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50 Shades of Single White Female

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I’m supposed to be on a blogging hiatus. Is it really too much to ask that 50 Shades related foolishness just pause for a minute? Yet, like the cop sidekick in an action movie, I was so close to going home and saying goodbye to this dangerous life, and then I got shot.

Shot in the face with the most absurdly staged news story in the history of all time.

In a twist unlike any that has ever happened to any other hotly anticipated retelling of a blockbuster novel, Grey, the retold  50 Shades of Grey, has been stolen and is in grave danger of being leaked to the general public.

Oh, how terrible it must feel when one rewrites the first novel of their series from the hero’s perspective, only to find it has cruelly been leaked ahead of release day! Probably not as bad as someone plagiarizing your entire series, then turning around and putting out their own version of the spin-off novel you wrote and shelved because it was leaked to the public, and claiming that their novel was also leaked, because they don’t just want to rip off your intellectual property, they want to absorb your entire life and become you.

Something like that.

Now, I’m not saying this was James’s idea. But I am saying that a publicist is at work on this one. What are the odds, really, that:

  • Stephenie Meyer publishes the Twilight series.
  • Stephenie Meyer begins work on Midnight Sun.
  • Midnight Sun is leaked online
  • Stephenie Meyer shelves Midnight Sun indefinitely.

and then

  • E.L. James is “inspired” by Twilight and writes 50 Shades of Grey.
  • E.L. James announces the publication of Grey.
  • Grey is allegedly stolen from the printers.

Obviously there’s no chance of Grey being shelved or even postponed because God is dead, just like I am on the inside. But I’m sorry, it’s just too coincidental that a series plagiarizing Twilight just so happens to have a companion novel told from the hero’s perspective a la Midnight Sun, and it also just so happens to get stolen and possibly leaked, especially when the printing company is apparently not having it, either:

A spokeswoman for CPI UK confirmed it is printing the 50 Shades of Grey companion novel Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey As Told by Christian, but said: “I doubt it’s gone missing from one of our printworks seeing as I haven’t heard about it.”

Here’s hoping that James choses to rip off the rest of Meyers’s career arc, and vanish without fanfare.

Now it’s back to the hiatus hole for me.

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66 Comments

  1. frances
    frances

    Are these people even for real? Christ…

    June 9, 2015
    |Reply
  2. Petra Newman
    Petra Newman

    This had me LOLing until I my sides hurt. Honestly by this point Stephenie Meyer must have very thing she’s ever put a pen to under lock and key. I didn’t think it was possible to feel sorry for a multi millionaire but honestly if I was Meyer I’d be having my house swept for bugs and becoming not a little paranoid; never mind completely pissed off. Does EL James not realize that people can see how blatant a rip off this is? Or does she simply not care? My guess is on the second option. If one believes a third of the stories about her she clearly has an ego the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (and it’s just as scary) and gives not a damn about respecting another author’s work, so this is simply the latest in a long line (which will I’m sure grow ever longer if the second film ever comes to fruition) of stuff that makes her look bad.

    June 9, 2015
    |Reply
  3. ViolettaD
    ViolettaD

    Perhaps whoever leaked James’ master-ba- er, -piece, has been kind enough to copy-edit it before posting it.

    June 9, 2015
    |Reply
    • Danielle
      Danielle

      This made me laugh, thank you

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
    • Ilex
      Ilex

      Hah, Violetta! That’s perfect.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
  4. Amanda
    Amanda

    I am excited to read E.L. James’ kinky post-apocalyptic novel about an invading parasitic race. With butt plugs.

    June 9, 2015
    |Reply
    • ella
      ella

      I would not be surprised if EL made a tentacle porn version of The Host.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
      • SamBeringer
        SamBeringer

        Pfft, like she’d have the guts to go that far. Speaking as an avid reader of fanfic 50 Shades was one of the tamest things I’ve ever read; if she even learned about some of the kinks in one community I’m part of, her head would explode.

        June 10, 2015
        |Reply
        • ViolettaD
          ViolettaD

          That’s for damn sure. I had an indie contractor job copy-editing for Masquerade books, which has been publishing fairly hard-core S&M books for decades. James would poop her prissy little panties with fear if she had any idea what the real stuff is like.

          June 10, 2015
          |Reply
      • Cat
        Cat

        What’s hilarious is that EL James thinks that her work is super hard-core kinky, even with all her vague “down there” references.

