
There’s some fan-fic floating around with this premise. Forgot where I saw it but it was pretty entertaining. 🙂
Better hurry if you want to read it before James shuts it down. Because fanfic on “her” characters is PLAGIARISM.
I wrote a fan(mostly spite) fic, with Taylor as a double agent, really working for the FBI, keeping tabs on Grey and his connection to Mrs Robinson, who is an international child porn peddler. There’s pot-smoking Vikings, mischief, mayhem, and murder.
There are POV changes, and Taylor offers his perspective.
And I got tons of shit in the comments for it from the ardent fans of the franchise, so I must have done *something* right.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10445559/2/Intervention-of-Ana-dark-fiction
“My inner serial killer just flayed Christian.”
I started reading your story tonight, Mandi, and you can bet I’m gonna stick with it to the end. ^.^
That is, if a certain Kunty McSkankerson doesn’t get it taken down for “plagiarism” first. God, does she has a superiority complex. Ugh…
You people are making me laugh so hard snot is fogging my keyboard!
Ooh! And there’s this one (I did not write it) that is strictly from Taylor’s POV: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9060451/1/
The tale of the unfortunate serf who has to clean up Christian Grey’s stinky used butt plugs when he and his succession of subs couldn’t be bothered?
The laundry that has to deal with the bedlinens after a tampon-removal? I don’t know about Ana, she’s such a Mary-Sue she probably menstruates in a dainty way, but there are some people who bleed like stuck pigs.
Well Stephanie Meyer started writing Midnight Sun which was Edward’s POV of the first Twilight book. Basically E.L James is just gonna keep stealing this poor woman’s ideas. I bet you next she will do her version of The Host.
Oh my goodness. KB Gardener, you have seen the future and it is bleak.
Ending? Haha, nice one
One shade of Grey– admission that he’s shallow and a single-dimension trope?
Maybe the whole book will be, like, 350 blank grey pages
Too post-modern. Not only James’ fans, but James herself wouldn’t “get” it.
Fair enough, since she doesn’t really get 50SoG, either
I thought that was her ‘writing guide.’
Oh wait, wasn’t there snippets from her previously published work sprinkled through the blank notebook?
Ah, she’s dull and immensely prone to regurgitation.
Thanks for the link Mandi! Couldn’t find the end of this!
OMGGGGGGGGG I’M SO EXCITED!
OMG, I love you. I can’t wait to read your recaps! I will not be reading the actual book. I love that you take the hit for all of us.
Apparently, June 18th is also CHEDWARD’S BIRTHDAY.
It shouldn’t be! I forbid it! It’s my Dad’s birthday. And my niece’s. And they’re both wonderful. How dare you, EL
I am so sorry that you have to keep suffering with these books, but I’m not going to lie. I’m really looking forward to your recap on this one. The second I heard about it, I immediately checked to see if you had made any posts regarding the news.
All I can say now is, good luck.
Being released on my birthday?! How rude, they didn’t consult me.
My birthday is also June 18th and I’m beyond ticked that a) it’s coming out on that day too and b) she decided to make the day Christian’s birthday.
It’s my fiance’s birthday, too. I think he’s just going to have to change it.
Your birthday’s the day after mine, but look on the bright side. More of this slop means more hilarious recaps!
I share your pain. I, too, was born on June 18th. So, let’s all hope the fan backlash hits fast and hard! You know this will be a book too terrible even for 50sog fans 🙂
Alas–there may be no such thing.
The movie came out on my birthday. Intensely irritating.
I kept reading recaps as “recraps” for some reason.
I feel sorry for you as an individual, but, on a selfish personal level — I am excite. Thank you so much for taking this for the team.
Thank you thank you!! I will also not be reading this piece of crap book, but will of course read your “recraps”
“recraps”… because Ana flushes a lot?
I saw this on Facebook this morning. I am a good week into a nauseating, extremely painful, head-fogging migraine that won’t quit and had a pretty major blow-up with the man over the weekend about a decade-long relationship issue, so this was a GREAT way to start my Monday.