        I don’t find tentacle porn even remotely sexy (it’s seafood, yuck), but I’d still rather read tentacle porn than 50 Shades.

        June 11, 2015
        |Reply
        • Annie
          Annie

          That’s what I don’t get. When it comes to sex-positive, feminist women, I think I’m rather naïve regarding most things sexual. I was a late bloomer, I was terribly shy and naïve about almost everything until quite late, etc. I’m not prudish at all, and never really have been. I’m just a bit naïve.

          Before I found the recaps here (well, it wasn’t here then), I was curious about all the hype around 50 Shades. With everyone talking about how erotic and kinky they were, I read some of the sex scenes from the book because I just had to know. And I’ll tell you, I was shocked, but I was shocked at how astoundingly dull they were. I think I actually yawned through some of them.
          I sometimes get the free, first-attempt-at-romance/erotica-by-the-author, 3-star-review, often-unedited bodice rippers just to kill time and they often had far more kinky sex scenes than 50 Shades. I’m talking free bodice-rippers, y’all, where the sex is pretty much the same (and pretty much always problematic) in every book. And I think almost all the bodice-rippers I’ve read had better written sex scenes than 50.

          Why are these books so popular?! Even putting aside the problematic plot, the sex scenes are basically the written version of the b-rated softcore porn my friend and I sometimes watch while drinking wine and laughing our asses off.

          June 12, 2015
          |Reply
    • AudibleQun
      AudibleQun

      I think that was on an episode of Lexx, but those aliens used carrots.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
    • Nessie
      Nessie

      Me, I’m waiting for the Hunger Greys and Grey-vergent.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
      • ViolettaD
        ViolettaD

        There’s actually a porn film called Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Secretions. Of course, James would need a sense of humor to do that sort of thing.

        June 10, 2015
        |Reply
        • Nessie
          Nessie

          Hahah, nice!

          ‘Chamber of Secretions’ actually sounds like something Ana would say in an email.

          June 11, 2015
          |Reply
        • drmaggiemoreau
          drmaggiemoreau

          Please tell me they said “I want to Slytherin… to your Chamber of Secrets.”

          June 12, 2015
          |Reply
  5. Maybe someone stole it, threw it in a BBQ pit and set it on fire to save the world from more of this bullshit.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
    • Promise
      Promise

      We can only hope.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
  6. Sushi
    Sushi

    Did she give Jamie Dornan an advance copy by any chance?

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
    • ViolettaD
      ViolettaD

      If she did, next HE’LL go missing.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
  7. ella
    ella

    Didn’t Meyer shelve Midnight Sun because what got leaked got extensively ridiculed? I wish Grey would follow the same path, but we know that is not going to happen. I’m just gonna sit back and read all the snark that gets made of it, and ignore anyone who says it’s good.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
    • Annie
      Annie

      Yeah, any criticism and ridicule the leaked book got, James would just say that anyone criticizing it is insulting every abuse victim and bad writer ever by voicing said criticisms. Then she would just stick her fingers in her while screaming “Lalalalala! I can’t hear you! Lalalala! I’m the greatest writer since Shakespeare! Lalalalala!”

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
      • ViolettaD
        ViolettaD

        SINCE Shakespeare? Oh, sweetie, in James’ world, she PEES on Shakespeare. (I wish I hadn’t thought up that image; now I cant unthink it. Poor Shakespeare.)

        June 10, 2015
        |Reply
        • Mandi Rei Serra
          Mandi Rei Serra

          “Madame James, ‘watersports’ was NOT in the contract!”

          *tinkle sprinkles*

          June 10, 2015
          |Reply
        • Annie
          Annie

          “Since Chaucer,” then? Actually, no. If James has even the slightest clue who Chaucer is it’s only “you mean the weird guy with a gambling habit played by Paul Bettany in that one Heath Ledger movie?”

          June 12, 2015
          |Reply
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            And now I’m getting this image in my head of the Wife of Bath taking both Christian and Ana, knocking their heads together, leaving them unconscious on the floor of the Red Room of Pain, then stalking off in Taylor’s direction shouting, “Now, who wants to play REALLY rough?”

            June 12, 2015
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            In Middle English, of course.

            June 12, 2015
          • Kayla
            Kayla

            Violetta – Now THAT’S a fanfic I would read.

            June 12, 2015
          • SamBeringer
            SamBeringer

            Considering that she seems to think British lit is all “hearts and flowers” and Ana, who is supposed to be an English major, apparently never read anything dirty, that might be possible.

            June 12, 2015
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            What’s Ana’s focus supposed to be, in terms of eras or authors? (Not that it matters, because you still have to take the survey courses, and you can’t read Chaucer or Shakespeare without encountering sex. Even Austen and the Victorians hint at it–there are various “ruined” women, even if nobody requires an explanation of just what being “ruined” means.)

            June 12, 2015
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            Kayla:
            Then put hee al his manhode in my queynte
            Of thiknesse as me liked to have feynte
            And yaf me swich a joly herty swyve
            As hadde I never since myne housbond fyve

            June 12, 2015
          • Annie
            Annie

            Bwahahahaha! I’d read that Wife of Bath story.

            Ana can’t have never encountered sex in some form in a book because isn’t Tess of the d’Ubervilles the book she thinks is oh-so romantic and describes her and Christian so perfectly? Tess is straight up raped in that book. And after she’s raped she’s basically accused of being a disgusting, wanton harlot and made a pariah. At least that’s what I remember of it from my very basic Lit classes in college.
            So very romantic, Ana. Tres romantic.

            June 13, 2015
          • Kayla
            Kayla

            Violetta 4 president 2k16

            June 17, 2015
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            President? Gawd for-BID.
            I’ll consider Poet Laureate.

            June 17, 2015
        • Ellie
          Ellie

          That verse was awesome, Violetta! And as for “stalking off in Taylor’s direction” I hope that’s the Taylor that looks like Max Martini (I am both sad he’s even in that film but happy he’s one of the few good characters in the series – man’s gotta eat!).

          June 27, 2015
          |Reply
    • I never read The Host, but Meyer had definitely grown as a writer between Twilight and Midnight Sun. I wish she’d finished it, because I think the two books, along with the movie, are actually an interesting study in POV and the limitations of first person.

      July 6, 2015
      |Reply
  8. Jo
    Jo

    I’m waiting for the day we hear the news Stephenie Meyer has been murdered and skinned and then James is arrested for it because she was found using Meyer’s skin as a suit, Buffalo Bill style.

    Actually, that sounds like an interest premise for a mystery novel.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
    • Chris
      Chris

      Dear Lord, I think you’ve taken this to a whole new level, Jo.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
      • Mandi Rei Serra
        Mandi Rei Serra

        “It puts the lotion on its skin…”

        June 10, 2015
        |Reply
        • Nessie
          Nessie

          Can we just skip to the hose?

          June 11, 2015
          |Reply
    • Jon
      Jon

      And one worth writing!

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
  9. Honey
    Honey

    LOL!

    I just….I can’t with this….

    The similarities…

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  10. Megan M.
    Megan M.

    Oh, that is ridiculous. Is there no level to which EL James will not stoop?!

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
    • ViolettaD
      ViolettaD

      Megan: No.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
  11. Caitlin
    Caitlin

    How much better would this article be if the third sentence was shorted to “Grey was pegged.”

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  12. Sarah
    Sarah

    I also found the whole stolen book thing to be highly suspect, and way too coincidental. James will churn out a novella, write an unrelated book about aliens and then fade into obscurity if we’re lucky. Because she’s Stephenie Meyer.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  13. nico
    nico

    I had wondered why Stephanie Meyer seemed to be un-plussed by the ELJ “copy of the career” thing, but a skinsuit seems plausible.

    The next question is, Where’s Stephanie and what becomes of ELJ when she runs out of career guidance ala twilight rip-offery?

    I suspect if a publisher expected something original out of ELJ, she’d spontaneously combust.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  14. Omg this effing woman… She can’t do a single thing that’s original, can she? This post made me lol like whoa.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  15. Buffy
    Buffy

    Here is the saddest part of that article:

    “The writer, who started the trilogy as fan fiction, is now ranked on the Sunday Times Rich List with an estimated fortune of £75 million.”

    £75 million

    For not ever coming up with a single original idea ever.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
    • GS
      GS

      Well, for all of us aspiring writers, there’s something positive to take away from that: Don’t worry too much about the originality of your ideas. You can make a shitload of money and have lots of success without having a single original idea!