The vomit that has been holding back is ready to escape.
Oh, and also — I listened to the trilogy on YouTube (far more entertaining and less stabbity-making than reading it simply because it was unintentionally hilarious) and I listened to the first chapter of this atrocity.
It’s even worse than the original.
What videos did you listen to? I could only find the audiobook of the first one.
I just kept clicking through and they were all there. I do know James and her publisher threatened some serious legal action against a girl who was reading them chapter-by-chapter (and hilariously panning them), so they may have gotten all the audios taken down from YouTube eventually. It was a couple years ago. I believe I was listening to the official audiobooks, though. I’ll see if I can find them.
OK. I did a search and I don’t see the ones I used. But here’s the beginning of the second one:
Whoever posted that video, their account was terminated, due to “multiple third-party notifications of copyright infringement”.
I’ll keeping looking. I’m sure I’ll be able to find the other two somewhere.
Good luck! Seems EL and Co. are all over getting stuff removed. I won’t give her a dime, so if I can’t find it for free, I won’t listen to it. I refuse to read it either way. I don’t think I could. I’d be bored quick. The audio is funny enough to be entertaining.
Maybe Gilbert Gottfried will do another reading.
So, shall we start the collection now to keep Jenny well supplied in liquor to help her get through this?
Jenny – What’s your poison? Beer? Scotch? Whiskey? Or should we just ship over 3 crates of brain bleach?
Jenny is recovering and doesn’t drink, if I recall correctly.
What if we send her puppy-grams instead?
Are puppy-grams a thing? If not, who wants to get in on that business with me?
Candy, not alcohol
Zotz!!!
I’m so excited (and so sorry!) that you’ll be recapping this.
But also, when I first saw this on bookriot this morning, all I could think was “DEAR GOD WHY!!! JUST LET IT DIE ALREADY!”
I love you! This is awesome.
Also, is this the same stuff she added at the end of 50 Shades Freed as “Bonus Material”? If yes, this is going to be so fucking hilarious because Christian is so creepy that it’s off the Creep-o-meter chart (yes, I choose to laugh, because I don’t want to cry).
I think it’s fairly obvious that they are trying to keep this series relevant so the next movie won’t flop at the box office. Although, with all of the supposed conflict on the last movie set, I wouldn’t bet on the next one getting made. We can hope.
I am a glass or two of wine down, on holiday. Apologies for any brain bleach needed after this comment, or an immediate impulse to poke out one’s mind’s eye; Peter Capaldi as Chedward seems VERY agreeable right now. Not that the brain bleach is needed because of the frankly sublime Mr C. More for the horror that he would be associated with this merde, or as Malcolm Tucker might say: @@#$/^ ^&* and &^@#$// you bunch of $^&*#@! And while you are here just @#*&// off! Oh yes. I WOULD OBEY HIS EVERY COMMAND. Sorry about shout caps!
Yes, Jenny, like everyone else who heard the news, I came here both to warn and to ask.
May God have mercy on us all.
YESS! This is what I was hoping for the second I saw the announcement.
Can’t wait, Jen 😀
Hooray! About the recapping, I mean, not the actual publication of this sure-to-be masterwork.
I saw this pop up on my feed and immediately went to jennytrout.com – lol. Yass, I’m glad you’ll be doing a recap.
I’ve always been a reader, but only lately have I started paying attention to all the BS writers actually go through. It astounds me that I can finish something brilliant that only has maybe 5 amazon reviews, and basically no reads on goodreads, but shit like this gets so much attention… I know this was a Twilight fanfic. *That* is why it had so much early attention. Without the twilight base making early purchases, it would have been nothing. But then EL has to fight that reality off with a stick and she honestly, truly thinks her work is just so amazing and that’s why it has sold so much. She was born on third base and thought she hit a triple. It’s insane.