      In my darkest moments, when I’m thinking about deleting all my stories from my computer, that thought cheers me up. At least in some kind of way.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
      • ViolettaD
        ViolettaD

        Here’s the thing: medieval and renaissance writers came up with many versions of Robin Hood, King Arthur, etc. Everyone was familiar with the basic characters, but the writer was supposed to come up with an original spin of some kind: Chretien de Troyes’ Camelot is very different from Thomas Mallory’s, for instance. You look at the sources for Chaucer and Shakespeare, and you’ll see what I mean. It’s something like Golden Age Batman compared to the 60s camp version compared to Miller’s Dark Knight and so on–or, more recently, the many versions of Sherlock Holmes. We already know the basic premise, but we expect each author to have a unique interpretation.
        James, somehow, doesn’t pull this off. I can’t give you a detailed list of what she is or isn’t doing, but it’s like a cup of flour over here, an egg over there, sugar thisaway, and baking soda thataway. It never comes together into an actual cake. It isn’t even raw dough, which may be unhealthy, but delicious on its own terms. It’s just ingredients that add up to nothing–although nothing has admittedly added up to huge profits.

        June 10, 2015
        |Reply
  16. Chris
    Chris

    Nothing at all sad about 75 million dollars or pounds!!!

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  17. All of the insanity. All of it.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  18. Murjani
    Murjani

    I had no idea about Meyers and Midnight Sun, but I can see the connection.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  19. Katiedidwhat
    Katiedidwhat

    EL James is bizarro world Stefenie Meyer. How did she escape and where is the portal we have to shove her back into before the mirror world leaks in to our own? (I mean, unless it’s the sexier, more hard core version of everything, in which case, maybe we can let it leak a little more).

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
    • Nessie
      Nessie

      I say, if they’re that hardcore, let them sort this one out.

      June 10, 2015
      |Reply
  20. Laina
    Laina

    You know what you can say about Stephenie that you can’t say about EL? The other stuff she’s done that people don’t talk about is that she’s gone on to taking a producer role of the work of other women, including producing Austenland and the upcoming “Down a Dark Hall”. That’s a decent way to spend obscurity.

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  21. Nessie
    Nessie

    It’s been, like, five years since I’ve last watched Talented Mr Ripley, and I almost forgot it exists. Thanks for the reminder, EL!

    June 10, 2015
    |Reply
  22. I can only imagine that this rumour is some kind of cynical marketing ploy, to get people going “OMG! Drama! Intrigue! STOLEN BOOK!” and talking about it before release in order to squeeze a few more sales out of it. Or maybe EL James got confused and stole it herself, intending to plagiarise it for yet another book.

    Either way, it’s still a better story than the godsforsaken pile of shite itself will be.

    June 11, 2015
    |Reply
    • ViolettaD
      ViolettaD

      I’m going with “got confused and stole it herself.” It’s consistent with everything we already know.

      June 11, 2015
      |Reply
  23. Tessany
    Tessany

    Welp. This news, combined with the earlier post about the Amazon recommendations, makes me think (even hope), that Grey is not getting the orders they’ve been saying it has. I mean, does one book, if it’s generated so many presales already, that is clearly going to be the book of the summer, does it really need this much publicity? Wasn’t part of the reason it did so well the first time around was due to curiousity? People buying the books and then just throwing them away?

    Also, good news. Reddit just banned r/fatpersonhate for harassing people. So maybe karma is coming around to smack all the idiots in the face in one go?

    June 11, 2015
    |Reply
  24. Crystal
    Crystal

    I am still waiting for James to come out with a series of books that are inspired by ‘The Host” LOL

    June 12, 2015
    |Reply
  25. Lucy
    Lucy

    I wish I was smart enough to write a story about an author who blatantly plagiarizes another, gets insanely rich, but somehow gets her comeuppance at the end…

    June 13, 2015
    |Reply
    • Lucy: I would totally read that shit. Write it!

      June 13, 2015
      |Reply
  26. […] Ana signs off “Laters, baby”, and Christian emails her back with the subject line “plagiarism”, and I’m like, damn, risky move EL, considering you plagiarised every ounce of this book from Stephanie Meyer. Remember that? You should remember that, EL, doubly so now that you’re ripping off every singular ounce of her career to date. […]

    June 16, 2015
    |Reply

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