Is there any way we can send you shock blankets, puppies and comfort food? I get the feeling you’ll be needing them.
You are a saint to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. As much as I want to vomit over the notion of her writing more dreck, I am delightedly awaiting your coverage of it. [checks calendar impatiently…]
Oh god, more from EL James? I can’t wait to see what will come out of this. Thanks for keeping us entertained Jenny!
I’m really thankful you’ve decided to recap this awfulness, but I’ve got a question to Jenny and all the other folks our there with experience in publishing: is it normal for a book to get announced only a couple weeks pre-street date? Did ELJ do what Meyer didn’t and kept mum about it until the last minute to avoid leaks, or is this more the publisher scrambling to get this dreck out ASAP and hope they don’t end up with MORE unsold doorstops?
This is what’s known as “crashing” a title. E.L. probably finished the book recently, and the publisher knows it can make money, so they force it into their schedule at the last minute. It’s not super common, and no, it’s usually not quite so close the release date. It’s also possible that this was embargoed and was in the works for a while longer.
I feel bad for basically anyone who has an erotic romance, contemporary romance, or New Adult title coming out in June, because this is going to crush their sales.
Thank you for the (quick!) reply! That’s interesting to learn, reminds me of what happens with comic conventions sometimes where a usually bigger show will move dates closer to a smaller one, eating into the tinier con’s profit.
One good thing will come out of this at least… I’ll have more paper shavings for my guinea pigs’ litter box
Is she really ripping off not only SMeyer’s story, but her marketing plans as well? Has James ever had an original thought?
I doubt it, Bryn., but it does beg the question of what she’ll do after this… a story from the POV of Grey’s receptionist?
Is James ever going to have a story idea that she didn’t rip off from Stephenie Meyer? I guess that as long as she’s making shit tons of money doing this, there’s no need. Anyhow, I’m looking forward to your recaps. Poor you having to read this stuff, though.
DON’T DO IT! DON’T GO IN THERE!!
If my poor husband is still unemployed by then, your snark will be a welcome distraction. I enjoy your blog posts on a variety of topics, but it was the recaps that first pulled me in.
Yes! Hellz to the triple yes!!!
I do feel bad for you tho. But still yes.
YASS. I saw this on TMS and knew you’d have something to say about it. I’m more excited for more snarky take-down than the actual book itself!
Does this mean that you’ll put reviewing That Not-Scifi Alien-New-Adult-Romance on hold? (Can we have both, or is that asking too much???)
I sincerely hope you don’t suffer too much brain damage while recapping this, but I look forward to your snarky hilarity!
Also, EL needs to disappear, seriously. Anyone know where I can find a giant Easter egg bomb that’ll blow her to February 33rd?
(sorry, Fairly Odd Parents reference)
Just finishing off your recaps now because i realised i hadnt and they are glorious. Thank you for taking the bullet for us all. You are a special kind of person.
Jenny’s recaps will be the only things making this latest literary catastrophe bearable.
Weeping with joy. You are truly a martyr.
Barfity barf barf. But I am glad Jen will be recapping it.
I’m still waiting with bated breath for the next Apolonia recap, by the way!
I know this will be painful for you, but I’m kind of excited over this, simply because I’ve been subsisting off snarky recaps lately. I’ll have plenty of popcorn ready.
(Also, when I was writing out my supply order list for work, and I saw we needed pens, I wrote Bicmcpenlamperson. I hope no one decides to question that…)
I was incandescently hacked off when I saw this yesterday on Twitter. I managed to vent much of spleen there because honestly I never imagined I could feel sorry for a multi-millionaire author but honestly Stephenie Meyer must be wandering round looking like Mad Max strapped to the front of a war boys car right now; pissed off as hell, muttering incoherently, with every alternate word a curse out. I had long ago come to the conclusion that James had no shame, but this literally takes the cake. Clearly for some people there simply isn’t enough money in the world.
In an aside to all of this does anyone else remember that during Jen’s original recaps she linked to a ff where a person had already rewritten 50 from Christian’s POV? As I recall at the time, aside from being from Christian’s POV (bleurgh) the actual writing wasn’t half bad. My question is, given how close an eye James keeps on all things 50, is she aware that this version exists and if so how close to that writers FF will James’ version be? She’s already shown that she absolutely no problem ‘borrowing’ another writer’s work. If there turn out to be elements of that ff writer’s stuff in this we may finally have gone totally Inception on the whole thing. It’s definitely going to be worth a compare and contrast when this pile of crap comes out.
I’m so excited to read your recaps, but I feel for you. So much. I could barely handle reading the originals >_>
http://www.rantlifestyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/cute-baby-animal001.jpg
Preemptive adorable ducks. Thank you for making this crap enjoyable instead of depressing.
I tried to reply to you, but it went to the bottom. It is a genius idea, and I have added puppies. Jenny will need all the amoral support she can get for this mission.
I’m great at amoral support
‘Pssst, Jenny, slash her tyres!’
I foresee an ever-growing, running list of all the times James screws her own continuity between 50 Shades and Grey. All sorts of things are going to happen in this ‘retelling’ that never happened in 50 Shades. I’d say we should drink every time she screws the pooch there but I don’t have a field medic on standby for alcohol poisoning. Heh. Looking forward to you reading this very much!
In my best case scenario, Stephenie Meyer saw this release today, said a polite Mormon cuss word, dug up her manuscript of Midnight Sun from under her pile of dusty pique, and shipped it off to her publisher on the condition that it gets released the same day as Grey.
It’s not everything, but has James made more money than Meyer, films included? Is she more popular?
polite Mormon cuss word
While I am not Mormon anymore, I still speak it fluently. That curse would be: “Flip!” or possibly, if extremely piqued, “Gosh darnit!
I have it on good authority (from a “recovering” person of some note who, ironically, is part of the storied tradition of recapping/sporking the original source material Stoney ) that another one is “Oh my heck!”
I kind of feel for SMeyer, but she’s made her millions and can dry her tears on greenbacks. I feel more for the rest of us, who are still downriver and have to keep watching the sewer overflow.
“Gosh darnit!”
So heard that in my head, in Trey Parker’s (the movie Orgazmo, specifically) voice.
It’ll be okay, Jenny, we’re here with you! Well, we’re here hiding behind you, using you as a meat shield, but still – we are here – and that’s what counts. Onward, intrepid recapper! We shall sing songs of your glorious descent into madness! You have saved us all, oh stalwart one! Read on, and may the snark be with you!
I feel so conflicted about this.
On one hand, I’m crying “WHY WON’T THIS DIE ALREADY??!!!” but at the same time, I’m also figuratively fist-pumping because “YEESSSSSSSSSS!!!! MOAR JENNY RECAPS!!!!”. I have missed your 50 Shades shade-throwing tremendously, lol.
I share everyone else’s mix of horror and excitement. You’re my hero, Jenny 🙂
I don’t think this is a very smart move on James’ part. In the original (ha!) FSoG books Christian was a total creeper, but James managed to mislead some of the readers by having Ana (mis)interpret every disturbing thing he did and said as an act of love. This new book will not be able to do that.
We’re going to read about Christian’s thoughts and motivations and (if that excerpt is any indication) they’re going to be super creepy and dickish and stuffing in an ‘I only want to protect her’ bullshit phrase every now and then is not going to undo the horror of spending an entire book in the toxic headspace of a guy who is clearly an enormous asshole.
It will be interesting because I feel like she might try to make him look like an even more glorious example of manly manliness and as kurrie said above could totally screw up the continuity, not to mention make him come across even worse. we know she’s the sort that doubles down if she thinks she’s right.
If the little bonus section at the end of the last book is any indication, she makes him look particularly serial killery. I mean, it’s BAD.
Honestly, she had a fantastic foundation in this for a psychological thriller or horror story. All the things a writer with actual talent could have done …
It WAS done in the 18th century. Samuel Richardson’s “Clarissa” is a novel in letters (rather than diaries), written primarily by a man determined to seduce (or if necessary, rape) a sweet young virgin famous for her virtue, and by the sweet young virgin, whose family is trying to push her into marriage with a rich but hideous neighbor. Although Richardson can be bombastic, he nailed the multiple voices brilliantly, and he also avoided the dubious conclusion of his first novel “Pamela,” by establishing that some bad boys CAN’T be reformed, no matter what the good girls tell themselves.
🙂
Have an English lit degree. lol Very familiar with Clarissa. There are many examples of similar stories. There really is no original plot anymore (though similar does not mean rip-off!). Just saying, James — had she had any talent — could have written an interesting, good book. But she doesn’t and she wrote this.
Her character is supposed to be romantic and desirable. Yet he comes across as creepy, scary and gross. Nabakov did it on purpose and brilliantly. James … Well, you know.
Bingo! Yes!! Humbert deliberately uses charm, his wordplay and wit, to distract the reader from his horrible self, which Lolita sees clearly enough–we may even doubt her perspective, when he unwittingly allows it to creep through. Meanwhile, readers (and Ana) are supposed to find Chedward charming (nice alliteration there!), but we never do find out why, because he’s, um, horrible.
He doesn’t even have the ruthless grandeur of Valmont in Liaisons Dangereuses. He’s petty. When he isn’t threatening, he’s whining.
As someone who enjoys much of the new Battlestar Gallatica (not sure I’m a fan though) I feel like this should be 50 Shades: The Plan after http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1286130/?ref_=nv_sr_1 (I am now wondering if there is potential for some interesting crossover fic.)
More importantly, as a cynical, politically minded person I do not regret FSoG continuing to be prominent in the public mind as much as might be expected. I see it as reflecting, rather than causing, the problematic social aspects that it resonates with (although I agree with the reinforcing feedback argument). If we wish to challenge these aspects of society everyone talking about FSoG should provide a good starting point – if we can utilise it.
Therefore: all the best with the snarking recaps.
*Galatica apparently.
Things I need to know about Grey:
1. Do you guys think Chedward has an inner goddess and/or subconscious? Do they live in a castle? Have pompoms? Hang out with his Dark Passenger?
2. Will there be a scene in Chedward’s arts and crafts room where he makes artisan soap out of his ex-subs? We all know it’s a thing, EL, might as well admit it.
3. So excited to learn more about “shit or bust” time! (No, I’m not.)
4. If narration remains consistent, are we in for hours of gazing at a blinking dot on the map in reverie, blinking dot being Ana’s phone? Fun fun fun
5. What if Fifty Shades is hell in the Orphan Black universe where all the really bad clones go? And CG is literally 50 different men? (Omg, what if it’s also the darkest timeline? No, too far, not bringing Abed into this.)
Oh my god! I need to know this too. I would probably die of laughter if Christian had some variation of an Inner Goddess and Subconscious.
He totally has a Dark Passenger, because he’s a serial killer but also because EL cannot think up anything original ever.
My first thought was wondering if Christian was going to have some variation of the inner goddess or subconscious, as well.
…but the Dark Passenger concept will probably just be ripped off instead.
“3. So excited to learn more about “shit or bust” time! (No, I’m not.)”
i just did something that was between a chortle and choking on my own spit
The fact that this book is being published is proof that we are living in the Darkest Timeline.
6. Will EL James finally use the word ‘cock’ as in ‘penis’? Or -gasp- ‘PUSSY’?
7. When he pulled out the tampon out of Ana, did his Cheddie-bird twitch and tweet with expectation? Or did it throb with purrs?
8. HIS SIDE OF THE HELICOPTER STORY. I swear, the only reason I want to see the second book of Grey is to see that.
Ooh, I already did that for you. See http://troutnation.freeforums.net/thread/53/sequel?page=2
So basically Christian (and his creat-erm-plagiarist) knows as much about helicopters as I know about crop rotation. Probably less, because I have a vague notion of hiw crop rotation works, but James just thew the helicopter in because it sounded cool.
Actually, for the events to happen exactly as EL wrote them he would have to be very quick and intelligent to act in a timely fashion at the first indication of the engine fire and power loss to go into autorotation and then be a complete dumbshit thereafter not to transmit a mayday call or activate the ELT.
Autorotation MUST be successfully entered in two seconds or LESS after power loss or the main rotor slows down too much and the ship falls out of the sky. Well, maybe at cruise he had a LITTLE more time, but a keen pilot MUST be quick on the controls to dump the collective, haul back on the center stick and boot full left rudder. Then look for a place to land and land without triggering the ELT automatic crash detection switch.
And then somehow manage to put the fire out in the engine bay when the access door latch handles are TOO HOT to manipulate (remember that the helicopter is saved to be rebuilt in later chapters) So the fire HAD to be minor otherwise the whole ship would have burned to nothingness on the ground and most likely start a forest fire. So he HAD to put it out.
And then he ignored the ELT that he could have just turned on, or just fired up the battery and called for help on the main radio.
Instead he walked away from a white helicopter surrounded by dark green trees with a woman in high heels.
Dumbshit.
James has thus violated at least two of the rules in in Mark Twain’s incomparable “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses”:
========================================================
7. They require that when a personage talks like an illustrated, gilt-edged, tree-calf, hand-tooled, seven-dollar Friendship’s Offering in the beginning of a paragraph, he shall not talk like a negro minstrel in the end of it. But this rule is flung down and danced upon in the Deerslayer tale.
8. They require that crass stupidities shall not be played upon the reader as “the craft of the woodsman, the delicate art of the forest,” by either the author or the people in the tale. But this rule is persistently violated in the Deerslayer tale.
============================
To apply to James, man must not talk and act like a mechanical genius in one passage and then talk and act like Baby Huey in the next.
Violetta,
In James Fenemore Cooper’s ‘Deerslayer’ Cooper just never had the life experience that an outdoorsman had at the time nor bothered to ask. Just like EL, neither did their research.
But I would add that in EL’s case she took it down a notch even below Fenemore-Cooper because things happened in the novel because SHE (the author) wanted them to happen, not because the characters made them happen or, in the case of the helicopter, they happened in a manner inconsistent with current-day reality. Another example of this, say, is the fact that Ana never calls the police when stalker-woman breaks into the house with a gun or her sister-in-law is abducted. And the good laugh we have when she gets the money from the bank in a manner completely inconsistent with modern banking procedures.
The list goes on. And on. Classic example of bad writing from inexperience at the craft.
James has committed many more literary offenses–I hesitate to examine her work in the light of Twain’s complete list of rules, because it would be time-consuming enough to interfere with all ordinary aspects of living, but here are the main ones:
====================================
10. They require that the author shall make the reader feel a deep interest in the personages of his tale and in their fate; and that he shall make the reader love the good people in the tale and hate the bad ones. But the reader of the Deerslayer tale dislikes the good people in it, is indifferent to the others, and wishes they would all get drowned together.
11. They require that the characters in a tale shall be so clearly defined that the reader can tell beforehand what each will do in a given emergency. But in the Deerslayer tale this rule is vacated.
==================================================
11. For merely one example, Ana’s roommate sometimes warns Ana about Christian, sometimes encourages her, and sometimes seems to envy her. Her actions are never explained as her changing her mind after getting new information, or ambivalence: she is merely there–as are all the characters–to reflect the glorious Mary-Sueness of Ana.
As for 10, well, I couldn’t phrase it any better than Twain did.
And no, I’m sure EL will not use ‘cock’ or ‘penis.’ But she can’t use ‘inner goddess,’ either, hence my substitution of “Thor’s Hammer” for that purpose in my helicopter writeup.
Enjoy.
I’m kinda torn on my reaction. While I will enjoy reading the recaps, and I’m happy about the exposure the recaps give Jenny, I really wish this book wasn’t coming out. The world will seriously be a better place once this phenomenon has died out. My only wish is that James sticks with the original content well enough that some current fans of the series will realize how unromantic it truly is.
Brain bleach needed – are we seriously going to have to go through the tampon scene again? I’m not sure I want to know Chedward’s thought process on that.
Urgggghhhhhh…..
That is brilliant!
I’m not sure how to do this, so I’ll just post some links to preemptive adorable Great Pyr puppies:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kamPiNwosvc
So will we eventually be (mis)treated to a compilation of the thoughts every single waitress or barmaid who eyed Chedward longingly while Ana glared at her?
Eh, maybe we shouldn’t be posting these things. James might surf here and get ideas.
I will admit I was seriously contemplating reading this. But since I infinitely enjoy your recaps better, I think I’ll just wait and laugh my butt off at the commentary.
Thank you for this public service 🙂
While I can’t wait for Jenny’s snarky recap, I’m especially hopeful of someone finding inadvertent inconsistencies between FSOG and this latest, vitally-needed retelling of the same damn story. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to see E.L. mess up retelling
Stephenie Meyer’sher own story.On one hand, yes, it’d be pretty hilarious. On the other hand, EL has proven herself as an unparalleled master of copy/paste. She probably switched around ‘he’ and ‘she’, and voila
“I just got drunk-dialed by that new little moron I want to tie up and whip. I told her I’d be there as soon as possible. My inner Henry Holmes tells me that if I can get there when her friends aren’t around, I could drive off, add a roofie to that comforting coffee I offer her, and leave her by the side of the road and she wouldn’t even remember what happened the next day…if I let her wake up at all.
“Oh gosh-darn-gee-whillickers-fudge-monkeys. She’s not alone. And some Spicky-looking guy is hitting on her. Hitting on the little piece of tail *I* was planning to torture.
“Um…I must PROTECT her.”
This is hilarious.
I can’t help but think there are three reasons for this:
1) Money. Duh.
2) Meyer did it first. (Or was going to do it and then didn’t? I can’t remember.)
3) This is going to be a misguided and horrible attempt at proving once and for all that her EPIC LOVE STORY OF EPICNESS is really about ROMANCE and not abuse, because EL James can’t tell the difference. She wants us to look into the brain of the best and see how much he ~really loves~ Ana.
In any case, I’m eyerolling into another dimension, and grateful for Jenny’s dedication to throwing shade for us. <3
brain of the beast* dammit
I think your typo was closer to her actual thought process, really.
My advice to you: Prozac and vokda. Better listen, I’m pre-med.
Or even vodka. (stupid cat)
Jenny, it is a brave sacrifice you are making for our entertainment. We salute you and will be standing by with puppies, candy, and Billy Joel!
This is already a #1 Best Seller in the Books category on Amazon.co.uk and #1 in books and ebooks on Amazon.com. What is this world coming to?
Jenny, bless you for reading this. The struggle is real.
I still think that this book should be subjected to a GIGA DRILL BREAKER (allcaps is obligatory). Because you can solve ALL of your problems with a GIGA DRILL BREAKER (allcaps is obligatory).
As a person who despises Hotel California I have to applaud you for making the comparison. And I’m really excited about your recaps! But if you need anything to fortify you in this endeavor, please ask!
I thought I was the only one who hated that song. I feel like it could’ve been half of its 6:20 run time easily, but they dragged it out just to make it more annoying.
Of course, it doesn’t help I had to listen to someone who’s completely tone-deaf sing the Entire. Freaking. Thing. into a microphone. Good Lord, was that a painful experience…
I’m more excited that you’re writing ‘The Baby’! 🙂
It’s June 29th. EAGERLY anticipating this!! 🙂